


Sometimes I Can't See Myself

by ilovethisship



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Fluff, Humor, It's gonna be a long road folks, Mentions of Cancer, Mild Language, Minor Character Death, Minor Clarke Griffin/Lexa, Minor Finn Collins/Clarke Griffin, Minor Finn Collins/Raven Reyes, POV Bellamy Blake, POV Clarke Griffin, Romance, Social Media, TOTALLY WORTH IT THOUGH, i'm warning you now, like really long
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-30
Updated: 2018-05-07
Packaged: 2018-10-12 20:52:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 65
Words: 132,053
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10499259
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ilovethisship/pseuds/ilovethisship
Summary: The 100 modern AU set in college. A long journey through the lives of the Delinquents told almost entirely through Clarke and Bellamy's POVs. The question that crosses through everyone's minds at some point: how long does it actually take for two people to realize how they feel about each other?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I've been working on this fic for going on two years now. I've got the first half of it set up pretty solidly with a strong skeleton for the last half. Some parts need more fleshing out, but I think I should be able to stay on a pretty steady schedule with chapter releases. It's a real slow burn, but I hope everyone likes it! I've had so much fun writing this.

Bellamy paced in front of the door, clutching an envelope that was much bigger than envelopes had any business being in his left hand, occasionally running his right through his hair. He was going to kill his sister. _Kill_ her.

_What the fuck was she thinking doing this to me?_

A car door slammed outside and he stopped in the middle of running his hand through his hair again. When the front door opened, he spun and pointed the envelope at his sister. It was unfortunate that he was so angry at her. The look on her face was priceless and he wished he could laugh. She stopped in her tracks in the doorway, staring at him.

“Octavia! What the hell were you thinking?”

“Whoa, Bell, your hair looks nuts right now!”

“I’m not… you’re not… fu… god damn it, O. What the hell?!” He let his head drop back so he was staring at the ceiling. “And close the damn door, will ya?”

The door closed and he closed his eyes, exhaling heavily. A hand on his forearm startled him into dropping the envelope, and he couldn’t gather himself fast enough. Octavia scooped it up and ran into the living room. Instead of chasing her, like he usually would, he just let himself drop onto one of the steps leading upstairs and put his head in his hands.

“You got in!” she squealed, poking her head back into the hallway. “Bell, why aren’t you excited? You got in!”

“That’s the fucking problem, O. What did you think would happen?”

“I don’t know. Maybe you’d get out of this stupid house and go to college?”

“I can’t do that and you know it.”

Her mouth twisted into a frown. She hesitated for a brief moment before joining him on the stairs, hugging the envelope to her chest. “You’ve been talking about going to college for as long as I can remember,” she said quietly. “You used to read me stories about weird, ancient things that happened a long-ass time ago and you told me that you were going to make discoveries of your own one day. Don’t you remember how I got made fun of in kindergarten, because I tried to marry that kid, Mark? Because you told me all about Mark Antony and Octavia and I wanted to start a political dynasty?”

He bit his lip to hold in a laugh. He was still too mad at her to laugh at the memory of that incredibly angry six-year-old. “I didn’t fill out that application.”

“Yeah…. Mom helped me with the hard stuff.”

“Oh, like the essay.”

She shrugged. “You never deleted the old ones off the computer.”

He elbowed her and she elbowed him back. “Octavia. I can’t go. We can’t afford it. We’re sending _you_ to college in a couple of years.”

“I need you to repeat after me, Bell.” She grabbed his chin and forced him to look her in the eyes. “Student. Loans. Student. Loans. Mom already filled out the FAFSA for you.”

“We will not be in debt like that,” he said, yanking his chin out of her grasp.

“But we can be in debt like that together, big brother! Plus, there's _all_ that money you have saved up.”

“That's for your college. And you need me here.”

“Do not.” She pushed him.

“Mom needs me here.” He pushed her back.

“You’re suffocating us!”

“O—“

“Damn it, Bell, you're acting like you're leaving the country. You'll be less than thirty minutes away. If you don’t do it, I’m going to register you for classes, tie you up, put you in the trunk, and leave you in your dorm room.”

Bellamy rubbed his hands over his forehead and tried to think of another reason, any other reason he could give her that would postpone everything. He took a job in high school to help with his mom’s medical bills. Right out of high school, he took a second one to help his mom save up to send Octavia to school. He had planned to go to college after she was done. It would have been a little late, but it would have been worth it to see her go out into the world more prepared than their mother had been. He _thought_ his mother had been on board with the plan.

But when he looked over at his sister to protest again, she looked… sad. “Bell, please. I _need_ you to go.”

He sighed and put his face in his hands. “Fine. You win. I’ll go to stupid college.”

He immediately regretted giving her an affirmative answer when she was so close to his ear. The loud shriek she emitted had probably popped an ear drum.

* * *

_Two years later…_

“I have the money dad left me. I don’t need _your_ help to pay for college.” Clarke leaned back on the couch. Her mother’s shoulders drooped as she placed a hand to her forehead. They had been arguing for, Clarke checked her watch, going on sixty-three minutes.

“Clarke. Honey,” Abby said with forced patience. “I am just trying to get you to understand that, while you are an _amazing_ artist, people cannot make a living that way.”

“And _I_ am trying to make _you_ understand that it’s not about making a living for me. It’s about –“

“Passion. I get it. Following your dreams.”  Abby sounded exhausted.

Clarke pursed her lips and glared at the interruption. She was getting sick of fighting. They’d been fighting for months; since she had applied to colleges in the first place. “Mom, listen. Again. Most freshmen don’t even declare their majors.”

“Pre-med students go into school with intent. They take courses that reflect the fact that they _want_ to be pre-med. They do not take….” Abby glanced at the courses Clarke had circled in the course catalog and sighed. “You can’t just go into school and take two art classes in your first quarter. It’s aimless. It shows a lack of focus. It’s… irresponsible!”

That was it for Clarke. She was done. Pre-med was _not_ where she would end up, but she could at least shut her mother up for the next six months until she got to college and it would be impossible for Abby to constantly hover. She stood up, crossed the room quickly, and yanked the catalog out of her mother’s hand.

Ignoring the protests, she spun around in a circle until she saw a pen on the coffee table. It only took her a few minutes to find the courses she was looking for. She had been through the courses what felt like hundreds of times. She circled one course, ripped the page out while finding a little joy in her mother's gasp, and handed it over.

Circle, rip, hand.

Circle, rip, hand.

“This will be my first quarter. A couple of core classes, and a couple of science classes. Practical, right? Looks all pre-med-ish, right?”

Her mother frowned over the pages, narrowing her eyes. “There are no art classes here. Why _four_ classes?”

Clarke just shrugged. “I can always take one next quarter. And why not? I know what the requirements are for a B.S. in Biology. Chemistry and Biology will get me started in the right direction.”

“If?”

Clarke sighed again. Of course Abby had heard the hesitation in her voice. “If I choose to go in that direction.”

“And you’ll look into volunteering at the clinic?”

“Yes, but with four classes, it might be difficult to fit it into my schedule.”

Clarke held eye contact and Abby crossed her arms. “I’ll talk to Jackson about that. And we’ll revisit the rest at Thanksgiving when it’s time to register for winter classes. Now, let’s discuss the dorm assignments.”

Clarke sighed. It wasn’t what she wanted, but it bought her some more time to figure things out and a last few months at home with only minor hostility. She hoped.


	2. Chapter 2

As Bellamy hauled two suitcases full of Octavia’s dance clothes through the hall, he was incredibly grateful that he moved into an apartment this year. All the freshmen and their parents were loud and flustered and… he would do anything for his sister, so he pushed his annoyance out of his mind.

She did what she always did: trampled a path through the world and he silently followed her to make sure she stayed safe. Even when she managed to get a few people ahead of him, she was easy to spot in her bright pink shorts and white tank top, with her long brown hair in its ridiculously high ponytail. It was hard not to be proud of his little sister, even if her overconfidence kind of terrified him. They would at least be at the same school where he would be able to keep an eye on her.

He sighed when she dropped her laundry basket full of all her other things onto the floor down the hall and wiggled her keys at him with a silly grin. “Hurry up, Bell!” The people around her jumped as she managed to yell over the fervor. He wanted to roll his eyes, but her enthusiasm had always been so contagious, so he held it in and smiled back. She swung open the door as he approached and ran inside. “Took you long enough, slowpoke!”

“I’m helping you out of the goodness of my heart.” She snorted and he glared at her before putting her suitcases down by one of the closets and surveying the room. She'd been lucky to get into this building. The room had its own bathroom, one loft bed along the bathroom wall with a desk underneath, and a regular bed against the opposite wall with a desk next to it. There was a closet at the foot of the beds. Other than that, it was devoid of personal belongings, which meant…. “You should take the loft bed, O. You got here first. You get the better bed.”

“I don’t know. They both look the same to me. Does it really matter?”

“It does.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know.” He crossed the room to open the blinds. “It just does.” He watched his sister as she continued to spin around in slow circles, taking everything in. It was almost as though she forgot he was there. “Earth to Octavia.”

“Sorry, Bell. It’s just a little overwhelming.” Octavia chewed on her lip and stared at him with wide eyes. “What if I hate my roommate?”

Bellamy chuckled. “File a complaint with your R.A. Or just let me know and I’ll kick Miller out so you can live with me and Harper.”

It was Octavia’s turn to laugh. She closed the short distance and hugged him tightly. “That’s sweet of you, big brother, but you need help paying the rent. I’d just be dead weight.”

“Never.” He squeezed her once before placing his hands on her shoulders and taking a step back to look down at her. “You’re going to be fine, O. Trust me.”

“Okay, fine. I’ll be fine. Go home.” She grinned and pushed him. “I’m going to wait for my roommate to get here, and I don’t want you to scare her away.”

Bellamy hesitated. He didn’t want to leave her all alone in a new place, but she was insistent that her roommate was going to walk in the room and think that Octavia was going to be constantly bringing guys back to their place unannounced. “You’ll just tell her I’m your brother.”

“Yeah, my overprotective big brother. Get out of here or I'll start unpacking my underwear.”

He held up his hands. “Fine. You win. Text me later and tell me what she’s like.”

Bellamy was halfway out the door when Octavia ran up and hugged him one more time. He kissed the top of her head before tearing himself away. He texted their mom on the way to his car to let her know that O was settling in and that they’d be home for dinner in a week and a half. If O decided she needed him after all, well, he only lived a few minutes away.

* * *

Clarke really had tried to get along with her mother all morning. She thought they were doing a good job until they reached the dorm. It took her an entire fifteen minutes to convince Abby, once again, that she would not, under any circumstances, be switching dorm halls. Clarke didn’t care that it was an older building. She didn’t care that it wasn’t an apartment. She was a _freshman_ and freshmen lived in the dorms.

She told Abby the room number, 1220, for what she was sure was the millionth time and grabbed her art supply case and a suitcase and headed for the nearest elevator. The door to her room was open. A very skinny, very pretty girl who was sitting on the floor reading a book jumped up when Clarke entered. “Hi, are you Clarke Griffin? I’m Octavia Blake. It’s really nice to meet you.”

Clarke was taken aback by how fast she spoke and hoped she put on an adequate smile before shaking Octavia’s hand. “It’s nice to meet you, too.” Clarke glanced around the room, and noticed that her roommate’s small amount of stuff was still packed. She swallowed. She suddenly felt very overpacked and wanted to tell her mom to leave everything behind. It had been a very bad idea to let them stop at Target just to keep Abby quiet. “Have you been here long?”

“My brother dropped me off maybe ten minutes ago? I didn’t want to pick a spot without asking, even though he’s an ass and told me to take the loft bed. I figured we could just flip a coin for it or something.”

“Don’t you want it? You got here first, so you deserve it.” She walked over to the other bed and set her art supplies down on the mattress. “Besides, my mom is bringing up some of my stuff, and I guarantee you that if she sees me sitting on this bed, she’ll get another loft bed in here whether I want it or not.” Octavia opened her mouth to speak, but was interrupted by Abby calling her name from the hall. Clarke rolled her eyes. “Speak of the devil.”

Abby appeared from around the corner holding what had to be twenty shopping bags full of things that Clarke had tried to get her to not buy, followed by two _moving men_ , like it was such an in depth moving process. Each of the men had one box, and one carried in her other suitcase. It took her mom all of thirty seconds to notice Clarke’s stuff on the “lesser” bed, politely introduce herself to Octavia, and then usher the moving men out so she could go find or purchase a loft bed frame. In her opinion, the room was "clearly unfinished".

Octavia watched the whole process with a partially dropped jaw, and Clarke was so angry about the impression she was making on her new roommate. Who she had to live with for nine months. So, it would be great that she would think that Clarke was a spoiled, privileged brat. Clarke sat down on the chair by her desk and frowned.

“No offense, but your mom is kind of intense.”

Clarke surprised Octavia and herself by bursting into laughter. “Oh, seriously. I wish I could say that you just witnessed her in prime ‘Abigail’ mode, but she gets worse than that.”

“She didn’t even say goodbye to you. She just… left.” Octavia plopped herself down next to Clarke’s art supplies and stared at her. “She’s always like that?”

“More or less.” Clarke shrugged. She didn’t want to talk about her mom anymore. “So, your brother dropped you off? Where is he?”

“I kicked him out.” A small smile formed on Octavia’s face. “He can be all broody and overwhelming. And he makes snap judgments and is kind of bad at hiding his opinion about anything, so it’s really better if he’s not around people.”

Clarke was unsure how to respond, even if Octavia looked like she might be joking, so she blurted out the first thing she could think of. “I’m an only child. No siblings. I mean, my next-door neighbor was kind of like my brother, but… we kind of had a falling out.”

Octavia seemed to notice Clarke’s discomfort and chewed on her lower lip. “Bell can be a huge pain, but I’m glad I have him. It took forever to get him to go to college, because he was too busy taking care of mom and me to worry about his own future.”

“Bell?”

“Bellamy.”

“Bellamy Blake. Nice alliteration.”

“I’ll tell him you said that.” Octavia giggled. “He’ll like it. Just don’t mention his age when you meet him. He gets really sensitive about the fact that he started school late. But he’s really smart and he may not be nice all the time, but he has a good heart.”

“Noted.” Clarke smiled, and it was a little easier.

They continued with the small talk as they unpacked their clothing. Clarke learned that Octavia was on the college dance team, was planning on majoring in dance, and that her older brother was a history major and there was nothing else Octavia could have imagined him picking. Their mom was a seamstress, and she couldn’t help Octavia move in because she had a huge bridal gig that morning. Clarke could call her O, because that’s what everyone called her. They had both chosen French for their language course. Clarke didn’t have time to tell Octavia much more than the fact that she was taking four classes before her mother was bursting back through the door, and ushering the two girls out of the room to wait in the hall.

After the second bed was set up, Abby hugged Clarke tightly and she could see Octavia looking a little wistfully in their direction. Clarke wasn’t sure why, but they finished unpacking in silence. Octavia changed for dance practice and then Clarke was left alone with her thoughts. It was kind of lonely.

* * *

Bellamy and Miller spent most of the afternoon helping Harper move her belongings into the third bedroom. She was the last to get settled after her parents drove her across three states to get her and her things back in time for classes. It took some doing on his part, but he was pretty sure that her parents were a little more comfortable with her choice in roommates than they had been when they first showed up.

The couch looked insanely inviting by the time everyone was gone. Harper had a ‘welcome back’ party to attend with a few friends and Miller had work, so Bellamy had the place to himself. He was more than ready to sit back with a couple of beers and aimlessly channel surf.

His phone buzzed halfway through his first beer with a text from Octavia.

_4:34 pm:  
my roommate’s mom is crazy. remind me to thank mom for having to work today. _

_4:34 pm:  
Examples?_

_4:36 pm:  
she walked in here, saw Clarke’s stuff on the normal bed, and left to find the stuff for a second loft bed_

_4:37 pm:  
Isn’t Clarke a guy’s name? Clark? What’s with the extra e?_

_4:38 pm:  
dunno. does it matter? it’s not like i snuck my way into the boys dorms_

_4:40 pm:  
So, I take it this means that you got some stuck up, princess-type for a roommate, then?_

_4:41 pm:_  
_i don’t think so? i am reserving judgment, but don’t worry. i'm being nice. since i'm the blake that has trouble in social situations………._  
_4:47 pm:_  
_i'm kidding?_  
_please please text me. her mom is back and it’s so awkward_

_4:49 pm:  
Ha ha. So funny, O._

_4:51 pm:  
what? this is why i kicked you out_

_4:52 pm:  
You kicked me out?_

_4:53 pm:  
so you wouldn’t scare away my hopefully awesome, new roommate with your lack of charm, remember?_

_4:55 pm:  
I’ll have you know I have plenty of charm._

_4:57 pm:_  
_that must be why i've met so so so many of your girlfriends_  
_so many STEADY girlfriends_

_4:58pm:  
Dangerous waters, O. Dangerous waters._

_5:01 pm:  
ugh whatever. you love me._

_5:02 pm:  
Sure do. You’re lucky to have me._

_5:03 pm:  
barf_

_5:05 pm:_  
_What was Princess’s stuff doing on the other bed anyway?_  
_You sack up and take the loft before she deigned to grace you with her presence?_

_5:07 pm:  
i’m not even going to tell you what she said about you if you keep that shit up_

_5:08 pm:  
Language, young lady._

_5:09 pm:_  
_ass. bitch. damn. fuck. i can continue in alphabetical order if you want._  
_i left out the c word though_  
_in case you forward this to mom_

 _5:10 pm:_  
_Did you learn all these words from her majesty?_  
_And what's she doing saying things about me when she hasn’t even met me?_

 _5:13 pm:_  
_is there not an e word? there should be……_  
_paranoid much, weirdo? i was telling her about you._

_5:13 pm:  
Tell her about you. Not me._

_5:14 pm:_  
_that's my charming big bro, ladies and gentlemen. her mom is finally gone._  
_what are you up to?_

_5:16 pm:  
Trying to find something to watch and drinking. _

_5:17 pm:_  
_if i pick up any bad habits, they’re from you, not her_  
_dance practice starts in a bit and i have to run across campus. love you big bro._

 _5:19 pm:_  
_Knock ‘em dead._  
_Love you, too, by the way._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried about 3 different formats for text messages and didn't like any of them. This is the one I disliked the least. I might edit the timestamps in the future, because I'm still not into how they're working, but oh well. Anyway, more cute sibling interactions plus a hopefully super awkward Clarke/Octavia introduction! I'm finishing up editing the next chapter now so I can post it soon!
> 
> Update: I found a format I like better, finally. Hopefully I don't find another one in a few chapters, because I don't want to edit everything all over again.


	3. Chapter 3

Clarke didn’t mind being alone. She really didn’t. It just bothered her that things were so awkward with Octavia, who sort of seemed to be avoiding her. Octavia hadn’t come right out and said anything, but they had been in the dorms for three days and most of the time Octavia was actually _in_ their room, she had headphones in so she could practice the routine the dance team was learning. Clarke actually liked watching her dance, but it seemed like it might be an avoidance tactic.

Clarke wanted to ask Octavia to go to the dining hall with her for dinner so they could get to know each other a little better, but kept losing her nerve. The day before classes started, she actually did not even see Octavia once. So, instead of attempting to socialize, Clarke spent the day prepping for her classes. She was only able to skim the first chapters of her Biology and Chemistry textbooks before she suddenly felt frustrated. Here she was, in college, a totally fresh start, and she couldn’t even get past herself to make friends.

Growing up had been a little tough, even if outsiders might disagree. She never exactly wanted for anything, except maybe more of a variety in friends. All she had since she was a kid was Wells. There were a few kids that Wells was friendly with who had been alright by association and fun to party with, but pity friends were almost worse than no friends at all. Her teachers told her parents that the other kids were just jealous, but Clarke knew it was the fact that her mother was her mother that alienated most of them. And then her father’s death and her falling out with Wells.... But she pushed all of that out of her mind.

Thinking about her father made her need to draw. Before she knew what she was doing, she pulled her art supplies out of the closet and spread a few things out on the floor. She placed her sketchbook, a couple different pencils, an eraser, and some charcoal around her in a semicircle. Her frustration seeped out of her as she sketched. It took a few lines for her to realize that she was drawing a ballerina, but once she knew, it was easy to lose herself in the movements.

 ***

“You draw?”

Clarke dropped the charcoal and a very uncharacteristic squeak popped out of her mouth as she covered it with her hands. “Shit. Sorry. You scared me.”

She pushed herself up on her knees, unaware of when she had moved onto her stomach, and turned to see Octavia sitting in her desk chair. She pointed at the drawing. “That’s really pretty.”

“Thanks.” Clarke felt her cheeks flush at the compliment.

“So, you draw?” She barely waited for Clarke’s nod before she continued. “Is that what you’re here for? You’re not taking any art classes this quarter though, right?”

Clarke adjusted herself to a cross-legged position and shrugged. “My mom kind of freaked when I tried to tell her this is what I want to do.”

“Not proper enough for her?”

Clarke let out a bitter laugh. “I’m pretty jealous that you can just throw yourself into dance.”

“I’m pretty jealous that you can get so distracted by drawing that you don’t even hear me come in.” Octavia smiled. “But really, maybe we should invest in another set of locks so you don’t get kidnapped.”  She stood, the smile still on her face. “I’m sorry for interrupting you.”

“Don’t be.”

“Okay, then I’m not. I’m going to hop in the shower.”

Clarke turned back to her drawing when she heard the water start up. By the time Octavia came out in a tank top and jean shorts, braiding her wet hair over her shoulder, she had finished.

“So, I know this might be kind of weird,” Clarke said as she carefully tore the page from her book, “but I didn’t realize that I was drawing this for you until I was like, halfway done.” Octavia stopped in the middle of grabbing a sweater out of her closet and stared. Clarke couldn’t read her expression, so she just swallowed hard and continued. “Is that weird? I’m sorry. I don’t even know if you took ballet. This is weird. You don’t have to—“

She was cut off by Octavia crossing the small space to give her a hug. Clarke was so caught off guard by the gesture that she barely had time to return the hug before Octavia was taking a step back and carefully taking the drawing out of Clarke’s hand. 

“I love it.” Clarke’s heart constricted when Octavia immediately hung the drawing over her desk and stood back with her hands on her hips, admiring it. “Seriously, you’re fucking talented. Why are you wasting your time with science stuff?”

Clarke shrugged. “My mom, mostly. She said she wouldn’t pay for me to get a degree for something unnecessary.”

“Well, you should ditch it. Me and Bell are using student loans. Neither of us are going to make a ton of money, but we’re going to be happy.”

“It’s not that I don’t like the science stuff, though. I’m good at it. It’s interesting. But, yeah. I don’t know.”

Octavia turned back to her with a grin. “How about you tell me what you don’t know over dinner?” Clarke grinned back and grabbed her purse. “Wait! You kind of need to wash your face first.” Octavia pointed at her mouth.

Clarke touched her jaw and then looked down at her fingers. They were _covered_ in the charcoal that she had just been touching. “Fuck. This always happens.”

* * *

Bellamy liked his part-time job. Serving coffee to college students was, as a general rule, one of the easiest things he had ever done. Plus, he got free coffee on shift and a free sandwich on his break. Octavia wasn’t there yet, so he pulled out his phone to be greeted by an almost insane amount of texts.

 _5:17 pm:_  
_you’re already working aren’t you? crap_  
_5:18 pm:_  
_hey so i finally decided i like my roommate and we’re going to the dining hall together for dinner_  
_so my stalking you days are over_

Bellamy rolled his eyes and kept reading as he sipped his coffee.

 _5:29 pm:_  
_teeeeeeext me so i don’t feel so bad_  
_5:32 pm:_  
_clarke says she’s sorry for stealing me and she wouldn’t have said yes if she knew i had a non-committal dinner date with you_  
_5:55 pm:_  
_big brother!_  
_6:06 pm:_  
_clarke just had the best idea. she's going to get her mom to buy her another desk_

He scoffed, almost choking on his sandwich. All that he’d heard from Octavia was how this girl’s mom went crazy and bought her everything. He didn’t understand how his sister had gone from being unsure about her roommate, to thinking that her roommate had the best idea and it was okay to just have her mom buy more things for the room.

 _6:08 pm:_  
_you're probably getting all sassy-pants about buying stuff. well we need the desk. for space purposes._  
_and we’re going to rearrange the furniture to try to give me more room for practicing dances_  
_and no, i do not want your help_  
_6:17 pm:_    
_you've got to be on break soon._  
_6:25 pm:_  
_come oooooooooon._  
_tell me we’re brilliant!_

 

 _6:42 pm:_  
_So, Princess gets a new desk and you get… floor space?_

 

 _6:47 pm:_  
_hush i want that floor space_

 

 _6:48 pm:_  
_Seems a little uneven, if you ask me._

 

 _6:48 pm:_  
_she likes hiking just like us_  
_i didn’t ask you anything_  
_why haven’t you liked my picture on facebook???_

 

 _6:49 pm:_  
_Good for her._  
_And because I had 13 texts from my obnoxious little sister when I got on break._  
_I counted._

He sighed and pulled up Facebook on his phone, because she was going to keep harassing him until he did. Sure enough, the top of his newsfeed was littered with Octavia updates.

 **Octavia Blake** and **Clarke Griffin** are now friends.

 **Octavia Blake**  
27 mins  
_My school officially wins the award for best roommate-pairing ever! – with **Clarke Griffin**_

And finally, a picture of his sister and her new roommate. Bellamy couldn’t see much more than her blonde hair, because it looked like she was forcibly squished into Octavia’s selfie. Being the dutiful big brother he was, he clicked the like button on both the picture and the friend announcement and opened the newest text from his sister.

 _6:50 pm:_  
_be nice or i won’t let you come with us when we go in a couple weeks_  
_6:56pm:_  
_thank you :)_

 

 _6:58 pm:_  
_I don’t want to hike with someone who will just break a nail and slow us down, anyway._  
_And you two sure made it Facebook official fast._

 

 _7:01 pm:_  
_shut up._  
_she says she’ll bring her royal nail file_

 

 _7:03 pm:_  
_What?_  

 

 _7:04 pm:_  
_if you don’t want my friends to know you’re an ass, don’t be an ass. :p_  
_we’re getting ice cream now_  
_and then Clarke's going home_  
_want me to bring you some or will you be too busy?_

 

 _7:06 pm:_  
_Ugh, just bring it._  
_It should slow down for a bit after 8:30._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Forgive me while I date myself and add Facebook to my fic. I don't want to figure out how to use Instagram or Snapchat... and now I realize I'm old.


	4. Chapter 4

The first few days of classes had gone by without a hitch. Syllabus days were, in Clarke’s opinion, incredibly exciting. She had always been one of the only people in her class who loved going back to school and finding out what she was going to be learning that year. College was cooler, because she had _chosen_ her classes from an insane amount of options. Granted, she chose them to get her mom off of her back, but she really did love science, so it wasn’t like the subject matter was going to bore her to death.

She and Octavia met whenever they had breaks between classes, and they compared their French notes for the first few days to make sure they could study together. Octavia’s quarter was going to be more physically demanding than mentally challenging. She was technically taking five classes, but three were technique, because she “didn’t want to lose her edge” and she wanted to "keep up with the competition.” They usually had time to study some of the basic French vocabulary gone over in each of their French classes before Octavia had to go to practice or after she got back to their room at night.

Clarke decided that she was going to like Tuesdays the best, because she had a chemistry lab in the afternoon instead of her 9:30 class. When she texted Octavia to tell her that she had an hour between the time that her Biology class ended and her Chemistry lab started, Octavia brought her lunch and they reviewed their French notes in front of the science hall. Before she had to run off and change for her Jazz class, Octavia promised to grab some food for Clarke, since she had her first shift at the clinic after her lab, and they couldn’t meet for dinner. True to her word, Abby had talked to her old friend, Eric Jackson, who was the current supervisor for any volunteers. And of _course_ it wouldn’t matter if Abby’s daughter had to show up late occasionally. It only mattered that she showed up. Grumbling to herself, she made her way into the science building to find her class.

 ***

Clarke hesitated in the doorway to the stark-white lab. She had to squint against the harsh fluorescent lights for a moment to survey the room. About half of the class was full, four stools to each table. She was standing there, trying to decide if she should take an empty table and let people come to her when she noticed two guys waving in her general direction. She glanced behind her to make sure they weren’t waving at someone else before she joined them.

They grinned nervously as she set her bag on the stool and she reached her hand across the table to shake both of theirs. “I’m Clarke.”

“Jasper.”

“Monty.”

She smiled as she pulled her lab coat and safety glasses out of her bag. Monty looked pretty normal, shrugging out of a thin zip-up hoodie so he could put his own coat on. Jasper, on the other hand, was tall and skinny, and he didn’t appear to have safety glasses so much as tinted safety goggles which he wore on his head.

“You’re in our 9:30 lecture, right?” Monty asked.

“We thought you looked like you could use some friends,” Jasper said.

“Well, thanks.” _I think._ “You, uh… in the habit of picking up strays?”

They laughed. A little too hard. And a little too similarly, both hitting the table with their right hands and throwing their heads back. 

“I think we’re both used to being strays,” Monty offered. “We’ve been best friends since birth, but I’m pretty sure no one else actually wanted to hang around us.”

That explained the similar laughs and at least made them more endearing. “Best friends since birth and you’re not sick of each other yet?”

Jasper grinned. “We’re sick of each other all the time.”

“But we haven’t been able to get rid of each other yet.” Monty mirrored Jasper’s grin.

“He’s my brother from another mother.”

Clarke was tempted to roll her eyes, but smiled instead. “Is this how you introduce yourselves to everyone all the time?” 

Monty shrugged. “Usually.”

“We like people to know what they’re getting into.”

“And you sat at our table, so you’re stuck with us all quarter.”

Clarke laughed, then, and was glad they had waved her over. “Somehow, I think I’ll manage.”

“So, what are _you_ in Chemistry your first quarter for?” Jasper asked, raising his eyebrows.

“Pre-med? Kind of. What about you?”

“Chemical Engineering,” Monty answered.

“Just plain Chemistry. And how do you _kind of_ pre-med?”

By the time the professor started up the lab, no one else had joined their table. The boys whispered to her across the table, occasionally making jokes about a girl across the room being made out of Copper and Tellurium, or another being made out of Florine, Iodine, and Neon. Clarke even snorted at one point, and tried to cover it with a fake cough when the professor glared at her. And as a nice change of pace from high school, she ended up following Jasper’s lead through most of the lab. It was refreshing to work with other people who actually _liked_ science. 

After class was over, they even made plans to meet up and grab coffee before their lecture in the morning, and exchanged phone numbers. Clarke knew her mom would think she was crazy for giving her number out, but while Jasper and Monty were dorky, they were Clarke’s kind of dorky. And she wanted to make friends. Hell, she was taking the classes Abby wanted; she was volunteering at the clinic twice a week like Abby wanted; she could make whatever friends she wanted.

 ***

**_Clarke Griffin_ ** _and **Jasper Jordan** are now friends_  
**_Clarke Griffin_ ** _and **Monty Green** are now friends_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had really embraced the social media aspect of this when I was first writing it a couple years ago. I had a status listed at the beginning of every chapter for a while. I edited them out, because it was harder to keep coming up with them as I got deeper into the story. But I wanted to keep the friend notifications in there, because everyone meeting is the base of the first 8th of this fic.
> 
> Oh yeah, you can find me on [Tumblr](http://ilovethisship.tumblr.com/), too!


	5. Chapter 5

His sister’s dorm room had so much stuff in it and Bellamy was kind of pissed off. She had texted him and asked him to meet her in her room before dinner, and he was just… surprised at how lived in the room looked after only two weeks. But it had all been a trap. Instead of leaving for dinner, she stood in front of him, batting her eyes and pouting, because of course that would get him to cave.

“Fine. God, stop with the face. I’ll help you move your stupid furniture.”

“Thank you!” She jumped and clapped her hands, grinning. 

He just sighed. “Where do we start?”

Their first move was to flip Octavia’s bed so it was flat against the bathroom wall and slide an end table with a couple of drawers under it next to her desk. There was only minor drilling involved, but he was pretty sure this wasn't entirely above-board.

“Where’d you get the end tables? And the Keurig?”

“Clarke’s mom thought they’d complement the room. And Clarke brought the Keurig.” Octavia finished plugging it in on her table, and set two coffee mugs upside down next to it. She glared at him as he gave her desk a final push. “Don’t even start.”

“I didn’t say anything. What next?”

He rolled his eyes when she directed him to help her move her roommate’s bed to the opposite wall, closer to Octavia’s, and bit his tongue in an attempt to keep his thoughts inside. It worked when they pushed her desk across the room next, followed by the second end table. It stopped working when he set the mini-fridge on top of the end table.

“Why isn’t Princess the one helping you move this stuff?”

Octavia scoffed and moved to one end of the desk that had been partially blocking the door. The ridiculous third desk. “She’s at class for like, ever, today, and I didn’t really want to wait. Plus, I thought it would be a nice surprise for her to come in and see everything set up.”

It was Bellamy’s turn to scoff, but he moved to the other end of the desk to help O start moving it. “Seriously? Is she too good for a little hard labor?”

“I already told you that she likes to hike. I didn’t mean like those little baby hikes, either. No, keep it a little further from her ladder. Good. I meant, like those five hour hikes one way. Where do you think the drill came from anyway? She has this whole toolkit at the bottom of her closet, even though I’m not convinced she knows how to use any of them.” She wiped her forehead and then put her hands on her hips. “She already hates you, by the way.”

“How could she hate me? She doesn’t even know me.”

“You know, the whole ‘princess’ nickname crap.”

“Well,” he gestured around the room, “I rest my case. Do you want to move the closets over next to the desk?”

“Yes, please. Let’s get that done and go to dinner. I'm _starving_.” Octavia sighed as she moved away from the desk. “And do you want to know the first thing she said about you?”

“Should I say again that it’s weird that she’s saying things about me when she doesn’t even know me?”

“Nice alliteration.”

“Okay, dummy, when’s your English Comp course? Because you need it. I didn’t alliterate anything.”

“Whatever, _dummy_. She said that about your name.”

Bellamy wrinkled his nose as they pushed the second closet into place. He liked that his name was alliterative. It was the only thing he liked about it, really. “Do we really have to go out to eat so early?”

“Yes we do, because I have to study later. What time is it?”

He glanced at his phone. “5:00.”

“Okay, we can go in a minute. I know you don’t really want to meet _Princess_ yet.” Octavia used air quotes when she used his nickname for her roommate. “Sit down for a sec. I have to fix a couple more things.”

He sat down and kept his mouth shut as his sister bustled around the room, rearranging a couple of things that she had moved earlier. First, she pulled a large purple, oval rug from her bed and threw it down in the now-empty space in the middle of the room. Then, she ran into the bathroom and pulled out a mirror to prop up against the empty wall. _How do they have so much stuff?_  

Next, she ran to one of the closets and pulled out a small suitcase and set it on top of the new desk. She looked almost smug as she moved around the room. A couple of pictures came out of Princess’s desk drawer and Octavia put them up. From the distance, he could see a young blonde girl between her mom and dad in one, and a picture of the same blonde girl and some guy in prom attire standing next to a limo. 

 _Rich high school boyfriend_. He had to force himself to stay quiet. He still had the same old Toyota Corolla he had in high school. Since he had been lucky enough to have a car, it didn’t make any sense for him to shell out money for a limo. His prom date hadn’t seemed to care anyway.

Finally, his sister shooed him out of her desk chair and pulled a few things out of her desk drawer. She set a picture of them at her sixteenth birthday party on her desk, along with another of them with their mother. She hung her old pair of ballet slippers by the ribbons from the bottom of her bed, and then the last thing she put up was an incredible charcoal picture of a ballerina on her wall.

“Where’s you get that, O? It’s really cool.”

“Oh…. I found it somewhere. I can’t remember.” She turned to him and smiled, but her eyes shone with a glee that unsettled him. “Let’s go, let’s go, big brother!”

He let her usher him out of the room. She was right. He didn’t really want to meet her roommate. Ever. The logical side of him knew it was inevitable, but he could put it off for a while.

“Hey, O?”

“Yeah?” She locked the door and linked her arm in his, pulling him down the hall.

“Do you really need these beds to be so close? I mean, usually in a small box, people want _some_ separation from each other.”

“We don’t!” She lowered her voice conspiratorially. “This makes it easier for us to gossip about hot people.”

“Good lord. I’m sorry I asked.”

* * *

The dorm room was beautiful. Clarke could feel the tears welling up in her eyes. While she had been in her Biology lab, Octavia had somehow managed to rearrange the entire room exactly as they discussed it. She had even set out her art supplies at the new desk, put Clarke’s pictures back up on her desk, and hung up the ballerina picture above her own desk again.

She checked her watch. 5:30. Octavia would probably be gone for another hour. There was nothing left for Clarke to do, except put the picture of her and Wells _back_ in the desk, so she did the only thing she could think of as repayment. She took out her phone, took a step back towards the door, and took a picture to post on Facebook.

 **Clarke Griffin**  
October 1 at 5:46pm  
_Seriously? Best. Roommate. Ever. – with **Octavia Blake**_  
**_Octavia Blake_ ** _and **13 other people** like this._  
  
**_Octavia Blake_** _i’m sooooooooo happy you like it._ :)  
**_Clarke Griffin_** _Like it? I freaking love it, O!_  
**_Octavia Blake_ ** _You called me O!_  
**_Clarke Griffin_ ** _I thought I’d test it out. :p  How did you do all this? I would have helped!_  
**_Octavia Blake_** _i had a little help from Bellamy, but let’s pretend i didn’t tell you that. he wouldn’t want anyone to find out that he’s not actually an asshole……_  
**_Clarke Griffin_ ** _I’ll refrain from commenting for now. Just tell him thanks for me, too_

* * *

Octavia grinned at him as he picked up his phone to check the notification he was ignoring. She had tagged him in a comment on Facebook that he didn’t want to read. _Great._ He read over the thread and glanced up at his sister, who was still grinning like an idiot.

“Just because she said thank you doesn’t mean I think she’s any less stuck up.”

Octavia just growled and kicked him under the table.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come find me on [Tumblr](http://ilovethisship.tumblr.com/)!


	6. Chapter 6

Less than two weeks into school, and Clarke was feeling right at home. She sat on her floor with Jasper and Monty, their Chemistry notes from their first week and a half of classes spread out between them. They would each ask a question and whoever answered first won a point. Clarke wasn’t entirely sure what they would win if they got the most points, but she was competitive enough that it made studying seem a lot more fun than it probably should have been. So, when they were both suddenly quiet, it caught her attention.

They stared at the front door, Monty with his eyebrows slightly raised and Jasper with his jaw dropped. Clarke turned to see Octavia grinning at the three of them from the door in her very thin, see-through sweater, sports bra, short dance shorts, leg warmers, and dance slippers. 

“Hey, Clarke.” She was obviously holding back laughter. “I forgot you were studying here.”

 _No you didn’t, dork. You wanted to see if they were cute._ “O, this is Jasper. This is Monty. Guys, this is Octavia.”

“Right,” Jasper said weakly.

Monty cleared his throat. “It’s nice to meet you, Octavia.”

“I’m going to shower, and then I can take off if you guys need me to.”

“Oh, please don’t.” Jasper jumped up and adjusted the goggles on he always seemed to wear on his head. “You won’t bother us at all.”

Clarke snorted. “You don’t have to leave, O.”

It was hard to restore order after O closed the door to the bathroom. Clarke and Monty took turns throwing things at Jasper when it was his turn to ask or answer a question. When Octavia came back out fifteen minutes later wrapped in a towel and fumbled through her closet, Clarke almost choked on her water. Jasper’s eyes bugged out in his head, and it obviously took a considerable amount of effort on his part to keep his eyes trained on the ceiling. That was the point that Clarke realized that finishing their review was off the table.

“Should we all just go get ice cream or something?”

Jasper choked out something unintelligible while Monty chuckled under his breath.

Octavia grinned, clutching clean clothes to her chest. "I thought you'd never ask!"

"God, Clarke," Jasper exhaled when O went back into the bathroom to change. "Why didn't you ever mention how hot your roommate is?"

Monty gently shoved his friend over. "She doesn't have to tell you whenever she sees a hot girl."

"I think it should be a requirement of our friendship, actually."

"Clarke points out hot girls all the time," Octavia said, popping back out of the bathroom, once again in jean shorts and a tank top. Jasper blushed brightly. "Well, and guys, too. We at least have similar taste in guys." 

Jasper jumped up. "Well, I sure hope she mentioned us."

Clarke and Monty rolled their eyes at each other. "Can we just go?" Monty asked. "I'd like to finish studying at some point this evening and now I won't be able to focus until we get some damn ice cream."

***

**_Octavia Blake_ ** _and **Jasper Jordan** are now friends_  
**_Octavia Blake_ ** _and **Monty Green** are now friends_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come find me on [Tumblr](http://ilovethisship.tumblr.com/)!


	7. Chapter 7

Bellamy was dragging his feet. He kept hoping that Octavia would wonder where he was and open the door so he could continue his lucky streak of not having to meet her roommate. People were starting to give him looks as he hovered in the hallway, so he just closed his eyes and knocked.

The shout for him to “come in!” was muffled by the door. The first thing he saw when he entered the room was definitely not Octavia. Not even close. It looked like the girl on the floor was trying to study for all subjects that the university offered at once. Four books were open in a circle around her, she was surrounded by torn out pieces of notebook paper, and it looked like she had an ink smudge on her nose with small pieces of hair falling out of her high ponytail.

“What the hell are you doing?” The question was out before he could stop himself, and he bit his tongue.

“Planning World War Three.” She blew a stray hair out from in front of her face and whipped her head up to meet his eyes with a tight-lipped smile. “What does it look like I’m doing? And who are _you_?”

“I’m Bellamy." He forced what he was sure was an equally tight smile when she sighed. "Why would you shout for me to come in if you weren’t expecting someone?”

“Who says I’m not expecting someone?”

He looked her over again. A few retorts about the fact that she was wearing Octavia’s bright green dance shorts and he could see her neon-pink bra through her white tank top came and went. And then he shrugged. “You just don’t look very prepared for company, Princess.”

“It’s Clarke,” she snapped.

“Whatever you say, Princess.”

He stood his ground under her glare. The defiant way she held his eyes just spurred his stubbornness. There was no way that he was going to let her get her way, the way she probably did constantly. After a moment, she sighed, rolled her eyes, and waved a hand at O’s side of the room.

“Listen, just… just sit at Octavia’s desk. Her practice ran a little late. And don’t talk to me. I'm trying to concentrate.”

“My pleasure.”

She didn’t take her eyes off of him until he sat down at O’s desk and pulled out his phone, pretending to read something on it. Even then, she kept glancing up from her papers to glare at him.

“It doesn’t look like you’re concentrating,” he said after the fifth time he noticed her looking up at him.

She sat back on her heels with a huff. “It’s hard to concentrate when you’re just sitting there.”

“You told me to sit here.”

“You keep looking at me.”

“Well, with everything that you’ve got on display right now, it’s hard not to.”

When he gestured at her shirt, she looked down and her jaw tightened. A blush tinged her cheeks as she stood and quietly walked to her bed to pull a sweatshirt off of it. By the time she had settled back into the spot between her notes, the blush had brightened instead of fading. He could almost see the anger rolling off of her in waves. It was too satisfying for him to ignore.

“Lose your thunder, Princess?”

“Missing the show, Blake?”

“Oh, I’m good for days. It’s all in here.” He tapped his temple with one finger and laughed. “The image of your lacey, pink bra has been burned into my memory for eternity.”

“Oh my god, seriously?” She threw her pen at him and stood up, pointing at him. “Can you just stop talking? I’ve got two tests and a paper due tomorrow.”

“What? You can’t just buy your way through classes?” 

She sputtered and turned around in a circle, trying to run her hand through her hair. It ruined her ponytail and she tried to redo it and her hair tie snapped. With a frustrated growl, she turned back to him. “What right do you have to say _anything_ like that to me? You don’t know me. I was valedictorian at my school. I got a 2280 on my SATs. A 30 on my ACTs. I work –”

“I’ve met plenty of people like you,” he spat, standing and taking a step forward. “You think you can just buy yourself into anything. Well, guess what, _Princess._ College is tough.” He nudged one of her books with his toe and she looked murderous. “How many classes are you even taking, anyway? All of them?”

“Four.”

“It’s your first quarter. Do you have any idea what you’re getting yourself into?”

“Why would you even _care_? I can just _buy_ my good grades, can’t I?”

“I’m sure you’ll have to, taking this many classes.”

“I’m double-majoring, you ass.”

“In what? Being stuck up and spoiled?”

“Okay, wow, can you go off on a new tangent already?”

“I would, but you’re pretty one-sided, so it’s hard to find new material. Unless you have daddy issues, too. Then I can talk about how your little show earlier might be practice for showing those off.”

“Excuse me?!” Octavia’s shrill protest brought a blush back to Princess’s cheeks. Bellamy cleared his throat and sat back down in O’s chair hard. Her glare included both of them, but he seemed to be getting the brunt of it. She was in jeans and a long, flowing tank top. NOT dance clothes.

“I thought you said her practice ran late, Princess.”

“I—“ Clarke sputtered, her voice weak.

“It did, Bell. Team meeting.” Octavia threw her duffel bag at him. He was getting really sick of girls throwing things at him. “Can you cut the shit?”

“Fine, O. Whatever you want. Can we just get on the road already? Traffic is going to suck.”

“Clarke, are you—“

“I’m fine, O.” Her voice was rough, and he glanced over to see tears threatening to spill over. _Rich girls really love that manipulation tactic._

“Bellamy, cut it the fuck out with that face. Get in the car. I’ll be out in two minutes.”

True to her word, his sister climbed into the passenger seat and he had barely been able to make it through two pages of the book he carried around. Threw herself into the seat might be more accurate. It seemed as though she was trying to set the record for loudest car entrance with the door slamming and the crashing of the buckles together.

“Ready?” he asked tightly. She nodded, and he pulled out of his spot. They drove in silence for about ten minutes before he couldn’t handle it anymore. “What’s with the silent treatment?”

She sighed heavily and crossed her arms. “I don’t get why you have to be so confrontational with people you don’t even know.”

“I know plenty from your stories.”

“I don’t know. I caught the tail end of that exchange. You’re not even slightly impressed that she busted her ass to get valedictorian? And that SAT score? I mean, I know yours was close, but I barely broke 1800. She probably could have aced it if—”

“Like that’s even possible.”

“Whatever, Bell. Listen. She admitted to being a little antagonistic, and she apologized to me, but—“

“She apologized to _you_?!” It took all of his effort to keep his eyes on the road.

“Yeah. Even though you made a total dick move bringing up her dad, she didn’t want you to take all the blame for being a dick.”

He scoffed. “What? I hit the nail on the head with the daddy issues, didn’t I?”

“Her dad’s dead,” Octavia spit out.

Any modicum of victory that he felt after that argument drained out of him. _Shit._ “At least she knew her dad,” he mumbled.

He could actually _feel_ her glare. “So, you think either of us would have been happier if one of our dads had stuck around, we had the chance to get close, and then they die in a horrible accident we blame ourselves for?”

Bellamy clenched his jaw shut. His instincts had more retorts, but he knew he was wrong. He didn’t ask for more details, because it wasn’t his business. They rode the rest of the way in silence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on [Tumblr](http://ilovethisship.tumblr.com/), too!


	8. Chapter 8

Football games weren’t exactly Clarke’s cup of tea, but she and Octavia had managed to get close over the last few weeks, and she wanted to be a good friend. Plus, it would be kind of cool to see the full routine that belonged to the music that had been blasting in their dorm for two weeks straight. She found a spot in the bleachers with a decent view of the field, and settled in with her sketchbook. Octavia wouldn’t be performing until halftime, and Clarke had been so busy studying for everything that she hadn’t had much time to do anything new.

She heard Bellamy before she saw him and looked around frantically as she hid her drawings. It sounded like someone actually thought he was funny. The fact that he might have friends was _mind-boggling_. He rounded the corner and she held her breath, hoping that the fact that she was surrounded by people would hide her. It worked. At first. A few plays went by before his eyes landed on her and he grimaced. Clarke watched him lean over to the guy he was standing with, who looked at her, head tilted, then just shrugged and whispered something to Bellamy. He didn’t look remotely pleased with whatever it was. She rolled her eyes and threw a sarcastic wave his way.

A few more plays had gone by when suddenly a slight blonde girl couple years older than Clarke dropped into the seat next to her with a shy smile. “Princess?”

Clarke scowled. “Not my name.”

“Sorry, sorry.” The girl held up her hands in mock-surrender. “He’s just never mentioned your real name. You’re ‘O’s roommate’ or ‘Princess’ or… well, those two are the most common.”

“Are you his girlfriend or something?”

“Oh, god no. No way in hell. My name is Harper. I’m one of his roommates.” Clarke looked from Harper to Bellamy, who was pointedly not looking at them, then back to Harper who just shrugged. “Why don’t you come sit with us? Me and Miller, I mean,” Harper clarified when Clarke was about to protest. “You can ignore the eldest Blake. We’re all here for O, anyway, right?”

Clarke pursed her lips and tried to see any motives Harper could have for the invitation. She really had no interest in being anywhere near Bellamy after their disastrous meeting, but Harper’s big eyes looked so open and honest that Clarke felt herself caving and just sighed. “Fine. I guess I can do that.” 

Harper introduced Clarke to Nathan Miller, who gruffly insisted that she call him Miller or Nate if she _had_ to use his first name and informed her that she should never call him Nathan. Bellamy just rolled his eyes and focused on the game so intently that Clarke was a bit surprised the field wasn’t on fire. It was all only a little awkward, and that was mostly because of Bellamy’s continued silence and Miller’s tendency to answer Harper’s questions with one word answers (“he’s occasionally more talkative once you get to know him”, Harper whispered), even if they required more than one word to make sense.

Two minutes before halftime, Harper left for the bathroom, Miller left to grab more drinks, and Clarke’s Bellamy buffers were gone. _If he’s not going to say anything, I won’t say anything._ It was as though he had been waiting for them to leave, because as soon as they were both out of earshot, he spoke.

“Listen, Princess,” he said, keeping his eyes trained on the field. “About the other day….”

“What about it?” She watched him out of the corner of her eye.

“I’m sorry for what I said about your dad.” The words came out in a rush, almost too fast to understand. “It was a low blow, and I didn’t know. O told –“

“Seriously?!” He was un-fucking-believable. She could not believe that he had the gall to bring it all up again. “Your pity is the last thing I need.”

His jaw clenched and he inhaled sharply through his nose. “Whatever. Can’t say I didn’t try.” He mumbled something about a ‘stick up her ass’ that she chose to ignore.

Clarke crossed her arms and leaned back in her seat. “We’re both here for Octavia. Can’t we just leave it at that?”

“Fine.”

"Good."

They both sat and stared at the field until Harper rejoined them and burst into laughter. She laughed so hard she fell into her seat, holding her sides and wiping tears away from her eyes. “What?!” Bellamy and Clarke snapped the question at the same time, which only caused Harper to laugh harder.

“Do you realize…” she gasped. “Do you two realize that… you two… oh my god, you make… exactly the same faces when you’re angry?”

Clarke glanced over and realized that Harper was _right_. She scoffed and scooted to the edge of her seat, focusing on the dance team gathering on the other side of the field. She was fairly certain she had picked Octavia out of the group by the time they set themselves in formation.

Even before the music started up, Bellamy was cheering at the top of his lungs. Harper nudged him affectionately before joining in and Clarke wasn’t about to not yell about her love for her roommate just because she didn’t want to do something that Bellamy was doing. Octavia was amazing, of course, and it was easy to get lost in the excitement. After the performance was over, Clarke glanced over at Bellamy. It was weird, for a moment, almost as though they were actually smiling at _each other_. She shook herself and turned her attention to Harper.

“Hey, thanks for asking me to come over here.” She hesitated, wondering if she should say anything else. But short of asking _why_ , she didn’t know what she could say. “I’m going to go find O before I head out.”

“Oh, okay! I’m glad you came over! And O was right. You seem pretty awesome.” Harper turned to glare at Bellamy when he scoffed, but quickly turned back to Clarke. “You guys should really come to our party next weekend. I think we’re doing one every time there’s an away game.”

“Um, thanks.” Clarke ducked her head and grabbed her things. “I’ll think about it.”

It was fairly obvious from the look on Bellamy’s face that he felt exactly as she did about that. Nothing could convince her to step foot in his apartment, even if his roommates weren’t half bad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come find me on [Tumblr](http://ilovethisship.tumblr.com/)!


	9. Chapter 9

“Come on, come on, come on.”

Clarke tried to cover her face with a pillow as she felt Octavia tossing clothes on top of her. “Come on, O! Stop it. You’re making a mess.”

“I’ll stop it if you come to the party with me.”

“No _way_. Your brother hates me.”

“He doesn’t hate you. He just doesn’t understand that just because someone has money, they’re not automatically a bad person.”

Clarke sat up and pursed her lips, studying Octavia who was giving her some of the best puppy-eyes she had seen since she watched Disney movies. “Trust me. You didn’t see him before your performance last week. He hates me.”

Octavia dropped the act for a furrowed brow. “You know what? I don’t want to know. You’re my roommate. And my friend. I actually _like_ you. And he’s my brother.” She sighed and pressed her fingers to the bridge of her nose. “It would mean a lot to me if you two would at least _pretend_ to get along. Or could manage being in the same room occasionally.”

 _Oh, she’s good._ Clarke let Octavia stand like that for a moment before she grabbed one of the shirts piled around her waist and threw it at her head. “Have you expressed this sentiment to your brother?”

“He seems to be stuck in the same mindset as you.” She pitched her voice lower. “’Princess just thinks I’m a jackass. Harper’s a jerk and already invited her without asking for _my_ opinion. Why would I invite her to my party? Why would she come to my party? I’m just a mopey jerk. Blah blah blah.”

Clarke didn’t want to laugh. But she did anyway. “How is that supposed to convince me to go?”

“You mean you don’t want to just go for my sake? Or to piss off my brother?” Octavia pouted and linked her fingers underneath her chin. “Come on. Wouldn’t _that_ be fun for you?”

“You know what would be even _more_ fun for me?”

* * *

Octavia burst away to find Bellamy as soon as they got to the apartment. The music was loud and the place was crawling with people. Clarke wondered if Bellamy even knew half of these people before deciding that one, he probably didn’t, and two, it didn’t really matter. It didn’t matter, because Jasper was busy gaping at the scene in front of them and Monty had that small smile on his face that meant he was excited about something. She could have fun with her friends and only had to have minimal interactions with Bellamy after saying hello.

Before long, Octavia seemed to materialize in front of them with Bellamy in tow and drinks for everyone. Bellamy quickly shoved the drinks he was holding into Monty and Jasper’s hands leaving Clarke to take one from Octavia. That was fine with her. The less she had to take from him, the better. He barely said hello to her, grunted a ‘nice to meet you’ at the others, and then stood in awkward silence until a pretty girl yanked on his arm and basically shoved her tongue into his mouth. Clarke scoffed and turned to Jasper, whose jaw dropped.

“Holy shit.” Jasper’s jaw might have been permanently glued to the ground. “That man is _epic._ ”

“Wow, you’re really obsessed with anyone with the last name ‘Blake,’ aren’t you?” Clarke elbowed him gently in the side.

He shook his head and elbowed her, mouthing for her to shut up. “Do you know how many chicks talk about him? And this is a big campus.”

“I don’t know why. He’s an ass.”

“A sexy ass.”

Octavia pulled herself out of a conversation with Monty to playfully shove Jasper. “Excuse, me, did you just say my brother has a sexy ass?!”

Bellamy's date detached herself from his face, shocked, and Bellamy gaped at his sister. Clarke and Monty both snorted into their drinks. Jasper stuttered an apology to Octavia, who looked amused, even if Jasper didn’t seem to realize it.

* * *

Clarke ducked into the kitchen. It was weird being at a party again, but Harper’s apartment was at least within walking distance of the college. It made her feel a little less anxious. It was quieter in the kitchen. Sort of. There was still a lot of foot traffic, but it gave her a chance to enjoy her victory away from everyone else.

When she had last left them, Monty was discretely trying to calm Jasper who had finally had enough alcohol to start asking Bellamy for tips on picking up girls. Her favorites were the ones that were very thinly veiled attempts to get information on what Octavia liked in a guy. The flustered look on Bellamy’s face was the best thing she had seen all day. It made the whole evening worthwhile, even if she had almost been able to feel his glare follow her out of the room.

After taking a few minutes to herself, she opened the fridge to grab another beer before going out to find Octavia so they could plot their next move. When she closed the door, she jumped. Bellamy was leaning against the counter with his arms crossed. She hadn’t even heard him enter the room.

“Nice move ditching me with the wonder twins.”

She rolled her eyes. “Come on. They’re sweet.”

“And crazy.”

“Monty’s not crazy,” she said with mock offense, a hand on her chest.

“Goggles on the other hand—“

“Goggles?”

“He’s wearing goggles on his head. I’m calling him Goggles.”

“They're safety glasses for Chemistry, but whatever. Continue?”

“We’re not in your Chemistry lab right now.”

She shrugged. “At least he accessorizes.”

“He's like a puppy.”

“A puppy who _loves_ you.”

Bellamy scoffed and she laughed. “Come on, Princess. I’ve got a date here. It’s time to rein your in boyfriends a little.”

Clarke leaned around him to grab the bottle opener and popped open her beer. She took a long drink and then grinned. “Aww, come on, Blake. I’m just trying to… how did you so eloquently put it last weekend? I’m just trying to get the stick out of my ass and enjoy myself a little.” She walked out of the kitchen, leaving a sputtering Bellamy in her wake, and almost ran right into Jasper. “Oh, hey!" She grabbed Jasper's arm. "Bellamy was _just_ looking for you in the kitchen!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come find me on [Tumblr](http://ilovethisship.tumblr.com/)!


	10. Chapter 10

**Octavia Blake**  
October 19 at 4:29pm  
_Great day. Great hike. Great roommate. – with_ ** _Clarke Griffin_**   

**Bellamy Blake:** _Hey, O, what the hell? I thought you were going to invite me._    
**Octavia Blake:** _No way do you get to play that card. You told me you had to work today._  
**Clarke Griffin:** _Stop hijacking a nice status with your negativity._     
**Octavia Blake:** _Seconded._    
**Bellamy Blake:** _Fine. I’m going to drag_ ** _Nathan_** _up a mountain next weekend and neither of you are invited._  
**Nathan Miller:** _Don’t drag me into this. And you know I hate hiking with your ass. You’re too intense for normal people._    
**Octavia Blake:** _You can say that again,_ _omg_  
**Nathan Miller:** _Remember the time that he had to carry Harper down the trail?_  
**Octavia Blake:** _Oh my god, that trail was way worse than advertised._  
**Harper McIntyre:** _Yeah,_ ** _Bellamy_** _, I almost broke my fucking ankle!_  
**Clarke Griffin:** _Miller can hijack this nice status all he wants if he’s going to keep sharing tidbits like that._  
**Clarke Griffin:** _But just so your brother knows, O, I could totally handle any trail he could._    
**Octavia Blake:** **_Clarke_** _, I don’t think that was a good idea………_  
**Bellamy Blake:** _I don’t believe you._  
**Clarke Griffin:** _I’m up for the challenge if you are._  
**Bellamy Blake:** _You’re on. You name the day, I’ll name the place._    
**Clarke Griffin:** _It's on, Blake._

* * *

Mount Weather had always been one of Bellamy's favorite hikes. He usually went alone or with Octavia when she was feeling adventurous. It felt a little weird to share this with Princess, but she wanted a tough hike. It was also probably the last hike he’d get in for the year, so he wanted to do one he’d enjoy.

O looked exhausted climbing out of the passenger seat of a newer Prius, but any hopes he had of Princess being too hungover from the night before were dashed. Instead, she looked almost invigorated. Her hair was pulled back in a messy bun and, much to his disappointment, she was wearing proper hiking clothes. He glanced back at O who was even dressed a little more appropriately for this hike than usual. 

"I don't know how I let you two drag me along on this," Octavia grumbled as they met him at the trail entrance. “I don’t even like either of you enough to get up this early.”

“Oh, hush, I bought you coffee.” Princess turned her attention to him. She looked up him and down and shoved her hands onto her hips. "So, what's the competition? Time? How long it takes for one of us to want a break?"

Bellamy shrugged. "How about we just see how you handle this one?"

After about a half hour, Octavia seemed a little more energized. Princess wasn't showing any signs of flagging, either. He wasn't sure if he was disappointed that they eventually made it the entire 12 miles up the mountain without complaint. There were a few spots he was ready to help them through and the only one who accepted was O.

At the top of the mountain, Octavia immediately pulled out her cell phone for a group selfie. Princess seemed amused by the picture, but once O was done, Clarke walked to the guard rail overlooking the city. She set her small pack down and sat facing the view while she dug something out.

Bellamy left O to her own devices and went to join Princess. He tried to think of something to say when he noticed her bandaging a cut on her knee. "You okay?"

Princess jumped slightly and then shrugged. "I'm okay. Nothing major. That last set of rocks caught me real quick."

"Do you need help?"

"No." She smiled softly. "Thanks though. This was definitely worth the trip."

Bellamy surveyed the view and nodded. "I'm not sure how to tell who won."

"I did!" Octavia popped up between them to hand them both sandwiches. "You guys have been nice to each other for almost 4 hours. Think we can go for two in a row on the way back down?"

Bellamy and Clarke both snorted, then studied each other. Princess broke first. "I'm sure we can make it all the way down without yelling at each other."

"Maybe," Bellamy added.

Octavia sighed and plopped down next to Clarke. "Good enough, I guess.”

They didn’t exactly make it the whole way down without an argument. He may have found some kind of reluctant admiration for Princess, but she was still stubborn and self-righteous. It was hard to get along with someone like that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come find me on [Tumblr](http://ilovethisship.tumblr.com/)!


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been out of town for a few days. I thought I'd be able to post chapters while I was gone, but it was crazy!!! So glad to be home and I'm ready to get some more of this fic out!

“Please, Bell? Pretty please? We need a relaxing evening, and you know we’re stuck in those shitty dorms.” Octavia folded her hands under her chin and pouted, batting her eyelashes. 

Bellamy just arched a brow at her and she blushed. Barely. While still managing to maintain her plea. He knew her dorm room was _far_ from shitty, but he also knew that they didn’t have any room for a movie night. “Don’t lay it on so thick next time. One day, I’ll be immune to this shit.”

It was like she burst into prep mode immediately. She whipped out her phone and started frantically texting. “Thanks so much, big brother. They’re all going to appreciate it.”

“Who is this ‘all’? I thought you were just talking you and Princess.”

“And Monty and Jasper?” She scrunched her nose at him and smacked his arm. “Come on, Bell. They think you’re awesome. And…” she flipped her phone around to show him the screen. “Monty says he’ll bring you some moonshine?”

“He’s not old enough to buy alcohol.”

“Yeah. He _makes_ it,” she said as though that were the most obvious thing in the world. “He’s really smart.”

“Is uh… Jasper was the one with the goggles, right?”

Octavia nodded and that was about the point Bellamy decided to give up and just let it happen. He had liked Monty when he met him at the party, but he wasn’t sure how he felt about his sister hanging out with someone who could make their own alcohol. In a dorm. Where there was at least occasional supervision. He was grateful when she sent him to the store with a very specific list of popcorn, candy, Mad Max, and Inside Out. When he got back, he found her pacing in the kitchen, talking on the phone. He set the bags down loudly, but she just glared at him.

“Seriously, you work yourself too hard.” Long pause. “Yes, I know that, but…. Okay seriously, if you have to, just bring your stuff here.” Short pause. “Don’t even start. Bell won’t mind. No, I’m serious. He’s a big nerd just like you when it comes to that studying stuff.” Short pause. “If you don’t have your butt in this door by 6:00, I will make him drive me to the dorms and kidnap you. From our own dorm room. Don’t you underestimate me, Princess.” Octavia squeaked. “I’m sorry! It just popped out.” Short pause. “Now I won’t complain. I promise. I’d pinky swear if I could.” Short pause. “Okay, don’t sever an artery.”

Bellamy winced and escaped into the living room before she could hang up. It didn’t help that the second that Miller and Harper heard that Octavia was bringing friends over for movies, they cancelled all plans they had. Miller had actually asked someone to trade shifts with him at the bar and was firmly planted on the couch with no intention of moving. He ‘wanted a good seat for the show.’

 _Some best friend you are_. Bellamy glared, willing Miller to read his mind. It might have worked, because he toasted Bellamy with his bottle of beer and a snarky grin. 

* * *

Princess was the last to arrive. Jasper and Monty visibly relaxed when she walked in the door. They had been sitting on the arms of the armchair Octavia was in, occasionally shooting Bellamy nervous looks. Her phone was tucked between her cheek and her shoulder, and she had a bag that dropped to the floor by his coffee table with a loud thunk that made him a little worried his floor would break.

“Hold on, mom,” she finally said, covering the microphone with a finger. “She called right as I was walking up the steps. I’m sorry.”

Bellamy shrugged and pointed at the door to the kitchen. Princess nodded and left the room. Bellamy raised an eyebrow at Octavia. “Don’t look at me. I told you her mom’s crazy. If she didn’t answer the phone, Abby probably would have driven over here.”

“… at a movie night with some friends.” Princess’s voice could be heard faintly. “Octavia’s brother has an apartment. … Seriously, mom? His roommates are both only twenty. ... Well, at least he’s in school now! Does that really matter?” Miller elbowed Bellamy and raised his eyebrows suggestively. Bellamy pushed Miller off the couch. “Yes, I’m still here. … Come on, that’s gross. We kind of hate each other, but we’re trying not to for O’s sake. … Fine. _I’m_ trying not to hate _him_ for O’s sake. … You like Octavia. … No, I am not going to call Wells. I am done having this conversation now. … Mom, stop. I’m going to go study… yes, I’m going to study while watching a movie with my friends. That _is_ possible. Goodbye.”

Miller adjusted himself on the couch again as Princess walked back through the door, her cheeks pink. Jasper and Monty shared an uncomfortable look as they slid to the floor in front of O’s chair and Harper jumped over the back of the couch to sit on the other side of Miller. 

“I’m so glad our mom isn’t that overbearing,” Octavia said, and Princess blushed even more furiously.

“You guys are lucky.” She settled on the floor in front of the coffee table and shared a look with Octavia who jumped up to start the first movie.

Bellamy watched Princess with an unwilling awe as she unpacked her books onto his table. He was impressed that she really did intend to study her way through the movies. It made him feel a strange sense of déjà vu. The only thing missing was a pen smudge on her cheek and the torn out pages from her notebooks. Well, and the see-through top, but he tried not to think about that very often.

Once the movie had started, he leaned forward under the pretense of taking the bowl of popcorn out of her way and lowered his voice. “Did I hear you defending my honor, Princess?”

Princess regarded him out of the corner of her eye and then sighed. “She makes unfair judgments about people. You’re pretty much a dick, but you’re trying to do something with your life.” She hesitated before adding, “She has no right.”

Bellamy didn’t like being wrong about people. He was still skeptical about her. It would take a lot more than a few nice words to actually change his mind, but he appreciated the thought nonetheless.

* * *

Clarke tried to divide her attention between the movie and studying, but she just got frustrated, so she kept her focus on her books. Even though she really wanted to see both of the movies that they had rented. She sighed as she pushed her French book to the side, and was surprised when Octavia leaned over and grabbed it off of the table. “Puis-je emprunter votre livre?”

It took her a moment, but she translated it in her head and decided to respond in kind. “Oui. Ce est à moi est à toi.”

She glanced back at Bellamy as O opened the book, but he didn’t say anything. He just raised his beer in a toast to her and smirked. That stupid smirk. Even when he was being half-nice, that thing wouldn’t leave his face. She turned back to Chemistry.

By the time they had started the second movie, she had moved onto Biology. Clarke stared down at the book, rubbing her temples. A foot bumped her hip and she whipped her head around to stare at Bellamy.

“Why are you even doing this?” Unlike before, Bellamy didn’t even bother to whisper, earning himself shushes from the rest.

“’This?’”

“Bio and Chem at the same time?” Octavia kicked him from the spot on the couch she bribed Miller for halfway through the first movie and Bellamy just pushed her legs away. “Four classes in your first quarter? Take your pick.”

“Haven’t we been over this? The plan is a B.S. in Biology. For my mom. And a B.A. in Painting and Drawing for me.”

“Yeah, yeah, I've heard. Your mom wants you to be pre-med, but you had other plans for your life. So tragic.”

“If I want to make everyone happy, I have to do ‘this’.” She gestured to the books in front of her.

“You _have_ to?” Octavia kicked him again.

Clarke recoiled from his snap. “Yes. I have to.”

“Can you two not argue over Bing Bong, please?” Miller muttered under his breath. “Very important things going on here.”

“You were doing so well,” Harper hissed.

No one’s protests could stop a Blake once they were in full force though. He leaned forward, putting his elbows on his knees, and Clarke could tell he wanted to stand. “I don’t think _you_ have to do anything that you don’t want to do.”

She wasn’t sure how to respond to that, so she turned around. He had no right. She didn’t understand how he could go from telling her that she was going to buy her way through her classes to getting indignant and angry at her, seemingly on _her_ behalf. It was mind-boggling. And distracting. “I don’t have to explain myself to you, Bellamy.” She shoved her books into her bag and stood, swinging it over her shoulder. “O, will you please bring my French book home?”

“Where are you going?” Octavia pouted.

“The library. I can’t concentrate here.”

Clarke stormed out before anyone else could say anything, slamming the door with a little more force than necessary. This had been _her_ decision, and she was not going to let Bellamy fucking Blake make her doubt it.

* * *

O smacked him on the back of the head. “You chased her away.”

“Can you not?”

“Ass.”

Bellamy huffed as he crossed his arms and leaned back on the couch.

“Told you I needed a good seat. Now can everyone please shut up? I’d like to see if they can get out of the Memory Dump,” Miller said, earning himself a glare.

* * *

**_Clarke Griffin_ ** _and **Harper McIntyre** are now friends_  
**_Jasper Jordan_ ** _and **Harper McIntyre** are now friends_  
**_Jasper Jordan_ ** _and **Nathan Miller** are now friends_  
**_Monty Green_ ** _and **Harper McIntyre** are now friends_  
**_Monty Green_** _and **Nathan Miller** are now friends_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come find me on [Tumblr](http://ilovethisship.tumblr.com/)!


	12. Chapter 12

“I can’t believe you invited him here when I specifically asked you not to!” Clarke was livid. She couldn’t stop pacing in circles around her room as her mom glared at her from the door. “I would rather spend the holidays with Octavia’s brother. And he’s an asshole. Doesn’t that tell you anything?”

“Do you really have to use that language, Clarke?”

“Yes, mom. When you bring dickbags into the house, what do you expect?”

“Is… dickbag… even a real word?”

Clarke was pissed and the fact that Abby looked to be about a step away from laughing didn’t help. “I’m not going down there.” Clarke crossed her arms and sat on her bed, trying to will herself to stillness. 

“I didn’t actually come up here to talk about Wells. Or about any of the other friends we have coming over. I wanted to talk to you about this.” Sometimes it seemed like Abby had hiding places everywhere, because she pulled out a folded piece of paper that Clarke swore had been nowhere in sight thirty seconds ago. Instead of standing to take the paper, she waited for her mother to cross the room before reaching out. It was her class schedule. “Two art classes, Clarke? Five classes? Are you trying to kill yourself?”

She was so angry over Wells being in her house that she snapped. “Why not five, mother? You want me to be pre-med. I want to have some time to draw. Some time to paint. This quarter isn’t ‘killing’ me. I found a way to do both.”

“How?”

“Double major.”

Abby laughed, but it wasn’t mean. It was sad. “I don’t understand why you’re holding onto this idea of yours so hard.”

“And I don’t think I’ll ever be able to explain it to you. Painting and drawing, that’s what I love right now.” She pointed at the print-out a little more roughly than she intended. “And these are the beginner classes. I can handle five classes.” Abby sat down next to her and sighed. Clarke waited for a moment, but her mother didn’t speak. She took it as a victory. “Painting and Drawing will just feel like one class anyway.“

“I know you want to honor your father, sweetie.” She carefully placed her hand on Clarke’s knee. “I just worry about you.”

Clarke leaned over and gave her mom a quick hug. “I know, mom.” And Clarke did know. The thought followed her through dinner, where she was gratefully placed at the opposite end of the table from Wells. And his father. Her mother didn’t blame anyone for her father’s death, Clarke knew that, but she would always blame Wells. Wells had been her best friend and the betrayal ran a little too deep for Clarke to ever forget.

He risked a couple of glances at her, but spent most of the time talking to her mother about college and the ideas he had for majors. Two years ago, _she_ would have been his sounding board. A small part of her wondered if he had found a new one at his new school, and that very small part twisted painfully. They had been best friends since before they could walk. They had always given the other advice on their crushes, helped each other with homework, watched soccer games with their dads, and gone on hikes with their families. He had been a shoulder for her to cry on when she got her heart broken for the first time, and she had been there for his. Her father’s death hit her harder than it might have if it hadn’t been for Wells spilling a secret he had promised not to.

She pointedly avoided his gaze all through dinner. Before dessert, she snuck up to her room under the excuse of using the bathroom. She tossed her duffel bag full of clothes out of the window and winced when she did the same with her bookbag. Her laptop, she snuck into her purse and hid that by the door with the shoes. Once the pies were cleared, she snuck out of the house and drove back to the dorms. Of course it was empty. And lonely. Octavia had gone with Bellamy to their mom’s and would be staying overnight. She was about to shut off her phone, because her mother had tried calling her twice since she left, but hesitated when she saw a notification on her phone.

**Octavia Blake**  
November 26 at 9:02pm  
_I might just be used to having my own space, but I’m_ actually _missing my dorm, and especially **Clarke**. Sorry, **Bellamy**. No offense._  
**_Monty Green_ ** _, **Nathan Miller** , and 5 others like this_

**_Jasper Jordan:_ ** _No one misses those dorms, **Octavia**._  
**_Monty Green:_ ** _Second._  
**_Harper McIntyre:_ ** _Third! You couldn’t pay me enough to go back to those dorms. (:_  
**_Bellamy Blake:_ ** _I do take offense, thank you very much. I thought I was good company._  
_Mom’s been empty-nesting without you. I’m going to tell her that you don’t miss her._  
**_Octavia Blake:_ ** _Man, Bell. Offense totally intended now. Rudest older brother ever._  
**_Nathan Miller:_ ** _Low blow, selling out little Blake, eldest Blake. Low blow._  
**_Octavia Blake:_ ** _Listen to your bff4l, **Bellamy**.  You know you’re wrong when he’s on my side._  
**_Harper McIntyre:_ ** _You’re not allowed back in the apartment with that attitude, **Bellamy**._  
**_Bellamy Blake:_ ** _Last time I invite you two to Thanksgiving. Even if your parents don’t live in town._  
**_Harper McIntyre:_ ** _Rude!_  
**_Nathan Miller:_ ** _Rude!_  
**_Harper McIntyre:_ ** _Jinx! **Nathan** owes me a coke. I’m in **Octavia’s** room. You will bring it to me now._  
**_Octavia Blake:_** _Okay, somehow, my kind declaration of roommate love got turned into mocking **Bellamy**. I’m sure she’s okay with _  
_the turn of events, but I want to remind **Clarke** that this was only about her._  
_Alright, maybe it was a little bit about mocking him… but mostly about roommate love._  
**_Clarke Griffin: Octavia_ ** _, I agree with you on all counts. See you Saturday, right?_  
**_Octavia Blake_ ** _Even if I have to steal a car. Or **Bellamy** ’s car. _ _❤_  
**_Bellamy Blake_ ** _Hey, now…._

* * *

**_Clarke Griffin_ ** _and **Nathan Miller** are now friends_  
**_Bellamy Blake_ ** _and **Monty Green** are now friends_  
**_Bellamy Blake_ ** _and **Jasper Jordan** are now friends_  
**_Harper McIntyre_**   _invited you to her event **Pre-Winter Break Extravaganza!**_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come find me on [Tumblr](http://ilovethisship.tumblr.com/)!


	13. Chapter 13

**_Dec 5 Pre-Winter Break Extravaganza_ **  
**Guests** and **Friends** Hosted by **Harper Williams** , **Nathan Miller** , and **Bellamy Blake**  
**_Friday, December 5 at 9:00pm_ **  
Tonight – 46ºF / 38ºF Chance of Rain  
**_Our Place_ **  
_Invited by **Harper McIntyre**_  
**_Harper_ ** _is going_  
**_21        43          8_ **  
_going   maybe   invited_

_Hey everyone! Winter break is approaching and we’ll be separated for 3 weeks!!! Let’s get together and wish each other whatever happy kinds of holidays we celebrate and drink before we vacate the campus! We’ll have beer and liquor, but please bring your alcohol of choice for a fun party game (if you’re underage, obviously not required, but find a way if you can! <3). Hope to see you all there!! – Harper_

**_Bellamy Blake_ **  
November 29 at 1:28pm  
**_Monty_ ** _, I am requiring that you bring your moonshine. That shit is horrible, but for some reason, I really want more of it._  
**_Clarke Griffin_** _and 4 others like this_

 **_Monty Green:_** _You got it. One order of **Bellamy** moonshine coming right up._  
**_Jasper Jordan:_** _Thanks a lot. Now I have to go buy scented candles. That stuff makes our room smell weird._  
**_Monty Green:_** _Stop complaining. You helped me come up with the recipe._    
**_Bellamy Blake:_** _Y_ _ou guys can’t come to the party without it, so suck it up, **Jasper**. _    
**_Octavia Blake: Monty_** _'s_ _moonshine counts for me and **Clarke** too!_  
**_Bellamy Blake:_** _Seriously, that doesn’t count. Find your own._  
**_Monty Green:_** _Yeah. Stop riding on my coat-tails, little Blake._  
**_Octavia Blake:_** _I need people to stop calling me little Blake._  
**_Clarke Griffin:_** _Oh, come on. We discovered **Monty**. We deserve some credit._  
**_Monty Green:_ ** _I seem to remember **Jasper** and me discovering you, not the other way around._  
**_Jasper Jordan:_** _Yeah, come on, **Clarke**. Get your facts straight._  
**_Bellamy Blake:_** _Well, it was a valiant effort, **Clarke**. But a loss nonetheless._  
**_Clarke Griffin:_** _Ugh. You guys suck._

* * *

It was a bigger party than he thought it would be. Even after seeing the invitation Harper sent out, he hadn’t expected so many people to show up. Still, it was oddly comforting to see his sister interacting with his friends as an adult; to see her laughing with Jasper and Monty; to see Miller actually accepting a hug from her. He could even reluctantly admit that it was nice to see the way she interacted with Princess. The two brought something out in each other. Princess seemed to ground his sister and bring her down from the clouds. Octavia had actually been _finishing_ homework, and one time he had walked into their dorm to find her studying for their French class. On her own.

And Octavia… well, she seemed to make the princess laugh. She had a face that looked like it didn’t get to do that very often. Most of the time, he saw her with her brow furrowed, ink marks somewhere on her person, and paper cuts on her fingers. But, O seemed to be able to get her to attempt to relax. While he wasn't thrilled by her almost constant presence, he could tell that she kind of needed it. He wasn't unhappy when she walked through the door anymore, either. 

Bellamy found himself a little distracted from his date and a little too focused on watching them instead. He just happened to be watching when Princess wandered away from the group and down the hall. Annoyance flared up inside of him. Everyone got the speech when they walked in that the bedrooms were off limits. _And_ she had been to more than one party there, so she really should have known better. He dropped to whisper into Roma’s ear that he would be right back.

He was a little shocked to find her sitting on _his_ bed, but not as shocked as she was to see him open the door. It struck him then that this was a chance for him to talk to her about Octavia and maybe they could actually try to call a truce, but she jumped up and muttered an apology, attempting to skirt around him. He did the only thing he could think of and he grabbed her upper arm to stop her from going past.

“Where you going, Princess?”

“Back to the party.” She tugged her arm back, but he just moved his hand down to her elbow.

“Why were you in here?” She finally met his eyes and her jaw tightened. He grinned down at her when she didn’t speak. “I mean, if you wanted to see my bedroom, all you had to do was ask.”

She pulled her arm back harder and he let go. “You’re disgusting, Bellamy.”

“Maybe.” _Good job, Bellamy._ He leaned back against the wall next to the slightly-open door. “But you’re the one who was sitting on my bed.”

“It wasn’t like that.” She glared at him. “I just needed to get away from the noise for a minute, okay? But the noise followed me in here, so I’m just gonna go.”

Guilt stabbed at his gut and he grabbed her elbow again when she tried to push through the door. “Clarke.” It was a small thing, but it stopped her from leaving. He had never said her name in the two months he had known her. “Listen. Why do we always do this?”

The glare melted off of her face and she looked confused without it. “Argue?”

“Yeah.” He shrugged and dropped his hand, allowing her to step back, then sat in his desk chair. She stood and regarded him carefully, chewing her lip, until he motioned at his bed. “Are you going to sit down so we can talk about this or are you going to leave?”

Clarke scoffed, but she sat, crossing her arms and staring at him intently. “I think we argue, because you hate me when you haven’t even taken the time to get to know me.”

He smirked, keeping his eyes focused on hers. “I think that’s a little mutual, Princess.”

“There. That’s what it is. _Princess._ Why do you keep calling me that?”

He studied her for a moment. She straightened her back and set her hands on her knees, but didn't break eye contact. There was a right way to describe the origin of the nickname, and he wasn’t sure what it was. “Well.” He hesitated. He didn’t know much about her, but he thought she might be able to handle the truth. “I’m sure you know O and I didn’t grow up with much money. And I have to admit, I _might_ have made a snap judgment when you and your mom came in and… _contributed_ all that furniture.”

“I didn’t ask her to do that. I mean, I asked for the desk, but I wanted to give O-”

“I know. O told me.”

“And yet, you _still_ call me Princess.”

“Well, if you stopped reacting, you’d take all the fun out of it,” he offered with a sheepish grin. She laughed. Reluctantly, but she laughed. 

“Listen.” She hesitated, and he thought it was funny how they were both so unsure over their attempt to have a civil conversation. “I don’t have any close friends anymore, Bellamy. Octavia kind of forced her way into my life, but now….” She held up a hand for a moment, but let it drop heavily into her lap. “I don’t want to lose her just because her older brother sucks.”

He couldn't not laugh at that. She surprised him by smiling instead of glaring. “I really haven’t ever seen O get this close with someone, either, if that helps. I don’t want her to lose the chance to have a friend who,” he paused to clear his throat, because what he was about to admit was uncomfortable for him, “takes care of her. I mean… just because her choice in friends can be a little uptight sometimes.”

“So, what does this all mean?” She gestured between the two of them and he shrugged.

“I don’t really know. I think we’re always going to butt heads a little. You’re pretty stubborn.” She opened her mouth but he continued. “And I can be, too. I’ll admit that.”

She smirked. “So, we’re always going to butt heads, but we can at least –“

“Try harder to get along?” She nodded and he stood, offering her his hand. For a moment, he thought she wouldn’t take it. But she did and they shook on their tentative agreement. Maybe they wouldn’t be friends, but they could at least make it easier for Octavia to get time with everyone she wanted. When he dropped her hand, he smiled. “You can hide out in here for a while longer. But I should get going before Roma thinks I ditched her.”

Clarke just nodded and offered a quick thanks. He hung back at the door. She tilted her head with a half-smile. He had to shake himself to try to rid himself of the strange intrusive thought that he liked to watch her when she was thinking. 

“What are you doing?” she asked, half laughing.

He shook himself again and smiled. “Rejoining the party.”

* * *

Clarke was more than a little tipsy by the time the party ended, but so was Octavia. It was hard for her not to be. She had to keep drinking to tame the whiplash Bell and Clarke were giving her. Bellamy had brought a beer to Clarke. He hadn’t taken the opportunity to make fun of her when she gestured so wildly telling Jasper a story that she knocked Harper’s psychology book off the counter. And then, Clarke didn’t make a joke about how he should get a room instead of sticking his tongue down Roma’s throat when she accidentally interrupted their little groping session against the fridge. Octavia had picked up the slack on that one though. It was too much to ignore, really.

The weirdest part was that Octavia was ready to go home before Clarke for once. In fact, she had to pull Clarke out of a spirited debate about what the best anti-zombie weapon would be. 

"Guns. Seriously. How is this even a debate?" Jasper asked.

Bellamy rolled his eyes. "You're going to run out of ammo in... what do you think, Clarke? A couple years?"

"Years? More like months. Even if you had all the ammunition from all over the world," Clarke paused to take one of the shot glasses Bellamy offered her and raised her eyebrows at him before tossing it back. "Even if you had allllll the ammunition, what if you're a shitty shot? You going to headshot one-hundred percent of the time? No."

Bellamy nodded in agreement. "What are you going to do? Figure out how to make gunpowder?"

Jasper frowned. "I could totally make gunpowder. Saltpeter. You have an easy supply in your body. Just pee. Charcoal? Just burn wood. It's easy. And sulfur."

"There's no way!" Clarke gestured wildly and Bellamy had to steady her, chuckling. "Unless you're fighting the zombies from Yellowstone, where are you going to have a readily available supply of sulfur?!"

"What's your answer then?!" 

"Lightsabers." Bellamy and Clarke spoke at the same time, laughed, and then high-fived.

Of course, this led to an argument between them about what type of lightsaber would actually be the best (Bellamy insisted it was a double-bladed one; Clarke insisted it was dual wielding dual-phase blades which Bellamy thought was impractical) while they ignored Jasper's protests about their choice being a fictional weapon. Octavia had to placate them by saying that really, any lightsaber would be effective. She had  _no_ idea Clarke knew that much about different lightsaber types.

When she finally got Clarke out the front door, she glanced back to see Bellamy leaning out of the front door, waving. Clarke _actually smiled_  at him and waved back. Whiplash. Seriously. Octavia would have said something, but she was terrified that she would jinx it, so she just rolled her eyes and linked her arm through Clarke’s.

Clarke steadied herself on Octavia’s shoulder about halfway home so she could unlock her phone and keep walking. O couldn’t help but glance down at the screen.

 ** _Bellamy Blake_ ** _has sent you a friend request._  
Approve   Decline

Clarke’s thumb hovered over the ‘approve’ button, but she stared down at her phone like it bit her. There would be a time and a place to mock these two over how weird they were about becoming friends. Sadly, it was not this night. It was possible that they were finally figuring out how awesome they both were. It was more likely that they were trying to get along for her sake. She loved them both so much it wasn’t even funny.

* * *

 ** _Bellamy Blake_ ** _and **Clarke Griffin** are now friends_


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bellamy's "poem" is from The Lightning Strike (What If The Storm Ends?) by Snow Patrol. It's always made me think of them, and I thought it'd be nice if he's subconsciously thinking about blondes while writing poetry. :)

Bellamy and his roommates had parties almost every weekend and Clarke went when she could. It was easier to go more often during winter quarter. The art classes really did relax her. Being able to draw as part of her homework cleared her mind and made everything seem more tolerable. There were still moments, though, that she just needed to get away. There was some new, unspoken agreement between Clarke and Bellamy that she could hide in his room. If she was gone for more than ten minutes, he’d bring her a beer and they’d chat about school or Octavia, innocuous things that didn’t usually stray too far towards argument territory. Although, even the innocuous things (they were still arguing about lightsabers almost a month later) seemed to be argument territory occasionally. They couldn’t really help it.

Tonight, his desk was covered in papers. It was strange, because he was usually so neat. Clarke sat at his desk, ignoring the pull of temptation for as long as she could. Three minutes. She lasted three minutes before she couldn’t help but shuffle through the ones on top. They were… poems. A lot of the pages had lines crossed out, even though they were pretty decent. But her fingers lingered over one of the parts he had left mostly untouched.

_What if the storm ends and I don’t see you as you are now ever again._  
_A perfect halo of gold hair and lightning sets you off against the planet’s last dance._    
_Just for a minute the silver-forked sky lit you up like a star that I would follow._    
_Now it’s found us like I have found you._    
_I don’t want to run_    
_Just overwhelm me._

There was a question mark off to the side and then _no_ written underneath it. It was a little strange that he didn’t just cross it out if he didn’t like it. It seemed a little out of character, but she thought it had potential.

There was a bump and the door swung open. She turned with her hand still on the desk to find Bellamy standing there, eyes wide, a beer in each hand. “Umm…”

Clarke tore her hand away. “I didn’t mean to. They were just… they were there. Out.” She glanced back at his desk and noticed the books – one, two, three, five? - stacked there. “Wait a second. How many classes are you taking?”

She turned back to him with a grin and whatever emotion, she thought it had been anger, was on his face slipped away and he shrugged. “Four. I figured if you could do it, I could do it.”

“You do know I’m taking five classes this quarter.” Clarke took the beer he offered and took a seat at his desk again. She still felt weird sitting on his bed when he was in the room. He smirked that stupid smirk that said he knew what she was thinking and took a seat on the bed.

“From what I’ve heard, two of those are art. Everyone agrees you seem a lot calmer this quarter, so don’t think you’ve one-upped me.”

Clarke smiled and decided to take a risk, gesturing behind her. “That stuff is pretty good, you know. You’re actually a decent writer.”

_Oh my god, is Bellamy Blake… is he blushing?_ She couldn’t believe her eyes. Her jaw dropped slightly as he tried to hide his blush by taking a long drink, and he had to clear his throat and say ‘thank you’ twice, because his voice cracked the first time.

“Are they about anyone in particular?” 

He just shrugged and he was so obviously blushing at that point. She took her own long drink to avoid laughing. “I don’t really know. The professor does this weird meditation thing before classes, and that just kind of came out.”

“I thought you preferred brunettes.”

He grinned, then. “I’m all-inclusive, really. Haven’t you figured that out?”

“You’re all-disgusting, really.”

“You love it.”

She rolled her eyes. “I don’t know if I’d—“

“There you are.” Roma poked her head around the corner and looked at Bellamy, then at Clarke, then back at Bellamy. “I thought _I_ was your date tonight?”

Clarke rolled her eyes when his _date_ wasn’t looking, but obviously didn’t hide it well enough, because he snorted and had to turn it into a cough. Which meant that she almost laughed and had to turn _that_ into a cough. 

“I just wanted to make sure Clarke was doing alright. She promised she’d look over one of my papers.” He toasted her with his beer bottle and followed Roma out of the room, whispering. She could hear Roma ask if he was comfortable with someone editing his homework while they were drinking.

She allowed herself to sit in the relative quiet until she finished her beer. Bellamy and Roma had joined a game of Kings on the other end of the living room. From what Octavia had said, the two weren’t anything serious, which was apparently Bellamy’s choice. They met on Tinder of all places. It seemed like a decent way to find a hookup, but Clarke hadn’t felt the need to take that leap yet.

She wondered if he knew that Roma wanted more. A part of her immediately assumed that of course he could tell. He had a weird gift for reading people. But, in their brief chats over the last few weeks, she had noticed that didn’t necessarily extend to the way they felt about him. If she wasn’t in the middle of what seemed to be a so-far successful truce, she might have called him out on it. In private. But they had both been making a good effort to _not_ snap at each other, and while it didn’t always work, she knew that this situation was _definitely_ not her place. 

She watched them across the room for another moment; the way Roma clung to his arm and laughed a little too hard at his jokes; the way he smiled down at her, but it was reserved, like his smile was for almost everyone except for Octavia. He glanced over to where she was standing and caught her eye and wiggled his eyebrows at her. She rolled her eyes and grabbed and beer before venturing into the crowd to search for her friends.


	15. Chapter 15

Octavia pulled Bellamy into her room and rushed back into the bathroom to finish putting on her makeup. He was a little disappointed that Clarke wasn’t there. It was only because it would have been nice to have someone to talk to while he waited.

The room was different than the last time he had been there. It was a little messier. Still organized, but a little messy. O had two pairs of dance shoes on the floor in front of her closet. He only knew they were dance shoes because he had grown up with her dance crap all over the house. A pair of legwarmers hung over the back of her chair. And it even looked like she had picked up Clarke’s study habit of ripping pages out of notebooks and covering her desk, her books on the chair.

Clarke’s desk looked pretty much the same. Her Biology book was open to a page on meiosis versus mitosis. Her Chemistry book was open to a chapter titled “Enthalpy and Thermochemistry.” Bellamy shuddered. He had never been very good with science and he couldn’t imagine how her brain could handle both subjects at once.

The last of the mess was on the third desk, which had been clear a month ago. It now had pencils, charcoal, and a box full of half-used pastels. A few pictures were pinned to the wall above the desk. There was a sketchbook open on the table with a half-finished sketch of what looked like the Arkadia skyline, matching one of the pinned up pictures. Intrigued, he carefully turned the page to see what he was pretty sure was a view from the top of a hiking trail he loved. The next page had the outline of Octavia’s face and his breath caught in his throat. The detail was uncanny. He kept flipping through the pages. Most were landscapes, some were people. It was, he reluctantly admitted to himself, incredibly impressive.

“Good, isn’t she?” He jumped and turned to see O leaning against the door to the bathroom. She laughed and hopped around the corner to her desk, pointing at the wall. “Look familiar?”

Bellamy looked back and forth between the drawing he had complimented a few months ago and the lines on the pages under his fingers. It took a second, but when it hit, it was kind of like getting punched in the gut. “No way, really?!”

Octavia laughed again. “Yes, really. I think I had that same look on my face when I first walked in on her drawing. You’ve gotta see it. It’s like she’s in this trance or something. She didn’t even hear me walk in the door.”

He forced a laugh and took his fingers off of the paper. Art was another thing that wasn’t one of his strong suits and it felt incredibly personal to be seeing this layer of Clarke’s personality without her present. “Can we go? Mom’s waiting, and I have a shift at the cafe tonight.”

Bellamy walked slowly behind his sister who was chattering away about something that happened during her dance practice and tried to convince himself that it felt like he was on even ground with Clarke after seeing her drawings. She had seen his crappy poems for his English class. _Maybe it’s not the same thing… your poems suck and her drawings are…._

“So, Princess is actually seriously getting a degree in art for herself?”

He knew he said something wrong when Octavia managed to glare and grin at him at the same time. It was a terrifying look. “I don’t think _I_ can answer that for you, Bell.”

Fumbling for anything else to say, he asked the only thing he could think of. “Does she work at the Arkadia Science Center or something?”

“God, I keep forgetting you guys are actually Facebook friends now. That’s so creepy. No.” The glare was gone, but it was replaced by something else. Something calculating. “She volunteers there on Saturdays. And at Red Cross tomorrow for a few hours. And twice a week at the clinic downtown. For the pre-med honor society thing her mom wants her to join. They look at grades and volunteer work, stuff like that.”

“Huh.”

Octavia elbowed him gently in the side and he glared at her. “Why you asking? Does little Bell want to get his picture drawn too?”

“Ugh, no way, O. Stop it.” He settled his hands on her shoulders and spun her away from him, pushing her carefully toward the car.

* * *

Saturdays were her favorites. Volunteering at the science center was definitely more fun than she thought she could have doing something her mother encouraged her to do. Still, she was so exhausted that she fumbled with the key in the lock for longer than necessary. After having kids climb all over her all day, her body was moving a little slow.

“Octavia?” Her lamp was on, but it looked like she still wasn’t back. Which was unfortunate, because in addition to being tired as hell, Clarke was also starving. Disappointed that she would have to wait for food, she let her purse drop outside the bathroom door and made her way to her sketchbook that _was left open on a picture she did not leave it open on._

Keys jingling in the hall caught her attention just as Octavia burst through the door. “Hey, sweetie, sorry I’m late. We were running behind, so I had to walk from Bell’s work.”

Clarke smiled and waved a hand dismissively. “No problem. Were you looking at my sketchbook again?”

“Nope! Bellamy finally figured out you can draw.”

“He was looking through my book?” Clarke wasn’t sure if she was annoyed or not. She knew she didn’t really deserve to be annoyed. Not after she accidentally snooped through his poetry homework and he caught her. “Did he say anything about it?”

She thought her voice had been nonchalant. She didn’t really _need_ to hear that Bellamy liked her drawings. But the look in Octavia’s eyes kind of creeped her out. “I’m not sure I can handle you two sort of getting along. You’re so weird about each other now.”

“What do you mean? What did he say?”

“Nothing!” O lifted her hands up in mock defense. “I just kind of miss hearing you call him a dickbag all the time.”

Clarke laughed so loudly it caught both of them off guard, and Octavia was startled into laughter as well.

“O, sweetie, your brother’s still a massive dickbag. We’re just learning to co-exist because we both love you.” That cut off Octavia’s laughter a little suddenly, and Clarke was suddenly very self-conscious. “I mean, you know, I just never expected to get along with my roommate this well, and you kind of –“

The wind was practically knocked out of her as Octavia threw her arms around her, and she got some hair in her mouth at the same time as she received a bone-breaking hug. For being equally short and thin, Octavia was fucking strong.

“Clarke, I love you, too.” O’s voice was muffled, as though she had a mouthful of Clarke’s hair as well. “You’re my best friend. You know that, right?”

“Me too.” Tears stung her eyes and she nodded into Octavia’s shoulder. “We should probably send a thank you note to the registration office, huh?”


	16. Chapter 16

They had to reschedule movie night for the middle of the week, because Harper had picked up an extra shift at work and Octavia had a performance on the weekend that everyone hadn’t factored in. Jasper and Monty showed up with a message from Clarke asking everyone to start without her. Bellamy felt a little guilty then. He had forgotten that she had a late lab on Wednesdays, but she hadn’t protested the change in date.

She walked in without knocking near the end of the first scary movie with a plastic bag in hand, took one look at the screen, shuddered dramatically, and walked into his kitchen. When she reappeared a couple of minutes later, she had a gigantic burrito in the middle of one of his plates and some silverware, and took her usual seat on the floor at the coffee table. Bellamy was about to protest her using his stuff without asking, but got distracted by how enthusiastically she started shoving food into her face.

“Oh, shit, Clarke, did you go to Taco del Mar without us?” Monty even pouted.

“You know that’s my favorite place,” Jasper said.

“I know, sorry,” she said around a bite of food. “I had to stop by Jackson’s office to see if I could switch my schedule around next week after painting. So, I didn’t get any dinner. And I’m starving.”

When she mentioned her painting class, Bellamy noticed a streak of light green and purple paint under her ear. He was about to say something when she shoved another huge bite in her mouth. Bellamy Blake had never been speechless in his life. He could barely register Harper switching out the movies. Watching Clarke eat had him in a trance. There was enough food on that plate for three of her and she had consumed half of it in less than ten minutes.

She started slowing down after that and he glanced up to find Miller watching her with awe. Bellamy assumed his own face looked the same. He caught Octavia’s eye, who was also watching Clarke as though she had never seen her in her life, but his sister just shrugged with wide eyes. Harper was the only one who seemed to be accepting the behavior as normal and kept motioning for everyone to leave Clarke alone.

In less than thirty minutes, her plate was nearly empty and he couldn’t hold back anymore. “I can’t tell if I should be horrified or impressed by your very unladylike table manners, Princess.”

“Fuck you.” She shoved another bite in her mouth.

“You’ve eaten a little too much to still be hangry,” he said. She rolled her eyes, shoving the last bite in her mouth. “Seriously, are you stoned?!”

Octavia and Monty shared a look and burst into laughter. Jasper just studied Clarke to see if he could find any proof to back up Bellamy’s suggestion.

“Fuck off, Bellamy.” Clarke flipped him off. “I was hungry! I’ve been going since 8 this morning with hardly any breaks.”

“You have some paint on your neck. Are you just saving that for later, or…?”

Clarke took the remaining wrapper and balled it up, then threw it at his forehead. He earned himself a shove from Harper when he started laughing, but the way Clarke rushed out of the room to clean her neck was worth it.

* * *

A few moments later, they were sitting in relative peace. Clarke leaned back against the couch after elbowing Bellamy’s leg out of the way and rubbed her stomach gently. She always forgot that she didn’t need all that food, even if she was starving. But it was so good that she couldn’t not keep eating. When she noticed Bellamy still eyeing her out of the corner of her eye, another stupid smirk on his face, she pulled out her phone and tagged him in a new post.

He responded quickly and she snorted back laughter. “Princess velociraptor?! What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” Clarke grabbed the pillow Monty was leaning against and threw it back at Bellamy’s head as hard as she could. He skillfully dodged it.

“You devoured that thing like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park when they ate that entire cow. It was terrifying!”

Octavia’s glare from her seat got scarier as the two of them bantered over Facebook. By the time they got home, she would hardly speak anymore.

“I’m sorry!” Clarke shouted from her bed when both of their phones buzzed to notify them of a comment from Miller on her Facebook. She tried to hide her laughter, but was fairly unsuccessful. Miller wasn’t much of a talker in public, but he was almost sociable on social media.

“I don’t just blame you, Princess,” Octavia said from under her pillows. “I blame myself for deciding push notifications were a good idea. I also blame my assface of a brother. I wish you guys still hated each other.”

“I do still hate him.”

“Sure. Whatever you say. Just put your phone on silent!”

Clarke bit back a laugh as she complied.

* * *

 **Clarke Griffin**  
February 18 at 8:52pm  
_Ugh. **Bellamy** can’t even let a girl eat in peace. WTF?! _    
**_Nathan Miller_ ** _and **18 others** like this_

 **_Bellamy Blake:_ ** _Seriously, don't get in between this girl and food. She’ll bite your head off._  
**_Clarke Griffin:_** _Watch the fucking movie, Blake._  
**_Bellamy Blake:_** _Don’t tag in me in Facebook posts, then, Princess velociraptor._  
**_Clarke Griffin:_  ** _Lots of experience dodging objects being thrown at your gigantic ego-filled head?_  
**_Bellamy Blake:_** _No. You just have shitty aim._  
**_Octavia Blake:_  ** _That’s such a lie! You would have hit him if he had been PAYING ATTENTION TO THE FUCKING MOVIE!!!_  
**_Monty Green:_** _Please don’t hate me, **Clarke** , but that was some of the most skillful dodging I’ve ever seen._  
**_Jasper Jordan: Bellamy_** _’s just that good._    
**_Monty Green:_** _Can I have the pillow back yet?_  
**_Clarke Griffin:_** _Jeez, O, sorrrrrrrry. And stop sucking up, **Jasper**. :-p **Monty** , you’re excused. Because it was kind of… dextrous._  
**_Bellamy Blake:_** _I win. And the pillow is mine now._  
**_Clarke Griffin:_** _Excuse me?_  
**_Bellamy Blake:_** _I knew you’d give up. So, I win._  
**_Clarke Griffin:_  ** _Puh-lease. You don’t have to live with your sister. I don’t want to piss her off._  
**_Bellamy Blake:_** _Puh-lease? What are you? 12?_  
**_Bellamy Blake:_** _Also, I lived with the girl for 16 years. I can take her._  
**_Nathan Miller:_** _Okay, I only support this argument, because at least you’re not yelling over the movie again, but **Octavia’s** scary._  
**_Bellamy Blake:_** _Wuss._  
**_Clarke Griffin: Bellamy Blake_ ** _, you will be nice to **Nathan** on my statuses or else._  
**_Harper McIntyre:_** _Dude, you guys are sitting RIGHT next to each other._  
**_Bellamy Blake:_** _Or what, Princess? What are you gonna do? Unfriend me? You can’t get rid of me that easily._  
**_Clarke Griffin:_** _It’s just one little click of a button, Blake. One. Little. Click._  
**_Bellamy Blake:_** _Rude. And we’ve been getting along so well lately, too. I’m so disappointed._  
**_Nathan Miller:_** _They both look like they’re going to murder both of you._  
**_Octavia Blake:_** _GET OFF YOUR PHONES YOU ASSHOLES_  
**_Harper McIntyre:_** _I will take your phones away if I have to! You two are supposed to be the responsible ones!_  
**_Nathan Miller:_** _But seriously, girl, you can EAT._  
**_Bellamy Blake:_** _I’m still not convinced you weren’t high._  
**_Clarke Griffin: Nathan,_ ** _thank you. I will take that as a compliment. **Bellamy** , can you not say that shit on my posts?_  
**_Octavia Blake:_** _Seriously guys, go to fucking sleep._  
**_Nathan Miller:_** _You are welcome. It was an epic feat._  
**_Bellamy Blake: Clarke_ ** _, I’ve thought about it, and you’re… ugh. You’re right. Sorry. You can delete the comment if you want. You were just hungry…. I guess._  
**_Clarke Griffin:_** _It’s fine, **Bellamy**. Just no more._  
**_Octavia Blake:_** _WE HAVE TO BE UP IN 6 HOURS. IF MY PHONE GOES OFF ONE MORE TIME, I WILL END ALL OF YOU._


	17. Chapter 17

As he followed his sister through the doors into the art center, it occurred to Bellamy that he had no idea how she got him to do a lot of the things she got him to do. Octavia ran ahead of him where Harper and Miller were waiting to rope them into a double hug. He would never admit it, but it was even a little heartwarming to see Monty and Jasper run in to hug her from each side. His group of friends had expanded in the past year in ways he wouldn’t have expected. They turned to find him where he was watching them and Monty beckoned him over with a grin. He rolled his eyes, but felt a reluctant smile of his own slide onto his face as he crossed the room.

He trailed behind the group with Miller so he wouldn’t have to make conversation, which allowed him to watch the group in front of him. The third time Harper giggled and pulled on Jasper’s stupid goggles, Bellamy elbowed Miller. He had to elbow him _multiple_ times before he finally just ripped the beanie off of his friend’s head.

“ _What_?!” Miller punched him in the arm and grabbed his hat back.

“Dude, are you seeing this?” Bellamy whispered back.

“Are you talking about Harper’s weird-ass crush on Jasper?”

“Is this a thing?”

“Not exactly. I think Jasper’s usually too busy staring at… uh…. I think Jasper is into someone else.”

“How the hell did I miss this?”

“Well, you’ve been busy.” Miller shrugged and raised a brow. “What with the revolving door between our apartment and your Tinder girls, and then the rest of the time you’re either sticking your face in a history book, arguing with Princess, or hanging out with your sister.” Bellamy opened his mouth to speak, but Miller held up a hand and ploughed on. “No big deal, bro. Seriously. You just don’t have a lot of time for the little people anymore. I mean, we live with you and we haven’t seen you much this year.”

Bellamy frowned. It was probably the longest speech he’d ever heard Miller make. Any other time, it would have called for a celebration, but now he just felt awful. “Did she tell you?”

“Didn’t have to.” A sly grin popped up on his face. “Remember when she first started hanging out with us freshman year and she had that huge thing for Dax?”

“Oh man, and she kept ‘subtly’ asking him to tell her stories that he’d told us all a thousand times. Like that douchey story about the time he went hunting?”

“God, that one was the worst.”

“And we had to pull her to the side and tell her what an asshole he was.” Bellamy laughed. “Because he was sleeping with that girl from his Anthro class.”

“And then she kicked him in the balls.”

They both winced, saw each other wince, and laughed loudly. It caught the attention of the group in front, and Harper glanced between Jasper, who was eyeing Octavia out of the corner of his eye, and Bellamy and Miller. She smiled wistfully and slid back to join them.

“What are my two favorite guys laughing about?” she asked as she linked her arms in theirs.

“The time you made sure Dax wouldn’t be able to have any kids,” Bellamy said with a fond grin.

She blushed and nudged them both with her elbows. “I seem to remember him with a black eye the next time I saw him.” Miller and Bellamy exchanged an innocent look. “And he hasn’t shown up at our parties this year.”

“I had nothing to do with that,” Bellamy said quickly.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Miller feigned panic. “Bellamy, who is this crazy woman? Get her away from me!”

He had missed this. Miller had been right. Between all three of them with their jobs, school, and dates, it was rare for the three of them to be in the same place unless they all planned on it. He made a mental note to plan on it.

And then they rounded the corner. The three of them stopped dead in their tracks and said, “Holy shit,” in perfect synchronicity. Clarke was standing in front of a wall with about ten paintings, her hands clasped tightly in front of her. He was used to seeing her in her dresses, leggings, and boots with her hair tied into a braid over her shoulder, but he was not used to seeing her so openly displaying emotion. _Nervous. She’s nervous._

* * *

Crowds had never been her thing. Clarke didn’t dislike them, exactly. She was actually pretty great at public speaking, but they still made her a little uncomfortable. It was hard to not continuously scan the crowd for people she knew. She clasped her hands tightly in front of her as another group stopped in front of her paintings and tried to smile widely.

It was an immense relief when Octavia, Monty, and Jasper appeared in front of her suddenly and she hopped over to them with what she knew was a nervous smile, but she couldn’t hold it in. Octavia took her hands and turned back to grin at Harper, Miller, and Bellamy. “Clarke, I know I say it all the time, but you’re crazy talented!”

Harper tore herself away from her roommates and wrapped the two girls in a quick hug. “I can’t believe you’ve never shown me your stuff before,” she squeaked, playfully smacking Clarke on the arm.

“Seriously, Princess,” Miller said with a small smile. “These are great.”

Clarke laughed and felt her cheeks heating up. She seriously wished that nickname hadn’t caught on. “I guess if I want to get more feedback from you, I’ll just ask on Facebook.”

He stuck his tongue out on her and moved past them to study her paintings. Monty and Jasper patted her on the shoulders as they moved to join him. She had wrangled them into taking the class with her, so they had seen the paintings already, but she appreciated the fact that they had shown up anyway. Octavia and Harper followed, leaving her face to face with Bellamy.

Bellamy wasn’t looking at her. He was staring at her paintings, a little wrinkle forming between his brow and his hand covering his mouth. It quickly became uncomfortable, as though she were standing there exposed and he was just studying her stuff impassively. Clarke swallowed, cleared her throat, and took a step back. _If he’s not going to say anything, why did he come?_

After another moment, she finally just turned around to look at her work. She had no other direction to face. The professor had chosen a couple of her landscapes, but most of what he had chosen were the abstracts she had decided to play around with. It wasn’t a style she was used to, but she had worked in some underlying nature themes to most of them, so they still felt like her work.

“Nice paintings, Princess.”

Bellamy’s breath ghosted against her ear and she jumped. It took quite a bit of effort to try to look casual as she turned back around. And he was smirking. Again. She was suddenly offended. “Get a new facial expression, Blake.”

“What?”

“Seriously, if you’ve got some criticism, constructive or not, just spit it out.”

“I meant what I said.” He looked… hurt, for lack of a better word. But that was slowly being replaced with anger. “If I thought they were shit, you know I’d say it. Who are you to me that I would feel the need to cushion the blow?”

“Um….”

“You know what? I don’t know anything about art. So my opinion doesn’t matter anyway, does it?”

“Bellamy –“

“Just don’t, Princess.” He brushed past her and she could see him paste a fake grin on his face before he caught the attention of the rest of them. Octavia smiled and waved before they had to leave. Clarke wished they could stay; wished she could have a redo of her response to Bellamy; wished he hadn’t been such an ass; that _she_ hadn’t been an ass. But she knew that the groups were encouraged to move on quickly, and that she would see them after at the reception.

Sure enough, after about another half hour passed, she found them congregated in the main hall waiting for her. Minus one. It felt weird to be looking for Bellamy, and it felt weirder to be disappointed that she couldn’t find him. After another half hour passed, she got the courage up to ask Miller where his roommate was. Quietly.

“Left. Got called into work.” He must have seen something on her face, because he suddenly looked uncomfortable. “Um… what’s up?”

“Oh, nothing.” She grinned and hoped it didn’t look creepy or fake. “I just didn’t get much of a chance to talk to him.”

“Pre-quiet-hours movie night on Monday, right?”

“Yeah. I suppose so.”

Clarke left him alone then. Even though she was pretty sure Miller liked her as a person, she didn’t like to stretch his limits for face-to-face interactions. She briefly considered texting Bellamy, but Octavia was so excited about ice cream that they had to leave immediately.

Through the night, she tried to formulate the perfect text message in her head, but nothing worked. They weren’t exactly at a point where they texted each other, anyway. Sometimes they’d send each other stupid pictures they found online, but there wasn’t ever any depth to the messages.

The worst thing was that even chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream couldn’t make her feel better.


	18. Chapter 18

Clarke tried not to hurry on her way to the pre-quiet-hours movie night. She knew Bellamy was mad at her, because he claimed that movie night was over and cancelled the event on Facebook. Harper quickly remade it and took Bellamy off as a host. Still, Octavia changed her mind at least three different times while they were picking out the movies and Clarke’s patience was running thin.

When she and O finally got to the apartment, she found Bellamy on the balcony. He was drinking a beer a little forcefully while leaning against the railing. He was the only person she had ever met who could make such a mundane thing look _forceful_. She slipped out to join him while everyone else was prepping seating arrangements, making popcorn, and gathering up drinks. He turned around when she closed the door and his face fell when he saw it was her.

“Princess.”

“Bellamy.”

They just stared at each other for a moment and he didn’t even bother to fake a smile. “Well, movies are gonna start really soon. Should probably get inside.”

“No, I wanted to –“

“Really, O made some good choices this week. We don’t want to miss it.”

 _I know. I was there._ He tried to get past her to get inside and she sidestepped to block him. “Can I just apologize for snapping at you the other day or are you going to keep being an ass about it?”

“Great apology,” he scoffed.

“That’s not… I was… fucking hell, Bellamy.” Clarke clenched her fists at her sides to stop herself from running her hands through her hair. “I was just so nervous, and I thought… I thought you hated it.” She hated how quiet her voice was by the time she finished speaking. 

“It’s fine, Princess. I don’t know what I was thinking. It’s not like we’re friends. I should have stayed home.”

“Bellamy –“

“I forgot something at the store. I have to go.”

“Bellamy, come on.”

“I’ll be back later. Sooner if you’ll get out of my way.”

He moved his hands like he was going to move her out of the way, but stopped short of touching her and pulled back. She wanted to punch him, because he wouldn’t even look at her, but she just sidestepped with a sigh and didn’t watch him go. 

“You better not be driving!” she shouted.

The front door slammed behind him.

* * *

Bellamy had been driving Miller crazy for the last four days. The man had gone into overdrive trying to be a better roommate, but he kept snapping any time someone tried to bring up Clarke and how awesome her paintings had been. He even tried to cancel movie night, supposedly because he wanted to get a head start on studying for finals, but Harper caught him drinking in his room. 

All Harper had succeeded in was getting him to go from drinking alone in his room to drinking on the balcony. Miller noticed that Clarke didn’t follow Octavia into the kitchen when she was _supposed_ to be on drinks duty with Harper. He glanced out into the living room in time to see her slip out onto the balcony.

“Hey, little Blake, can you finish up that popcorn for me?”

“Seriously, Nate? It’s your job.” 

“But you make it with love. That makes it better.”

“Fine.” She rolled her eyes. “Only because I know you’re incapable of emotions.”

After a quick glance to make sure Harper was still working on the drinks, he returned his attention to the balcony. He couldn’t see Clarke’s face, but he could see her digging her nails into her palms and he could see Bellamy clenching his jaw. That was the final piece of the puzzle. The last time he had seen his roommate act like this was after his girlfriend had dumped him their freshman year.

Miller probably wouldn’t have known anything about the situation if they hadn’t roomed together back then. He had walked in one day to find a very pretty girl attempting to apologize to him. She didn’t want him back. She just wanted him to understand. And he had written her off. He had loved her, but he wrote her off and had never bothered to explain what happened.

He didn’t think Bellamy had necessarily written Clarke off. But he _did_ think that she had weaseled her way under his skin and that _maybe_ Bellamy was finally starting to realize it. And by the looks of it, he wasn’t happy about it in the least.

He took a step back into the kitchen when Bellamy tried to get past Clarke to get inside, but it was stupid of him to worry. Even when he wasn’t looking at her, he was so focused on her that he wouldn’t notice if a train was about to hit him. Miller was suddenly very tempted to laugh, because he _should_ have seen this months ago. It was so painfully obvious, more obvious by the second with the way Bellamy’s shoulders tensed when Clarke yelled after him and the way he slammed the door.

Bellamy Blake had a fucking crush. And apparently, he was the only one who was noticing this.

* * *

He didn’t bother going to the store. It was a hollow lie. And he _was_ too buzzed to drive. At first, he was livid that Clarke was right. But that dissipated and he was just disappointed in himself. He didn’t really know why he was so pissed at her to begin with. She had snapped at him, but she always snapped at him. He would snap back, they would argue for a few minutes, and then one of them would make a joke and it would be done. That had been the routine they had fallen into and it had worked. And he was an idiot. She was trying to apologize and he was being an ass.

The problem was, as he reached the door and fully intended to try to mend things, he realized he couldn’t yet. Something inside of him was still so offended. He knew he was being childish, but he couldn’t listen to her try to apologize again.

It took him another moment of pacing outside before he finally opened the door. Part of him was relieved that Clarke was sitting in her usual spot on the floor in front of the shockingly empty spot on the couch he usually claimed. Octavia was laying on the couch with her head in Harper’s lap and the rest of the guys were sprawled around the room on the floor.

Miller caught his eye and raised an eyebrow as if to ask ‘everything good?’ Bellamy shrugged and wondered, not for the first time, what was running through his head. Clarke had her eyes fixed on the screen, but her entire body tensed up when he jumped over the back of the couch instead of walking past her. There was a moment where she almost leaned back into his legs, which she had done the past couple movie nights. But she caught herself and scooted over to lean back near his sister instead.

And if he watched her more than he watched the movie, it was just because he couldn’t decide what she was doing. He couldn’t decide what her motives were for apologizing. He couldn’t even figure out why he couldn’t just apologize to her instead and move on with it, because he hated seeing her like that. If he watched her more than the movie, well, he was the only one who noticed, anyway.


	19. Chapter 19

Bellamy had been to a lot of Octavia’s dance competitions, but the only company he’d ever had was his mom. When O begged him to give Clarke a ride because her car was in the shop, it was obvious what she was doing. He knew he’d been moping for a couple weeks. Every encounter he’d had with Princess since the last movie night had been excruciatingly awkward. What better way to get them to forgive each other than a two-and-a-half hour road trip where neither of them could escape?

He took as much time as he could getting ready. Clarke had texted him in the morning to let him know that he didn’t _have_ to give her a ride, because she could figure something out. But instead of taking the out, he told her he’d do it. No innuendos, because him not accepting her apology had just caused an awkward rift that didn’t allow room for joking around. He half expected her to insist, but she didn’t. She was even waiting outside when he pulled up in front of her building.

Perfunctory greetings were exchanged and they rode in relative silence for half of the trip. He asked how long her car would be in the shop and she answered without supplying any excess information. He kept his hands at ten and two on the steering wheel, chose an innocuous CD to play, because he realized he had no idea what her music preferences were, and paid close attention to the surrounding traffic. The last thing he wanted was to show up at O’s competition, or spend an extended period of time in an enclosed space, in a heated argument with Clarke.

Clarke read a book most of the way there, but she would only read for about ten minutes and then close it with a small sigh. It happened a few times before she just put it away. The music wasn’t doing enough to break the tension in the air and all he could really hear was her not saying anything.

Bellamy cleared his throat. “We’re about twenty minutes out, I think.”

She nodded and he pushed down a sigh.

“So, are you still pissed at me?” she asked quietly a few minutes later.

He risked a glance over at her when she spoke. She was staring out the window, resting her chin in her hand. Her voice was so soft that he was a little worried. He realized he was taking too long to respond when she sighed, and his voice cracked when he responded. “I don’t think I was ever really pissed at you, Princess.”

“Could’ve fooled me,” she snapped.

Bellamy gritted his teeth. “It was a misunderstanding that got a little out of control.”

“Understatement of the century.”

“You can say that again.” She laughed. It was a bitter laugh, but there was no real malice. Just sadness. “Why do you care so much anyway?”

Clarke was quiet for a long time. He risked another glance over to find her studying him and chewing her lip. He felt himself chewing on his own lip, nervous about what her answer would be. Finally, she sighed again. “It bothered me when you said that we’re not friends, you know.”

He grinned. He couldn’t help it.  It wasn’t what he expected. “Why would that bother you?”

“Well, I’ll deny it vehemently if you ever repeat it, but I do kind of consider you to be my friend, you idiot.”

“Kind of?”

“Yeah, kind of.” She smiled and he could hear it in her voice. It was a good sound.

“Ah, Princess, you know exactly how to make a man feel good, you know?”

She rolled her eyes and settled back into her seat. “I like this band.”

“Good.”

“And just so you know,” she said hesitantly, “the reason I was so snappy is because I really value your opinion.”

Bellamy’s stomach did a weird little flip and he watched her out of the corner of his eye. Her head was resting against the seat, but she was watching him, too, so he smiled. “Good. And I may have been so snappy back, because, well. I mean, you already said it.”

“Because you want to be my friend.”

“Yeah, because I want to be your friend.”

She grinned and started to poke him repeatedly in the arm. “Bellamy wants to be my fri-end. Bellamy wants to be my fri-end.”

He bit back a laugh. “Stop!”

She didn’t. “Bellamy wants to be my fri-end!”

He tried to push her hand away. “I don’t want to be your friend if you keep this up.”

“Yes, you do. No take-backs.”

“I totally take it back.”

He grabbed one of her hands and pushed it back into her lap. He was a little startled when she didn’t immediately let go. Instead, she held onto it with both hands and kept singing her little chant while rocking it back and forth until he could convince her that he needed it to drive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I haven't remembered to do this in a while, but come talk to me on [Tumblr](http://ilovethisship.tumblr.com/)!


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't speak French! I used Google Translate for the French parts in this chapter... please forgive me and help me if I butchered anything. Translation is in the end notes.

Clarke felt a lot better about life in general since she and Bellamy had officially made up, which was a weird feeling in itself. Six months ago, she never would have expected that she would want to be his friend for any reason other than the fact that she really wanted to keep Octavia around. But somehow he had wormed his way into her heart. She actually enjoyed their stupid arguments and had missed them when he had been overly polite all of the time.

Sometimes they got a little out of control. They got in trouble more than once during movie night, because they were arguing so loudly about something from the movie that no one could even hear what was happening. Octavia could hold a grudge for days over that. And contrary to her original belief, he was _occasionally_ funny and she admired how much he cared about the people in his life. In fact, she got the feeling that if she ever needed anything, he wouldn’t be a bad person to turn to. It was… comforting to know that he was there.

Ever since Octavia’s competition, she and O (sometimes even Monty and Jasper) had been spending more and more time at his apartment after classes. It was homier than the dorms and a better place to study than the library. They never had to worry about finding a table and they could be as loud as they wanted without getting kicked out. Most of the time. Clarke preferred sitting on the floor, Octavia was almost always sprawled out in the armchair, and Bellamy always took the couch. One time, he had even offered to share with Clarke, but he did it in such an inappropriate fashion that Octavia had thrown a book at his head and he kicked _both_ of them out. Even though he did occasionally force them to leave, he always let them come back in a couple of days.

Clarke tried to avoid looking at him today, because he kept making weird faces at her over his history book, and she kept coughing on the vocabulary words Octavia was testing her on from their French class. It was hard to avoid his gaze and she was tempted to move to the other side of the table where she couldn’t see him. The last time she had done that, though, he kept poking her with his pen or tugging on her hair, so she immediately shelved that idea and propped her textbook up on the table to make a little wall.

During one particularly long silence when she and O were searching through their books for a tough word on the study guide, he finally said something. “You know, I have a whole new appreciation for women now.”

Octavia barely squeaked out an, “Excuse me?!”

Clarke removed her makeshift barrier and smirked at him. “Like you think we haven’t see you _appreciate_ women all over this apartment.”

“Not like that.” Bellamy waved a hand in the air. “Seriously. This class has just brought the plight of women into a whole new light for me.”

Octavia raised her eyebrows at Clarke, who couldn’t stop laughing. “Votre frère est si bête.”

"De quoi qu'il parle?"

“Il parle de son cours sur l'histoire des femmes américaines.”

“Are you guys talking about me?” Bellamy sat up. “I know I heard you say American and I _know_ you said women.”

Octavia narrowed her eyes at him. “Quelqu’un a besoin de lui dire de se taire.”

“Je vais le faire.” Clarke grinned. “Shut up, Bellamy. Comment sont les choses avec ce mec, Octavia?”

“Nous avons une autre date ce soir. Bellamy n'a toujours aucune idée.”

“I was being serious. Don’t make fun of me.” He actually pouted and Clarke had to choke down laughter again.

“Ou le frapper,” Octavia said in the middle of _openly_ laughing.

“Je vais le faire.” A pillow dropped into Clarke’s lap and she glanced back at Octavia, who had tears pouring down her cheeks.

“Don’t you dare.” Bellamy pointed at Clarke. She shrugged innocently before throwing the pillow as hard as he could. He caught it. He fucking _caught_ it and grinned. “You’re dead, Clarke Griffin.”

* * *

**Nathan Miller**  
April 8 at 7:12pm  
_I thought I lived with grown ups. Then I had to break up the world’s biggest pillow war in my living room. I’d be angry if I weren’t so impressed. …They broke the coffee table, **Harper**. – with **Bellamy Blake, Octavia Blake,**_ _and_ **_Clarke Griffin_**

**_Harper McIntyre:_ ** _They broke the fucking coffee table?! Are you kidding?_  
**_Clarke Griffin:_ ** _Sorry…. :-(_  
**_Octavia Blake:_** _I’m soooooooooo sorry._    
**_Bellamy Blake:_ ** _I’m not. That coffee table was hideous. We needed a new one anyway._  
**_Harper McIntyre:_ ** _And how long are supposed to go without one?_  
**_Bellamy Blake_ ** _: After much consideration, **Clarke** and I are going to pick one up this weekend._  
**_Clarke Griffin:_ ** _I’m only going if **Bellamy** lets me help pay for it._  
**_Nathan Miller:_ ** _Ha!_ _Good luck with that._  
**_Bellamy Blake_ ** _: Hey. You promised._  
**_Bellamy Blake_ ** _: And I’m thinking about it!_  
**_Clarke Griffin:_ ** _I did start it._  
**_Bellamy Blake_ ** _: And I finished it._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translation of O & Clarke's conversation:
> 
> Clarke: Your brother is so stupid.  
> Octavia: What is he talking about?  
> Clarke: He's talking about his History of American Women class.
> 
> Octavia: Someone needs to tell him to be quiet.  
> Clarke: I'll do it. How are things with that guy, Octavia?  
> Octavia: We have another date tonight. Bellamy still has no idea.
> 
> Octavia: Or hit him.  
> Clarke: I'll do it.


	21. Chapter 21

Everything in his life had been going so well. He was doing great in his classes, work wasn’t killing him, and he was getting along with everyone, including Clarke. Even the Memorial Day party had been going well until Bellamy walked into his bedroom to find his sister straddling his friend. On _his_ bed. He absent-mindedly thanked all the gods in the world, even as he started to yell, because what else could he do, that they still had clothes on.

Atom stood up so quickly when Bellamy opened the door that Octavia had fallen off the bed. He started to try to leave, but Bellamy stopped him with a glare. That had caused Octavia to fly into a rage, yell at Atom to stay where he was, and then run out of the room. Like Bellamy wasn’t going to follow her just because she was running into a crowded room. He was so angry that he didn’t give a single fuck.

“What the actual fuck are you thinking, O?!”

The entire party went silent instantly and the crowd around her split to form a half circle as she whipped around to stare at him. “It’s none of your fucking business, Bellamy.”

“You can’t be that irresponsible! You can’t sneak out of a party to hook up!”

At least she had the grace to blush. “We weren’t hooking up!”

“You were making out. In my fucking bed!”

Movement in the hall caught their attention and they turned as one and yelled, “I told you to stay there!”

Octavia turned and stalked toward Bellamy, jabbing him in the chest with a finger. “It’s none of your damn business what I do. I’m not your res—“

“‘Your sister, your responsibility.’ That’s been _drilled_ into my head since you were fucking born.”

“And it’s total bullshit!”

“No, it’s not! Someone needs to look out for you!” He was awkwardly aware of the fact that his voice was higher pitched than normal and that people were staring.

“That’s not what you’re fucking doing. You’re being a smothering asshole.”

“Yeah, because you’re clearly making great decisions.”

“Who are you, anyway, to judge me about responsible choices, huh? You drag women along until they get sick of waiting for you to want to settle down and then they give up.”

“My love life is not on trial here!”

“Maybe it fucking should be! How many women have you slept with? I’m not blind. I’m not an idiot. I see you at these parties. You fuck them and then you let them hope and hope and show up to more parties just to watch you fuck other girls. I mean, how can you even judge me for _making out_ with someone when you’re fucking your way through half of Arkadia State?! I mean, Miller’s joked enough about your revolving Tinder door or some shit. It’s not a fucking—”

His view of Octavia was obscured by a flash of blonde hair as Clarke jumped in between them and put a hand on each of their shoulders, forcing them to step back. “Octavia, that’s enough. Come on.”

Jasper showed up then and took Octavia by the elbow. She yanked it out of his grasp, and Monty slid into her line of sight. “Octavia. You don’t have to stoop to his level just because he’s being a jackass right now.” Bellamy winced, but it was enough to convince Octavia to leave and she stormed out of the apartment. Monty glanced back apologetically, but followed quickly behind Jasper. Bellamy took a step, because he wasn’t done, but Clarke was still there. She turned and placed her hands flat against his chest. He inhaled sharply at the contact and glared down at her. She didn’t even flinch.

“That was uncalled for,” she whispered.

He didn’t know if she was talking about O’s statements or his. He stared down at her face for a moment. Her blue eyes were wide and stern and he decided she probably meant both. He grabbed onto her wrists to push her hands away and she just cocked an eyebrow at him. The look pissed him off even more. He tried to remind himself that he appreciated what she was doing, but he just yanked his hands back and brushed past her. “Mind your own fucking business, Princess.” People parted in front of him as easily as they had in front of Octavia as she left, and he leaned onto the counter to grab an unopened bottle of vodka. He couldn’t control his sister, that had always been obvious, but he could control getting drunk enough to forget his shitty night. He got one drink before the bottle was pulled out of his hand.

“You don’t deserve this,” Clarke said as she swiped the lid off of the counter. “And we _are_ going to discuss this later.” Before he could respond, she was gone. 

* * *

Clarke’s grip tightened on the bottle. Monty was leaning against the wall outside of the door to her dorm hall and Jasper was sitting on a bench with his head in his hands.

“She’s really scary right now, Clarke,” Monty said quietly.  

“This is way worse than when you and Bellamy fight,” Jasper added in a mumble.

“Where is she?”

Monty pulled Clarke a little further away from Jasper and lowered his voice. “She went inside. She’s pissed. Nothing we said made any difference.”

Clarke sighed and scanned her keycard at the door. “Don’t worry about it, you guys. I got her.” She hoisted the bottle of alcohol in the air and gave them a weak smile before shoving it back in her purse. Monty gave her a hug. Jasper just nodded and she watched them go before she turned into the quiet hallway.

Octavia was seated cross-legged in the middle of their room on the rug. She barely looked up when Clarke closed the door and leaned against it. She was suddenly unsure of what to say. All her confidence was gone.

“I half thought I’d find you trying to climb out the window.”

“I’m not really up for scaling a building tonight.” Octavia let out a weak laugh. “Maybe tomorrow.”

“What happened back there?” Clarke asked after a moment, pushing herself away from the door.

“I don’t think I’m up to talking right now, either.”

“Well, that’s okay.” Clarke settled on the ground in front of her friend and pulled out the bottle of vodka. “I come baring gifts, at least.”

An hour later, they were mostly drunk. Clarke leaned against her desk and Octavia was sprawled out on the carpet, hugging the bottle to her chest. “You’re the best friend,” she slurred.

“I know.” Clarke grinned.

Octavia glanced over at her and her face fell a little. It took her a moment, but she managed to crawl over to lay with her head in Clarke’s lap after she decided to leave the bottle behind. Clarke just put a hand on her shoulder and waited. At first, she thought O had fallen asleep, but then she let out a heavy sigh. “Have I ever told you that Bell’s only my half-brother?”

“No, you haven’t.” Clarke was grateful Octavia wasn’t looking at her, because she could feel her eyebrows trying to climb up her forehead.

“Well, he is. And neither of us know our dads. His dad ditched after he was born. And our mom apparently had shitty taste in men, because mine ditched right after she found out she was pregnant. That’s where that ‘your sister, your responsibility’ bullshit comes from. Which is fucked up that my mom even did that, but that’s not what this is about. He’s got this stupid hero complex because he felt like he had to be my dad instead of my brother. I thought things were changing here.” She was silent for a moment and Clarke stroked her hair. When she started speaking again, it was obvious that she was trying not to cry. “He was actually supposed to go to college right out of high school. He had a full ride, too, he’s so fucking smart. But our mom got cancer right before he graduated. Really aggressive cancer. We thought she was going to die. He had to get a job to help pay the bills. And then he had to get a second one after graduation. And third one after another couple months. He was determined to prove he could take care of me if anything happened, putting whatever he didn’t spend on bills into savings.

God, he’s just such a fucking martyr. I had to force him into school. Because mom got better and he was still around trying to help cover her medical bills and said he was going to pay for my college. But I got him in here, and things seemed to get better. He was doing what he should have all along. And mom’s been better for four years now, you know? But he’s still got that overprotective shit going on. And I just want to live my life, Clarke. I’m so sick of feeling guilty all the time, and it’s all I can feel when I see him. I’m just so tired.”

Clarke stroked Octavia’s hair while she let everything out. She let her cry until she fell asleep. Once her breathing evened out, Clarke grabbed a couple pillows and blankets from their beds and curled up next to her. She wasn’t about to let Octavia sleep on the floor alone.

* * *

**Monty Green**  
_12:02am_  
_Did Bellamy hear me call him a jackass?_

**Clarke Griffin**  
_12:04am_  
_I don’t know. I think so._

**Monty Green**  
_12:04am_  
_Shit._

**Clarke Griffin**  
_12:06am_  
_Honestly, I’m not sure though. He was so upset. It was hard to tell if he did._

**Monty Green**  
_12:07am_  
_Should I apologize?_

**Clarke Griffin**  
_12:07am_  
_Do you think he was being a jackass?_

**Monty Green**  
_12:08am_  
_Yes. So was O, though._

**Clarke Griffin**  
_12:10am_  
_Listen, as much as it pains me to say it, they were both in the wrong._  
_Don’t ever tell O I said that._  
_12:11am_  
_If you feel like you need to apologize, then you should._  
_But I don’t think you’re sorry for calling him a jackass._  
_12:13am_  
_I think you’re sorry for calling him a jackass right after O basically  
called him a manwhore in front of a thousand of his closest friends. :p _

**Monty Green**  
_12:15am_  
_Haha, I guess you’re right. I wish you weren’t right all the time._

**Clarke Griffin**  
_12:16am_  
 _It’s a burden some of us have to bare. :)_  
_12:17am_  
_So what are you going to do?_

**Monty Green**  
_12:20am_  
_I guess I’ll wait and see what O does. When it comes down to it, I’m with you two. So is Jasper. You know, in case you guys need anything._

**Clarke Griffin**  
_12:22am_  
_Why is everyone making it sound like this is the end of the world?_  
_DON’T WORRY._  
_Everything is going to be fine._


	22. Chapter 22

Her mother’s house was suffocating. That’s the only word Clarke could think of. Sure, she had a car so she could go out. And she had a summer internship at the clinic, so she wasn’t stuck there _all_ the time. But after living on her own for nearly nine months, having Abby around all the time was overwhelming to say the least.

She missed her friends. Monty and Jasper were back in Iowa for the summer with their families. Harper had a job and their schedules didn’t mesh often. Things had been strained since Bellamy’s fight with Octavia anyway, which also meant that Miller was off of her list of options of people to hang out with. Wells was in Washington D.C. for two months interning with some fancy political person, so at least she didn’t have to work on a way to avoid him. The only thing she looked forward to was the fact that she and Octavia finally had a day off at the same time and she was going to hang out at her house in a few days. They talked every day, but it was a little surprising to see Octavia calling at 11:30 on a Saturday night, when Clarke _knew_ that O was teaching a dance class at 8:00 the next morning.

“Hey, O, what’s up?”

_“Oh my god, Clarke, are you awake?”_

“Yeah.” Clarke laughed. “That’s why I answered. Are you okay?”

_“Yeah. No. I don’t know. I’m pissed and I didn’t know who else to call. And I tried to not call, because I know you have early mornings in the clinic, but I just—”_

“Hey, you know you can call me any time. Just tell me what’s wrong.”

_“Atom’s gone.”_

“What do you mean he’s gone? Did he finally answer the fucking phone?”

_“I mean he’s gone. His roommate told me he fucking moved back home, wherever that was. And he blocked me on Facebook and he won’t answer the phone and I don’t know what’s going on.”_

Clarke didn’t know what to say. Atom had been ignoring Octavia since ‘the incident’ and Clarke felt a little guilty that she didn’t know O was still trying to get ahold of him.  

_“This is Bellamy’s fault.”_

“I don’t know, O…”

_“No. I’m serious. That’s what Connor said. And I called that fucker and he swears up and down he didn’t do anything except tell Atom to stay away from me. Which of course just set off a whole ‘nother fight and freaked out my mom. Fucking hell.”_

“Do you want me to yell at him, too?” Octavia actually laughed then. “I will. I’ll rip him to shreds.”

_“Well, it might have more of an effect. You two definitely know how to cut each other to the core.”_

“Hey. Don’t make me remind you of the fact that you called him a manwhore in front of all of his friends. And his date.”

_“Ouch. Okay. But he deserved it.”_

“That he did.”

_“We’re still on for Monday, right?”_

“Yes.”

 _“Good. So what I think I_ actually _need from you is for you to bring ice cream and cookies and your makeup and we’ll watch trashy movies and do makeovers and our nails and binge on junk food.”_

“Yes. A thousand times yes.”

* * *

In spite of the fact that they ended the conversation laughing, Clarke was angry and she was tired, so before she really knew what she was doing, she called Bellamy. It registered on the second ring and she was about to hang up when he answered.

_“Princess! To what do I owe this honor, my honorable princess-ness?!”_

His words were slurred and Clarke’s anger was quickly replaced by shock. “Are you drunk?”

_“You don’t control all the alcohol in the world. I mean, you can steal the bottles, but some people sell it. And I can buy it. Capitalism works with alcohol stores.”_

There was a shuffle and the phone dropped.

_“Get the fuck away from me, Bellamy._

_Give me my fucking phone back!_

_No, stop it, and then you’ll get it back!_

_God damn it, Miller! Give it back!_

_Who is this?”_

“Oh, are you talking to me?”

_“Clarke?!”_

“Miller.”

 _“Whatever. This works. Hold on a second._  

_Where are you going?!_

_Give me a second, dude. Clarke wants to ask me something._

_Oh, okay. Just come back and give me back the phone, okay?_

_Can you come pick him up? And take him back to the apartment?”_

“Ummm….”

_“Listen, he’s had too much to drink, and he’s about to start insisting that he’s fine to drive._

_I_ am _fine to drive._

_See? I don’t want to have to knock him out to get his keys.”_

“Where’s Harper?”

_“She left today to visit her folks for a couple weeks. Clarke, I wouldn’t ask, but I’m not off for another three hours. You know how he is about cabs.”_

Clarke fell back down onto her bed and closed her eyes. She didn’t think Octavia would be mad at her for helping Bellamy. She would just be angrier at her brother if he found a way to drive home drunk or let some stranger drive him home again. But the main thing that won her over was the fact that Miller wouldn’t be asking if it weren’t important.

“Fine. Fine fine fine. Give me twenty minutes.” She realized how hungover he was going to be the next morning and changed her answer. “Thirty minutes max.”

* * *

Clarke had never been to the bar Miller worked at. There was a small setback at the door when she tried to explain to the bouncer that she was just there to pick someone up. In the end, she convinced the man to go get Miller, who in turn convinced him to let her in. The dim light made the room hazy, and it was too loud, but she could still hear Bellamy. His voice carried through the crowd, and she didn’t even have to follow Miller.

Bellamy almost fell off of his stool when he saw her. “Princess! Hi!” He steadied himself on the bar before hopping over to her and giving her an unsteady, yet tight hug. It took Clarke a moment to bring her arms up to reciprocate the hug and she patted his back. Miller grinned behind the bar and rolled his eyes.

“Bellamy, you’re squeezing a little tight.”

“Oops, sorry.” He released her, but kept an arm around her shoulders as he guided her to the bar. “Nate! Nate. Nate. Nate.” Bellamy rested his free elbow against the counter and pointed at nothing in particular. “Did you know… that Clarke is my friend? Was my friend? Because _I_ didn’t know. She had to _tell_ me once.”

“You mentioned that earlier,” Miller said. He just shrugged when Clarke cocked an eyebrow at him. “Don’t you remember, Bellamy? I told you that she needs to borrow that book from me. You said you were going to go home with her to get it.”

“I remember! I do. I do.” His free hand pointed at her and he poked her on the nose, laughing when she squeaked. “She just wants to get in my bed.” Clarke elbowed him and he laughed. “I’m joking, Princess. You’d just say no if I asked, anyway.”

Clarke mouthed ‘what?’ at Miller, and he just shrugged again, but his shoulders were shaking with silent laughter. “Thanks for taking him,” Miller said. “It really is good to see you again, _Princess_.”

Clarke felt a twist in her heart, and she mumbled, “You too, Nate.” It was unfortunate that this was how it happened, but she hadn’t realized how much she had missed Miller until that moment.

She had a hard time turning Bellamy around, even after she looped her arm around his waist. He might have been able to walk mostly unassisted, but she wasn’t sure with the way he was leaning on her. She had to lean over him to buckle his seatbelt. He ran his fingers down her bare arm, giving her goosebumps. “Why did you come to get me?”

The whisper startled her and she met his eyes reluctantly. She couldn’t hold his gaze for long. He looked too sad. She cleared her throat and closed the door, taking the time to the driver’s side to think about how to respond. “We’re friends, right?” Clarke asked as she started the car.

“Maybe.” Bellamy was quiet, but only for a few moments, because then the alcohol kicked in again and he reached out to touch her hair. “Your hair is pretty. You’re pretty. Do you know that? And I always liked it in the winter when you painted. You know, when you’d show up and you always missed a spot of paint somewhere? It was funny. And it was cute.”

Clarke wanted to laugh, because he was rambling, but the things we was saying were so specifically about her instead of anything he usually went on about when he had been drinking. He didn’t let up as they pulled into a parking spot. He kept talking as they walked up the stairs and she had to fumble through his pockets for the keys because he couldn’t remember which pocket they were in. He tripped over his own feet when he started trying to take off his shoes. She had to pull him off the floor, which almost ended with them both on the floor a few times before she was successful. She helped him into a sitting position on his bed and knelt down to take off his shoes, then gently pushed him to lay down.

The whole thing could have been comical, except he kept frowning. She was slowly forgetting why she was so angry with him. She was the most surprised when she tried to cover him with his blanket. He grabbed her wrist and pulled her into another tight hug.

“I miss my sister,” he whispered, his fingers pressed tightly into her spine. She sighed and wrapped her arms around him the best she could. For a moment, she was worried he might cry and wasn’t sure what either of them would do if he did and remembered it in the morning. But then he sighed and loosened his grip without letting go.  

It made her nervous. She wasn’t sure why. “I’m going to go get you some water, okay, Bellamy?”

“Don’t go, Clarke.”

“I’m not leaving.” She extricated herself from his grasp and rubbed his shoulder awkwardly. “I’m just getting you some water.”

While she was in the kitchen, she got him a glass of water and then made a quick stop by the bathroom for aspirin. He looked so relieved when she got back in the room that she couldn’t help but smile. He even took the aspirin without much complaint and drank the entire glass of water. Aside from him suddenly deciding he _really_ had to pee and her having to go through the process of getting him back into his bed, it was a smoother process than she could have imagined.

When he asked her to stay again, she relented and sat back against the headboard. He patted her on the knee and then turned onto his other side to curl up. She leaned back to wait for him to fall asleep and startled awake when a door closed. Her heart pounded as she checked her watch. Somehow, she had slept two hours leaning against that headboard. Bellamy had scooted closer until his back was pressed against her leg. Miller called her name softly from the hall and she jumped up as quietly as she could, smoothing her hair as she snuck out of the room.

“You sure stayed a while,” he whispered.

“There was a little trouble getting him into bed.”

“Whatever you say, Clarke.”

“Shut up, Miller.”

* * *

Bellamy woke up to his head pounding the next morning. He rolled over to find his phone plugged in next to a glass of water and some aspirin on his end table with a note. _Take these before you get up, asshole._ If the handwriting hadn’t been so feminine, he would have suspected Miller. He was hungover enough that the instructions sounded like a fantastic idea, even though as he chugged the water, his stomach protested a bit.

As much as he wanted to wallow in his hangover, he knew he had to get up. He forced himself out of bed, changed into more comfortable clothing, and brushed his teeth before he found his roommate on the couch.

“Don’t sit yet. Clarke left some 7-up in the fridge and some crackers in the cereal cupboard for you.”

The feeling of running his fingers through blonde hair flashed in his mind and he tensed up. “Clarke was here?”

“Oh god,” Miller laughed. “You don’t remember _anything_?”

Bellamy grabbed the items from the kitchen before joining Miller on the couch. “What happened?”

“Do you want to hear about how you nearly knocked her over with a _very_ enthusiastic hug at the bar or do you want to hear about how she was still here when I got home from work?”

* * *

An hour later, he finally got up the nerve to dial her number. The only real reason he was nervous about calling her was because while Miller knew how the night started and how it ended, he had no idea what kinds of things he had said to her in between. Obviously, it hadn’t been anything too horrible if she had stayed so long. But he didn’t know _why_ she had stayed so long.

_“I guess I should have known to expect a call from you.”_

“Not even a hello. Just straight to the good stuff, huh Princess?”

_”Wow. You sound like shit. How are you feeling?”_

“From what Miller tells me, better than I deserve.” He hesitated. “He also told me that I owe you a lot of apologies and a lot of gratitude.”

_“I don’t know. I called you last night because I was pretty pissed off at you, and then you needed a ride home and I was even more pissed off at you –“_

“And you still came to get me.” She laughed and he hesitated again.

_“You didn’t let me finish, ass. I was pretty pissed off until you told me how pretty you think I am.”_

“What?!” He barely choked out the word and she laughed even harder.

_“I think I finally understand why so many women sleep with you. You’re so charming when  you’ve got some liquor in you.”_

“Oh my god. I wish you had left me to die.” She laughed again and he wished she would stop. “Don’t come and get me next time.”

_“Why? You don’t want to end up confessing your undying love for me?”_

“Goodbye, Clarke.”

_“Wait!”_

“No. I’m done. I’m going back to sleep.”

_“Bellamy….”_

“What?” His thumb hovered over the ‘end call’ button, but she sounded so serious he waited.

_“I know you’re not in a good place right now. And O’s my best friend, so I’m kind of obligated to take her side.”_

“Gee, thanks, Princess. Have a nice life.”

_“No, that’s not what I’m saying!”_

“Then what are you saying? My gratitude for your help can only extend so far.”

_“God, you’re an ass. Listen. If you need to talk, I guess you can call me. You were really out of it last night, and it was kind of scary.”_

“I was drunk. It’s not that big of a deal.”

_“Okay, you know what? Never mind. Just… just remember what I said.”_

“Thanks.”

_“Bye, Bellamy. And you’re welcome.”_

He hung up without saying anything else and let himself fall face first on the bed.


	23. Chapter 23

“You owe me big time,” Clarke said as she climbed out of her car.

Octavia threw her arms open wide and grinned sheepishly. Clarke rolled her eyes and crossed the lawn to hug her.

“Is he here yet?” Clarke asked, searching as though she’d see Bellamy pop up from behind a bush or poke his head up in one of the windows. He hadn’t spoke to her for a month after she had driven him home. Then, out of the blue, he had texted her to tell her that he saw her in a movie along with a picture of a velociraptor from Jurassic World. Any time she’d try to talk about anything with substance, he’d ignore her again for a couple of days until he got tired of her bombarding him with pictures of dinosaurs. (She didn’t understand why the dinosaur texts kept working, really.)

“Yeah, he’s helping mom in the kitchen.” Octavia’s mouth twisted in distaste. “She’s excited you came for dinner. Even if it did ruin her plans for an epic Blake sibling reunion.” She linked her arm with Clarke’s and pulled her towards the house.

“So, you’re still mad at him?”

“He’s still a dick. So yeah.”

“Oh, come on. He’s always been a dick and you weren’t mad at him before.”

Octavia glared at her and led her inside. They stopped by the kitchen and Clarke had to grin at the enthusiasm she was greeted with.

“Clarke, it’s so good to see you!” Aurora put something in the oven and ran over to sweep her up in a tight hug.

“Hey, it’s Princess!” Bellamy was smiling, too, close behind his mother. He gave her a quick one-armed hug, keeping his whisk-wielding hand away from her. “I’m glad you could come.”

“We’re going up to my room.” Clarke winced under the pressure of Octavia’s fingers pressing into her arm and pulling her away from Bellamy. “Call us when dinner’s ready.” As soon as they were on the stairs, Octavia let go. “What was that about?”

“What was what about?”

“You hugged him! You’re supposed to be mad at him, too!”

Clarke just raised her eyebrows at O. It took a few minutes, but she finally had the grace to look abashed. Well, she at least looked a _little_ sorry, so Clarke broke the silence. “You know how I feel about this.”

“I know.” Octavia fell onto her bed and sighed, tossing a small pillow up into the air. “I was hoping you’d at least pretend for my sake, I guess.”

* * *

The dining table was big enough to fit four. Clarke sat across from Aurora, in between the siblings who were so pointedly not speaking it made the whole thing a little awkward. She had only met their mother a couple other times. At first, she had seemed timid next to her children. It wasn’t that she _was_ timid, but Bellamy and Octavia both had the tendency to be brash where their mother tended toward being careful with her words. And since the two who normally dominated a conversation were silent unless prompted, it was left to Aurora and Clarke to fill the quiet.

“So, Clarke, Octavia tells me that you two are going to be roommates again this year?”

“Yeah,” Clarke said, covering her mouth to finish chewing her bite of food. “We already submitted the roommate request form and it was approved.”

“Good.” Aurora smiled softly. “And Bellamy. You’re still living with Nathan and Harper?”

“Mom, I talk to you pretty much every other day.” He stared down at his plate, pushing his food around with his fork. “You already know.”

“How are they doing?” Clarke asked.

He glanced up at her cautiously and then shrugged. “Fine? Harper says hey, I guess. To both of you.”

“Miller didn’t?”

“You know Miller. He grunted from the couch.” Bellamy paused for a second as though considering something and then pointed his fork at her. “You know, now that you mention it, he wants that book that you borrowed from him earlier this summer back. I should have texted you and told you to bring it.”

Clarke choked on her sip of water and a triumphant look spread across Bellamy’s face. Aurora raised an eyebrow at Octavia, who shrugged. “Clarke, did you decide whether or not you want to stick with pre-med?”

This time, Clarke choked on her new sip of water, because Bellamy and Octavia shot her matching apologetic glances. It would have been funny if she could have pointed it out to either of them. They had talked about it when they first met and their mother thought it was silly that Clarke was putting herself through ‘so much trouble, because surely her mother would love her regardless of her choice in major, and Bellamy and Octavia told her _so_ many good things about her drawings and paintings and she was so talented.’ Still, over the course of her internship at the clinic that summer, she had come to the reluctant conclusion that pre-med might actually be the right course for her.

“You know,” she said slowly, “I don’t know if I could ever admit it to my mother, but I might be a little more into the pre-med idea more than I thought I would be. But I still love drawing and painting, too. That will never go away. I might just have to stick with both and figure it out later.”

The rest of the dinner conversation continued in the same vein. Aurora talked about how proud she was of her little historian and her little dancer, and both blushed gracefully at her compliments, although there was a tension in Bellamy’s shoulders that she hadn’t noticed before.  

After they were finished eating, Aurora instructed Bellamy to clean up and dragged Octavia away for a trip to the store to get the ice cream they forgot earlier. Clarke didn’t hesitate before she started to help him clear the table. They stayed in silence as they started rinsing the dishes to set them in the dishwasher until Clarke couldn’t handle it anymore.

“And here I worried you’d be all weird around me.”

Bellamy laughed. “I wasn’t sure how weird you’d feel after our last conversation.”

“You mean the one where I offered to be there for you if you needed to talk and then you ignored me for a month? Because I don’t think you can count any of the ones about the Jurassic era.”

“That’s the one.” He frowned and Clarke glared at him, but he didn’t see. “Hey, since you mention it, can I ask you for a favor?”

“Maybe.”

He set a hand on her wrist to stop her from grabbing another dish. “Can you help me make things right with O?”

The openness in his face caught Clarke off guard and she didn't know what to say. "I don't know, Bellamy—“  

“Clarke, please. She looks up to you. She listens to you. And I’m just so tired of fighting.”

“Well, did you try apologizing?”

He rolled his eyes and pushed a plate into her arms. “I want to, but she won’t talk to me at all right now, and I don’t know what to do anymore.”

Clarke set the plate in the dishwasher and took another from him, watching him out of the corner of her eye. He seemed to sink in on himself the longer she waited to speak, but she wasn’t really sure what to say.

“Listen, it was stupid of me to ask,” he said as he handed her the last dish. “I don’t want you to be in the middle.” He started to walk out of the kitchen.

“Bellamy, wait.” He stopped in the doorway, a hand on the frame, but didn’t turn. She sighed heavily. “I want to help. I just don’t know how.”

The tendons in his hand flexed as his grip tightened and loosened on the frame. “I get it, Clarke.”

“No, I don’t think you do.” She closed the distance and laid a hand on his elbow. She wasn’t sure if it was the right thing to do, but he dropped his hand to his side and didn’t leave. “I’m already in the middle. O will get over it, okay? And I’ll try to help her along. I’ve been… I’ve been trying. But I don’t know how long it will take.” She hesitated for a moment. “Just be ready when she is.”

Tires crunched over gravel and they separated. He nodded before he led the way into the living room and gave her a small smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes.


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm a little late getting this out today. I'm visiting relatives and helping taking care of my grandma, so things have been a little hectic trying to catch up with family and run errands. If I forget to put out a chapter over the next 5 days, please forgive me!

**_Harper McIntyre_**   _invited you to her event **Welcome Back to School Bash!**_

 ** _Sept 25_**  
**_Welcome Back to School Bash!_**  
**Guests** and **Friends**  
Hosted by **Harper McIntyre** , **Nathan Miller** , and **Bellamy Blake**  
**_Friday, September 25 at 8:00pm_**  
Tonight – 46ºF / 38ºF Chance of Rain

 **_Our Place_ **  
_Invited by **Harper McIntyre**_  
**_Harper_ ** _and **4 others** are going_

 **_26       2       34_ **  
_Going maybe invited_

 _Hey everyone! School’s back in session next week and we’re all back in town!!! Let’s get together and talk about our summers and play lots of drinking games! Remember to bring a bottle of alcohol for a drinking game. You all know the drill by now. If you don’t, ask a friend._ _Hope to see you all there!! – Harper_

* * *

Their new dorm room was bigger than the old one. Clarke had decided to forgo the third desk in favor of more floor space for Octavia, who was starting choreography classes this year. She spent more time drawing while lying on the floor the previous year, anyway. Which is where Octavia was lying in protest as Clarke piled all the freshly unpacked clothing from her closet onto her roommate.

“Is this déjà vu? Payback for last year when I forced you guys to become friends? Which is still gross, by the way. Come on, Clarke. I don’t want to go to his place.”

“But all of our friends are going to be there and we miss them.”

“We have each other. That’s all I need.”

Clarke snorted. “I love you, but if we don’t have an occasional buffer, I’m pretty sure we’ll kill each other.” Octavia threw a shirt back at her and Clarke turned around to glare. “You and Bellamy don’t have to talk to each other. Maybe you can just pretend to like each other for my sake or like you might be able to coexist or something so we can have some kind of social life outside of these dorms.”

“I have friends on the dance team.”

“Yeah, most of whom will be at this party tonight.”

Octavia threw herself back onto the ground and covered her face with a dress. “Fine. I hate you. I get to pick your outfit.”

“You love me. And why?”

“Because maybe if you get laid, you’ll stop focusing so much on fixing me and Bellamy.”

* * *

While it had been easier to get O to agree to go to the party than Clarke had anticipated, she regretted letting her pick her outfit. The shirt was way too low cut, the pants were way too tight, and Jasper and Monty were acting weird and avoided looking at her too hard after they realized how much of her boobs they could see. It would have been funny if it weren’t so embarrassing.  

She did end up taking more pleasure than she should have in Miller and Bellamy and the synchronized choking on their drinks when she appeared in front of them. Bellamy’s eyes went wide and Miller immediately pretended he saw someone and left while staring straight up at the ceiling. He bumped into two people trying to get away.

“O’s here,” Clarke said, choking back laughter.

“So are you, Princess.” Bellamy gestured at her breasts, which he hadn’t stopped staring at.

Clarke just smacked him hard on the arm. “Seriously, stop it! Your sister picked this shirt out.”

He cleared his throat and forced himself to meet her eyes with a stupid grin on his face. “In my mind, this is your shirt. This is replacing the see-through tank top in my head as the shirt you wear all the time when you’re not around me. I don’t want to know about my sister owning shirts like that.”

“Well, are you going to go talk to her?” She could feel her cheeks heating up and hoped he would accept the subject change.

“I don’t know. I think I’d rather stay here and protect your uh… royal assets?” He wiggled his eyebrows at her.

Clarke had to bite her lip to stop from laughing at his horrible joke and covered it by stealing his drink and chugging it. “Go talk to her. And get me a sweatshirt or something. If this is how everyone is going to react, I don’t want the attention.”

“No. To both. I forgot how much you had to offer the world and I’m not going to deny the people what they want! Also, O needs a chance to loosen up a bit.”

“Seriously, Blake, don’t wuss out now.” He glared at her and she just glared back. “You wanted me to get her here and I got her here. Don’t waste it.”

“Thanks for the vote of confidence, _Princess_. No one asked for your opinion. Or help.” He snaked the empty cup out of her hands and turned to leave.

“You did, actually!”

Clarke glared at his retreating form, a little hurt. She didn’t understand why he suddenly flipped from joking about how much of herself she was showing to being pissed at her. It had been a few months since they had _actually_ hung out, but she also didn’t remember the last time he called her princess so snottily, either.

“Don’t like being called princess, do you, princess?”

She whipped around and shoved her finger into the chest of the strange young man who had practically whispered in her ear. “Not when it’s condescending. People have to _earn_ the right to use the nickname. He barely has it, and he’s the asshole who started it.”

“Whoa, sorry. I didn’t mean to touch a nerve.” He held his hands up in mock defense and grinned at her warmly. “If I can’t call you princess, what can I call you?”

Clarke studied him, and he let her. He was cute enough. A little arrogant, but not in the same way as Bellamy. With Bellamy, the arrogance seemed to be a cover he could hide behind to avoid getting too close to anyone. This guy… maybe arrogant was the wrong word. Self-assured might have been more accurate. And he was brave enough that he didn’t wither under her scrutiny, which was another point in his favor. “I guess you can call me Clarke,” she finally relented.

“Clarke. Good name.”

She let him pull her into obligatory small talk. His name was Finn Collins. He was a junior, had declared a major in Environmental Science and Resource Management with a focus on sustainable forest management, and shared her love of hiking. He didn’t know Bellamy or Miller, but he had been in a class with Harper. When she mentioned that she and Octavia were trying to plan a few more hikes that year, he perked up and they talked about their favorite trails. They had been talking for about twenty minutes when Jasper and Monty burst through the crowd, looking panicked.

“Clarke!” Jasper wheezed, putting his hands on his knees to try to catch his breath.

“You need to come quick,” Monty said.

“They’re going to—“

Jasper didn’t get to finish his sentence, because that was when it escalated and she could already hear it.

“I’m _trying_ to apologize, Octavia! Can’t you just listen to me for once?!”

“I don’t want your fucking apologies, Bellamy! I want to live my life without you hovering over me every second of every day!”

“I left you alone all summer! What more can you ask of me?”

Clarke turned to Finn, who was regarding the scene with mild amusement. “Hey, so, I have to go stop this before it gets out of hand. I’ll see you around?”

He smiled at her and made a sharpie materialize seemingly out of thin air. “Do you have time to give me your number?”

“I don’t know.” Octavia’s voice was getting higher. “Maybe don’t chase my next fucking boyfriend out of the fucking state?!”

Clarke grimaced and grabbed the sharpie before she knew what she was doing. She wrote her number down on his arm and smiled before spinning and pushing her way through the crowd with Monty and Jasper in tow. The argument was easier to break up. Bellamy spun around and stormed off almost as soon as she made her way to the front of the crowd and O actually let Jasper and Monty lead her out of the apartment again.  

Clarke found Bellamy in the kitchen looking through the fridge. “So that didn’t go well," she said to announce herself.

“Yeah, I don’t know what I was thinking,” Bellamy said, running his hand through his hair. Then he realized he was talking to _Clarke_ and his glare turned to ice. “Next time, maybe you can referee instead of throwing yourself at some random guy.”

“Excuse me?” She was outraged, but kept her voice quiet. “Do you maybe want to change your tactic here? There is one person in my dorm room who can stand you right now, and it _isn’t_ the person you want it to be, so maybe you should pull the stick out of your ass and hit yourself over the head with it.”

It didn’t make sense. She knew it didn’t make sense. But she was pissed and she didn’t want to cause a scene. His expression changed from anger to confusion and she took advantage of the silence and left.

* * *

 ** _Clarke Griffin_** _and **Finn Collins** are now friends_


	25. Chapter 25

**Princess**  
1:00pm  
_Caffeine today._  
_LOTS of caffeine._  
_I mean, so much caffeine that it’d kill a horse._

 **Bellamy**  
1:08pm  
_Rough day, Princess?_

 **Princess**  
1:10pm  
_Functions make me not function. And I still have to make it through chemistry this afternoon._

 **Bellamy**  
1:16pm  
_I have exactly what you need._  
_Wait._  
1:17pm  
_I read that and it sounded wrong._  
_Sorry._

 **Princess**  
1:19pm  
_You just ruined the winky face I was going to send you…_  
_Rude._  
_I’ll see you in a few._

* * *

The whole thing was a little strange to him. Clarke had been visiting Grounders regularly since the dinner at his mom’s house. “I need to check on you once in a while,” she had told him with a smile when he asked her about it. She mostly used it as a quiet place to read or draw or study for an hour or two. Sometimes they would chat a little, if he could wait to take his break. But, she always made him choose her drink. When she was on her way, she’d text him ‘caffeine or no caffeine’ and he’d try to guess what she wanted based off of what kind of day she was having. He was usually right.

The café was a little busy with the leftovers from the lunch rush, so he put the ‘reserved’ sign he made for her on the only open table so she’d have a spot and went back behind the counter to make her a triple-shot caramel latte. Usually, he wouldn’t recommend three shots of espresso for someone as small as her, but she had a freakish tolerance for caffeine. Whipped cream was only okay on her bad days (otherwise she accused him of trying to make her fat). It seemed like a day she might need it. She walked in as he was topping it with chocolate shavings and he set the cup on the counter. She grinned and threw some cash down on the counter. He tried to glare at her, because they’d discussed this multiple times, but she turned around before he could say anything. Instead of sauntering over to the table, she stopped dead in her tracks and just stared.

A customer walked in, so he could only watch her stare while he made another drink. After a minute, she threw her shoulders back and marched over to her table. As she approached, the guy at the next table glanced up and did a double take, but she pointedly ignored him and sat with her back to him before she pulled a book out of her bag.

Once his coworker came back from their break, he had and excuse to leave the counter and clear tables. The whole time, he watched the guy glance back at Clarke and Clarke just stare at her book, occasionally sipping her drink. Her grip on the book was so tight that her knuckles were white. Bellamy wouldn’t have been sure she was even reading, except she made an occasional note in the margin. Something was bugging Bellamy about the guy. He looked… familiar. Bellamy was still a few tables away when the guy got up and moved to the chair across from her.

At first, she kept up her ruse, but the guy was persistent. He pulled her headphones out of her ears and she glared up at him. “Why _fuck_ are you here, Wells?”

The guy, Wells, fidgeted with his fingernails a little. “I thought your mom would have told you I was transferring. I’ve been trying to avoid you. I knew you—“  

“She learned pretty quickly that I don’t want to talk about you. Or to you. _Ever_.”

“Look, Clarke, I didn’t _want_ to transfer here. But dad’s up for re-election and the chance to help on his campaign was just too good to pass up. I need something like this for my law school applications.”

“Go figure.” She scoffed. “Always thinking about yourself.”

He looked down at the table and took a deep breath. “Clarke, I actually wanted to talk to you, anyway. I –”

“So, you stalked me until you figured out where my friend works? You just decided to wait here for me to show up?”

Bellamy tried to look nonchalant when Wells glanced over at him. “What? No! I didn’t realize—“

“You don’t realize a lot of things.”

“Clarke, it’s been—“

“I know how long it’s been!”

“I’m so sorry for everything. I’m so sorry about your father.

“Don’t you talk about my father.”

“Please. You know I’m going to regret what happened for the rest of my life.”

“You should.”

“I just… I can’t handle it if you hate me.”

“It’s not like he just got hurt, Wells. He’s dead. I _do_ hate you!”

She half-shouted the last line. It might have been meant to be a full shout, but her voice cracked. Bellamy decided it was time to stop hanging back. When he set his hand on the table, Wells looked up at him. Clarke didn’t.

“You should go, Wells,” she whispered.

His shoulders slumped, but he got up, grabbed his things, and left. Bellamy sat in the now-vacant chair. He stared at her and she chewed on her bottom lip, staring at the table. “Well. Who’s the dick?”

“He’s inconsequential.”

“That’s funny, because I finally realized where I recognized him from.”

“What are you talking about?”

“That picture O tried to put up on your desk last year. Rich ex from high school? Prom date?”

“Junior prom. I didn’t go to my senior prom.” Her head snapped up after another moment and her eyes were fire. “Wait, what?! We _never_ dated.”

“Sure, because people are _that_ broken up over someone they never dated.”

She reached across the table and smacked his arm. He grinned, trying to get her to smile back. The half-smile that finally grew on her face was as much as he expected. “I grew up with him. We were best friends pretty much since birth. Our parents were best friends.” She hesitated. “Stuff happened. He’s supposed to be across the country.”

Bellamy watched her stumble over the explanation, and it dug at him. He… well, he hated seeing her in pain. It _hurt_ him. “Hey.” He reached across the table and put his hand on her forearm. “You don’t have to go into detail.”

“God, Bellamy, do you have to be so sappy?” She laughed quietly.

He stood up and shrugged, smirking at her. “Only with you, Princess.”

It was almost time for a shift change, so he left her to her books, only watching her occasionally. It would be easier to pretend he hadn’t heard anything about her dad. He wouldn’t know how to bring it up, even if he wanted to; even if he didn’t understand how a teenager could have anything to do with her father’s death. If she wanted to talk about it, she’d bring it up one day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys, really, I love Wells so much. When I first started writing this, Wells was dead, but something was missing from later parts of the story and I realized that this is my effing fic... Wells can be alive if I want him to be! I had to rewrite a bunch of the stuff ahead (this was a while ago), but Wells makes everything better! There's a part in a few chapters that still feels a little weak to me. I'm trying to fix it up before posting, but we'll see how it goes!


	26. Chapter 26

There had been a moment where Clarke had thought about taking Finn up on his offer to stay in bed all day, but she had already put off her homework for an entire day. She had a drawing to finish up for her figure drawing class and then she and Octavia were supposed to meet up with Monty and Jasper to go over some of the precalculus problems they had been encountering. It had really been too much for her to hope that Octavia would be at dance practice when O had been so excited about Clarke’s date in the first place. She had woken up to multiple inappropriate congratulatory Snapchats, so of course Octavia was waiting by the door with confetti she made by tearing up a few pages of notebook paper and coloring them with highlighters.

“Do you need total silence while you draw or can I ask you if the sex was awesome?”

“Actually, if you want to practice your dance, I can talk while I use you for the drawing.”

Octavia always loved it when Clarke drew her. There were a couple more pictures posted up around the room that Clarke had drawn of her friends. The idea that Clarke add a sketch of Bellamy had been vetoed immediately. She wasn’t sure she could draw him accurately without using him for a model, anyway, and that wasn’t a conversation she was prepared to have.

Lines formed easily on the paper as she watched Octavia move through a few of her basic technique exercises. She got caught up in the moment until Octavia practically shouted, “You’re supposed to be oversharing about your sex life right now!”

“Jeez, sorry. You Blakes are so touchy.” She mumbled the last part, but the glare on Octavia’s face meant that she’d heard it, so Clarke rushed to give her the info she wanted. “The sex was… well, it was good. I mean, it was fun. It was sweet.”

“And you’re going to see him again? You want to have sex with him again, right?”

“Yeah, I’m pretty sure.” Clarke laughed. “And obviously, I do, or I wouldn’t have stayed over at his place!”

“Does he want to be your boooooyfriend?”

Clarke laughed. “I don’t really want to be a giiiiiiiirlfriend right now. I’ve got too much on my plate with school. If we can keep this simple and slow, it’ll save me a lot of grief.”

Octavia went through a series of moderately graceful turns, at least as graceful as they could be in their dorm, grinning when she spun out of the last one and throwing her hands in the air. “It’ll definitely save me a lot of grief if you keep getting it on the regular. You’re downright joyful compared to last weekend.” She dodged the pencil Clarke threw and sat down on the floor. “I don’t mean to take away the joy, but have you talked to him?”

Clarke sighed. “No. It’s a big campus. He’s easy to avoid.” She met O’s eyes reluctantly. “And don’t give me that look. You don’t have to talk to Bellamy. I don’t have to talk to Wells. Like I said, I’ve got enough on my plate. I have room to think about sex or room to think about Wells, but not both.”

“Well then, sex it is.”

* * *

Bellamy tried to ignore the way everyone was laughing at another one of Collins’ jokes. Really, he was just concerned about Clarke. He would feel exactly the same was if that was O over there with that idiot’s arm slung across her chair.

He hadn’t realized how long he had been cleaning the same spot on the counter, _not_ watching Clarke, until the bell rang and Wells walked in. Clarke’s whole body tensed up for a moment before Finn apparently made another hilarious joke and she relaxed. Almost. Wells paused in the door. His tension was different than hers, though. It was sad. Not angry.

The guy had come in the same time almost every day, whether or not Bellamy was there. One of his coworkers, Kennedy, had been freaking out about the Senator’s son going to their college. Bellamy hadn’t realized that Clarke’s family was best friends with the Jahas. It didn’t make a difference anymore, but he was glad he hadn’t known until he had a chance to get to know her.

When Wells came in during one of Bellamy’s shifts, they never talked about Clarke. He never actually engaged the guy beyond semi-polite customer service. It wasn’t that he _hated_ him. He actually seemed kind of… nice, although he’d never admit the thought had crossed his mind. His main problem was that he didn’t understand the world that Clarke and Wells had come from. And he didn’t want to try to understand the motivation to transfer to a school where someone hated you just to help out with your dad’s political campaign.

Wells placed his order, to-go, thankfully, and waited patiently by the counter. He pretended to not watch Clarke. Bellamy scoffed. The guy had it bad. “As long as he’s around, you’re invisible.”

“Excuse me?”

“You love her.”

Wells tilted his head. “Well, yeah. I mean—“ His eyes widened. “No.”

“You _don’t_ love her?”

“Not like that.”

“Right.” Bellamy smirked as he set the coffee on the counter and slid him a sleeve for the drink.

Wells hesitated and then stepped closer to the counter, not quite closing his hand around the cup. “She’s dating _him_?”

Bellamy shrugged. “Dating might be a strong word…. She likes him, though. He’s the only person she's dated that she’s brought out to meet our friends.”

Wells hesitated again before a look of resolve settled on his face. “I’m just surprised.”

“What?” Bellamy laughed. “Collins isn’t her usual type?”

Wells scoffed. “No, _you_ aren’t her usual type. But the way you kept glaring every time I came in, I thought _you_ were her boyfriend.”

“Collins _isn’t_ her boyfriend.”

“Yeah, she never was the 'significant other' type,” Wells said, almost wistfully. “Too focused on school for a serious boyfriend or girlfriend. Always has been. She really likes _him_ though.”

Bellamy was almost angry, but he knew what Wells meant. Clarke changed around Finn. Not in a bad way. She just allowed herself to be a little lighter. It kind of bothered him and that made him say something without thinking. “So what won’t she forgive you for? I doubt _you_ actually killed someone.”

Wells winced. Laughter erupted from the corner along with a shriek from Octavia. Bellamy glanced over to see Clarke approaching, her smile disappearing rapidly. She brushed right past her old friend and leaned against the counter.

“Jasper spilled half a drink on your sister. Can I get some towels?”

“Go fucking figure. Give me a sec. I’ll come out.”

“No, that’s okay. It didn’t get anywhere but on her. No extra clean-up for you.” She forced a smile and he rolled his eyes. He was only gone for a second, but it was enough time for her to whirl around and confront Wells. “—think you’re doing here?!”

“Clarke, come on. It’s a small campus.”

“I was taking the opportunity to pry into your past,” Bellamy interrupted. “Got a problem with that?”

Clarke spun back to him and glared, but some of her anger dissipated when she met his eyes. Instead, she looked… calculating. It was a little creepy. “I guess you’re a big boy, Blake. Do what you want.”

“Aw, thanks.” Bellamy grinned. “Here are the towels you requested so nicely, Princess. Now, get lost so I can keep snooping.”

Wells laughed weakly. “Don’t worry. I won’t tell him about the time—“

“—the time you got my father killed?”

“Jesus, Clarke,” Bellamy exhaled.

“Wells. Why. Are. You. Here.”

“You’re not usually here about this time. I just wanted to—“

“Well, stop. What you want is never going to happen. If you really wanted to be my friend, you’d go walk into traffic.”

Collins picked that moment to saunter up and sling an arm over her shoulders. “Hey, Princess. Everything all right over here?”

Bellamy bristled at the use of the nickname, but Clarke’s whole demeanor changed, so he bit his tongue.

“It’s fine,” she said with a smile. “Just got a little held up.”

“I’ll get those back to Octavia.” Finn slid the towels out of her hands and dropped a kiss on her temple. “Come back soon. They’re eating me alive without you.”

Clarke blushed. She looked at Wells, then Bellamy, who just raised an eyebrow at her. Blushing harder, she turned and followed Finn back to her friends. Wells sighed and turned to leave.

“Wait, dude, you’re not _actually_ going to sit in traffic, are you?”

Wells glanced back over his shoulder and rolled his eyes. “Not that desperate. _Dude._ ”


	27. Chapter 27

It was unseasonably warm outside. The sun shone so brightly that Clarke had to drag her sunglasses out of her desk and put them back in her purse. She was perfectly comfortable in the thin sweater she had on. Her jacket was still tucked away in her book bag, but she would probably be home before it cooled down enough to actually need it. Finn was late, but he was considerate enough that he had texted her to let her know.

The ‘thing’ with Finn had been going on for a few weeks. She liked it. She liked him. They met a few days a week for coffee between their classes, he had taken her on a couple of nice dates, and the sex was nothing to complain about. Octavia told her she was much easier to handle when she was getting laid regularly, and Clarke wasn’t really sure if she should have been offended by that. She was really just grateful that O had made it through a movie night without throwing anything at Bellamy. They hadn’t said a word to each other, but the group had been together again for a couple of hours, and it made everything feel a little lighter.

Things were going so well with everything. Clarke even remembered Finn’s coffee order. It wasn’t a hard order to remember, but she hid from dating opportunities her freshman year and she had been worried she would be a little out of practice. She hummed to herself as she added the two raw sugars to Finn’s latte and someone bumped into her, causing her to spill a bit of her own coffee.

When Clarke spun around, she was face to face with one of the most beautiful women she had ever seen since she met Octavia.

“Oh my god, I’m so, so sorry,” the girl said, smoothing her hands over her hair even though her long brown hair was pulled back into a ponytail. Her brown eyes were so wide that she looked like she belonged in a Disney movie. And her skin was just… flawless. Clarke was jealous. “I’m so sorry! I’m just so lost.”

“Don’t worry about it! No harm done.” She smiled when the girl still didn’t look like she felt better. “Seriously.”

“At least let me replace your coffee.”

“It’s not a big deal. Only a little bit spilled. I could probably do with lowering my caffeine intake anyway. One of my best friends has been giving me a really hard time about it and is threatening not to serve me anymore. Which is why I’m here and not where he works.” Clarke grinned again, and this time, the girl actually smiled back.

“Do you go here?”

“I do. Are you… new? Transferring in?” It was the middle of the first quarter. There weren’t many other reasons she could think of that someone wouldn’t know their way around.

“I’m thinking about it. My boyfriend goes here. We’re uh…. Things have been rough long distance, so I came here to surprise him. Seven hour drive, so I’m sure I look kind of ragged.” She shrugged and Clarke rolled her eyes without dropping her smile. “Do you think you could tell me where McCormick Hall is? That’s where his next class it. And I swear I’m not a crazy stalker. His mom told me his schedule.”

Clarke laughed. “We’re really close to McCormick. I’m actually meeting a friend here who has a class over there in about forty-five minutes. Do you want to hang out with us and then he can walk you over?”

“That would be great!” She held out her hand. “I’m Raven, by the way.”

Clarke hovered next to Raven while she waited in the coffee line and had to make sure the barista did not actually replace her coffee. She learned that Raven was majoring in Aeronautical Engineering back at her school, because she wanted to build everything from airplanes to rocket ships. She took apart cars on the weekend for fun and used to build random things out of scrap metal when she was a kid. Her boyfriend’s family was like her family, because her own parents were shit, and they had even bought her the very first tool kit she ever owned.

“—and they caught me, elbow deep in their speedboat engine. I was so lucky they didn’t kick me out! I was just twelve, but I really wanted to figure out how it worked!”

“Raven?!”

A sudden dread filled Clarke when she heard Finn’s voice crack behind her. She spun around, but it was like everything was happening around her in slow motion. Raven jumped up out of her chair to run to Finn, throwing her arms around his neck. He was touching her shoulders and her arms like he wasn’t sure she was actually real, and Clarke thought she might actually throw up when Raven kissed him passionately, knocking him back a few steps. Clarke didn’t know why she wasn’t moving; why she was just standing there watching the guy she liked make out with his… with his _girlfriend._ And when she realized she needed to leave, Raven realized that Clarke was still standing there.

“Clarke! This is—“

“Finn. Yeah. I know.”

“Oh, do you two know each other?”

Clarke pointedly avoided looking at Finn, even though she could see him staring at her out of the corner of her eye. “This is the friend I was saying could help you find your boyfriend.”

“Small world!” Raven grinned at Clarke, and then turned it back to Finn.

“Yeah… small world,” he said weakly.

Clarke pulled her phone out of her purse and put on a face of mock-disappointment. “Oh, you know what? I have to go. My roommate is already at our pre-calc class, and she wants me there, like now.”

“You can’t stay?” Raven asked.

“No. No, she wants to go over some… um, some formulas… about limits or something. I’ll just let you two catch up.”

She grabbed her coffee and started walking away, swallowing hard.

“Clarke….” Finn’s voice trailed off and she didn’t look back.

“I’ll see you guys later!”

She didn’t go to class. She couldn’t. Octavia would see that something was wrong immediately, so she went to their room instead. About ten minutes into her class, her phone started buzzing. 

**Jasper**  
12:41pm  
_Clarke, where are you?_

**Monty**  
12:41pm  
_You okay?_

**Octavia**  
12:41pm  
_ARE YOU DEAD? If you don’t text me back within 5 minutes, I’m assuming the worst and calling the police._

Clarke sent quick messages to Jasper and Monty, but knew that O wouldn’t be satisfied with her weak attempts at excuses.

**Clarke**  
12:43pm  
_I’m alive. Sorry. I didn’t mean to worry you._

**Octavia:**  
12:44pm  
_Did you ditch to get yourself all preeeeeetty for your date tonight?_

**Clarke**  
12:48pm  
_Um… not really. Date got cancelled._

**Octavia**  
12:49pm  
_Do I need to kick someone’s ass?_

**Clarke**  
12:54pm  
_No! It was me._  
_I think I need some time with you guys, instead, if that’s cool._  
_Isn’t Harper having a party tonight?_

**Octavia**  
12:55pm  
_… you know you’re lucky I love you._  
_Because I’m not really feeling the whole seeing Bellamy thing._

**Clarke**  
12:57pm  
_Pleeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaase?_  
_They have the best games and I need to get drunk._

**Octavia**  
12:59pm  
_Okay. But you owe me!_  
_And only because you used so many vowels and I’m so proooooooooooooouuuuuud of my baby._  
1:00pm  
_The padawan has become the master._

**Clarke**  
1:02pm  
_I’m going to tell Jasper how horribly you butchered that quote…._

**Octavia**  
1:03pm  
_No!!!!!!!!!!!_  
_Please don’t._  
_I’ll do aaaaaaaanything._  
_He’ll be so mad._

**Clarke**  
1:05pm  
_Great! As long as we're going to that party, I'll take your secret to my grave._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Seriously, with how hard Finn was to work with, I was really worried about Raven. But I love her so much. She was so much easier to write than he was.


	28. Chapter 28

Bellamy was surprised to see Clarke walk in with Monty, Jasper, and Octavia. He hadn’t expected any of them to show up. Monty told him that Clarke had a date, and they were going to be hanging out with O so she’d stop snapchatting Clarke ridiculous, suggestive things in the middle of it. He was more surprised when Octavia said hi, as though she almost, very briefly forgot that she was mad at him. He was surprised, but he was glad they had come, because he had a really embarrassing favor to ask Clarke. It took about an hour to get her alone, but he finally managed to pull her away from the main crowd. 

“Can you, uh…. Listen. This is really embarrassing.” He paused to scratch the back of his head, and she just stared at him blankly. “I need help with a class.” 

Clarke’s jaw dropped, and he wished he could record this so that he would remember the time Clarke Griffin was actually speechless for once in her life, but she just _kept staring_ so he rushed on. 

“History’s my thing. I know that the last time a cavalry charge was used was during World War II. I know that the first Pharaoh was King Menes. I know that when he died, Abraham Lincoln was carrying a five dollar Confederate bill. What don’t I know? How to balance a fucking chemical reaction.” 

A small smile formed on her face. “Bellamy Blake needs my help.” 

“I do not.” 

“Oh really?” She crossed her arms. “So, what is this then?” 

He sighed and dropped his head back, staring up at the ceiling. “Fine, I need your help, Princess.” 

“Say… um… say please.” 

He groaned. “Please.”   

She grabbed his upper arm suddenly and he looked down at her. Her entire body had gone rigid and her grip was so tight that he could feel her fingernails through his shirt. His first instinct was to push her hand away, but the look of pure panic on her face shut him up.   

“I still have my old flashcards at my mom’s, I think.” Her voice was too bright. “I’ll go by tomorrow and pick them up.” 

“Okay…. Are you okay, Clarke? Is Wells here or something?” He started to turn and she squeaked, tightening her grip. 

“Nope. I’m just fantastic. When do you want to start studying?” 

“Well, maybe on Sunday after you’re done at the clinic?” 

“Yep. That’ll be great. I need a drink.” 

And then he was left staring at nothing. If he lived in a cartoon, there would have been a puff of smoke where she had been. He turned, but couldn’t see her anywhere, and he was so caught off guard by how scattered she had been that he wandered over to where Octavia was leaning against the couch talking to Jasper and Monty. 

“Is something wrong with Clarke?” He kept looking around the room, but he couldn’t see a single strand of blonde hair anywhere. How did he not have more blonde friends? 

“She’s been acting weird since this afternoon,” Octavia offered reluctantly. 

“Yeah, she even skipped math today,” Monty added. 

“At first, I thought she was skipping to bang Finn,” Jasper said nonchalantly, “but then she said their date tonight was cancelled and she wanted to come here….” 

“Or as I said before without so many fucking details,” Octavia growled, “she’s been acting weird this afternoon.” 

Bellamy wandered away and let his sister shame Monty and Jasper for their overshare, absentmindedly searching when a gorgeous girl stepped into his path. She smiled up at him expectantly, and a part of him wanted to stop and talk, but something was bugging him about Clarke. 

“Hey. Hello. I have a question.” 

Or gorgeous girl could just talk to him first. “Yes?” 

“I saw you talking to Clarke a little bit ago. Are you her boyfriend?” 

Bellamy choked on a laugh. “She’s my little sister’s best friend.” 

“So…?” 

“No way. Not a chance.” 

The girl didn’t quite glare at him, but he still felt like he was under the microscope. “Well, since you’re _friends_ with Clarke, do you know Finn?” 

“I know Collins.” Something pulled at his gut. “Why?” 

“Well,” she said, laughing weakly, “the jackass introduced me to one of his friends and disappeared. You’d think he’d know better than to ditch his girlfriend at some strange party, right?” 

Bellamy’s jaw dropped before he could stop it. “Wait, back up. You’re Finn’s _girlfriend_?” 

“Why does everyone keep saying it like that?” 

Bellamy was livid. It was no wonder Clarke freaked out and ran away earlier. He was sure he knew exactly where to find her, but the absence of Collins was more important right now. If he found her…. “Where is he?” 

“I was _hoping_ you could help me. Someone said this is _your_ party.” 

A small part of him felt bad for her, but he mostly led her through the crowd because he had a sinking feeling he knew exactly where Collins was, and he hoped Raven would get tired of following him around in circles. Because, if the look on Clarke’s face earlier was any indication, she had no idea about the existence of any girlfriend. When it became clear that this girl wasn’t going to leave him alone, he wandered toward the hall, wondering at the last minute if he should have dropped her off with Octavia. 

At the front of the hall, he paused and turned back to her. “Sometimes, Clarke gets overwhelmed with a lot of people and she hides in my room. Do you want to wait here and I’ll see if she’s seen your boyfriend?” 

“I’d rather not,” she snapped and brushed past him down the hallway.   

He tried to stop her, but it was too late. His door was open and Finn was clearly visible as he tried to grab Clarke’s hand before she pulled it away. The girl next to him didn’t seem to be able to move, and Bellamy felt just as stuck, but only because Clarke showed actual emotions so rarely and Finn was clearly causing her pain. He took a step forward when he heard Collins speak. 

“You don’t understand. I was trying to move on.” 

“Oh, I think I got that part.” 

“No, we hadn’t talked in weeks! I thought she had given up, gotten tired of the distance, so I gave up, too! Don’t do this to me, Clarke. Please. You’re so important to me.” 

A noise escaped the girl next to him. A sob, maybe. It caught Clarke’s attention first, followed by Collins. When the latter looked up, the girl spun on her heel and rushed out. Collins at least looked torn, but then Clarke pushed away from him and rushed out of the room, leaving him alone with Bellamy. Collins got up and it looked like he was going to chase after Clarke until Bellamy grabbed his arm roughly. 

“How about you go make sure you _girlfriend_ is okay? I’ll take care of your… _side action._ ” 

“Don’t call her that.” 

“Which one?”  

“… Clarke. She’s not—“ 

“You have no fucking business telling _me_ what she is and what she isn’t. I know perfectly well what she deserves and it’s not this bullshit. Now get the fuck out before I break your nose.” 

Collins yanked his arm out of Bellamy’s grasp and left. Bellamy leaned back against the wall to take a few deep breaths before braving the crowd to, once again, search for the princess. He found Miller first, who hadn’t seen her. Neither had Monty. Or Harper. 

In the end, his apartment was so small that he was ashamed he didn’t find her sooner. He may not have found her at all, except he overheard Trina complain that some girl was getting drunk on the balcony, in the dark, and telling people to ‘stay the fuck inside’. 

He found her sitting with her legs and arms looped through the railing. His first instinct was to surge forward and pull her back, but he forced himself to hold back. When he opened the door, she turned, and sighed with resignation. As he sat cross-legged next to her, he could see the fifth of something that she was holding, and occasionally taking sips from. She stared out at it and refused to look back at him. 

“I dropped the cap. I’m sorry.” 

“I think that’s okay.” He hesitated. “You want to scoot back and avoid giving this old man a heart attack?” 

Clarke laughed loudly. Too loudly. “Old man. You are. So old.” She took another drink. 

“Gee, thanks Princess. Now scoot back, will ya?” 

“Why?” 

“Because if that railing falls, the way you’re leaning, you’ll fall too.” 

“You’re either calling me fat or suicidal, and I don’t like either one, _old man_.” 

Bellamy snorted. “God, will you just scoot your drunk ass back for me?” 

She was quiet for a moment, but she didn’t move, and he was ready to haul her back himself when she spoke quietly. “He has a fucking girlfriend.” 

Bellamy hesitated, unsure of the right response. “I noticed.” 

“Why would someone _do_ that?” 

He shrugged, even though she wasn’t looking at him. “He’s a dick.” 

“He’s really not,” she laughed bitterly. “That’s the problem.” 

“No, Clarke, he is. Maybe he’s a nice guy, but he’s a fucking dick. And an idiot.” 

She didn’t respond at first, just scooted back about an inch. It was at least enough to cause him to relax. “I’m not suicidal. That would be stupid. I’ve known him, what, three weeks? That was just a _really really really_ comfortable position.” 

“I never thought you were. I was just worried.” She brought the bottle to her lips again, and he noticed how empty it was. Panic flowed through him again. “Whoa, Princess, hold on a second. Did you drink all of that yourself?” 

“What of it, old man bossypants?” 

“Shit, Clarke,” he leaned forward and grabbed the bottle. “It’s been like, a half hour.” 

“So? Give it back.” 

“So, that’s a lot!” 

“I wanted to be drunker, old man Blake.” She giggled. “Old man Blake. That’s funny.” 

“Okay, well I think you succeeded.” He stood up and reached out his hand. “I’m going to take you home.” 

“I don’t want to get up. I’ll just sleep out here, okay? Bring me a blanket.” 

“No. Jesus, come on.” It took some effort, but he pulled her into a standing position. Warily, he let his hands hover above her shoulders to see if she could stand on her own. She couldn’t. She face planted right into his chest. “Whoa, come on.” 

There was no other choice. He leaned over and opened the door and then scooped her legs out from under her. It was even more obvious that she was drunk when she wrapped her arms around his neck and buried her face into his shoulder. “Warm mister Blake.” 

“What the hell happened?!” Octavia ran up to him as he approached the front door. 

“Clarke had a little too much to drink, and I think it’s better if I take her home. Do you want to come? Or do you want to stay?” 

“Of course I’m coming.” He was so proud of her then, and the way she didn’t hesitate to leave a party for a friend who was in trouble. “What _happened_ to her?” 

“Most of a fifth of vodka. And Finn Collins.” 

He explained the situation in the car. If Octavia hadn’t had Clarke’s head in her lap, Bellamy was a little worried that she would have jumped out of the moving car to go hunt Collins down right there. But Clarke was starting to feel nauseous, and he saw glimpses of his sister stroking her best friend’s hair in the rearview mirror, rubbing her back, telling her it was just another minute.   

Clarke tried to walk into her dorm, too, but Bellamy was having none of it, even when she protested that she didn’t want to throw up on him. He picked her up again and carried her through the hall, refusing to put her down until they were in her room. As soon as her feet touched the ground, she stumbled awkwardly into the bathroom and immediately started to vomit. Loudly. Octavia was right behind her, holding back her hair. Bellamy grabbed a pillow and blanket off her bed, a water bottle out of the mini-fridge, and the bottle of aspirin off the nightstand and then waited. 

Once her retching had subsided, he knocked on the door quietly and transferred the bundle into Octavia’s arms, minus the water bottle. He crouched down next to Clarke and twisted off the lid. 

“Hey, Princess, how are you doing?” 

“Absolutely fucking fantastic. What are you doing?” 

“I grabbed you some water. Can you try to drink some?” 

“I don’t know, can you try to stop doing that stupid protective hovering thing in everyone’s lives for one damn day?” 

He reeled back and set the bottle on the ground. “Wow. I was just trying to help.” 

“You’re always trying to help. And you’re always in the way.” 

And then she started to throw up again and Octavia poked his arm. “Can you just get out? I’ve got it covered.” 

He was confused and hurt and angry, but by the time he made it home, he was just angry. So when he saw Collins standing outside his apartment talking to Miller, Harper, and a couple other people, he stopped thinking.   

“I thought I told you to get the fuck out of here.” 

“Hey, I was just looking for R—“ 

Finn didn’t get to finish his sentence. Bellamy just punched him in the nose as hard as he could and the guy spun around, clutching his face. 

“What the hell, dude?!” Miller shouted. 

“Bellamy! Uncalled for!” Harper pushed him back toward the door. 

“That was uncalled for?! Do you want to know what’s fucking uncalled for?! Not telling Clarke that he had a fucking girlfriend back home!” 

“He did what?!” Harper’s hands dropped from his shoulders. 

Miller, on the other hand, walked up and tapped Finn on the shoulder. When he turned around and dropped his hands, Miller punched him in the nose again and then just walked inside the apartment without saying anything. Harper ushered the rest of the group inside, including Bellamy, and then slammed the door. 

 **Octavia**  
9:27am  
_Hey._  
_You awake?_    
_Maybe not…_     
_We were up pretty late over here talking._    
_Listen… I’m sorry for kicking you out last night. Clarke’s not the kind to puke and share.  
She gets oddly uncomfortable with bodily functions for a pre-med student._  

 **Bellamy**  
9:41am  
_Don’t worry about it. Sorry for hovering, or whatever._

 **Octavia**  
9:43am  
_Hey, don’t do that._    
_I’m trying to say thank you._    
9:47am  
_Thanks for watching out for Clarke, I mean._  
_And for me, too._  

 **Bellamy**  
9:52am  
_I repeat. Don’t worry about it._

 **Octavia**  
9:55am  
_I’m serious, Bell._    
_I woke up to like a thousand texts from Monty, Jasper, Harper…_  
_even Miller texted me._  

 **Bellamy**  
10:02am  
_What were they saying?_

 **Octavia**  
10:03am  
_Oh don’t you dare play coy with me. I invented coy._    
_You punched that bastard right in the face._    
_You and Miller both._  

  **Bellamy**  
10:05am  
_Are you sure?_  
_That doesn’t sound like me._  
_I would never punch someone in the face._

 **Octavia**  
10:09am  
_………….. Whatever._  
_Seriously though._    
_Thanks for standing up for Clarke._  
10:10am  
_She’ll never say it, but the girl could use it sometimes._    
_And it means a lot to me that you’d stand up for one of my friends._  

  **Bellamy**  
10:14am  
_How is she?_

**Octavia**  
10:16am  
_Sleeping. Restlessly. She’s going to have a bitch of a hangover._  

  **Bellamy**  
10:18am  
_Did she drink the water?_  
_Did she take the aspirin?_  
_Did she eat anything before bed?_

 **Octavia**  
10:19am  
_Yes yes no_  

  **Bellamy**  
10:20am  
_Ugh._  
_Don’t tell her, okay?_  
_She doesn’t need to worry about this._

 **Octavia**  
10:23am  
_Yeah, she wouldn’t believe me anyway._  
_She wouldn’t think you like her enough._

 **Bellamy**  
10:25am  
_Like her enough to what?_

 **Octavia**  
10:26am  
_to defend her honor, you know?_  
_I’m a little shocked too, tbh  
i know you guys have gotten closer, but still_

 **Bellamy**  
10:29am  
_Oh. Well, good I guess._  
10:32am  
_I mean it though._  
_Don’t tell her._


	29. Chapter 29

**Finn**  
1:06pm  
_Why won’t you answer your phone?_  
_We should talk about this._

 **Clarke**  
1:20pm  
_You have a girlfriend, Finn._  
_There’s really nothing left to say._

 **Finn**  
1:22pm  
_No, you seriously don’t understand._  
_I care about Raven._  
_But we started something._  
_Wouldn’t it be a shame to throw this away?_

 **Clarke**  
1:31pm  
_It’s nothing we can’t stop._

Clarke put her phone in her purse. She had feelings for Finn. That much was obvious. But, she wasn’t about to get in the middle of something that _he_ needed to fix. She could feel her phone buzz a couple times, but she forced herself to ignore it. Instead, she focused on the coffee stand in front of her, waiting for her coffee to appear. Damn Bellamy for getting her hooked on pour-over. It wasn’t even as good when he wasn’t the one making it, but she hadn’t felt like walking all the way over to Grounders. And she didn’t think he was working, anyway. She wasn’t sure if she would have been able to face him if he was, so resigned herself to misery.

Octavia had offered to go buy breakfast for her, but she felt like the hangover was karma. The nausea and the headache were kind of what she deserved. Clarke had finally been able to insist on going to the coffee stand alone in her baggy sweatshirt, leggings, and sunglasses even though it was overcast.

When she got her coffee, she turned around and almost dropped her cup. Raven was hovering by the condiments kiosk, staring at her with a blank look on her face and puffy eyes. Even with puffy eyes, Raven was still prettier than anyone around her. If they were friends, and Clarke was consoling her, she would have told her that. But they weren’t. She was the cause of her problems, instead, and that sucked.

Clarke didn’t want anything from the kiosk, so she almost left. Facing Raven after everything that had happened sixteen hours ago felt like too much in too short a period of time. But it also seemed like fate and karma, things Clarke usually thought were ridiculous, had thrown Raven back in her path. Maybe it was part of the punishment she deserved.

She took a step forward and Raven’s entire body tensed up. Clarke almost backed out, then, but she forced herself to keep putting one foot in front of the other. When she reached the kiosk, she reached across and grabbed a sugar, willing herself to keep her voice steady.

“Raven….” Words failed her. But the sound of her name seemed to renew the sense of determination in Raven’s features.

“Tell me I’m wrong,” she said quietly. “Tell me that he didn’t just give up. Tell me that you weren’t _screwing_ my boyfriend while I was trying to find a way to get here.”

It took all of Clarke’s will to not reel back. “I can’t tell you that.” She _wanted_ to be able to tell Raven all the things she was asking for. Her stomach twisted as a look of disgust appeared on Raven’s face.

“I don’t even know what to say to you. I thought…. You seem smart, Clarke. How does someone like you end up fucking a guy who has a _girlfriend_?”

Raven and started to walk away. She only got a few steps before Clarke ran after her. “Do you think I wanted this?!” Raven stopped and didn’t turn back. Clarke couldn’t stop. “I didn’t even know you existed. He said you guys haven’t talked in months. Why would he just assume things were over if they weren’t?”

Raven finally turned around, the tears in her eyes dangerously close to spilling over. “I had this stupid internship. And I can’t talk about it. There were NDAs, and…. But I wasn’t going to have any contact with anyone all summer. He _knew_ that. We _talked_ about it before I left, and he said he would be fine. We’d made it six years. What would four months be, right? He _told_ me to take it. He said he’d never forgive himself if I didn’t….”

Clarke watched as Raven turned around again and pressed her fingers to the bridge of her nose and a new wave of nausea swept over her. Maybe she should blame Finn. Maybe she shouldn’t blame herself. But faced with everything, she couldn’t think about anything else other than the fact that _she_ was the reason this girl was in pain. There was nothing left to say, so Clarke turned to walk away. She didn’t get very far before Raven called after her, voice watery.

“Do you love him?”

Clarke met Raven’s eyes. It was a loaded question. They’d only been seeing each other for a few weeks, so she knew it wasn’t love, but… the potential was there. “I hardly know him.”

Raven’s shoulders just dropped, and Clarke knew it really was done then. So she headed back to her dorm, holding back tears. By the time she reached her room, they were starting to fall, and she pulled her phone out of her purse again.

 **Finn**  
1:50pm  
_Are you sure?_  
_Because I’m not._

It wouldn't have been the end of the world if Octavia had been home, but Clarke was still grateful that she could cry in the dark in peace. The coffee sat on her desk, full and forgotten. Was she sure? She really was. Really. It sucked. She knew that she deserved more than that, but it still sucked. If he had been up front about his situation, things may have been different. She wouldn’t have slept with him, but they could have been friends and maybe something could have happened if he were ever single. She didn't feel like putting that into words and he didn't deserve an explanation, anyway.

 **Clarke**  
2:33pm  
_Yeah, I’m sure._  
_Raven deserved better than that._  
_Stop texting me. I’m blocking your number_

Clarke expected him to say something in return. When her phone buzzed again, she almost didn't look at it, but she had a few more things to say and couldn’t handle the suspense. It wasn't Finn. It was Bellamy. _Why is he texting me?_ From what O told her about the way things ended last night, she had expected to go to the store, pick up some cookies, and pass them off as homemade as an apology.

 **Bellamy**  
2:47pm  
_We still on for studying tomorrow?_

 **Clarke**  
2:52pm  
_Sure. I’ll pick up my old flashcards from my mom later._  
_What time is good for you?_

 **Bellamy**  
2:54pm  
_What time are you done at the clinic?_

 **Clarke**  
2:55pm  
2\. Short shift.

 **Bellamy**  
2:57pm  
_Does 3 work?_  
_Or will you need more time?_

 **Clarke**  
2:59pm  
_That’s good._  
_See you then._

Clarke kept checking her phone and frowned when he didn't text her back to confirm. She wasn't sure what else she had expected with her last text essentially being a conversation ender. What O told her about the things she said when he tried to get her to drink some water started to haunt her again. She buried her head under her pillow to hide from the fact that she didn't deserve his friendship.

She was almost asleep when her stupid phone buzzed again.

 **Bellamy**  
3:22pm  
_That hangover’s got to be a bitch, huh?_

Clarke almost smiled.

 **Clarke**  
3:30pm  
_You know it._  
_That’s the last time I don’t listen to you when you say I’ve had too much._  
_I’m still tired._  
_I feel like I’m dead._

 **Bellamy**  
3:43pm  
_Ha, I doubt it. You never listen to me._  
_Get some rest._  
_You’re going to need it._

 **Clarke**  
3:46pm  
_Ummmmm……._

 **Bellamy**  
3:57pm  
_No._  
_Just no._  
_I’m bad at science_.  
_Well, I’ll see you tomorrow_.  
_Please don't let me fail._  
_I wasn’t even inappropriate on purpose that time._

 **Clarke**  
4:00pm  
_I'm sure you'd be fine without me._

 **Bellamy**  
4:02pm  
_Well, that's just not true._  
_Life without you is boring_

 **Clarke**  
4:04pm  
_I didn't realize you cared, Blake._

 **Bellamy**  
4:05pm  
_Would you rather I make fun of you?_

 **Clarke**  
4:05pm  
_Yes._  
_It would make things less weird._

He didn't respond for a moment. She assumed he was working or typing up an entire paragraph of jokes about her money and how annoying she was when she was drunk.

 **Bellamy**  
4:12pm  
_Your face is weird._

 **Clarke**  
4:13pm  
_Wow. My life has changed._  
_You're lame._  
_You’re insults are bad and you should feel bad._

 **Bellamy**  
4:15pm  
_At least I'm not hungover._  
_Boom._  
_In your face._  
_Your weird face._  
4:18pm  
_Hey, really. Do you need anything?_  
_I really don't want to write this paper, so I'm free._

 **Clarke**  
4:21pm  
_You've been pretty great._  
_You didn’t ask me if I’m okay._  
_You made me laugh…_  
_That’s really what I needed today._  
_You helped a lot._  
_I'll deny that if you say anything to anyone._  
_I think I just want to be alone right now, but I appreciate you._

 **Bellamy**  
4:25pm  
_I get it._  
_You know where to find me._  
_I'll see you tomorrow, Princess._

* * *

Clarke was nervous. Bellamy never mentioned how she supposedly told him to get his own life in the middle of her vomiting spree. But the nervousness and embarrassment was almost a good feeling. Saturday had been full of self-loathing and even a little self-pity. Or a lot. And even more throwing up. Octavia had told her that Bellamy said she drank almost an entire fifth at his party, so really, a two day hangover was nothing less than she deserved.

She walked right into his apartment. No one ever knocked anymore. The door was only locked when they were asleep or if Harper was home alone. Bellamy was sitting alone on his couch. He looked up from his Chemistry book with a wary smile and a slight blush on his cheeks, which she was sure was mirrored on her own face as well. They exchanged perfunctory greetings as she sat on the opposite end of the couch and unpacked her study aids. He brought her a bottle and they sat in awkward silence for a moment while she organized things on the coffee table in front of her for probably longer than was necessary. All the while, he was doing something on the other end of the couch that… rustled?

“What are you doing over there?” Clarke asked the third time she heard something rustle near him. He didn’t say anything; just glared at her and dropped a heavy plastic bag in her lap. It took her a minute to realize what it was. And she smiled. It was a _real_ smile that hurt her cheeks. “Did you buy me food? Did you go to Taco del Mar for me?”

He blushed. She’d been on the end of a number of rants about fast food and how many times a week was too many times to frequent one place. “I know you, Clarke. You probably haven’t eaten a thing all day. I can’t have my only hope for passing Chemistry dropping dead from malnutrition.”

She elbowed him. “Driving me home, _subtly_ checking in on me, buying me food… I’m actually going to start thinking you care about my happiness.”

He smiled softly. “I care about passing my class."

* * *

While Clarke ate, Bellamy told Clarke what they had been studying in his class. Life seemed to come back into her features.

“How did you end up taking Chemistry in the first place?!” She almost choked on a bite of food laughing at him.

He liked making her laugh, even if it was directed at his stupid decisions. It wasn’t entirely clear to him, the reason that he chose Chemistry. He needed the five credits and while he’d been thumbing through the catalog, the class had drawn his attention. He’d always been aware that he could ask Clarke, Jasper, _or_ Monty for help; he’d always known it would be Clarke.

“I needed the credits, Princess. Finish eating so you can quiz me.”

They ended up on opposite ends of the couch again for flashcards (she wouldn’t stop pointing out that they were her flashcards from her AP class in high school and he eventually had to make fun of her for hoarding). The more she kicked at him, the more their feet got tangled while they she quizzed him. She started to relax through the night. He tried not to watch her when she would chew on her lip while trying to decide the next question to ask or push her hair back over her ear.

After they finished studying, she offered up her services for a weekly study session. And that’s what he liked about Clarke Griffin the most. Even though she was busier than any of his other friends, she still made time to help anyone who needed it.


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is super short, but I wanted some roommate love in here! I wish I could bring all of these guys in more often, but this is so much more about the way Clarke and Bellamy react to each other that I keep pushing them to the side. :(
> 
> Also, I meant to post this earlier, but I was too busy voting for Bob Morley literally all day in the Alpha Male Madness poll. So proud of this fandom for pulling out a win for him!!!

Clarke had settled in at Octavia’s desk while O finished her makeup in front of the mirror when suddenly a book caught her eye. A microeconomics book. She hadn’t heard O mention economics of _any_ kind all quarter.

“O?”

“Yes, Clarke?”

“How did I not know you were taking microeconomics? Is that why you’re only taking one dance class this quarter?”

Octavia smiled nervously. “I had to make some sacrifices this quarter.”

“Why?” Clarke couldn’t think of anything that would get Octavia to sacrifice dance.

O put down her blush and turned around, rubbing her hands together. “Well, promise me you won’t freak out.”  

“Well, when you put it that way, I don’t know if I can promise anything!”

“Okay, seriously, stop. You know, you’ve got everything planned out for like, eternity, right?”

Clarke nodded, unable to form the words. She wasn’t sure if she should be nervous or why Octavia was even being so shady about _one_ class.

“Well, so I got this idea last year, and I didn’t want to tell anyone right away, so you can’t tell anyone. Okay?”

“Um, okay?”

“So, this is one of the pre-reqs for a minor in Entrepreneurship.” She waited and studied Clarke’s face. “You know, because I decided that I want to be more prepared with all the basics for running a business, so I can run my own dance studio.”

“And my neurosis made you want to do this?”

“Well, you’re amazing! You’re volunteering at the clinic all the time, you’re majoring in two totally opposite things, and you’re even finding the time to help my dumbass brother pass a _science_ class.” Octavia’s voice suddenly got very quiet. “I just want you guys to be proud of me, and yeah. I figured being kind of responsible would make you proud.”

“Why would you want to make me proud, O?” Clarke was dumbfounded.

“Are you just fishing for compliments now? Because that’s not cool.”

“O, I’m a wreck lately! I’m burying myself in all this stuff to avoid a personal life.”

“No, you’re not! You might think that you are, but I don’t see it that way. Neither does Bell. Or Monty or Jasper or Harper or Miller. You’re kind of an inspiration to all of us, you dork.”

Dumfounded was gone. Just right out the window. Instead, Clarke was overwhelmed by love for her roommate. For all of her friends, really, but for Octavia most of all. She crossed the room in a few strides and hugged O with tears in her eyes. “You didn’t need someone to _inspire_ you to be amazing, _dork_. You’re so smart, all on your own.”

“Yeah,” Octavia’s muffled voice replied, “but this will help. A lot.”

“How do I never get invited to the hugging parties?!”

Jasper and Monty stood in the doorway. Monty looked amused and Jasper just looked genuinely disappointed. O and Clarke almost knocked him over with the force of their hug.


	31. Chapter 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eh, in celebration of Bob's win, why not go for two chapters in one day?

“Sorry I’m late!” Clarke ran into the dorm room looking like a brilliant, blonde hurricane, book bag swinging around and _another_ pen mark on her cheek.

Bellamy looked over at his sister and smirked. “Do you pay people to not tell her when she does that to her face or something?”

Octavia burst into laughter, clutching onto her sides and Bellamy joined her when Clarke flushed and turned to the mirror with a growl.

“Very mature, you two.” She wiped frantically at the spot with a makeup remover wipe.

“I never claimed to be mature!” Octavia tried to yell through her fit of laughter.

Clarke’s real glare was pointed at Bellamy though. He frowned. “I have never claimed to be mature, Princess. Not once in my life.” She stuck her tongue out at him, then, but a smile flickered across her features and he broke out into a full grin, unable to help himself.

“Is everyone else meeting us here? Or are they meeting us at the restaurant?” She glanced over in time to see Octavia bend back over the course catalog she had been looking at. “Oh, wait, did the catalogs come out today? I didn’t see them!”

Bellamy snorted as she jogged across the room to look over Octavia’s shoulder. “I thought you’d have yours direct mailed to your class.”

She stuck her tongue out at him again and he just rolled his eyes and sunk back into the pillows on O’s bed. He listened to them quietly murmuring to each other over the catalog until Clarke plopped down on the bed next to him with her nose still firmly buried in the book. “You never answered my question.”

“We’re going to pick up Monty and Jasper in…” he pulled her right hand away from the book to look at her watch (he was rewarded with another smile), “thirty minutes. Harper and Miller are meeting us there. So you have some time to plan out your classes.”

“What about you, Bell?” O asked. “What are you taking next quarter?

“Actually,” he swiped the catalog out of Clarke’s hands and smiled when she smacked his leg, “I was thinking that you and I should take a class together next quarter.”

O grinned. “That might be fun. What classes do you need still?”

“I’m still missing a couple human behaviors classes. If you didn’t want to take a class with me, I was probably going to try to get into that Human Sexuality class, but since—“

“Gross. No way, big brother. You couldn’t pay me enough money to take that class with you.”

“O, that’s not—“

“That’s so gross. I don’t want to think about you being a sexual entity, and I don’t want _you_ to think about _me_ being a sexual entity.”

“Will you stop saying sexual entity?!”

“I can’t! Ugh, I’m so grossed out, I think I have to skip dinner.” She threw her hands up in the air and walked into the bathroom. He could still hear her muttering to herself.

“Oh my god, can you stop being so dramatic?”

“I’ll take it with you.” Clarke’s voice broke them out of their argument. Octavia leaned out through the door and they stared at her with equal amounts of shock on their faces. She eyed them both and shrugged uncomfortably. “I need another human behaviors class for my core requirements. And I’ve heard that class is amazing.”

Bellamy was at a loss for words, but Octavia sure wasn’t. "Ugh, you two feel free. But don’t talk to me about it. I don’t even want to think about it.”

“So, we’ll take it together. I’ll ask my mom to talk to the professor. They went to college together so we might even be able to skip the waitlist that way.” She scrunched her nose up at him. “Why are you looking at me like that? How was your midterm today?”

Bellamy closed his mouth so fast his teeth clicked together, and it kind of hurt. “Oh, um….” He fiddled with the corner of the catalog until Clarke looked like she was about to break before he grinned at her. “I got a B.”

“Oh, that’s great!” Clarke punched him on the shoulder. “Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

“Bell! Why didn’t you say anything?!” O ran out, climbed up the ladder, and jumped on the bed next to them.

“I was going to surprise you later at dinner.” He forced himself to stop thinking about the fact that in a little over two months, he was going to get to actually study with Clarke all the time. It might be on even ground, too, and she wouldn’t be able to lord her intellectual superiority over him. To top it off, the subject matter was probably going to make her incredibly uncomfortable. Hell, studying that subject matter with _Clarke_ might make him a little uncomfortable, too, but he knew her. She’d already made up her mind. They would end up in that class together even if he tried to back out. “Your dinner’s on me tonight, by the way.” He smiled and hoped it looked normal.


	32. Chapter 32

Monty and Jasper were the first to arrive. Everyone else got hung up at another exhibit, because there was a possibility that Miller had a crush on the artist and Octavia and Bellamy were trying to get him to break and ask the guy out.

"Who is it?" Clarke asked, excitedly.

“That guy, Bryan something? I wanted to stay, too, but Monty dragged me away.” Jasper pouted at him, but Monty wasn’t looking at him.

Clarke laughed and poked Monty’s shoulder. He was distracted and she tried to follow his line of sight, but found nothing. “Well, I’m glad some of you are going easy on him. What are you looking for, Monty?”

“Oh, nothing,” he said, swinging his head back to her paintings. “There’s just a lot of stuff here. None of it’s as good of yours though.” She grinned, but it faltered when Finn suddenly slipped into her view. Monty followed her eyeline and deflated a bit. “Shit. I thought he wasn’t going to come over here.”

“What?” Jasper spun around and saw him, too, clenching his fists.

It looked like Finn had noticed them all notice him and gave up on whatever shitty attempt at secrecy he had been trying for. “Hey, Clarke.”

“What are you doing here?”

“I wanted to talk to you. And I remembered you talking about the show.”

“Well, she doesn’t want to talk to you,” Jasper said, stepping between them.

Monty joined him. “Your nose sure looks better.”

Clarke tugged on Monty’s sleeve. “What are you talking about?”

Jasper and Monty shared a look of pure panic and Jasper covered his mouth. “Nothing!” Monty yelped.

“How do you not know?” Finn asked, a small smile on his face. It wasn’t mean. It was genuine. “I mean, I deserved it. I figured everyone who saw would have been in such a rush to tell you.”

“Tell me what?” She couldn’t keep the snap out of her voice, but he kept on smiling anyway.

“Uh, Bellamy and Nate aren’t here, are they?”

“They’ll be here any minute.” Jasper crossed his arms.

“What do Bellamy and Miller have to do with your nose?”

Finn scratched the back of his head and shrugged. “I went back to the party when I couldn’t find Raven, but you were gone. I was asking if anyone had seen you or Raven when Bellamy showed up and punched me in the face.”

“Bellamy did what?!” Jasper set a hand on her arm and she cleared her throat. Her shout had drawn the attention of others around them. “Sorry,” she said quietly, more to Jasper and Monty than anyone else. “Bellamy did what?”

“Then Miller punched me after Bellamy told them what I did.”

Clarke’s hand involuntarily came up to cover her heart and she clutched Jasper’s shoulder. “Why didn’t anyone tell me?”

Monty shrugged. “Bellamy asked us not to. He didn’t say why.”

She turned her attention back to Finn. “And you’re just standing here, casually telling me that two of my friends punched you in the face like it’s okay.”

He shrugged again. “They care about you. It’s an understandable reaction. I’ll be the first to admit that what I did was wrong. I already cleared the air with Raven. We’re good. I just wanted to talk to you, too.”

Clarke frowned. She wasn’t sure she believed him. “And she forgave you?”

“Not exactly. I mean, she wants to be okay with everything, but….” He trailed off.

“Well, I’m not ready to talk to you. Raven’s a bigger person than I am if she decides she can be okay with it. You need to go, because everyone is almost here.”

“Okay,” he said reluctantly. “Well, please call me when you’re ready to talk.”

* * *

Harper grabbed onto Bellamy’s arm as they watched Finn walk away from Clarke. “She’d kill you if you made a scene here.”

Bellamy mumbled angrily under his breath, but he knew Harper was right. Instead, he followed her to Clarke’s exhibit, pasted a smile on his face, and watched as hugs were exchanged. He noticed that Clarke’s hug with Miller lingered a little longer than it had in the past. He thought she was whispering something. Miller straightened his beanie, flushing as he walked away to study her newest stuff.

Before Bellamy had a chance to approach, he noticed Wells attempting to fade into the group near him. Bellamy sighed and tapped him on the shoulder. “You _do_ realize this looks like stalking, right?”

Wells closed his eyes for a moment. “It’s not.” When he opened them, he just looked sad. “I read about the exhibit online. I was going to wait until she left. I just want to see what she’s been doing.”

“Artist hours are almost over anyway,” Bellamy offered. He turned to leave, but hesitated and turned back. “Do you blame yourself for her dad’s death?”

He could see the temptation his question elicited. It would have been so easy to unload whatever he was holding onto. His mouth even opened, but instead, Wells clamped his jaw shut and shrugged.

“Why do you let her blame you if it wasn’t your fault?”

Wells shook his head. “She doesn’t need me as—.  It’s not my story to tell. And if you knew her side of the story, you wouldn’t be talking to me.”

Bellamy didn’t get a chance to respond before Wells turned and walked away. He just sighed again and made his way back to Clarke’s exhibit. She was so wrapped up in conversation with the others that it looked like Wells had indeed escaped her attention.

A sense of déjà vu overwhelmed him as he stood at the outskirts of the group, studying her paintings without saying anything. He could feel her eyes on him, but while it was the same, it was different. This time, it wasn’t uncomfortable. They had a long discussion after the last art show, and she would wait for him to figure out what to say.

It was still clearly her work, landscapes and a few abstracts, but these paintings were also radically different. Last winter, everything had been almost overwhelming with color. It had all been clean and bright. This time, everything was darker. The lines were rawer and the paint was thick on the canvas. In spite of the fact that he found himself drawn to it in a way he hadn’t been to her last pieces, it felt wrong to him. They didn’t feel like Clarke.

“Okay,” she said from beside him, making him jump. “You’ve been staring for like ten minutes. It’s freaking me out.”

He looked around to find that all their friends had moved on without him. “Sorry, Princess. I was just trying to figure out which one I like the most.”

She smiled and looked down at her feet. “You don’t have to say that.”

“No, I do. I really like them.” He racked his brain, trying to think of the right way to describe them. He had read a book on art terminology and asked Octavia to quiz him on a couple things. _And_ why _exactly do you need to do this?_ she had asked. He flushed at the memory. “They’re just different from what I’m used to seeing from you.” He groaned internally. _So much for that book._

He risked a glance down at her and she was studying him, as though not sure what to make of his comment. “Why do you like them?”

“They’re just…. They kind of look like pain and you know I’m a sucker for suffering. You and O have mentioned that a couple times.” She rolled her eyes and he smiled. “I’m going to go find everyone else. Leave you to your admiring fans, and all.”

Clarke rolled her eyes again. “Whatever, Blake.”

He tilted his head at her when she didn’t turn away immediately. Without warning, her arms were around his waist and she was hugging him. Bellamy hadn’t realized how small she was until that very moment, when she tilted her head down to press her forehead into his shoulder. He thought he might have been able to wrap his arms around her twice. When she pulled away, her cheeks were flushed, but she smiled and he was left alone.

It wasn’t until he was weaving through the crowd, looking for his sister, that he realized that was the first time Clarke had ever hugged him. It was at least the first time she’d hugged him when they were both sober. He turned back to find her studying him as she made conversation with someone else. Her eyes flew away from him and he felt his own face heat up.

* * *

After the exhibit, everyone went back to the apartment to hang out for a bit before bed. The exhibit had been better than Clarke had hoped. Her _whole evening_ had gone better than she’d hoped, in spite of the little blip that was Finn, until Bellamy cornered her in the kitchen. Cornered may have been a little harsh, but it was what she felt when they were done.

“Clarke, I have a question.”

“Shoot.”

“Is it possible that you’ve been a little rough on Wells?”

She was blindsided. She knew Wells still went into the café sometimes, but there was no way he would tell Bellamy what he had done. Bellamy couldn’t know or he wouldn’t be talking to her about it. “Hardly.” She tried to scoot past him and he stopped her with a hand on her arm.

“Listen. He seems like a pretty straight-up guy. And he loves you. You know that, right?” Clarke looked away from him and swallowed hard. “Every time your dad comes up, he won’t give you a straight answer. It kind of seems like he’s hiding something, doesn’t it? Are you sure that you’re blaming the right person here?”

“Yeah. One-hundred percent, alright? He’s the only one… the only one who knew where I was.”

“I don’t know the details, but maybe you should think about how everything happened and decide if it seems like it’s in character for him. Because it’s not like he’s going around spilling all your secrets. And believe me, I’ve tried to get some dirt on you.”

Clarke tried to think of something to say, but Bellamy left her alone before she could think of anything. She chewed on her lip and leaned against the counter. Her logic was sound. No way was she wrong.


	33. Chapter 33

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I debated bumping up the rating on this, but opted not to for now. There are some things mentioned here, but I'm no good at smut, so there are no details. If anyone thinks I should have, just let me know!

from: mechanicgirlygirl@gmail.com  
to: griffin-dor@gmail.com  
date: Tues, Nov 24, 2015 at 9:54pm  
subject: I was an ass?

Hi Clarke,

At least, I hope this is Clarke. This is Raven. Raven Reyes. I realize I never told you my last name when we met. Uh… coffee stand? Cheating boyfriend? That sounds bitter, doesn’t it. I’m not. Bitter, I mean. Sorry for the abrupt email. I know it’s a little weird. I got your email address from Finn. I don’t want to yell at you, I swear. I actually want to apologize.

So, Finn said he tried to talk to you and you still won’t talk to him, which, good for you. I unfortunately don’t have that luxury since his family basically raised me. I think we talked about that in our overshare before I figured out what was going on and hated you for about twelve hours.

But that’s the thing. I don’t hate you, okay? I don’t even blame you anymore. After I was done being angry at you, I was angry at Finn, and then I heard the way he talked about you, and I couldn’t be with him anymore. And none of that is your fault, even though that would make it about a million times easier to handle. I’m still having trouble with it all, but I’m sorry for the stuff I said. That was ballsy of you to come up to me and talk. I didn’t know how to react. You’re a good person, or that’s what it seems like to me, at least.

I’m going to be in town next week. I get in on Saturday. My college sends people to bigger cities to get an idea of the potential workforce and to network and I lucked out and got picked for this trip. So, it’d be great to meet for coffee or something. Don’t worry, Finn won’t be there.

Also, I set up this email address about six years ago, so please don’t judge me.

I hope I hear back from you.

Raven

from: griffin-dor@gmail.com  
to: mechanicgirlygirl@gmail.com  
date: Wed, Nov 25, 2015 at 9:01am  
subject: no you weren’t

Hey Raven,

I was a little terrified to read your email after I saw it was from you. I’m glad I did though. Please don’t feel like you need to be sorry for anything. I’m the one who should be sorry. I mean, the next time I try to date someone, I’ll definitely be doing a deep google search and asking them way too many personal questions… possibly paying for a background check after taking two forms of identification. Which I guess means I'll probably never be dating anyone again….

Anyway, it would be good to get together. Maybe we can apologize to each other in person while the other one insists that there’s no need for apologies. I can buy you some ridiculously fatty coffee drink with a shit ton of whipped cream. Or there’s a party that weekend at my roommate’s brother’s place. Unless you don’t want to go back there. I’d get that. Ugh, did I just make this awkward? But yeah, if we all went to the party, we could get drunk. Booze mends all bridges. Or it makes the travels across them less awkward.

I don’t know why I wrote that. I’m crazy. My number is 206-888-7777. Text me or something.

Clarke

PS. If you need a place to stay, our dorm is kind of cramped, but we can work something out. I talked to Octavia (my roommate) about it already and you're more than welcome.

* * *

When Clarke told him that Raven was coming to his party, Bellamy thought she was joking at first. He didn’t believe her until she had walked into the café with Raven in tow during his Thursday shift. He watched their table a bit warily for signs of an argument, but they were only disruptive because they were both laughing so hard. They spent a couple of hours there talking over coffee, and when they finally left, Clarke made sure to shoot him an ‘I told you so’ look from across the room.

Raven fit into the group seamlessly at the party, but he was convinced that she was some kind of evil mastermind, because she dominated at Kings. It wasn’t a strategy game, but she somehow succeeded in getting Clarke and O so drunk that he didn’t feel safe with them walking home. She also managed to get Miller wasted, but they managed to get him into bed with little incident. Raven remained safely at tipsy and Bellamy felt comfortable letting Monty and Jasper work out how to get her back to Clarke’s dorm.

There were only a few stragglers that needed to be kicked out after Clarke and O fell onto his couch together. Clarke had her arm around O’s waist and they were in the middle of a very serious conversation about whether or not jogging was a valid form of exercise. It took a minute to get their attention to ask if they wanted to relocate to his room. Clarke announced very loudly that he still couldn’t get her into bed, which made O start to make fake barfing sounds. Shaking his head, he left them to their giggles while he grabbed a couple blankets and pillows. Moments like these made him grateful that he had a roommate (Harper) who was smart enough to own these things.

While he fully intended to move them to his room and sleep on the couch, he returned to find them arguing over which one of them got to keep the couch. Clarke was attempting to climb over Octavia who rolled back and flattened Clarke on the couch.

“No, you get to keep the couch,” Octavia mumbled. “You’re the big spoon. It’s in your contract.”

“I am not a big spoon, O. What are you talking about?”

“You are a big spoon, Clarke. You are.”

He chuckled quietly and watched them argue until Octavia rolled off the couch onto the floor with a loud thud. That startled them both into fits of laughter and he had his hands full for a few minutes trying to get them to calm back down. He hated to ask Clarke to stop until she stole a pillow from him and threw it at his head. Octavia stopped laughing so abruptly he was a little worried she was about to be sick. Instead, after swaying in place for a few seconds, she hauled herself up on the coffee table, knocked a few empty bottles onto the floor, yanked a pillow and a blanket out of his hands, and curled up.

With another shake of his head, he sat down next to Clarke on the couch. She was less easy to get back into a sleeping position. She kept pushing Bellamy’s hands away and laughing. “This isn’t my bed, Bellamy.”

“No, Clarke, it’s my couch.”

“Why isn’t it my bed?”

“Because you’re really drunk and you can’t even walk home.”

“Do you remember the time I had to pick you up?”

He couldn’t help but smile when she smiled up at him. “That was only a few month ago, Princess.”

“You don’t call me Princess like you used to,” Clarke whispered, poking him on the nose and laughing loudly.

“What do you mean?” He grabbed her hand and pushed it down to the couch, covering it with his own.

“You used to haaate me and it always sounded mean.”

“Well, what does it sound like now?”

She shrugged and let herself fall back. He had to scoot forward when she kicked her legs out behind him, but leaned back to trap her feet against the couch when she kept nudging his back. “I don’t know. But it doesn’t sound mean anymore.”

“Well, that’s a very weird thing to say, Clarke.” He got her to lift her head up so he could set a pillow on the couch, but he had to pull his hand away when she tried to snuggle with his arm. It was kind of cute when she sighed and laid her head down, burying her face into the pillow.

“Will you tuck me in?” Her voice was muffled.

Bellamy nodded and tucked the blanket into the back of the couch, but not the front, in case she woke up and needed to throw up in the middle of the night. Her breathing evened out quickly after that and she looked so peaceful. He shook himself, because it was creepy to be staring at one of his best friends while she slept. He had only watched Miller sleep one time, and that was because he needed to prove that he was sleepwalking in the middle of the night. Before he went to bed, he made sure to put a couple water bottles near the girls, along with the small trashcan from the bathroom. It was better to be safe than sorry.

When he finally got to his room, he wasn’t lucky enough to be able to throw himself into his bed like he hoped. Raven was sitting there, gripping the edge of the bed so tight her knuckles were white.

“What are you doing in here? This is my room.”

“I know.”

“I thought Monty and Jasper were taking you back to Clarke and O’s dorm.”

Raven stood up and shoved her hands into the pockets of her hoodie. “I didn’t want to be alone.” She paused and he leaned back against his desk. “Do you think Clarke is going to give Finn another chance?”

Bellamy scoffed. Finn showed up for about fifteen minutes that night. Clarke talked to him out in the hallway, and he didn’t know what was said, but the exchange ended with a hug. The shadow that had been hanging over her for the better part of the last month and a half had lightened afterward, too. His stomach twisted again. He had been able to push his discomfort away earlier, but Raven’s question caused it to come flooding back.

“You’ve mistaken me for someone who cares. It’s time to move on.” He turned to straighten his desk for a moment and gather himself again. When he turned back, she was sitting back on the bed again, unzipping her boots and kicking them off. “What are you doing?”

She pulled off her hoodie, revealing a brown low-cut tank top he thought might have belonged to Clarke, and then stood to unbutton her jeans. “I need to move on. I’m moving on. I’ve never been with anyone but Finn, which I think might be making that more difficult.” He just watched as she kicked off her jeans. She approached him slowly, took her long hair out of its ponytail and shook it out. “Take off your clothes.” He just stared at her, unsure of the right move. He couldn’t deny that she was attractive as hell, but Clarke and O were right outside. “Fine. I’ll go first.”

Bellamy kept his eyes locked on hers as she pulled her shirt over her head and tossed it on top of her jeans. She wasn’t wearing a bra. He swallowed hard, glancing down at the floor while he ran through all the factors of the situation in his head. Raven was hurting. She wanted a rebound. And it struck him in that moment that he hadn’t had sex in… months.  There weren’t any emotions involved between the two of them. That much was clear when he finally made eye contact again. “If you’re looking for someone to talk you down, tell you that you’re just upset and not thinking straight, I’m not that guy.”

She stared back at him and he found himself hoping that she wouldn’t falter, because he needed this, too, in a way. He needed to prove that nothing in his life had changed and that his four month dry spell had nothing to do with… anything. So, when she said, “Good,” and kissed him desperately, he dug one hand in her hair and wrapped the other arm around her waist.

She was soft and warm and it was easy to pick her up to walk them back to his bed. She had claimed a lack of experience, but she was a fast learner. Eager, responsive, and she bit down on his shoulder when she came. He rubbed his eyes, breathing hard, as she rolled away. By the time he looked up at her, she already had her shirt back on and was pulling on her pants. He didn’t feel better. She _certainly_ didn’t feel better. Tension rolled off her in waves and she cursed every time she tripped trying to pull her pants up quickly.

He needed to say something. Anything. “Did that help?”

She finished buttoning her pants, folded her hoodie over her arm, and avoided looking at him. “No.”

“Raven.” She hesitated at the door. “You can, uh… you can sleep in here, if you want. I’ll go sleep in the living room with Clarke and O.”

Her body tensed up again at the mention of Clarke. “It’s fine. I’ll sleep with them.”

He swung his legs over the side. At first, he intended to go grab her an extra blanket, but stopped when he realized he was still naked. “First door after the bathroom. There are pillows and blankets.” She opened the door and closed it behind her quietly. Once it was shut, he threw himself back down on to his bed and covered his head with a pillow. “Fuck.”

* * *

The next morning, Octavia borrowed his toothbrush, which he promptly threw away, and Raven and Clarke both used extras that Harper had materialized out of thin air. They texted Monty and Jasper so that they could go out for breakfast as a group. He watched as Raven interacted with everyone else. She laughed particularly hard at the story about Miller and Bellamy both punching Finn and pushed Clarke gently. “You’re a lucky girl! All these people looking out for you, it’s amazing.”

When everyone was heading toward the front to leave, she pulled him aside. “I’m sorry about last night,” she whispered.

He glanced around before responding. The others were shuffling out the front door. “No big deal.”

“Clarke just mentioned how you’re kind of a serial dater, never settling down, and I thought….”

He frowned. He knew that was the impression he gave people, but it felt a little weird to hear that it was what Clarke thought of him. “You thought I’d be good for rebound sex. You’re a big girl. You can say it.”

She punched him in the shoulder. “Ugh. If you’re going to be crude about it, I’m not sorry.”

He shrugged and smiled at her. “No take-backs.”

“Are you a child?”

“Sometimes.”

They agreed, quietly, as they followed everyone else out, that it was indeed a one-time thing. He worried that he had agreed a little too quickly to not share with everyone, but before she could say anything else, Clarke and O were calling for her and she had to run after them to catch up. They each put an arm around her and he watched them laugh together as they walked toward their car.

* * *

**_Raven Reyes_ ** _and **Clarke Griffin** are now friends_  
**_Octavia Blake_ ** _and **Raven Reyes** are now friends_  
**_Monty Green_ ** _and **Raven Reyes** are now friends_  
**_Jasper Jordan_ ** _and **Raven Reyes** are now friends_  
**_Nathan Miller_ ** _and **Raven Reyes** are now friends_  
**_Harper McIntyre_ ** _and **Raven Reyes** are now friends_  
**_Bellamy Blake_ ** _and **Raven Reyes** are now friends_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TBH, I'm not happy with this chapter. I rewrote everything, because I wanted to make it clear that Raven wasn't drunk when she made this decision (and it really wasn't clear at first). But then I started rewriting the rest of it, and I kept rewriting it. I'm still not happy with all of it. OH WELL. I don't want to edit it anymore. The subject matter makes me uncomfortable, because I've been in Raven's shoes and I know exactly how she felt after her attempt at a rebound. It's painful stuff and sucky memories, and I think I was in such a rush to get this parallel to canon over with that I didn't do it justice. I almost took it out, but it does inform later parts of the story and I didn't want to rewrite those. So here it is! I hope everyone liked it more than I do. ;)


	34. Chapter 34

Clarke hadn’t looked forward to winter break. It was hard to admit, but she had been thinking about everything that Bellamy had said about Wells over the last month. Every free moment that she had, his words came back to her. Why _would_ Wells have gone to her dad? Her behavior at the time hadn’t been a new development. It had been obvious that Wells had been worried about her that night, but he was just as drunk as she was. If he called her parents, he would have been caught, too. When she actually thought about it, that hadn’t been her father’s parenting style, anyway. But she knew whose it was.

On Christmas Eve, she waited for her mom and Thelonious to head off to Marcus’s annual holiday party. When they finally pulled out of the driveway, she was off the couch and next door before she could convince herself to stay. She paced in front of the door and almost talked herself into leaving twice. Even after she finally rang the doorbell, she almost ran away. When Wells opened the door, his jaw dropped.

“My dad isn’t here.”

Clarke pushed past him into the entryway. “Yeah. Our parents are at the same party. Remember?”

He stayed silent and studied her while she paced around the foyer, fidgeting with her nails. Face to face, the things she had to say seemed impossible, because it was _so_ obvious that she had been an asshole for the past two and a half years. Her throat felt like it was closing up as she was suddenly holding back tears.

“I know I probably don’t deserve it, but I need to know the truth.” She hesitated. “It wasn’t you, was it? It had to be my mom.” Tears surfaced in his eyes and he glanced down at the floor. “I didn’t want to believe it. It didn’t make sense. How did she even know where we were? So I couldn’t.” Her voice started to break. “I blamed you because my father’s dead and it’s my mother’s fault. I mean, it's... it's my fault, too, isn’t it?” He barely met her eyes, but what she saw was confirmation enough. “Wells, please….”

“I knew how you would feel,” he said roughly. “I didn’t want you to blame your mom… to blame yourself. We were all making stupid decisions at the time and I wanted to—“

“To protect me.” She wanted to laugh, but a few tears escaped instead. “So, you let me hate you.”

“What are friends for?”

His face was so open and relieved, and that was what broke her in the end. Tears started to stream down her cheeks, but she didn’t care. It was Wells. He had seen worse from her. “How can you forgive me?”

“Come on, Clarke. This… this is already done. There’s nothing to forgive.”

The dam broke. Any tears she had managed to hold back couldn’t be stopped anymore. It was barely seconds before his arms were around her. She dug her hands into his shirt and they stood in silence, except for the occasional sniffle, for a long time.

A half hour later, Wells sat on her bed while she packed up a couple of suitcases. It almost made her happy. It would have made her happy if she wasn’t so angry with her mother. There may have been a time Clarke could have comforted her mother, instead, told her not to blame herself, because she was just trying to protect her daughter. But allowing a child you watched grow up take the blame for something that wasn’t his fault so he could keep their family intact was a step too far. It seemed impossible that she could look him in the face, knowing what he was shouldering for her, and not flinch. Clarke had no idea how Wells had tolerated that over the years, but it was unacceptable.

Wells flopped over onto his stomach and grabbed a picture off of her nightstand. “We’ve really got a lot to catch up on,” he said lightly. It was like pounds of tension had been lifted off of his shoulders. “You can just hide in my closet. It’ll be just like old times.”

 “Ha ha.” She threw an unpaired sock at him and closed up one suitcase. “One? My car in your driveway isn’t exactly stealthy. Two? Your dad would totally rat me out.”

He laughed and waved the picture in the air. “Do you want to take this?” She crossed the room and sat down next to him. It was a picture of her and O and Monty and Jasper. “You look really happy. Like you’ve found a good group of friends.”

 “They’re great people.” Clarke hesitated for a minute. She wanted him to meet them. But with everything that she’d said to Octavia…. It didn’t matter. Octavia was adaptable. “Bellamy… you know the guy from the coffee shop?” Wells nodded. “Well, he and his roommates always throw a back to school party after the holidays. You’ll meet them everyone there.”

Wells grinned. “Deal. So, where are the pictures of the boyfriend?”

Clarke groaned and fell back onto her bed. “God, there really is too much for us to catch up on. Long story short, Finn… well, Finn sucked. Can we get coffee on Saturday? I’ll tell you all about it.”

He stood and crossed the room, setting the picture on top of her clothes before he shut the suitcase for her. “Of course. And you can call me when you get where you’re going. Which is where, by the way?”

* * *

It was the worst idea she ever had. She was sure. One-hundred percent certain. It was Christmas Eve and she was about to barge in and interrupt a family moment. She hadn’t even thought to text until she was already five minutes away. On top of everything else, she had started crying in the car again, so her face was doomed to being red and splotchy from rubbing at it.

_Fuck._

Halfway up the walk, she turned around and rushed back to her car, fully intending to figure something else out. Maybe she could have Wells pick her up at school, leave her car in the parking lot, and somehow get away with hiding in his closet after all. Unfortunately, she only got her door open before a car pulled into the driveway and she was discovered. Bellamy swung out of the car, a grocery bag over one arm.

“Clarke?” He stopped in his tracks. “What are you doing here?”

“Ugh. I don’t know. I didn’t know where else to go.”

Bellamy closed the distance and dropped the bag at her feet. His brow furrowed as he touched her cheek, but he pulled his hand away quickly. “Have you been crying?”

Clarke opened her mouth to give him any excuse, but with the dome light on in her car, he could see into the backseat of her car.

“Are those suitcases?”

Clarke felt her entire face flush and she sat down in the driver’s seat. Bellamy kneeled down in front of her and set his hands on her knees, peering up into her eyes with overwhelming concern.

“Hey. What happened, Clarke?’

She leaned her head against the seat and studied his face. If the whole evening hadn’t been so emotionally draining, she might have laughed at the whole situation. This time last year, she would have never expected to see him looking at her like that. Or to have been the reason she was in this situation to begin with. “I talked to Wells.”

“Oh. So, naturally, you moved out?” His eye roll was softened by a smile.

Clarke smiled back sadly. He still didn’t know what had happened with her dad. She wasn’t ready to tell him, even if he had become one of her best friends. Even Octavia only knew the basic details. “It turns out he was, uh… well, my mom let him take the blame for something that wasn’t his fault. So, I don’t really feel like looking at her right now.”

The lack of information did not even phase him. He grinned and patted her on the knees, looped the grocery bag back over his arm, and grabbed both of her suitcases out of the backseat before she knew what he was doing. He was halfway up the sidewalk before he turned back and shouted, “You coming, Princess?”

As soon as he opened the front door, he shouted for O and left her in the front hall with her luggage. Octavia’s expression changed from annoyed sibling to concerned, yet happy friend as she trotted down the stairs in her pajamas. She rushed Clarke upstairs and helped her put her suitcases away before she even asked what was wrong. Bellamy knocked on the door after a few minutes to let them know that Aurora said she could stay with them as long as she needed to.

“She says it’s good you’re here, anyway, because she has a Christmas present for you. This way you won’t have to wait for school to start back up to get it.”

Bellamy left to change and Clarke took his absence as an opportunity to change as well. Octavia ran downstairs to get cookies and milk. The three of them ate on Octavia’s floor. Clarke only had to sleep in Octavia’s room for that night, because Bellamy was going home to his apartment the next night. He promised to make sure his room wasn’t too horrifying when he left, since it was about to be her home for the foreseeable future.

Much later, as Clarke burrowed into the sheets next to Octavia, she knew she made the right choice.

* * *

Bellamy, Harper, Jasper, Monty, Nate, Octavia, Raven  
Group MMS

 **Monty**  
_Merry Christmas everyone! Clarke, you win Christmas. You might need to draw more of these._

 **Jasper**  
_Yes, please do! We both had to make copies for our parents. They love them so much!_

 **Clarke**  
_Sure thing. I can draw more originals if you give me an address to send them to._

 **Harper**  
_Oooooh, what did you guys get? I was an awesome, high-powered lawyer._

 **Monty**  
_We're mad scientists._

 **Jasper**  
_And there was a HUGE explosion behind us! So, totally true to life._

 **Octavia**  
_She drew me as a HIP-HOP DANCER! Which is amazing, because I am shit at hip-hop! It’s like a dream come true!_

 **Nathan**  
_Why am I hugging a dog in my picture?_

 **Clarke**  
_You specifically told me two months ago that you want to be a part of the K9 unit when you become a cop._

 **Harper**  
_He loves it, Clarke. Don’t listen to him. I bet he hangs it up on his wall._

 **Nathan**  
_Shut up, Harper._  

 **Harper**  
_Are you saying I’m wrong?_

 **Nathan**  
_No. I’m just trying to be manly._  

 **Raven**  
_Am I a fairy god-mechanic?_

 **Clarke**  
_Well… your email address gave me the idea. I hope it’s okay._

 **Raven**  
_Are you kidding?! It’s weird as shit and I love it. It’s so amazing!!!_

 **Clarke**  
_Phew! I was really nervous_

 **Bellamy**  
_Damn, Princess, I thought I was special._

 **Nathan**  
_What the hell would give you that idea, dude?_

 **Bellamy**  
_I’m not hurt at all that I’m not special enough to be the sole owner of a Clarke Griffin original._

 **Nathan**  
_You’re a loser. Don’t come home._  

 **Clarke**  
_I thought you liked it…_

 **Bellamy**  
_Are you kidding me? I’m a fucking Roman emperor. Of course I love it._

 **Raven**  
_Clarke_ _, did you have to draw him as something that was just going to inflate his ego?_

 **Octavia**  
_Seriously. I blame you for what this is going to do to us all._

 **Harper**  
_Bellamy Blake_ _, you better leave that attitude at your mom’s house._

 **Bellamy**  
_I am a goddamn emperor. My subjects will bow down to me._

 **Clarke**  
_Technically, you’re just a statue of an emperor._

 **Bellamy**  
_Same diff. I’m the ruler of you all._

 **Clarke**  
_I will redraw your picture if you don’t stop._

 **Bellamy**  
_BOW DOWN._

 **Clarke**  
_STOP_

 **Bellamy**  
_My subjects are a little mouthy._

 **Clarke**  
_I’m going to draw you as a gladiator getting eaten by a lion_

 **Bellamy**  
_At least I’ll still be a BAD-ASS!_

 **Octavia**  
_I think you guys are making mom uncomfortable._  
_Stop just sitting there on the couch playing on your phones and giggling like children._  
_Stop it right now._  
_You're making everyone uncomfortable._

 **Clarke**  
_But I made such a good start on the new picture….._

 **Bellamy**  
_Show me right now! Your emperor demands it!_  
_I have never wanted to be eaten by a lion more in my life.  
This lion is terrifying looking._

 **Octavia**  
_Oh. My. God._  
_You two are ridiculous._

 **Raven**  
_Seconded._

 **Nathan**  
_Seconded._  
_Damn it, Raven._  
_Thirded_

 **Monty**  
_Fourthed_

 **Harper**  
_Fifthed_

 **Jasper**  
_PLEASE TEXT ME THE PICTURE OF BELLAMY GETTING EATEN BY A LION IMMEDIATELY_  
_AND DO IT FOR ME NEXT!!!_

* * *

Christmas came and went and Clarke ignored her mother’s multiple calls, texts, and emails. Bellamy was true to his word. He even made a big show out of changing the sheets in his room and moved her suitcases in there before he left. She had been a little tempted to stay in O’s room until the dorms opened back up, but couldn’t come up with a convincing reason. Telling Octavia that it felt a little too intimate to sleep in Bellamy’s bed seemed weird. And it would be nice to be able to give her some space.

Everything in his room smelled like him and it was overwhelming. The first night, she laid in bed and thought about how they got to this point of their relationship. She wondered when his support would stop being such a surprise. Their ‘rivalry’ seemed to be a part of someone else’s life and while Octavia was still her best friend, it didn’t feel wrong to apply that title to Bellamy as well. He was always the one she seemed to run into when she was having a problem and he always seemed to be able, and willing, to take care of her. Having him in her life was comforting and it was _so easy_ to fall asleep on a pillow that smelled like him, because it was _calming_. That scared her a little.

The best part of the current state of upheaval her life was in was being able to see Wells again. She took him to Grounders when Bellamy was working and they stayed there for his entire shift. It wasn’t enough time to go over every detail of their lives for the last two years, but it was a start. Bellamy looked a little unsure when Clarke asked him to sit with them after his shift was over. He stayed, anyway, and she was glad, because he and Wells quickly formed an easy relationship. The conversation flowed easily, even though Bellamy kept throwing her smug looks. It was true that she wouldn’t have gotten here without his involvement, but he was clearly not going to let her forget about it any time soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm slowly losing my lead with chapters, so updates are going to come a little more slowly. I can promise that I have a majority of this fic written (including the ending) and I'm just stuck on a chapter that's super depressing. I'm almost done with it, but it's been hard to write. I hate causing these people pain. I've made a conscious effort to cause them as little pain as possible, because seriously? This show? It stresses me out (in a good way) every week. I mean, I toyed with the idea of having Raven get into a work accident and hurting her leg, but really, I just want to write them all as happy as possible. I'll probably have a little more to say on this in a few chapters, but no spoilers. ;)
> 
> BTW - we're approximately halfway done! I haven't updated the chapter count to reflect that for a couple reasons. I've actually combined a few shorter chapters to make them longer, but I've also had some more fun ideas and added some chapters. So while I have a general idea of where we're at number-wise, I don't want to update the numbers until I'm sure.
> 
> Anyway, thanks to all of you who are sticking with this and leaving kudos and commenting and talking to me on Tumblr! I love you all. If anyone else wants to come hang out on [Tumblr](http://ilovethisship.tumblr.com/)!, I wouldn't object!


	35. Chapter 35

Clarke glanced up at Bellamy the third time Miller grunted in his sleep. He rolled his eyes so hard it had to hurt and Clarke hid a laugh behind her hand. Everyone else had voted for this stupid paranormal ghost movie and they _all_ fell asleep. Monty was asleep in front of the armchair, Jasper was sprawled out _in_ the armchair, but Miller was on the couch, and he was the one Clarke was the most surprised at. He had lobbied the hardest for the movie. Harper and Octavia had somehow both managed to lay with part of themselves on him; Harper on the floor with her head leaning on his knee, while Octavia was laying across both Miller and Bellamy. Bellamy motioned for her to follow him and gently extricated himself out from under O’s feet, then grabbed a couple things from the counter and led her outside onto the balcony.

“This is a horrible game.” Bellamy grinned as he poured equal parts rum and coke into two glasses.

Clarke took a sip and frowned. “Well, you’re a horrible bartender.”

“There needs to be some actual risk here, Clarke.”

About forty-five minutes later, they had managed to get mostly tipsy through cheap shots in a game of ‘Never Have I Ever’. The game ended up functioning as a way to get to know each other a little more deeply without it feeling like an intimate conversation. They talked everything from childhood pets to their first relationships to when they lost their virginity. She had to admit to her mild crush on a girl in her painting class, which led to a discussion about her parents’ reaction to her coming out as bi when she was fifteen.

She tried to get him with ‘Never have I ever slept with someone I had no intention of being in a relationship with.’ He had to drink, but it led into a conversation about how in love he was with the first girl he slept with. Clarke thought about asking him to elaborate, but his face was dark, so she kicked him before taking her own sip, exaggerating the motion to make him laugh.

He tried to get her with ‘Never have I ever been the valedictorian at my high school.’ Her grumble through her drink was cut off when he took a drink as well. She was pretty sure her eyes almost fell out of her head. He smirked and she decided she wanted to wipe that stupid smirk off his face.

“Never have I ever gotten turned on in our human sexuality class.” Bellamy choked on his drink and Clarke grinned when he glared at her. “Sometimes you get a little flushed around your ears when the professor is talking. That’s your tell.”

“Fine.” He took another drink. “Never have I ever been sure what I wanted to do with my life.”

“What would you say if I told you that I _don’t_ know what I want?”

“Bullshit. I’d say you were lying to get out of drinking.”

Clarke glared at him. “But now I don’t _hate_ pre-med and I actually really like working in the clinic.”

“But,” he pointed a finger at her, “it’s not making you doubt your desire to be an artist, is it?”

“Well, no, but—“

“Drink.”

“But—“

“I win. Drink.”

Clarke tried to shoot him her evilest look as she took a drink. That was when she noticed that they were both sitting with their legs dangling through the railings. It made her panic a little. She had been _incredibly_ drunk the last time she assumed this position. It looked a lot more dangerous in the slightly-more-sober darkness of night. Bellamy smiled as though he could read her mind and let his forehead rest against the railing.

“This really is a comfortable position,” he said.

“And super dangerous. How are you not worried that we’re going to fall?”

“Are you calling me fat, Princess?” He brought a hand up to his chest with a look of mock offense. “I resent the implication. I work out four times a week.”

“Hush.”

Clarke bumped his shoulder with her own and he smiled, leaning back to grab more rum for her cup. “It just means that you haven’t had enough to drink.”

“Are you trying to get me drunk, Blake?”

“You know it, Griffin.”

She stuck her tongue out at him and took another sip. He was ridiculous. But something he said stuck with her. “So, you’re really not sure what you want to do?”

He shrugged. “I love history. I’m glad I picked it. But what am I supposed to _do_ with it?”

Clarke scooted back a little before she pulled her phone out, unwilling to risk the drop, and immediately searched for ‘history degree uses’ on her phone. She scanned the list, mostly unimpressed, because she knew Bellamy could do so much better than most of this. She felt the grin light up on her face when she reached the bottom of the page though. “I found it! You’ll be a lawyer."

He made a face and she laughed. “No way.”

“Yes way. You’re great at arguing. It’s perfect.”

“Veto.”

“Ugh, fine.” She scrolled back up the list a bit. “What about looking at museums?”

“Are you asking me on a date?” He wiggled his eyebrows at her and she bumped him with her shoulder again.

“You wish. Have you thought about looking into _working_ at a museum?”

He shrugged again. “I kind of thought about it. I’m worried it would end up being boring.”

“But you could research all your fun history facts and get paid for it! And no one would be pretending to be interested in the weird shit you say!”

“I don’t know. It might be interesting. Next suggestion?”

“Ooooh, what if you were like Indiana Jones?”

“He wasn’t a historian, Clarke.”

“What? Yes he was.”

“He was an _archaeology_ professor.”

All of a sudden, a picture of Bellamy standing at the front of a classroom in a tweed jacket, bowtie, glasses, and khaki pants, and she started laughing hysterically. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t get rid of the image. Bellamy nudged her with his foot and the frown on his face just made her laugh harder.

“What the hell is so funny?”

Clarke could hardly breathe, so speaking normally was just out of the question. “You…. Tweed… Glasses…. Oh my god, the bowtie….”

Bellamy laughed uncomfortably. “I don’t even know what you’re saying.”

“I just….” She tried to take a deep breath to calm herself down. It helped. A little. “I pictured you like Indiana Jones in the beginning when he’s dressed up in his professor clothes.”

“Because he _is_ a professor.”

“Yeah,” she laughed again. “But it’s so funny.”

“To picture me as a teacher?”

“No!” He sounded offended, and embarrassment took over her. She didn’t want to offend him when they had been having so much fun. “That’s not that hard, actually. It was… it was the outfit.”

“But you can picture me as a teacher,” he said, face deadpan.

She shrugged. “Well, yeah. I mean, you’re always forcing some random history factoid of the day on all of us. Hell, Miller won’t even let us watch historical fiction with you anymore, because you’re so obnoxious about it.”

“You guys watch historical fiction without me?!”

“That’s hardly the point, Bellamy.” She pushed him and he pretended to fall back, clutching an empty cup to his chest. He stared up at nothing for a few moments and hardly glanced over when she laid down next to him.

“So, you don’t think it’d be weird if I was a teacher?”

Clarke smiled even though he couldn’t see her. When she forced herself not to think of him in argyle with tortoise-shell framed glasses, it actually _wasn’t_ hard to picture. “Well, look at how much Jasper and Monty adore you. You’re smart and you’re driven and kids would probably love you, because you can be a dumbass, too. Even though you drive us crazy, everyone listens to you most of the time.”

“Except you.”

“Well, I’m a princess. I don’t have to.” He elbowed her and she let her head fall to the side to look at him. He was looking at her, too, something unreadable on his face. “What?”

“Thanks, Princess.”

“For what?”

“Immediately leaping into action? I don’t know.”

“You’re being weird.”

“ _You’re_ being weird.”

“Very mature, Bellamy.”

“I never said—“

“Stop. Stop it right now. Maybe you _should_ be a teacher purely so that you’ll be around people on your level.”

“I thought you said I was smart!”

The door to the living room slid open and they both jumped. Miller leaned through the door, studying the scene in front of him. He frowned when he saw the open bottle of alcohol still resting by the railing. “I can’t believe you didn’t wake me up when you started drinking.”

* * *

 **Nathan Miller**  
Jan 17 at 10:27pm  
_I would like to take this moment to thank **Clarke** and **Bellamy** for not drawing on our faces while we were sleeping, and instead taking the opportunity to get shit-faced on the balcony…. You see what happens when you don’t show up, **Wells**? – with **Harper McIntyre** , **Octavia Blake** , **Jasper Jordan** , and **Monty Green**_

 **Clarke Griffin:** _We weren’t drunk!_  
**Bellamy Blake:** _We were tipsy at most._  
**Nathan Miller:** _Whatever. I know what I saw._  
**Wells Jaha:** _Shit. I always miss drunk **Clarke**. My life sucks._  
**Clarke Griffin:** _Well, don’t skip movie night FOR A DATE next time!_  
**Octavia Blake:** _Ooooooooooooooooooooooh_  
**Harper McIntyre:** _Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh_  
**Jasper Jordan:** _Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooh_  
**Wells Jaha:** _Stop_.  
**Bellamy Blake:** _Hey. One of us has to get laid around here. May as well be the senator._  
**Wells Jaha:** _Damn right._  
**Bellamy Blake:** _Get it._  
**Clarke Griffin:** _I’m starting to think that_ you’re _the one hooking up with **Wells** , **Bellamy**._  
**Wells Jaha:** _You’re just jealous._  
**Nathan Miller:** _Jealousy is not a pretty color on you, **Clarke**._  
**Bellamy Blake:** _I can’t help it. He’s smooth. He’s the Denzel of our generation._  
**Octavia Blake:** _Oh my god._  
**Clarke Griffin:** _You’re not even in our generation, **Bellamy**._  
**Monty Green:** _Get a room._  
**Raven Reyes:** _Holy shit. What did I miss?_  
**Octavia Blake: _Nathan_** _, **Bellamy** , and **Wells** have this weird threesome going on and none of us know how to handle it._  
**Nathan Miller:** _Hey. Don’t involve me in this._  
**Harper McIntyre:** _Please. You’re just as involved as **Bellamy**._  
**Raven Reyes:** _Well, I am officially excited to visit and meet him._  
**Bellamy Blake: _Nathan_** _, you’re so involved it’s not even funny._  
**Nathan Miller:** _Not as involved as you and **Clarke** on the balcony last night. AM I RIGHT OR AM I RIGHT_  
**Octavia Blake:** _WHAT?!_  
**Monty Green:** _WHAT?!_  
**Raven Reyes:** _WHAT?!?!?!?!?!!?!_  
**Jasper Jordan:** _WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN HOLDING BACK FROM ME?!_  
**Harper McIntyre:** _WHAT?!_  
**Wells Jaha:** _WHAT?!?!?! **Clarke** , do we need to have a talk about safe sex?_  
**Octavia Blake: _WELLS_** _, DON’T SAY THAT WHEN IT’S REFERENCING MY BROTHER EVER AGAIN_  
**Bellamy Blake:** _Oh my god._  
**Clarke Griffin:** _We were just drinking on the balcony._  
**Wells Jaha:** _Right… I knew **Bellamy** was cheating on me.._  
**Bellamy Blake:** _Seriously?_  
**Jasper Jordan:** _Uh-huh. I feel so betrayed right now._  
**Monty Green:** _Stop it, **Jasper**._  
**Bellamy Blake:** _We were talking about MY CAREER, you guys._  
**Nathan Miller:** _While laying on the ground??_  
**Raven Reyes:** _Suuuuuuuuuuuuure_  
**Bellamy Blake:** _Oh god._  
**Clarke Griffin:** _I hate you, **Nathan**._  
**Nathan Miller:** _You love me._


	36. Chapter 36

Bellamy was surprised by how well Clarke was handling the subject material in their class. It wasn’t until after the first week (when they spent what he thought was a little too much time discussing human anatomy) that he realized that it probably didn’t faze her because her mother was a _doctor_. That was also when he realized how lucky he was that they were able to be in a group together. Of course, he occasionally had to hold his breath or pinch his leg through his pocket and pretend that someone else was talking about the things she was talking about, but she was smart as hell. He couldn’t have asked for a better teammate.

The thing that drove him the craziest, though, was the fact that her painting class let out literally right before their class. She would always rush in and he knew that she had run most of the way, because her cheeks would be flushed, her hair would be falling out of her ponytail a little, and she had always inevitably missed a spot of paint somewhere on her person. Each class started that way, with her dashing in and sliding into the seat next to him with a breathy grin. They had maybe a couple minutes to talk, and if he noticed it right away, he’d tease her about the paint spot. But sometimes he didn’t notice until it was too late to tell her to get rid of it.

It wasn’t like he was _staring_ at her. If he was going to stare at someone, there’s no way it would be Clarke. Not that she wasn’t objectively attractive, but it was _Clarke_. He always focused on the lecture, but sometimes, she’d rub her forearm, or cross and uncross her legs, and he would start watching her out of the corner of his eye. This time, it was the way she kept tucking the same piece of hair behind her left ear and it would fall out after a few seconds. He was watching her do that for about the hundredth time, the lecture about human sexuality and the way it was adapted in each culture going in one ear and out the other, when he noticed it.

Really, it was stupid, but that green smudge drove him crazy. Not because it was there, but because he couldn’t understand why he was so fucking focused on the thing. But he stared at it and he could see the way she must have been trying to fix her hair and her thumb must have had paint on it, because it was a thin smudge that trailed into her hair. And then she turned to face him and smiled. He panicked for a moment until she spoke. “You ready for this?”

He realized she hadn’t caught him thinking about what it would look like if she… with the paint… she had asked him a question. “Uh… what am I supposed to be ready for?”

Clarke rolled her eyes at him. “You can’t keep depending on my notes to get you through this class, Bellamy. Are you ready to talk about our project?”

Oh, god. It was bad enough that he had to listen to her talk about sex when they were in the classroom, and when they studied before their tests, but now he had to hear her talk about it even more. He thought he would have become desensitized to it, because it was _Clarke_ and taking this class with her shouldn’t have been that hard for him. “Sorry, I was focused on what a hot mess you are right now.” He groaned internally. ‘Hot mess’ was one of the stupidest phrases on the planet, yet it had fallen out of his mouth like word vomit. And she was pissed.

“Fucking hell, Bellamy,” she whispered. “Are you ever just going to bring it up like an adult? Where is it?” He tapped the spot under his left ear and she pulled a compact out of her bag to check for the offending mark. One time she had come in with paint down her shirt. He flushed remembering that. She had been kicked out of the classroom for the day, because she threw her textbook at him when he finally brought it up. When she found the mark, she let out a sigh that was really more of a growl and pulled a wipe out of her bag next.

Before he could stop himself, he leaned forward and grabbed it out of her hand. “Let me help.”

Clarke raised a brow at him before she turned slightly to the side. He tried to scoot his chair closer, but it still felt like an awkward angle, so he used his toe to pull Clarke’s chair closer to him. She let out a squeak and he chuckled under his breath as he pushed her hair out of the way gently. Breathing was a little difficult as he tenderly wiped the paint away. Every time he inhaled, he could smell the mixture of paint and lilacs that was Clarke. It was easy to ignore whatever attraction he was developing when she was at least five feet away. It was easier when she was in a completely different room. When she was practically settled between his legs and he had his fingers in her hair, it took more willpower than he had ever needed before to pretend that he wasn’t attracted to his best friend. He had to convince himself nothing was there, because she was smart. She would figure it out. It was already painfully obvious that she would never look at him as more than a friend who happened to be her best friend’s asshole of an older brother.

He didn’t realize he was holding his breath until after he was done wiping the paint away from behind her ear and she gave him the weirdest look when he exhaled heavily.

“There’s paint in your hair,” he said dumbly. “I can’t get it out.”

She rolled her eyes again. “It’ll come out in the shower later. Can we just start talking about the project?”

He sighed and the absence of her was heavy when she scooted away. He didn’t need to think about her in the shower, either. Fuck, this project was going to be hard.


	37. Chapter 37

“What is wrong with you?!” Bellamy didn’t know how to answer Clarke. He just laughed harder. Every time she said ‘penis’ or something relating to male genitalia, he couldn’t help himself. It was almost like his subconscious was trying to protect him from thinking about what she was saying by reverting to middle school. “How can you make it through the lecture, but you can’t make it through twenty minutes of our project?”  

Clarke looked _so_ angry, and sure, warning lights were flashing, but he _couldn’t stop_. To be fair, it hadn’t even started with her saying penis. As soon as he had to read a passage out loud for her and stumbled over the word ‘erection,’ he had stopped functioning. “Just say the fucking word.” Bellamy covered his mouth and shook his head. “Say erection.” He tried not to, but he snorted into his hand. “Say penis!”

His burst of laughter was cut off by the door slamming. They both turned to find Harper standing there with her arms crossed and her laptop bag at her feet. “What the hell did I just walk in on?”

“How long have you been standing in there?” Bellamy asked, the same time Clarke said, “Nothing!”

Harper moved her hands to her hips and opened her mouth, but was cut off by Clarke dropping a book into her bag heavily. Bellamy held up a finger to Harper and then grabbed onto the strap of Clarke’s backpack. “Come on, Princess. Don’t be like that.”

“I can’t focus here.” She threw another book in her bag. “And neither can you.”

“Clarke—“

She yanked the strap of her bag out of his hand and slung it over her shoulder. “I’ll be in the library for,” she paused to check her watch, “the next three hours. If you grow up between now and then, you’re welcome to join me.”

Bellamy could feel Harper’s eyes boring into him, even as Clarke brushed past her and the door slammed. Again. He rubbed his eyes and sighed. “Don’t even start.”

When he looked up, he expected to see her glaring. He was surprised when it looked like she was actually holding back laughter. “I never thought I’d see Bellamy Blake get so flustered over his genitalia!” She was positively gleeful.

“I can handle my own genitalia just fine.”

“Just not Clarke talking about your genitalia.”

“She was _not_ talking about my gen—good lord, can we stop saying the word genitalia, please?!”

“Genitalia.” He glared at her and she didn’t even flinch. “How about you try to say _penis_ for me then?” Bellamy cut off his own laugh. He didn’t want to laugh at that, even though he had been laughing at it all day. “Why were you even talking about that stuff in the first place?”

“It’s part of our project. Well, first Clarke wanted us to make an illustrated sex-ed book, but… well, that went worse than this did. After that backfired, Clarke had this idea to create,” he took a deep breath, “Sexual Jeopardy. When we talked about maintaining the answer format….” Bellamy shrugged sheepishly.

“What is a penis?”

“Well, it’s not as funny when you say it,” he mumbled. “And to be fair, I got in trouble _before_ she caught me laughing.” He hesitated, but Harper was watching him expectantly. “When she said ‘what is an orgasm?’”

“Oh god.” Harper covered her mouth. “You didn’t offer to show her.”

“No.”

Her hands moved back to her hips and she glared. “What, then?”

Bellamy could feel his face heat up as he mumbled again. “I may have implied that I’d heard…. I said I always heard Collins was so bad he couldn’t get himself off, so I wasn’t surprised she’d never heard of one.”

Harper scoffed and stalked across the room to smack him on the back of the head. “Go apologize.”

“I’m going!”

* * *

**Harper McIntyre**  
Feb 13 at 3:33pm  
_I have seen the future. **Clarke** is going to have to do the entire project herself. **Bellamy** is officially twelve and can’t even say penis without giggling._

**Bellamy Blake:** _Yeah, because it’s funny._  
**Wells Jaha:** _Dude, it’s a funny word._  
**Bellamy Blake:** _Thanks, bro._  
**Clarke Griffin:** _DO NOT ENCOURAGE HIM, **WELLS**._  
**Wells Jaha:** _…. Sorry (not sorry)_

* * *

Clarke wasn’t really _mad_ that he kept laughing. It was residual annoyance and a little embarrassment at his comment about Finn. Heavy footsteps stopped next to her and she turned around with plans to say, “It’s about damn time. Regardless of what Harper predicted, I will _not_ be doing this whole thing alone.” Only a few words made it out, though, because it wasn’t Bellamy. It was _Finn._

“What are you doing here?”

Finn chuckled. “I’m assuming the same as you. Studying? Can I sit down?”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“I won’t take much of your time.” He hesitated first, but sat down anyway. “What are you working on?”

Clarke sighed, but didn’t tell him to leave. “Group project for my Human Sexuality class.”

“Where’s your ‘group’?”

“Bellamy was being a child, so I left him at home. He’s supposed to meet me here once he stops giggling every time one of us says penis.”

“Oh.” Finn’s face darkened. He’d always been a little frustrated by that friendship. “You’re in a class with Bellamy.”

She rolled her eyes. “Yeah. I’m also in a class with Octavia and Jasper and Monty. And I’m talking about taking a class with Wells next quarter. Why is that weird?”

“It’s not.” His voice was higher pitched than it should have been. “You’re friends. That’s why he punched me.”

“I don’t know what you think you know, but Bellamy basically thinks of me as an extension of Octavia. He would have punched you if you did the same thing to her.”

Finn scoffed and took a deep breath before speaking again. “I didn’t come over here to talk about him. I miss you, Clarke.”

“Finn, I need to work on this project. I don’t—“

“I’m in love with you Clarke,” he said in a rush. “I love you.” He waited hopefully. She didn’t say anything. “I want you to give us another chance.”

Clarke was quiet for a long time. She would have been lying if she said that there wasn’t a part of her that wanted that very much. But when she looked at him, her vision blurred and all she could see was pain; not only the pain he had caused her, but the pain he had caused Raven. She didn’t think she could do that to Raven. “You broke my heart.”

His eyes dropped to the table and he took a deep breath. Clarke studied the notebook in front of her, toying with the idea of packing up and leaving. If she stayed, he would keep trying to convince her. Raven might forgive her, if she caved, and she thought she might have been open to loving Finn at some point. The insurmountable problem was trust. If she forgave him, she would always wonder what he was up to when they weren’t together. There was no way she could live that way.

“Clarke, I know I –”

Finn snapped his mouth shut so fast she could hear his teeth click right before a hand appeared on her shoulder. Clarke glanced up and was overwhelmed by a flood of relief. _Bellamy_. He squeezed gently. “Sorry about before, Princess. You ready to try this again?” There was an obvious double meaning behind his question in his eyes. He had heard everything, or at least enough, and he was asking if she wanted him to leave. When she shook her head, almost imperceptibly, the small frown on his face disappeared and he turned back to Finn with a small smile. “We’re a little busy here, Collins.”

“Yeah, I got it.” Finn looked hurt, but he got up and left, only glancing back once.

Clarke couldn’t find the words as Bellamy sat down right next to her, leaving his hand on her shoulder. He tilted his head so he was looking her in the eye. “You alright?” She shrugged. “Sorry I kept laughing when we were talking about genitalia.”

Laughter started to bubble up inside of her. Clarke tried to tamp it down, but she wasn’t sure she had ever seen someone say the word genitalia so sincerely. Bellamy blinked at her, shocked, but that made her laugh harder. He tried to calm her down for a few minutes, but there was no stopping her. Soon, he was laughing just as hard.

They laughed so hard they kicked out of the library, so they went back to her dorm to try doing more prep work for their game. The problem was, one of them would snicker every time they came up with a new question and it had become about trying to get the other to flinch more than presenting actual usable questions. Octavia eventually yelled at them to stop grossing her out and get the hell out. They ended up back in his living room, but by then, the day was lost.

Well, it wasn’t _totally_ lost. Clarke liked watching Bellamy laugh. She was glad he had followed her to the library. She was glad to have a friend like him to help pick her up when she was falling down. He made totally uncalled for comments all the time, but it was something she had come to rely on. It meant she could trust him, because he would always be honest, which may have been why there were so many questions she was scared to ask him.


	38. Chapter 38

Bellamy was thrilled that he didn’t have any work that required brain power left for their project. He was as content as he could be sitting on the floor by the coffee table, in Clarke’s movie night spot, watching her move back and forth between subjects. She bounced between helping him set up a PowerPoint presentation in a Jeopardy format and going over calculus formulas with O, Monty, and Jasper. The way she could split her attention like that was impressive to say the least.

He had mixed feelings over the fact that they had finally gotten all of the research done for their project. A large part of him was grateful, because it had been a challenge for him. He had a hard time being alone with her since he overheard Collins confessing his love. Collins was a dick, but he looked so crushed when Clarke didn’t say it back. There was another part of him, an overwhelming part of him that he kept trying to tamp down, that was sad that the end of the quarter was approaching so quickly.

The whole thing had made him analyze the weird attraction to her he had been experiencing over the past few months. He _had_ to admit that, objectively, he was very attracted to her. Even though she was the exact opposite of his usual type, he was drawn to her in a way he hadn’t been to anyone else. She was smart, she cared so deeply for all of her friends that she often forgot about her own needs, and she didn’t put up with his bullshit. Fuck it all if he didn’t _like_ that. A lot. She was gorgeous, but it was the rest that intrigued him, even though sometimes she annoyed the hell out of him. And terrified him. He hadn’t had feelings, serious ones anyway, for someone else in years. Not since Lilly. His worst nightmare was turning into Finn Collins. He had done that before and he would _not_ do that again.

* * *

Octavia had been watching Bellamy watch Clarke all evening. It wasn’t exactly a _new_ development, but it had only become really interesting over the past couple weeks. She had seen him watching Clarke a lot over the last year and a half. At first, it was mostly because he was shocked by something she did or horrified or caught off guard by one of her opinions. But it had evolved over the past six months and Octavia was less surprised by what she was seeing on his face than she would have expected.

It was like he was constantly this strange mixture of sad and scared, but he openly laughed at her jokes unless he thought they were stupid, and then he would tease her with a huge grin on his face. He looked disappointed when she left the room and he lit up whenever she came back. Whatever this change was, it had become more noticeable after they started taking that class together. Maybe even after he had punched Finn in the face for her. Maybe earlier. It was hard to pinpoint the exact moment that their relationship changed. Clarke, for the most part, seemed oblivious to his behavior, probably due to her own weirdness. It wasn’t quite as blatant as Bellamy, but O had caught her looking at him longer than necessary more than once. 

Octavia got tired of watching Bellamy being mopey and wandered into his room to find a sweatshirt. It was way too cold in his living room. When she walked into his room, though, his laptop was opened and his checklist for the classes he needed for his major was sitting right next to it. She looked at the classes he had picked and the classes he needed. An idea, probably a bad one, struck her. She couldn’t help herself, really. She wanted to know whether those longing looks meant what she thought she did. And those two had always needed a push in the right direction, anyway.

* * *

Bellamy didn’t bother knocking on her door. He just clutched the paper in his hand tighter and burst in. Octavia was practicing a dance and almost fell over when he shut off her music and she finally saw him. He waved the paper at her. “What the hell, O?”

“What are you doing just bursting in here? What if I was changing?!”

“Why haven’t you been answering your phone?”

She put on her best ‘innocent’ face, but he knew it was a lie. “Have you been trying to call?”

“Don’t play that game. What is this?”

He slammed the paper down onto the table and Octavia sidled up to glance at it. “Um, your class schedule for next quarter? Oooh, I didn’t know you were interested in taking drawing. When did _that_ happen?”

“I’m not! I’m horrible at it! Why would you do this to me?”

“Why do you think _I_ did it?”

“Because your acting is shit and Miller and Harper would _never_ try to torture a professor with my absolute lack of artistic talent.”

“I’m sure Clarke will help if you act nicely.”

The door closed and Bellamy spun around, his heart practically trying to beat its way out of his chest. “Why is the door op—oh hey Bellamy.” Clarke threw her bag down near her desk and Wells trailed after her. “What am I going to help with?”

Bellamy felt his face flush and glanced at Octavia, who looked too pleased for her own good. “Bell signed up for Intro to Drawing next quarter!”

He tried not to let it bother him that Clarke burst into laughter and had to hold onto Wells to avoid falling down. Wells just had a stupid smile on his face that they _would_ be discussing later. “I did not!”

Clarke calmed down a bit while she shuffled through the papers on her desk. Finally, she found a sketchpad and pushed it into his arms. “You’ll need this.”

His jaw dropped and Octavia started laughing. “I’m switching out.”

“But if you don’t,” Clarke smiled, eyes bright, “I _will_ help you.”

“She’s a good teacher,” Wells supplied unhelpfully. “She helped me in a drawing class in high school. I actually managed to pass. Sort of.”

Clarke turned and started unpacking her bag at her desk and he just watched dumbly until Octavia elbowed him in the ribs. The look of pride on her face was practically an admission of guilt.

* * *

“So, you’re going to stay in the class and let Clarke help you, right?”

Wells was pretending to read on Bellamy’s bed, but really being nosy. He had followed Bellamy home and kept trying to ‘casually’ sell Clarke as a good drawing tutor. If this experience taught him one thing, it was that he needed to find less intrusive friends. And family.

Bellamy waved the drop form in the air. “Of course I’m not taking that class. The few scholarships I was able to get rely on academic success.”

“You know, it’s not an _easy_ A, but the professors give you credit when they can tell that you’re trying. You won’t fail the class. You know Clarke wouldn’t let you fail, anyway.”

Bellamy scoffed and continued filling out the form. It would be nice to have a reason to hang out with Clarke, but he was confident enough in their friendship that he didn’t think a class was necessary anymore. Wells waited a few more moments, but Bellamy was too busy trying to figure out which class he could fill the spot with instead.

“I just don’t see why you need to go through the trouble of dropping the class. Is there even anything you want to take that doesn’t have a waitlist now?”

Bellamy turned around to glare at him. “You know, Miller and Harper kept trying to sell the same shit. I don’t know why the hell you all think this is so funny.”

Wells shrugged and threw him a stupid grin. “We don’t think it’s funny. We just think it’s nice that you’re bonding with Clarke.”

“I think we’re plenty bonded, thank you.”

It didn’t matter that Wells was right. The class he had originally signed up for was full and the waitlist had so many people on it that it would be impossible for him to get in. Bellamy still filled out the form, even though he knew he wouldn’t be turning it in.

* * *

The whole situation was difficult for Clarke. On the one hand, Bellamy was just _so bad_ at drawing. But on the other, he tried _so hard_ each time. What really bothered her, though, was how she found the whole thing… endearing. Every time she watched him hunched over his sketchbook, his brow would furrow as he focused so intensely. Really, he focused on everything with that same intensity. Any time she got to witness it her stomach would do an unwelcome flip, because, fuck, it was kind of cute.

She was half-tempted to tease him when he showed her a drawing for his perspective assignment, but he looked so proud of himself. So, instead of telling him he should find out if he could deport his sister for tricking him into that class, she said, “You’re doing so much better. Really!” And he looked so relieved.

But sometimes, he got too frustrated. He had such a good brain for dates. It was just hard for him to put a line on a paper. Whenever he got frustrated, they would argue. It was usually the same thing every time.

“Drawing isn’t like, some natural, God-given talent, Bellamy!”

“That’s such bullshit, Clarke, and you _know_ it!”

“You just have to pract—“

“Practice, I know, blah, blah, blah.”

“Very mature.”

“Can’t you just do it for me? You’ve already got the ‘practice’.” He used air quotes and she wanted to kick him.

“Sit down and try again! You’re going to get it!”

“No, I’m not.”

Clarke huffed. “Well, fine, then you’re going to continue sucking!”

“I thought you were my friend.”

He turned to face her with the saddest frown and she immediately felt horrible. All of her frustration disappeared in an instant. She sat down next to him and put a hand on his knee. “Of course I’m your friend. But it is my duty as your friend to tell you that you suck at this.” She leaned down and picked up the pencil from the place he had thrown it and put it back in his hand. “You’re going to continue to suck at this until you put in the _practice_.”

It was proof of how much their friendship had grown that he didn’t give up and leave. She was proud of him; of herself, too, actually. He stayed and he tried at least once a week until Octavia got home from practice. His lines weren’t perfect, he grumbled about how much he hated his sister most of the time, and he snapped at her a bit more than she thought necessary. Still, she was proud of the effort he made. Even if she didn’t understand why he was in the class in the first place, it was nice to have an excuse to spend the extra time alone with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This started out as a few unfinished chapters. Since they all related to each other, I meshed them together! These two are so stupid about each other. It's too bad they can't just realize they're in love with each other yet, but I think they both have a little too much self-doubt for that.
> 
> BUT THAT EPISODE LAST NIGHT, RIGHT??? It was soooooooo good. I'm going to be riding (and writing) on a Bellarke high all weekend. Come freak out over everything with me on [Tumblr](http://ilovethisship.tumblr.com/)!


	39. Chapter 39

**Raven Reyes**  
Mar 25 at 10:00pm  
_So excited to see everyone tomorrow!_

**Monty Green:** _What time are you getting into town?_  
**Raven Reyes:** _About 11_  
**Octavia Blake:** _I’m going to be late for coffee. I’m sorry!!!_  
**Raven Reyes:** _I’ll never forgive you._  
**Clarke Griffin:** _Jeez, O, so inconsiderate!_  
**Bellamy Blake:** _You can always take **Clarke** ’s car to lunch at mom’s and then just leave early._  
**Octavia Blake:** _No way, **Bellamy**. I’m not letting you get all the leftovers. No way. I need real food._  
**Clarke Griffin:** _Thanks for volunteering my car, **Bellamy**. Your sister isn’t allowed to drive it anymore._  
**Raven Reyes:** _Since when?!_  
**Bellamy Blake:** _Whatever, **Clarke**. Don’t be baby about that. It was just a little scratch._  
**Jasper Jordan:** _Why don’t you let **Octavia** drive your car, **Bellamy**. And you can take **Clarke** ’s._  
**Clarke Griffin:** _That’d be fine with me. **Bellamy** drives like an old lady._  
**Octavia Blake:** _You guys are so mean! It was just a scratch! It wasn’t even my fault._  
**Raven Reyes:** _Hahahahaha, **Bellamy** does drive like a little bitch._  
**Bellamy Blake:** _Hey! To both of you. Driving responsibly is NOT a bad thing. And I wouldn’t let O touch my car with a 10 foot pole, **Jasper**. Are you nuts?_  
**Octavia Blake:** _HEY_

Clarke couldn’t stop grinning when Raven walked through the door of the café. She jumped up and ran to her for a tight hug. She had become almost as close with Raven and she was with Octavia. Almost. They had been talking via texts, emails, and social media since her last visit and it had been _way_ too long since she had been in town.

“Octavia wants me to tell you, again, that she’s sorry she’s running late,” Clarke said as they sat at a table.

Raven started to chew on her thumbnail. “Actually, I’m kind of glad. I wanted to talk to you first.”

“Finn?” A lump rose up in Clarke’s throat. She still hadn’t told Raven about her encounter with him last quarter. She might be able to tell her, but it felt weird to admit that a friend’s mutual ex-boyfriend confessed his love and asked for another chance.

“Oh, no! Not Finn. Bellamy, actually.”

Clarke tilted her head. “What about him?”

“I just noticed you two have gotten a little closer recently.” Raven ran her finger along the rim of her cup, glancing up at Clarke nervously. “Is that a thing now?” Clarke was speechless. She could only stare at Raven, who went from nervous to confused in the blink of an eye. “Any time I talk to O and you’re not home, it seems like you’re at his place. I just thought he might have told you what had happened.”

“What happened?”

“If he didn’t tell you, I shouldn’t –“

“Tell me, Raven.”

Raven sighed and clasped her hands together on top of the table. “When I came to visit last time, we kind of hooked up after that party. I just wanted to apologize.”

Clarke’s stomach twisted, but she quickly pushed it away. She and Bellamy _were_ closer lately, though, and she didn’t know why he wouldn’t have mentioned it. “Why would that matter?”

Raven stared at her blankly for a moment before speaking. “Never mind. It just seemed like…. Listen, forget I said anything. He’s Octavia’s brother and I like you and O too much for this to be a problem. I don’t want it to get weird, and I was worried it would come out sooner or later.”

“I don’t think it’ll be weird,” Clarke said, forcing away the new twist she felt when she thought about them together. “But I’m going to let _you_ be the one to tell O that you’re hooking up with her brother. She’s scary when she’s mad.”

“Oh my god, no way!” Raven started laughing. “We are not _hooking up_. It was a one-time thing. One time only. I was hurting and he was there and hot, and I thought, why not? I’d only ever been with Finn. From what we talked about, he seemed like a decent guy for a no strings thing.”

Clarke reached across the table and placed her hand on top of Raven’s. “Hey. I get it.”

“You get it? So you admit he’s attractive.” Her concern seemed to melt and was replaced by a grin.

“Objectively, yes!”

“And nothing is going on with you and that Wells guy?”

“Oh my god, Raven, why do you need me to be hooking up with someone?”

“So, it _is_ Wells.”

“Gross! No! Wells is like my brother.”

“Who just magically reappeared in your life?”

Clarke hesitated. It _might_ be a good time to tell Raven. “Well, the whole thing with him was complicated. It was never romantic. We’d been best friends for years….“

Raven frowned and reached a hand across the table to grab Clarke’s other hand. “You don’t have to talk about it. If it’s not romantic, it’s not romantic.”

“It’s okay, Raven. Really.” Clarke smiled sadly and squeezed her hands. “I don’t know all the details, so that’s why there’s hesitation. Long semi-formed story short? I thought that Wells called my dad to have him pick me up from this party I probably shouldn’t have been at. That was the night my dad died and I blamed him. But it wasn’t Wells. I don’t know how my mom knew, but I know that Wells didn’t have anything to do with it. All I know is that she let me blame him for something that wasn’t his fault for years. She didn’t deny it when I confronted her over it either, so the Blakes let me stay there on breaks.”

 “Oh yeah? So you bunk with O all the time? Don’t you ever need a break?”

Clarke felt her face heat up and hoped that she wasn’t actually blushing. “I actually sleep in Bellamy’s old room.”

Raven wiggled her eyebrows and Clarke rolled her eyes.

“You’re such a perv. It’s clean and Bellamy-cootie free. I watched him change the sheets the first time I stayed there.”

“All right.” Raven shrugged and threw her hands up. “If it’s not romantic, it’s not romantic.”

Clarke sighed. “Thanks.”

"And there are no secret ladies you're not telling us about?"

"No. I tried flirting a little with that girl in my painting class, but she wasn’t into me."

“Psh. You’re hot. Everyone’s into you.”

Clarke laughed. “Oh, if only.”

“But, hey! If it’s not romantic with Wells, and there are no secret ladies, can't it be romantic with—“

“Hey, hey, hey!” Octavia ran over and slid into the booth next to Raven with a quick hug, saving Clarke from anything else Raven was about to say. “Who are we trying to get Clarke to be romantic with?”

Clarke groaned and dropped her head to the table. “I don’t always need to be romantic! Can’t I not be romantic?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come hang out with me on [Tumblr](http://ilovethisship.tumblr.com/)!


	40. Chapter 40

Clarke fumbled through everything at her desk for a third time. She was so mad that she wanted to throw to something. She settled for sitting in her chair and putting her head in her hands.

“You have got to be fucking kidding me,” she mumbled.

“What is it?” Octavia called from her bed.

“Your stupid brother. Was he here earlier?”

“Yeah, he came by to drop off....” Octavia trailed off and then she shot up to a seated position. “Did he take your book AGAIN?!” Clarke nodded and sighed. “You can just use mine.”

“But mine has all my notes tucked in it.”

Octavia frowned and Clarke got up and moved to her bed, falling back onto her pillows. She pulled her phone out of her pocket.

**Clarke**  
8:10pm  
_I expect you back here with my book in 20 minutes._

**Bellamy**  
8:11pm  
_Use O’s._

**Clarke**  
8:11pm  
_You use O’s. I need my notes._  
8:18pm  
_I have a test on Friday and my book has all my notes in it._

**Bellamy**  
8:20pm  
_… it’s Monday._

**Clarke**  
8:22pm  
_And you of all people get my study habits._  
_Bring me my book or I’m going to go over there and get it._

**Bellamy**  
8:23pm  
_I’ll bring it back tomorrow._

**Clarke**  
8:23pm  
_I need that book. You don’t._

**Bellamy**  
8:23pm  
_I do too._

**Clarke**  
8:24pm  
_Excuse me?_

**Bellamy**  
8:24pm  
_I do need it._

**Clarke**  
8:25pm  
_And my notes?_

**Bellamy**  
8:27pm  
_Well, I’m not in the class, so your notes help me make sense of some of the more confusing parts._

“Oh my god, your brother is a dick!”

“I know.”

“What is wrong with him?”

“He has no sense of personal space. He’s an ass!”

**Clarke**  
8:29pm  
_Bellamy Blake, I swear to god…._

**Bellamy**  
8:30pm  
_Oh, you’re religious now?_

**Clarke**  
8:31pm  
_I’m coming over to get my book._

**Bellamy**  
8:31pm  
_I’m not home._

**Clarke**  
8:32pm  
_Then I'll come by the café._

**Bellamy**  
8:33pm  
_Not there either._

**Clarke**  
8:33pm  
_Then where are you?_  
_I know you, Blake. You don't have a life._

**Bellamy**  
8:34pm  
_Untrue._  
_I am everywhere and nowhere, Princess._

Clarke let out a wordless cry and dropped her phone onto the floor.

“He’s not bringing it back?”

Clarke covered her face with a pillow. “I hate him. I hate him so much.”

* * *

The dating business was too much. But Clarke let Jasper set her up, because, well… Raven had a point. Granted, Finn wasn’t Clarke’s _first_ , but it had been five months and the "hot chick" from his Physics class sounded nice. So, a date wouldn’t hurt. At least, it wouldn’t hurt her. Her wardrobe, on the other hand, was suffering. She didn’t want to try _too_ hard, because she doubted anything would actually come out of the night. For the most part, she was going on this date to shut everyone up.

She was so busy digging through her clothing that she didn’t bother to turn around when she heard the door open.

“I have nothing to wear! Can I borrow something of yours?”

* * *

Bellamy hesitated at the sight of Clarke half inside her closet. Part of him wanted to laugh, but he held it back. “I don’t think anything of mine would fit you. It might look good though.”

She squeaked and jumped. Her head hit the top shelf with a hard crack and she fell to her knees, clutching the back of her head with one hand. Bellamy jumped forward and landed on his knees next to her. He placed a hand on her shoulder and ghosted the other over her head.

“What are you doing here?” she groaned.

“Octavia asked me to meet her before dinner and insisted it _had_ to be here, not my place. Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.”

He ignored her protests as he checked for bleeding, and then tilted her head up so he could meet her eyes. “How do I check for a concussion?”

“I’m _fine_ , Bellamy.”

“You hit your head really hard. What do I look for?”

“I’m not dizzy. My ears aren’t ringing. I’m not nauseous. I didn’t throw up. Is my speech slurred?”

Bellamy went over her words again in his head before answering. “No.”

“Are my pupils dilated?”

He searched her eyes, ignoring the fact that she was wearing eye makeup, which was not a common occurrence. They were wide and a little watery, but fine. Still, she had to say she was fine a couple more times before he leaned back onto his heels. “Do you need an ice pack? Are you _sure_ you’re okay?”

“If you ask me that one more time, I’ll give _you_ an actual concussion.”

He jumped up to help her up when she started to stand and she glared at him, but it was softened by a soft smile.

“What were you doing in your closet, anyway?”

“Um….” Clarke hesitated. “I’m trying to find a good date outfit?”

Bellamy let his hands drop to his side. “You have a date.”

Clarke’s cheeks turned pink and her next words fell out in a rush. “Yeah, Jasper set me up. I didn’t really want to go, but Raven and O told me I need to get a life outside of all you guys.”

Bellamy tried to push aside the stupid twisting feeling in his gut. This was his _friend_. His little crush was inconsequential. He helped her pick out an outfit and was glad that Octavia at least managed to look a little uncomfortable when she showed up and took over with date prep assistance. He tried to read Clarke’s art history textbook, but he was too distracted. Listening to Clarke half-whisper about this girl Jasper had introduced her to was really ruining his enjoyment of al fresco paintings in ancient Rome. He ended up taking the book with him when they finally left.

* * *

“I have to take it back, O. She almost killed me once this week.”

Octavia scoffed and unlocked her door. “That’s never mattered before.”

The room was quiet and Clarke wasn’t back yet. Bellamy sighed and he plopped down into her desk chair. “I just really don’t need a repeat of that lecture right now.”

Octavia watched as he opened the book back up and started to read again. She thought she knew what he was doing, but she wasn’t _sure_. He didn’t move, so she went into the bathroom to change into her pajamas before throwing herself into her bed and grabbing her own book.

Clarke wasn’t home for almost another hour, most of which Octavia spent attempting to ignore her weird brother. She didn’t look surprised to see Octavia sit up in her bed, but her eyes widened at the sight of Bellamy, who was staring at a page, but not actually reading.

“How was the date?” he asked.

Clarke raised her eyebrows at Octavia and she just shrugged, so Clarke rolled her eyes before she started to gather up her own pajamas. “How was it, Clarke?” That earned her a glare.

“It was okay, I guess.”

“You guess,” Bellamy said flatly.

“Yeah. I guess.”

“No sparks?” Octavia asked. “No chemistry? Didn’t want to _rip_ each other’s clothes off?”

Clarke slipped into the bathroom, but didn’t close the door. “She was sweet. And kind of funny, but she talked too much.”

Bellamy snorted and Octavia threw a pillow at him. “So, you _didn’t_ want to rip her clothes off?” he asked.

“Not particularly.”

Bellamy smiled slightly and stood up, dropping the book back onto Clarke’s desk just as Clarke stepped out of the bathroom in her tank top and shorts.

“Night guys,” Bellamy said, without looking at either of them. “See you Monday.”

Clarke stared at the door when it closed and Octavia studied Clarke. That whole interaction was just…. “What was _that_?”

“I’m honestly not sure.” Octavia had a couple ideas, but she wasn’t ready to share. If anything, this just confirmed what she thought she noticed a few months ago. And Clarke wasn’t ready to hear that yet, though. Instead, she just gestured for Clarke to join her on her bed. “Now, come tell me all the not-so-dirty details.”

* * *

Bellamy had been texting Clarke for the last hour with random questions out of her textbook. Which he had stolen _again._ She couldn’t be too angry when he was at least quizzing her, though.

  
**Bellamy**  
4:44pm  
_Okay. What about when painters painted directly onto the plaster walls of a room._

**Clarke**  
4:45pm  
_Fresco._  
_By the way, were your serious with that question?_  
_That’s like, 3 weeks old, at least._

**Bellamy**  
4:47pm  
_Someone has to keep you on your toes, Princess._

**Clarke**  
4:47pm  
_And it’s got to be you, huh?_

**Bellamy**  
4:48pm  
_Who would be better at it than me?_  
_Wells? Octavia? I think not._  
_Do you know why it’s way better that you’re an artist in this time period?_

**Clarke**  
4:49pm  
_That’s… I’m not sure._

**Bellamy**  
4:50pm  
_You would have looked super gross in ancient Rome._  
_Really gross._

**Clarke**  
4:50pm  
_Gee, thanks._

**Bellamy**  
4:51pm  
_All painters did!_  
_It wouldn’t have just been you._

**Clarke**  
4:52pm  
_Most. And that’s because the pigments they used were toxic._

The door opened and Clarke glanced up to see Octavia half-limping into the room. Clarke jumped up and ran over.

“What’s got you in such a good mood?” Octavia asked through her teeth.

Clarke shook herself when she realized she was grinning like an idiot. “Nothing. What happened to your leg?”

Octavia blushed. “I tripped and fell again. Tore up my knee.”

“Oh no. What about the recital?”

“As long as I rest a couple days before trying anything fancy or full-out, it should be fine by then.”

Clarke led Octavia to a chair and busied herself with the… actually impressive bandaging job. “Who did you see at the clinic? No one there does this clean of a job.”

“I didn’t go to the clinic.” Octavia blushed again. Clarke stared up at her until she smiled softly. “This stays between you and me. And Raven. Maybe.”

“Spill it, O!”

Octavia just grinned for a minute before she let loose. “His name is Lincoln. He’s twenty-two. He’s transferring over here next year to get his Master’s degree in Painting and Drawing. And he’s super buff. And super nice. And he has tattoos and he—“

“Did a seriously awesome job with this bandage.” Clarke smiled. It was great to see Octavia so happy. “You know, if you wanted a medically talented art student, I’m a little offended I didn’t make the cut.” Octavia stuck her tongue out, but still couldn’t stop smiling. “Did you get his number?”

“He asked me for mine before I could ask for his. He even walked me to the building. He carried me halfway until I convinced him I’d be fine.”

Clarke smiled, because Octavia’s phone beeped and the girl practically melted in her seat when she read the message.

**Lincoln <3**  
5:14pm  
_Please text me tomorrow and let me know how your knee is doing._  
_I hope it's okay._  
_Even though it was really great to meet you._

After a pat on the knee, Clarke let Octavia return to her silent squealing as she texted Lincoln back. Clarke sat back down on her bed and picked up her own phone to _five_ notifications from Bellamy. She rolled her eyes as she read them.

**Bellamy**  
4:53pm  
_Yeah, I know. That’s why you would have looked gross._  
_4:55pm_  
_What did they use for pigments?_  
_And whose recipes were they based off of?_  
_5:06pm_  
_Well, you don’t have to ignore me if you don’t know._  
_5:15pm_  
_You owe me two dollars for backing out._

**Clarke**  
5:20pm  
_I did not agree with to that bet._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaaaahhhhhh the season finale is tonight and I'm dying. I'm posting this without reviewing for the hundredth time, because I might die tonight and I needed to give you all the way Bellamy reacted to Clarke going on a date before I'm dead. 
> 
> Come hang out with me on [Tumblr](http://ilovethisship.tumblr.com/)!


	41. Chapter 41

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yikes! I took a leap and put the final chapter count in there. It may change, but it's what I'm at right now. I've started a new editing technique. Hopefully it doesn't slow me down, but I really like the results I got out of using it this time. Thanks for everyone for sticking out this journey and I can't wait to get to the part we're all waiting for. :)

Bellamy loosened his tie and unbuttoned his robe as soon as he could step away. Harper and Miller had gone off to find their own parents while he was in search of O and his mom. And Clarke, of course, since she had basically moved into his old room. She was staying at their house again for the summer. His room was her room. He hoped he hadn’t left anything too embarrassing in the drawers.

It didn’t take long to find them and it shouldn’t have been such a surprise to see Clarke talking animatedly to his mom, but she was rarely so animated around so many people. She was also rarely so dressed up. Bellamy was sure it was the first time he’d seen her wearing heels in the two years they had known each other. Her lacey, light blue dress was short and paired with said heels, her legs looked freaking amazing.

He shook his head to clear that thought just as she glanced over and met his eyes across the crowd. A grin lit up her face and he smiled back as she quietly pointed him out to his family. Octavia was away from the small group in less than a second. Running in heels was a shocking talent of hers, since she fell down _a lot_. He barely caught her as she threw her arms around him. His mom was not far behind and pulled them into a group hug.

“I’m so proud of you, Bell.”

“Thanks, mom.”

They let him go as Clarke finally made her way over. She smiled at him again and glanced down at the ground as she picked at her nails. Then, without warning, she threw her arms around his neck. He was caught off guard, but only hesitated for a moment before wrapping his arms around her waist tightly. It was a struggle not to breathe in the smell of her shampoo. And perfume. It was new, but it smelled really good.

“Congratulations, Bellamy.” She pressed her nose into his shoulder and he smiled.

“Thanks, Clarke,” he mumbled as they finally pulled apart.

Clarke lingered in his space and he stared down at her while she fixed his tie. She met his eyes with another soft smile before Octavia cleared her throat and they jumped apart. Their other friends were approaching loudly. Bellamy ran his hands through his hair and stared down at the ground to avoid his sister’s suspicious smile.

“I loosened my tie on purpose, Princess,” he mumbled again.

“I fixed it on purpose!” She smiled at him again before she turned and ran to meet Miller and Harper.

Wells materialized next to him, seemingly out of thin air, wearing a white button up shirt with grey slacks. Since he and Clarke had repaired their friendship, Wells had managed to fit into the group seamlessly. Bellamy had actually started to consider him to be one of his closest friends.

“You didn’t have to dress up on my account,” Bellamy said with a small smile.

“Ah, it’s not for you, Blake. It’s for all the lovely ladies you seem to attract.” They grinned at each other and Wells nodded toward Clarke. “She looks good dressed up, doesn’t she?”

She was currently tugging what looked like a new beanie onto Miller’s head as he batted her hands away. Harper jumped in with an assist and their laughter carried across the field. Bellamy had to tear his eyes away from them and turned to study Wells. It was hard to tell if the comment was innocent. His facial expression was even, but that didn’t mean anything. Sometimes, the guy was almost as stoic as Miller. So, maybe he didn’t mean anything by it. Maybe.

“It’s definitely not what I’m used to from her.”

“Yeah, her mom and dad used to have to wrestle her into nice clothes every holiday. Of course, she would just strip them off at the earliest opportunity.” He chuckled fondly. “Everyone was pretty grateful that she grew out of that habit before elementary school was over.”

Bellamy felt his face start to heat up again and he couldn’t make eye contact with Wells, or look in Clarke’s general direction, so he stared up at the sky. When he finally found words, his voice was strained. “I think we’re all grateful for that.”

* * *

**Jasper Jordan**  
Jun 27 at 10:12am  
_Back in town to apartment hunt with **Monty**! Roommates 4 life!_  
**Raven Reyes** and 23 others like this

 **Octavia Blake**  
July 4 at 7:00pm  
_My little girls were so adorable at their performance today!_  
**Lincoln Woods** and 32 others like this

 **Nathan Miller**  
July 7 at 12:22pm  
_I wish I was going to grad school like **Bellamy** so I didn’t have to figure out what to do with my degree._  
**Harper McIntyre** and 19 others like this

 **Clarke Griffin**  
July 13 at 4:31pm  
_Big thanks to **Bellamy** and **Wells** for helping **Octavia** and I apartment hunt today! I think we found a good one! _  
**Raven Reyes** and 22 others like this

 **Bellamy Blake**  
July 25 at 10:07am  
_Loans for grad school might be more of a hell than loans for normal school. Fuck._  
**Wells Jaha** and 18 others like this

 **Monty Green**  
August 1 at 8:00pm  
**_Jasper_ ** _and I are back! Thanks for helping us move in! – with **Clarke Griffin** , **Octavia Blake** , **Bellamy Blake** , **Wells Jaha** , **Nathan Miller** , and **Harper McIntyre**_  
**Raven Reyes** and 32 others like this

 **Wells Jaha**  
August 12 at 5:13pm  
_I had to bust my ass to get it, but I got vacation time approved for next week. THANK GOD._  
**Clarke Griffin** and 17 others like this

 **Raven Reyes**  
August 19 at 9:59am  
_It’s BEACH TIME!!!! Finally! – with **Clarke Griffin** , **Octavia Blake** , **Bellamy Blake** , **Monty Green** , **Jasper Jordan** , **Wells Jaha** , **Harper McIntyre** , and **Nathan Miller**_  
**Clarke Griffin** and 26 others like this

* * *

“Aren’t you going to get in the water?” Bellamy was sure he’d asked Clarke the same question about twenty times.

She shrugged, again, with a small smile. “Aren’t you?”

“I’m fine right here.”

They both half-watched the rest of the group chasing each other around the beach and dunking each other in the water. For the most part, Bellamy laid on his back with his eyes closed as he soaked up the sun and avoided checking Clarke out. She at least had the decency to wear a cover-up over her bikini, but it was crocheted and didn’t cover enough skin for Bellamy’s taste. Or it didn’t reveal enough. The longer they laid out, the less sure he was which option he preferred.

Clarke, on the other hand, was laying on her stomach and sketching like crazy. The end of the pencil she was using was a little chewed up. Every so often, she’d look up from her sketchbook to study the horizon before resuming her work.

“You guys are being so boring!” Wells and Octavia shouted, ankle deep in the ocean.

Bellamy waved a hand dismissively, but opened an eye at the sound of someone approaching. Raven threw herself down between him and Clarke. “What are you two doing over here?”

“Tanning,” Bellamy and Clarke said simultaneously.

“It seems more like you’re supervising.”

“I can’t supervise with my eyes closed, can I?” Bellamy asked.

Clarke chuckled. “You could supervise in your sleep.”

“So could you.”

Clarke rolled her eyes and Raven stood up. “Come on.” She nudged Clarke’s sketchbook out of the way with her toe and grabbed her hands. “Come play!” Clarke protested, half-fighting against Raven’s pull, but by the time she was halfway up, the others had noticed.

“Clarke’s up!” Miller yelled. “Get her!”

Wells unceremoniously dunked Harper into the water and spun around to watch as Monty, Jasper, and Miller sprinted toward Clarke. She squeaked and took off running down the beach. “God damn it, Raven!” she shouted over her shoulder.

Bellamy sat up and watched, too. Raven stood with her hands on her hips, a proud grin on her face. Clarke’s laughter was intoxicating and Bellamy couldn’t stop watching as she nimbly dodged their attempts to grab her. Wells tried to intercept her, but she just danced around him and Bellamy laughed. It seemed like a sure thing that she would get back to the towels without being thrown into the ocean.

He leaned over to move her sketchbook so it wouldn’t get trampled and jumped when he noticed Raven watching him instead of the scene ahead of them. “What are you looking at?”

“Nothing’s going on with you two, huh?”

“With who?!” His voice squeaked and he wasn’t proud of that.

Raven rolled her eyes. “God, you’re so stupid.”

“What are you talking about, Raven?”

“Nothing. Just go back to your tanning, old man.”

“Hey! I’m not old.”

“You’re obviously too old to join in on the fun or you’d be out there with the rest of us.”

Her stare was clearly a challenge, so he stood and looked down at her with his hands on his hips. Raven looked temporarily panicked, but he just grinned at her and then sauntered out onto the sand. Clarke was running back toward them with Wells, Monty, Miller, and Jasper trailing behind. He waited until she was too close to realize what he was about to do and then leaned forward to catch her around the waist, using her momentum to swing her over his shoulder.

“Bellamy!” Clarke pounded on his back with her fists. “You’re supposed to be on my side!”

“Says who?”

He waded into the water and tossed her in. Everyone around him cheered and he grinned, waving, accepting their praise. Then, she tackled him into the water and everyone cheered even louder. Bellamy spun around and grabbed her around the waist again when she tried to wade out of the water. He tucked an arm under her knees and waded out a little further before he deposited her back into the ocean. When she didn’t immediately come up, he started looking around, worried, but then he felt her hands on his knee and his leg was pulled out from under him.

They stood in the waist-deep water and she pressed her palms into his chest when he grabbed her shoulders. “Truce! Truce. Please!”

He grinned, running his thumbs down to her elbows. “Are you sure?”

“I’m sure.” She grinned up at him mischievously and his heart did a little flip. “Besides, don’t you think Raven looked suspiciously dry?”

It took effort to look away from her to where Raven was watching them from the beach, but Clarke was right. Raven’s hair was still _completely_ dry. “Well, that’s just not fair.”

“On three?”

“On three.”

Raven bit his arm trying to get loose, but they got her into the ocean. And the bite was an excuse for him and Clarke to sit for a while as she bandaged it up. Her fingers were gentle as she disinfected it and wrapped it with a strip she tore off of the towel. He couldn’t help but laugh as she muttered under her breath. “Why didn’t I think to bring a first aid kit with this group. Seriously, am I stupid? What the hell does she think she is? A fucking zombie or something? Jesus Christ, Raven. I can’t believe she drew blood.”

“I can. I’m surprised you got away from it unscathed.”

Clarke shoved his arm a little, but laughed while she finished the job in silence. She was soaked, but she was so happy. She looked really good happy.


	42. Chapter 42

Bellamy and Clarke picked up the moving truck first thing in the morning. Even if she hadn’t brought him coffee, he still would have helped her, but she was insistent. He knew better than to get in the way of an insistent Clarke, so he accepted his coffee in peace.

They drove to his mom’s house in companionable silence and he could feel the energy buzzing off of her. It had been a long time since he had seen her so excited. It seemed that her impending “official” escape from under her mother’s roof almost made her into a morning person for the day.

Lincoln’s truck was already in the driveway, but Bellamy allowed himself to be silenced with a look from Clarke. Most of his sister’s boxes were already in the back. Miller, Wells, and Lincoln jumped up from their seats on the porch when Bellamy backed the truck into the driveway. The only things they had left to move were his sister’s bed, nightstands, and dresser.

Aurora cried as they carried the bed out of the house. Octavia hugged her, rubbing her back and trying to remind her that she really needed the space for her sewing equipment. The new apartment wasn’t _that_ far away. Still, she took Bellamy off to the side and made him promise again that he would keep on eye on his sister. Like that wasn’t what he had been doing since O was born.

Their mother only delayed them a little, though. Monty and Jasper were waiting in their car out in front of Clarke’s house and Bellamy didn’t really blame them. He’d only met Abby once before. It would be a lie if he said he wasn’t reluctant to see her again.

There was a lot more to move at Clarke’s. Bellamy was impressed with what she and O found. The two of them had spent the summer searching Craigslist, yard sales, and thrift stores for furniture. Abby had volunteered the garage for storage as an olive branch. It had taken some convincing, but it was a good thing Clarke had accepted. They found almost everything they needed and in the end, the only gift they had been forced to accept from her mom had been a brand-new couch.

Bellamy probably wasn’t as careful as he could have been moving the bigger furniture. The couch Abby had purchased was a sectional and honestly way too big. After he _may_ have pushed the couch forward a little too hard, Clarke reassigned him to help Monty and Jasper. He tried to play it off as a stumble, but Clarke obviously didn’t buy it. Neither did Miller, who took his place, but not before shooting him a look he could only interpret as, _Dude, cool down._

The goodbye between Abby and Clarke was much more mellow. It was closer to tense. Abby hugged her tightly, but Clarke went rigid. Bellamy wondered for what felt like the hundredth time since Christmas what was going on there. The memory of her in his front yard, tears streaming down her face, still tore at his heart. Since that night, Clarke would only go to her mom’s house if someone went with her. Most of her packing had been done while Abby was at work or with friends.

After a few seconds, Clarke pushed away from her mother. Abby’s jaw tensed. She blinked back tears as she watched Clarke link arms with Wells and pulled him toward the moving truck. When she noticed Bellamy watching her, she nodded to him. He nodded and turned back to the truck where Wells and Clarke were speaking in hushed tones. They only spoke loud enough for him to hear once (“I get why you’re mad, but you have to let this go eventually.”) before Wells pulled her into a hug.

An impatient shout from Miller interrupted their moment, though, and Wells went running off toward the car. It left Bellamy and Clarke alone in the truck with a twenty-minute drive toward the college and her new apartment. Clarke leaned her head against the window for a long time, staring out at the sun and the clouds. Bellamy waited. He knew she would speak when it was time. At one point, he nudged her in the side with a water bottle and she accepted graciously, but she didn’t speak until they were about five minutes out.

“You need to be nicer to Lincoln.”

“What?” He would have been less surprised, but he had been so distracted thinking about how nice it was to have someone he could be so comfortable with.

“You need to stop whatever protective older brother thing you have going on. Lincoln isn’t going to bend over like Atom did. You’re not going to scare him away.”

Bellamy’s hands tightened on the wheel. “I don’t have to do anything.”

“Do you want to lose her for real this time?” Clarke’s voice was soft, but forceful. “Lincoln’s a _good_ guy, Bellamy. He loves her. A lot. And if you took the time to get to know him, I think you two could actually be friends.”

He gritted his teeth and tried to think of a response. The problem was, she was right, but he didn’t want to think about someone almost his age being _in love_ with his baby sister. Especially not after they had only been officially dating for three months.

When he finally parked in front of her building, she turned to face him with her arms crossed. Their friends loudly ran to the back of the truck and slid the door open, but Clarke stayed put.

“What do you want me to say, Clarke?”

“That you’ll make an effort to be less of a dick?”

He rolled his eyes. “Thanks a lot.”

“You know it’s true.”

A knock on the window startled them both. Wells waved from the other side, his eyes wide. “You guys, I think we need you.”

With a sigh, Clarke and Bellamy hopped out of the truck. A semi-comical, yet highly dangerous scene greeted them. Monty and Jasper were trying to help a flustered Lincoln move their giant couch. Miller kept trying to jump in, but Jasper kept waving him away.

“I really don’t think this is a good idea,” Lincoln said.

“Seriously! We got this!” Jasper adjusted his grip on the arm. _On the arm._

Monty was at least trying to hold onto the base of the couch. “Are you sure, Jasper?”

“Yeah, come on! Just lift some more.”

Bellamy and Clarke shared a resigned look before he ran over and pushed them out of the way, hoisting up the bottom of the couch. Lincoln raised an eyebrow at him and Bellamy shrugged awkwardly under the weight. “Let’s go.” He winked at Clarke, who was watching him carefully as they walked by. “Could your mom have picked a bigger couch, Princess? I hope you know you’re hosting movie night for the rest of your life.”

* * *

Clarke knew she was lucky. It took less than two hours to get everything moved into the apartment, because she and O had _awesome_ friends. The only one missing was Raven, but she had to pick between going to the ocean or helping them move and the ocean was the obvious choice. Raven had still been texting all day with apologies.

There was one box left in the back of truck. As she walked down the ramp, she found almost all of them gathered on the curb. “What are you guys doing?”

Wells gritted his teeth. Miller pulled his beanie down over his eyes. Harper shook her head and Jasper buried his head in his hands. Monty grimaced, but at least he was brave enough to speak. “Bellamy and Octavia started arguing again as soon as you left.”

She groaned and looked up at the sky. Bellamy had been doing _such_ a good job working with Lincoln and she couldn’t believe he was blowing it. “How bad is it?”

“It’s not ‘Atom’ bad.”

“I doubt it’ll escalate too much,” Harper added.

“You should still probably go stop them,” Wells said.

“Fine, I’ve got it.” She glared at all of them. “Everyone can just hide down here.”

“Thanks!” They all called after her as she trudged up the stairs.

Lincoln hurried over to her when she walked in the door and took the box out of her hands. “I was about to come down for this.”

“It’s not heavy.” Clarke didn’t see anyone else in the apartment. “Where are they?”

He nodded toward the bedrooms and led her into the kitchen so he could set the box down on the counter. “They stopped yelling pretty fast.”

“So I don’t need to referee?”

“I doubt it.” He chuckled and leaned back against the counter. “Everyone else cleared out of here. Are you sure you wouldn’t rather hide with them outside?”

Of course, Octavia chose that moment to yell that she’d make her own damn choices and Bellamy didn’t need to interfere in her relationships anymore. “It’s unofficially my job to make sure they don’t kill each other.”

“How’d you end up with that job?”

Clarke shrugged. “Sometimes Bellamy’s actually willing to listen. It just takes the right approach. When O wouldn’t learn how, it kind of forced me to instead.”

Lincoln smiled. “O’s talked about their dads leaving. I think it would be hard to be in Bellamy’s position. Especially with Aurora asking so much of him. And, Octavia doesn’t help at all.”

“What do you mean?”

“Octavia is….” He hesitated and looked around the corner at the still closed bedroom door. “She’s incredibly strong-willed. So is Bellamy. He can see that she’s grown up and doesn’t need him the way he’s used to being needed. Which is probably why he’s started projecting all that onto all of your friends, too. I hope we can be friends eventually, but I can be patient while he figures out I’d never hurt Octavia.”

Clarke grinned at him. He had figured Bellamy out in less than three interactions, which was way faster than she had and she prided herself on being able to read him. Before she could say anything, the bedroom door slammed open. She covered her mouth trying not to laugh at Lincoln’s shock as someone stomped out into the living room.

“Bell, wait!” Octavia shouted.

“O, I’m just going to give you a little space and return the moving truck for you guys. I’ll be back in like a half hour.”

“No, I just wanted to tell you that—”

“Hey. Hey. O, listen. I get it. You don’t need someone else to make your decisions, but I’m always going to want to protect you, okay?”

“Bell—”

“Let me finish. I talked to Clarke, and well… it’s obvious that Lincoln really cares about you. I mean, he’s put up with your shitty brother and shitty friends for an entire day. He helped you move a shit-ton of stuff into your new apartment. He’s even staying to help you guys unpack. Maybe he’s not as bad as I originally thought.”

Octavia squealed and Clarke poked her head out of the kitchen in time to see her throw her arms around his neck. “I knew you’d come around!”

“I wouldn’t say I’m around.” He squeezed Octavia. “But I’m closer to it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry to inform you all that these lighter chapters are about to come to an end. Two more chapters and it's going to get real rough, real fast... but don't worry. I think these people have learned how to be there for each other, right?
> 
> Come hang out with me on [Tumblr](http://ilovethisship.tumblr.com/)! We can all get through this horrible hiatus together!


	43. Chapter 43

It was still unclear how her alarm didn’t get set, but most of the seats were full by the time Clarke made it to class. She found a seat as close to the front as possible and set up her stuff. Some students always gave her weird looks on the first day of any class. Most of the people she knew used laptops for note taking, but she preferred to write things out. She also needed somewhere to sketch while she waited for the class to start.

A stack of papers landed directly on top of her notebook, forcing her to mess up on the bunny she was drawing. She scoffed and glanced up at the TA, who was apparently an asshole, and gasped loudly.

Bellamy put on a stern face. “Take one and pass it down please.”

Clarke didn’t have time to formulate a response before he smirked and continued down the line. Usually, syllabus days were Clarke’s favorite. An entire overview of the course material, a layout of all the assignments, the schedule of all the quizzes and tests? Structure was… calming. But today, all she could do was watch him doing whatever the hell his job was as the TA. It didn’t help that he kept catching her eye with some fake innocuous expression that might fool anyone else, but she could read him like a fucking book. Like the world’s most obnoxious fucking book.

He had _laughed_ at her when he saw ‘From Athena to Lady Gaga: Art in the Modern Imagination’ on her schedule. She had tried to counter by listing everything in the class description.

 _“The Lascaux caves, Bellamy.”_  
_“Lady Gaga, Clarke.”_  
_“Raphael. Michelangelo. The Baroque movement. The neo-classicist movement.”_  
_“Lady Gaga.” He smirked._  
_“Monet. Picasso. Jackson Pollock.”_  
_“Lady Gaga’s in the fucking name, Princess. How am I supposed to take a class seriously when Lady Gaga’s in the name? What does she have to do with art history?”_  
_“Oh, come on. Have you seen her outfits? Have you read anything about her?”_  
_“You refuse to listen to her music. You refused to go to that concert with O last year.”_  
_Clarke shrugged. “I’m not a fan of surrealism and her outfits are a little much for me. That doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate the fact that it’s technically art and some people may enjoy it.”_

The professor started to discuss the assignment list, snapping Clarke back to reality. She refused to look at Bellamy’s stupid grin. But that was when it finally dawned on Clarke. Two short five-page papers, a midterm, one longer ten-page paper, and then a final… and Bellamy fucking Blake would be grading _all_ of them.

There were fifteen minutes left when the professor said, “That’s about it for the day. My TA, Bellamy Blake, has the list of groups for discussions and peer edits. Stop by and get your group info before you leave.” There was an hour before her next class, so Clarke let most of the class rush to line up at the front before her under the guise of packing up her stuff. She ended up behind a pair of girls who wouldn’t stop giggling about the “hot TA”. One even pulled her shirt down a little before she leaned over the desk to look at the list. To his credit, Bellamy only glanced at her before looking up at Clarke. She stuck a finger in her mouth and pretended to gag, smiling when he had to choke back a laugh.

She smirked at him when she finally reached the desk. He plastered a grin on his face. “Name?”

“Clarke Griffin,” she said, struggling to hold in a smile.

Bellamy ran his finger along the list and put his chin in his other hand. “Hmmm, I’m not seeing any royalty on this list.”

Clarke rolled her eyes and pulled the list away from him, leaning in. “Lady Gaga, huh?” She barely exhaled the question.

“I’ve heard she’s a _fantastic_ artist,” he muttered.

“You saw this class on my schedule.”

He nodded and murmured assent with a serious look, as though they were talking about assignments or attendance or anything else.

“You knew.”

He nodded again.

“You didn’t say anything.”

“I wanted to surprise you.” She looked up from the paper she was writing her group information on to see a stupid grin on his face again.

The person behind her chose that moment to clear their throat loudly and she realized it probably looked like they were flirting. Bellamy was already starting to glare at them when Clarke turned around to glare herself. She absentmindedly hoped that the guy wasn’t in her group as she turned back to Bellamy and tried to sound as cheerful as possible. “Thanks. See you Wednesday.”

The science building was on the other side of campus. Clarke dug her phone out of her purse to check it as she made her way through the masses.

 **Monty**  
10:10am  
_Calc isn’t the same without you._  
_Jasper’s been moping the whole class._  
_Why did you decide to take Stats instead?_

 **Wells**  
10:16am  
_Did you wake up on time?_  
_I told you that hiding behind that bench waiting for Miller to come by was a bad idea._  
_He wasn’t even that scared._

 **Octavia**  
10:21am  
_Important question._  
_How many classes do you think I can skip and still pass?_  
_Like, you still have all your old psych notes right?_

 **Bellamy**  
10:27am  
_Surprise, Princess!_

Clarke stopped walking so she could angrily type out a reply to the last one. It wasn’t even entirely clear to her why she was suddenly so mad at him, but the more she thought about it, the angrier she got.

 **Clarke**  
11:51am  
_How in the hell did you land a TA gig for an art history class?_

She stared at her phone for a few minutes, waiting for a response, until someone bumped her as they walked by. She was about to yell, but realized she _was_ standing in the middle of the sidewalk. Frustrated, still for no real reason which was even more frustrating, she shoved her phone back into her purse and finished her walk to the science building. Once she found an empty bench nearby, she sat and took her phone back out.

 **Bellamy**  
12:01pm  
_Your Roman art history class last quarter really piqued my interest._  
_My grad advisor hooked me up._

 **Clarke**  
12:06pm  
_You didn’t even tell me you were going to be a TA for any class._  
_You told me you were thinking about it._  
_Not that it was a real thing that was happening._

 _Oh._ That’s why she was mad. She’d looked into being an undergrad TA, but opted not to in the long run. It was pretty demanding just as an undergrad. It would be twice as much work for a grad student.

 **Bellamy**  
12:07pm  
_You’re not going to lose your hookup at the café. I’ll still be there on the weekends._

**Clarke**   
12:09  
_You’re not going to have time to hang out anymore._  
_Isn’t that basically a job?_  
_When am I even going to see you?_

Bellamy didn’t respond. He was ruining syllabus day for her and he didn’t even bother to respond. Clarke stared at her phone for a solid five minutes before she grabbed her things and found her class. Thankfully, there were no surprises during her physics class, but she had another hour to kill before statistics. The math building was right by the science building so she found a place to sit again and pulled out her phone. It was still blank.

She was halfway through typing out a moderately scathing text when a floating iced coffee drink covered in whipped cream appeared in front of her. Well, it wasn’t floating. It was attached to a hand that was attached to an annoyed looking Bellamy. She glared before reluctantly accepting it. He just _had_ to pick that moment to remind her that he knew her coffee order in any weather. A white paper bag landed in her lap as he sat next to her, too. There was a turkey sandwich inside.

“Bribery isn’t going to work, Blake.”

“Come on. I know you’ve got some time to kill. I also know that you weren’t going to eat lunch and that you probably skipped breakfast.” She scoffed and took a bite of her sandwich. He nudged her knee with his and smiled at her. “I mean, I don’t know about you, but I did not want to get up this morning. Miller was still super pissed, by the way.”

Clarke snorted and took another bite. Miller’s face _was_ priceless. It was what he deserved, telling them his routine. Campus security guards were supposed to be more random with their routes and they agreed that he needed some encouragement.

They ate in silence for a few minutes and it gave Clarke a little time to calm down. When she was done with the first half of her sandwich, she folded her hands in her lap and looked over at him. He was happily chewing a bite and lost in people watching, so it took him a moment to realize _she_ was watching _him_.

“Don’t be a creep, Princess,” he said after he swallowed.

Clarke frowned. “Sorry for getting freaked out. You know I—”

“You don’t like surprises on syllabus day. I know.” He put his sandwich down in his lap and shrugged. “I thought I’d be a nice surprise.”

“Oh, come on.” Clarke elbowed him gently. “Of _course_ you’re a nice surprise. If I have to be surprised, I’d rather it be you.” He smiled at her and she frowned. “You’re going to be so busy, though. You’re not going to have time for the little people.”

“You know you’re never going to be little people. Come on.” He slung his arm over her shoulder and pulled her into his side. “Plus, you’ll see me every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday for at least an hour and a half. I’m like a built-in lunch date this quarter.”

“And you’re a creepy stalker who remembered that I have a break between my classes on Monday and Friday.”

“And an even longer break on Wednesdays, because you don’t have Physics.” Clarke laughed out loud and set her head on his shoulder. He squeezed her one more time before pulling away. “I’ll be busier this year, sure, but you’re my… one of my best friends. Plus, you live with my sister. You’re never getting rid of me.”

Clarke looked down at her lap, trying to hide her smile. Bellamy Blake was probably the best surprise she’d ever had in her life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come hang out with me on [Tumblr](http://ilovethisship.tumblr.com/)!


	44. Chapter 44

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is shorter, but I think that's because the next few chapters are much longer. I'm just running through some last rounds of edits with those, so hopefully I can have one or two up by the weekend!
> 
> Editing these notes: So, the next few months in this story are fairly depressing and the chapters really are much longer. I just went and looked at the word counts and I think having two more up by the weekend is a little optimistic. But one more this week? That I can do. Then another this weekend, because I've made plans to not leave my apartment.

It had been an insanely long day and an even longer week. Clarke only had two classes on Thursdays, but she also volunteered at the children’s hospital monitoring the inpatient playroom. The late shift ended at 8:30 and she had statistics quizzes every Friday morning. There wasn’t much of a place to paint in her apartment, so sometimes she rented a studio space in the art building twice a week, but that meant she didn’t get home before O went to bed. Sometimes, she really doubted the judgment she hadn’t employed while putting her schedule together for the quarter.

She wasn’t the only busy one in the group. All of her friends had officially declared their majors at the end of the previous year. For the first time in two years, she didn’t have a class with any of them. Miller worked nights, studying for the police academy in his free time, and Harper was busy with law school. Clarke did see Bellamy in her art history class, but he was the T.A. and it wasn’t the same. They couldn’t study together and he was so busy with his grad school work that it felt like her class was the only time she got to see him.

The hallway to her apartment seemed much too long. Her keys were somewhere in the deep recesses of her purse and she really didn’t feel like digging through it to find them. She set her head against the door less softly than intended and sighed, ignoring the twinge. Eventually, she decided to try the doorknob, even though Octavia didn’t usually get home until after ten.

“Huh.” It worked.

Clarke was trying to figure out when she had developed telekinesis when she saw someone in her living room. And not just any someone. Bellamy Blake had taken over half her coffee table. He had been hunched over some papers, but jumped when he heard the door open. She was about to say hi, but he launched into an apologetic explanation before she had a chance.

“I’m sorry I’ve taken over. Miller’s at home all the time lately. He only works weird hours, so I can’t concentrate there. I’m supposed to be building this curriculum from scratch for class and I have this huge stack of papers to grade and please don’t tell Professor Etter that I brought them over to your place, because I’ve worked really hard to hide that. Oh my god, what was I thinking? When I saw you were taking this class, I should have told her, right? Why did I bring these here? There has to be some kind of ethical line I’ve been crossing.”

Clarke watched him for a moment and he showed no signs of stopping. He had clearly had a hard day, too.  She set her bag down near him at the table, then moved into the kitchen and made some coffee. It looked like he didn’t even notice her go into the kitchen. He had his head in his hands, currently talking about the person who was supposed to partner with him on his curriculum project and how useless they had been. She shook her head and smiled. One sugar in his, nothing in hers, she carried two cups of coffee over to the table and sat one down in front of him before sitting next to him.

He didn’t seem to hear her set his cup down, but he heard her pull her book out of her bag and looked up, stopping completely.

“My stats class is driving me fucking crazy,” she said, sipping her coffee and nodding to his cup.

“What?”

“I don’t know why I decided to take statistics instead of calc three with Monty and Jasper.” He wrinkled his brow and frowned at her. “Take a drink of your coffee.”

“I’m clearly unhinged right now and you want me to drink coffee?”

She shrugged. “Honestly, you look like you could use it.”

“Thanks a lot, Princess.” The sarcasm in his voice pulled at her stomach until he chuckled lightly and finally took a sip. Tension started to leave his shoulders almost immediately and he leaned back onto the front of the couch.

“I know it goes without saying, but I won’t say anything to Professor Etter. Even when you gave me that B, it was a fair grade. I slacked on that paper.”

He rolled his eyes. “And yet, you came home and threw it at me.”

She shrugged again. “Well, maybe you shouldn’t have given me a B the same day Wells forced me to go to a family dinner.” He opened his mouth to complain, she could see it in his eyes, so she held up a hand. “I never said I was consistent.”

He nudged her knee with his and she fought back a grin. “I really am sorry I took over your living room, Princess.”

“No, you’re not.” She did grin, then.

“Nah, not really.” He took another sip of coffee and smiled. “I kind of missed you this week, anyway.”

“Yeah, where have you been? I had to buy my own lunch yesterday. It was tragic.”

He bumped her with his shoulder and laughed again when she bumped him back. “Etter’s got two of these classes, forty-five students each. That’s _ninety_ papers I’ve been working on grading. So, I’ve been in her office.”

“Lame.”

“Yeah.”

They sat in silence for a moment, sipping on their coffee. Clarke scooted closer so she could lean her head on his shoulder. Sometimes, in moments like these where Clarke found herself (literally) leaning on Bellamy, she thought about how far their friendship had come. The fact that he was here, venting to her, was frankly astonishing. And, she thought, maybe a little inevitable. They were two sides of the same coin, which was probably why they had driven each other so crazy at first.

She jumped when he lightly kissed her hair. “Thanks for bringing me back to the world of logic.”

She stared at him and a blush creeped up into his cheeks that she was sure was mirrored in her own. “Uh, any time. You know that.”

The door opened and Clarke almost spilled the rest of her coffee on herself. “Clarke, are you home? What’s the door doing un…locked?” Octavia stared at the scene on her living room floor and frowned for a minute. Clarke looked down at her feet while Bellamy fidgeted beside her. “Hey, why didn’t you tell me you guys were studying tonight? Are you _trying_ to hurt my feelings?”

Bellamy scoffed. “I needed a quiet place to do some homework. Clarke came home. She made coffee. That’s about it.”

“No hurt feelings necessary, O.” Clarke set her cup down and climbed up the couch to lean over the back, grinning at her. “There’s some coffee left in the kitchen, sweetheart.”

Octavia grinned and tossed her bag down. “This is why I love you. Bell, smack my hot wife on the ass for me, will you?”

Clarke spun around and placed her butt firmly on the couch, glaring at him. To his credit, his cheeks were flushed again and he said, “I haven’t had nearly enough alcohol to think that’s a smart idea.”

She could feel her own face heating up and tried to hide it by getting her notes from the day out of her bag. It didn’t bother her that he didn’t want to smack her ass. That would be crazy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, a huge thank you to everyone for sticking with this story! <3 We're actually pretty close to what we're all here for, I promise. You've all been so amazing and I appreciate you so much!


	45. Chapter 45

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to start this with a short story about how I had to cut this chapter in half when I first started edits a few weeks ago. So, this part was 2255 words when I split the chapter originally. But, as I mentioned a few chapters ago, I have this new editing trick I've been trying. When I went through and edited this chapter over the past few days, I accidentally added 800 words and now it's 3016 words of sadness. I'm only sort of sorry. I haven't started the edits on the next chapter yet, because holy shit this is draining.
> 
> Second, I accidentally deleted a comment on the last chapter and I'm so sorry! I was going to click reply and apparently I'm too tired, because I definitely did not click reply. :( I didn't mean to! foreveryoung, I'm so sorry and I love your comments!
> 
> Also, content warning for this chapter. This is where the mentions of cancer specifically come into play. As I mentioned above, it's 3000 words of sadness.

Wells had this infuriating habit of tricking Clarke into family functions. It seemed impossible that he could forgive her mother for letting him shoulder all that blame for years. The logical part of her knew he was more forgiving and she had never had an easy time with it. That didn't make it any less frustrating when he convinced her to go home for Thanksgiving and she arrived at her mother's house to find out that the Jahas were out of town for the holiday.

 **Clarke**  
11:27am  
_I can't believe you thought this was sneaky._  
_I can't believe you in general._

 **Wells**  
11:30am  
_What was that?_  
_azzxdfaesgxvz_  
_Sorry, my phone is breaking up._  
_sarezvxdgawesgz_  
_We're in a really bad service area._

 **Clarke**  
11:32am  
_Oh, you're sooooo funny._

 **Wells**  
11:34am  
_You love me._

 **Clarke**  
11:35am  
_Not right now I don't._

Abby retreated to the kitchen once it became clear that Clarke wasn't there of her own volition. She seemed content to let Clarke make up her mind about whether or not she would stay. When she said she understood why Clarke was upset and would give her all the time she needed, Clarke was pretty sure her mother had been replaced by an alien. Or a robot. Or some creepy AI that didn't know who it was emulating.

The only other place she wanted to be was with the Blakes, but she wasn't sure she wanted to continue to infringe on their family time. There was a fine line and she wasn't sure if she was crossing it. Bellamy and O swore she wasn't, and Aurora did always invite her to family dinner, but Clarke tried not to go every time.

But they were still the only people she thought of when she wanted to run away. She could just go home, but they'd probably be more frustrated with her if they found her there later.

 **Clarke**  
11:51am  
_Were you in on this little conspiracy?_

 **Bellamy**  
11:54am  
_I wondered if he'd actually make it until today without you finding out._  
_I told him it was a stupid idea._  
_But he wanted to try anyway._

 **Clarke**  
11:56am  
_I don't know what I'm supposed to do now._

 **Bellamy**  
11:58am  
_For what it's worth_  
_I already told mom you might be coming by today anyway._  
_We can also bring you leftovers if you don't want to drive all the way up here._

 **Clarke**  
12:02pm  
_Thanks Bellamy._  
_I'll let you know, okay?_  
_I might try to stick it out._

 **Bellamy**  
12:03pm  
_No pressure._  
_But make up your mind soon._  
_We have only have 2 more hours with our phones._

 **Clarke**  
12:05pm  
_No promises._  
_And don't worry about me._  
_I'll only call in an emergency like if we decide to murder each other_  
_So change my ringtone to something appropriately alarming and leave your volume on high._

 **Bellamy**  
12:08pm  
_I don't know if she'll be more pissed at you or me._  
_But for highest impact, call around 4:30._

It wasn’t ideal, but Clarke finally listened to her mother’s apology. It hadn’t quite been four years, but that wasn’t that long and it was hard to reconcile herself with the fact that her mother had her _followed_ , because she thought her daughter was getting out of hand. Wells hadn’t made the call (which Clarke already knew), but it was Abby who pushed Jake to get behind the wheel that night.

Neither of them wanted what ultimately resulted from all of it.

There was nothing cathartic about the revelation, so Clarke eventually changed the subject. She stayed for her father’s sake. It was always a big deal to him to have the family together for the holiday, and she wasn’t honoring him well by ignoring her mother. Things didn’t have to be perfect.

Neither of them felt much like cooking after their talk, but they did it anyway. Clarke even humored her mother by changing into her pajamas. It was what they had done their first Thanksgiving alone. Her dad would have liked it.

They were preparing to put a game hen in the oven when Clarke’s phone rang. It wasn’t the alarm she had set for herself to call Bellamy. She shot her mom an apologetic glance (old habits die hard) and jogged across the room to look at it. Her stomach tied itself up in knots when she saw Octavia’s name.

“O? What’s going on? Bellamy said you guys had to give up your phones like an hour ago.”

_“Clarke?”_

“Yeah, I’m here. What’s–”

_“Are you still at your mom’s? Can you come to Ark Memorial? Can you bring her?”_

It had felt like her insides couldn’t drop any lower, but she was apparently wrong. “Yeah. Yes. Of course. Are you okay? Is Bellamy okay?”

 _“No. I mean, yeah. We’re fine. It’s…. Mom collapsed.”_ O’s voice finally broke.

“We’ll leave right now. Right now, okay?” Clarke ran out of the kitchen and grabbed her shoes, along with a pair of her mom’s. “Do you need me to stay on the phone?”

_“I need to call Lincoln. But you’re coming?”_

“Yes. Thirty minutes max. I promise.” Clarke waited for O to say anything else as she hurried back into the kitchen. When she pushed her mom’s shoes into her arms, Abby’s mouth fell open, but Clarke turned around to find their coats before she could protest. She could still hear Octavia’s jagged breathing on the other end. “Hey, O, I love you, okay? We’ll be there soon.”

_“Thanks Clarke. I love you, too.”_

* * *

If there was one thing Bellamy hated in the world, it was the incessant beeping from hospital equipment. Even after his mom got better, any time he heard it in a movie or a TV show, he cringed. Being in an actual hospital again shook him to his core. They were out in the waiting room, but he could still hear the beeping everywhere. It was surrounding them. It was deafening. He kept his head in his hands, staring at the floor.

The air around him started to crackle. He could feel it on his skin. It pulled his gaze up in time to see Octavia already halfway across the room. He stared blankly, because he wasn’t entirely convinced that Clarke wasn’t the hallucination his brain had come up with in an attempt to comfort him. But then his sister was throwing her arms around her neck. Clarke pressed a kiss to her cheek and they stood there, foreheads pressed together while they whispered back and forth. Tears poured down both their cheeks.

Minutes felt like hours and also seconds. He had no idea how long they stood there that way before she turned her eyes to him, but she did eventually and he could feel the weight of the air on his skin again. Octavia had left the room, but Clarke was walking toward him. When she sat down next to him on the couch and opened her mouth, the beeping stopped.

“Bellamy.” His name was all she said, her voice rough in an attempt to contain her emotions. He couldn’t look at her anymore without breaking, so he put his head back in his hands.

At first, she settled her hand on his lower back. When he didn’t move, she slid her other arm between his stomach and arms and set her cheek on his shoulder. His strength left him, then, and he relaxed into her with a broken exhale.

“Bellamy, it’s going to be okay. My mom’s in there now and she’ll come out soon and tell us everything is going to be okay. She’s going to know how to fix this.”

He listened to her chant platitudes like prayers and set his head on hers. She linked her left ankle behind his right and grabbed his hand. He stared down at their linked fingers and watched as her thumb moved in circles along the back of his hand. When she started rubbing circles into his lower back, he sighed and leaned into it.

Octavia finally came back with Lincoln. Bellamy wondered what he had thought when he pulled up to their house only to find it empty. They sat on his other side and settled in for the wait.

By the time Abby came out with a chart in her hand, sweats tucked into her fluffy boots, he realized that the Griffins hadn’t even taken the time to change clothes before driving across the city to get there. He hadn’t even registered the fact that Clarke was wearing almost the exact same outfit. Abby’s eyes swept across the group, her mouth in a tight line. She looked tired as she pulled up a chair in front of them. Clarke somehow managed to hold both of his hands in one of hers and reached across him to grab onto Octavia’s knee.

“Bellamy, Octavia. Do you want to talk alone?”

He couldn’t speak, but O turned it down for the both of them. He was glad, because he was pretty sure that if Clarke left, the beeping would start burrowing into his brain again.

“Okay, well.” She hesitated. He could feel what she was about to say in his bones. This part of her job had to suck. “I wish I had better news. I spoke with your mother’s doctors and… well, it sounds like she’s been ignoring these symptoms for some time. They’re running a few tests to confirm it, but it is highly likely that your mother’s cancer is back. Frankly, I’m a little worried. I don’t want to give you false hope. If the cancer is back, they’ll try everything that they can, but early detection is incredibly important in these cases.”

Bellamy didn’t want to hear about the tests they needed to perform or the treatment options that might work. It was all still fresh in his mind, even though it had been six years since he heard them. Of course, there were new clinical trials. That was when he stopped listening and buried his forehead into Clarke’s neck.

* * *

Clarke sat in the passenger seat in silence. It was hard to be mad at her mother after seeing what Bellamy and Octavia were going through, but she _was_ frustrated that they were leaving. She toyed with her phone, not sure if she should wait to text Bellamy. Octavia knew Clarke would be back first thing in the morning, but she wanted to make sure that he knew they weren’t alone in everything.

“Clarke? Honey?”

“Hmm?” She wondered how long her mom had been trying to get her attention. “Sorry, I’m distracted.”

Abby patted her on the knee. “I know. It’s hard to know how to be there for someone in a situation like this. You were so great with them, though.” She started to chew on her lip and tapped a nonsense rhythm into the steering wheel. Clarke was content to wait until she said whatever else was on her mind. It didn’t take long. “This seems like a strange question to ask at a time like this, but I’m curious. How long have you been with Bellamy?”

That was enough to fully snap Clarke back to the present. “What?!”

“You didn’t tell me you two were dating. I was just wondering how long you and Bellamy had been together. The last time we _really_ talked, you two were still figuring out how to be friends.”

“What are you talking about? Bellamy and I aren’t together.”

Abby laughed softly. “So, you hold hands with all of your friends?”

Clarke hesitated, thinking about it for a moment. She wasn’t _not_ affectionate with her other friends, but she could see where the confusion might come from. They all hugged and occasionally sat on each other or cuddled on the couch if they had been drinking. It was true that she and Bellamy were probably the most physical with each other out of the group. They were always in each other’s personal space and it had really just _happened_ without her realizing it, so there was no good way to explain it.

“I guess not,” she finally responded. “But… it’s Bellamy.”

“It’s Bellamy?”

Clarke shrugged even though Abby wasn’t looking at her. “Yeah. That’s just what we do.”

She was grateful that Abby let it go at that. If her mother asked for more of an explanation, Clarke wasn’t sure what she would say.

* * *

Aurora went home after a couple of days. She claimed that she didn’t want to drain their already meager inheritance away with hospital bills. One of the Blake siblings had a harder time “allowing” that than the other. ( _“I don’t always like your decisions. You don’t have to like mine.”_ ) The two of them worked out a schedule so that someone was with her almost all of the time. It took some doing, but Clarke and Abby managed to insert themselves into the schedule as well.

Still, she ended up back in the hospital after a few weeks. Clarke finished up her shift at the clinic and checked her phone to find a voicemail from Octavia.

 _Hey, it’s me. Mom collapsed again. We’re back at Ark Memorial. Your mom’s already here…._ Her voice trailed off for a moment, but the steady beeping in the background kept Clarke listening. _Things don’t look good, Clarke. I know you’re working, but come as soon as you can. Mom keeps saying she wants to talk to you. Love you. I hope you get here soon._

It was all too surreal. It didn’t feel like a thing that was happening. Even in the face of a grim prognosis, Aurora had been constantly optimistic. The Blakes seemed immortal, impervious to harm, and the last few weeks had been a rude awakening for Clarke.

When she arrived at the hospital, she found Aurora’s room and rushed back. Bellamy was sitting in a chair at the side of the bed and O was sitting on the bed, both clinging onto one of her hands. She saw Clarke first and greeted her, voice weaker than the last time they had seen each other. “Oh, sweetheart, I’m so glad you could make it.”

It was the same thing she said any time Clarke showed up for lunch or dinner on the weekend and it hurt. Both Bellamy and Octavia jumped and turned their heads, but Aurora kept speaking.

“Bellamy, will you go find me something to eat? Chips or something from the vending machine? Octavia, you should go call that handsome boyfriend of yours and see when he’ll get here.”

They both reluctantly assented. O squeezed Clarke’s hand on the way out. Bellamy hesitated more than his sister, but eventually agreed. He attempted to smile and almost walked right past her, but Clarke grabbed his arm. They shared a wordless conversation. _Are you okay right now?_ and _How could I possibly be okay right now?_ She hugged him tightly and he let it last longer than she expected, but he still left without saying anything.

“Will you come sit with me?” Aurora patted the bed next to her.

Clarke swallowed hard and nodded. The first step was the hardest. It was like trying to walk in the shallow end of the pool and it didn’t get easier as she crossed the room. Aurora’s face was gaunt and pale. It looked like she hadn’t slept in days. Clarke took her hand as she sat down on the bed and could feel each individual bone. She had lost too much weight. But it was a time for strength. Crying could, and would, come later.

“Oh, honey, don’t worry about me.” Aurora patted her hand. “I knew this was coming.”

Clarke frowned. “How long have you known for sure?”

“It’s been a few months. Before that hospital visit. And you know the doctors weren’t optimistic about treatment options. I wanted to enjoy the time I had left, not suffer through it, poked day in and day out, tubes everywhere. You and your mom were more than enough medical supervision.”

Aurora smiled and Clarke tried to come up with the laugh she wanted, but it wouldn’t come. “There isn’t anything they can do?”

“There are no guarantees.” A tear ran down Aurora’s cheek, making it harder for Clarke to maintain her composure. “I wish I didn’t have to leave them, but I’m ready to go.”

“Don’t say that.”

“I’m ready to go, because I know I’m not leaving them alone. It’s important to me that you know how much I appreciate how much you’ve done for us. For my kids. Not just helping us out the last few weeks, but ever since they met you. You’ve had such an impact on both of them and I’m so happy that they know you.” She paused for a moment to cough and Clarke handed her the glass of water from the table. When she finished taking a drink, she smiled. “I’m so glad they have you, Clarke. I hope you know how much you mean to this family.”

“I hope you know how much your family means to me.”

“I really do.” A truly contagious grin spread across Aurora’s face. Clarke couldn’t help smiling back, even as a heaviness weighed down on her chest.

When Bellamy came back, Clarke could see him trying to figure out what they had talked about, but she wanted to hold onto it for a little while. She gave Aurora a long hug and managed not to cry until she left to go find Lincoln in the waiting room.

Clarke knew that things were bad, because Abby didn’t try to make her go home once Bellamy and O were set up in Aurora’s room for the night. She was grateful that Lincoln stayed, because Abby was back with the staff, so she would have been alone. They talked about finals, the classes they were going to take next quarter, but her heart wasn’t in the small talk. Once Lincoln realized it, he just squeezed her hand before leaning back in his spot. It took some time, but eventually, they both fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yikes, super sorry to cut off where it's at right now... it was really hard to find an appropriate place to cut the original chapter in half. I tried splitting it in multiple places and hated them all and this was the one I hated the least. In the end, I opted to get most of the hospital part out of the way so that the next chapter could focus on the leaving the hospital part. Most of the times I've been in hospitals have been horrible. But yeah, if you're reading this and thinking "What was she thinking?" know that this and the next chapter were originally one. I believe that I can get the next chapter out by Saturday. That's my current goal and I'm pretty sure I can stick to it.
> 
> You can also come find me on [Tumblr](http://ilovethisship.tumblr.com/). I post everything there, too.


	46. Chapter 46

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, here's another content warning: this is where the "Minor Character Death" tag actually comes into play. I don't have a lot to say about it. I kind of based it off of a hospital experience I had (not with a parent, but with a grandparent), so it was really hard to write, but I hope that at least made it impactful. 
> 
> And while I was editing this chapter, I discovered that I forgot to write the ending to it, so I accidentally added on another 600 words. This chapter is even longer than the last one.

_It is a curious thing, the death of a loved one. We all know that our time in this world is limited, and that eventually all of us will end up underneath some sheet, never to wake up. And yet, it is always a surprise when it happens to someone we know. It is like walking up the stairs to your bedroom in the dark, and thinking there is one more stair than there is. Your foot falls down, through the air, and there is a sickly moment of dark surprise as you try and readjust the way you thought of things. – Daniel Handler_

Aurora died at three o’clock in the morning. Clarke had seen cadavers in her anatomy class, but when her dad passed away, her mother wouldn’t let her see him. The car accident had been so bad that they had no choice but to have a closed casket. Nothing could prepare her for the sight of someone she cared about, someone she loved, someone who she had just had a conversation with hours ago, lying motionless on a bed.

The room was quiet. Everything had been unplugged. Someone had pulled Octavia and Bellamy out of the room to discuss the next steps and an orderly was on the way to take Aurora down to the morgue. It felt wrong to leave her alone. It looked like she was asleep. Clarke was sure that if she stepped too loudly, she would wake up and everything would be okay again. But she didn’t.

While she waited, she sat and held her hand. She cried and promised over and over to do everything she could for Octavia and Bellamy. This would be worse for them than it had been for her. They had only ever had their mom and Clarke had no idea what to do for them.

Octavia came back in with the orderly and Clarke jumped up, wiping her tears away. She had a brief respite from holding it in, but it wasn’t her turn anymore. It was time to be strong again. Still, nothing could have prepared her for the way it felt to watch her best friend see her mother be carted away by a stranger.

They sat on the floor together for a long time afterward. Clarke stroked Octavia’s hair while she sobbed into Clarke’s lap. The position hurt Clarke’s back, but if she tried to adjust herself, she was worried they would end up leaving the room. If they left the room, it would mean that the whole day was real. It felt like there was a chance that if they stayed, Clarke could wake up and find out that the whole night had been a really fucked up dream.

“Excuse me, Miss Blake?” A timid, almost-whisper broke through the silence of the room. Clarke glanced up, glaring at the interruption, frustrated by the weight of the reality settling in, but the nurse looked so uncomfortable that it was hard to remain annoyed. “I’m so sorry to interrupt, but we need one more signature.”

“I thought Bellamy was taking care of that?” Clarke’s question was directed more to Octavia, who frowned as she wiped her tears away.

“He was.” O looked at Clarke for help fixing a couple eyeliner smudges for her before they helped each other stand. “My boyfriend was with him. Did they go somewhere?”

“Your boyfriend is still outside, but we can’t find your brother. He needed a moment. We thought he was coming in here, but….”

* * *

Clarke had checked every place she could think of. She kicked herself internally for not going up to their house first, but she had started driving toward their apartments before she thought of the idea. The café was closed, but Bellamy had a key, so she made sure to check all the windows. It scared the poor girl who was prepping the store for opening, but he wasn’t there.

She drove by the bar Miller used to work at, but it was closed and empty. Bellamy’s car wasn’t there anyway, so she moved on to his apartment. Both O and Clarke had keys, so she let herself in. It was dark and she tried to be quiet, but Miller woke up when she tripped over the coffee table. Bellamy wasn’t there, either. Miller offered to wake up Harper and continue the search. Clarke made sure one of them would stay home if they decided to go look for him. Once she had his promise that he would call her immediately if Bellamy showed up, she left.

 **Clarke**  
5:42am  
_Hey, I’ve checked his place, the café, and Miller’s old bar._  
_Forgot bars aren't open at 5am_  
_No luck so far._  
_Just scared the shit out of Miller, though._  
_Running home to change clothes, because no lie? I’m pretty gross._  
_Any luck on your end?_

 **Octavia**  
5:45am  
_he hasn’t come back_  
_he left his phone here_  
_we’re pretty much done_  
_I think I’m going to go to Lincoln’s and try to get some sleep_  
_does that make me a bad sister?_

 **Clarke**  
5:53am  
_Come on, O._  
_He did leave without saying anything._  
_I’d be pissed off if I weren’t so worried._

 **Octavia**  
5:55am  
_Yeah, me too._  
_where else are you going to go?_  
_I can meet you, if you want._

 **Clarke**  
5:56am  
_No, I said I got this._  
_Go get some sleep._  
_I am a little offended that you think Lincoln’s a better cuddler, though._  
_I’m going to try a couple more places around campus_  
_Then I might drive up to your house._  
_That’s the only other place I can think of._

 **Octavia**  
5:58am  
_< 3 <3 <3_  
_Never. You’re way softer._  
_really though, i can meet you up there in about 45 if you want?_

 **Clarke**  
5:59am  
_Nope! Go try to get some sleep._  
_I promise I’ll come home after that and get some sleep of my own._  
_Love you lots._

 **Octavia**  
6:00am  
_Okay fine……_  
_Love you too_  
_Really_  
_more all the time_

When she sat back down in the driver’s seat and started the car, she realized she’d been awake for almost twenty-four hours. She wanted to brush her teeth and change her clothes, so she headed back toward her place. It would have been nice to have a nap, but she could at least make coffee while she was at home. After texting Octavia, she grabbed her bag and made her way up the stairs.

It seemed silly in hindsight that it hadn’t occurred to her that Bellamy might be sitting outside of her apartment. Yet, there he was, sitting on the ground with his head resting on his knees and his hands in his hair. Clarke hesitated. She worried that if she rushed him, he would leave. He didn’t seem to realize that she was standing there, though, so she approached him quietly. The only sign that he knew someone was there was the growing tension in his shoulders.

Clarke slid down the wall to sit next to him. “Hey. I’ve been looking for you.”

Bellamy shrugged.

“O’s going to Lincoln’s. You know, if you were looking for her.”

“I’m not.” His voice was muffled by his arms.

He was quiet again for a minute, but Clarke wasn’t sure what to say, so she just set a hand on his knee. When he finally looked at her, it was with puffy, bloodshot eyes. It took all of her self control to not immediately launch herself at him.

“Why didn’t you just go inside? You have a key.”

“I didn’t want to scare you guys.”

Clarke choked back a laugh and struggled over an appropriate response. Her gut reaction was to say something like, ‘Well, next time don’t disappear on everyone and leave your phone behind,’ but she wanted to hold back the snark. In the end, she just felt guilty. She knew Octavia came back to the room, because she needed to break down. It left Bellamy alone with Lincoln. They got along, sure, but that wasn’t exactly a relationship with the most emotional depth. Neither leaned on the other for support.

She scooted closer so their hips were touching. “I should have come out there with you guys. I’m sorry I left you alone.”

He shook his head and put his head back down into his arms. “They started asking about funeral homes, Clarke. Funeral homes and organ donation. Then, they gave me this checklist and there’s all this _stuff_ to do. When they asked me if I wanted to go say goodbye before they took her away, I didn’t know what to do. I just left. I didn’t mean to.” His voice shook, but he kept going. “The last thing she said to me was, ‘You’ll be okay,’ and I don’t know how I’m supposed to be.”

The last words came out with a shudder. Clarke’s heart pounded in her chest, because she knew there was a right and a wrong moment to hug someone after a family member died. She was terrified that she wasn’t who he wanted in that moment, but every shake of his shoulders broke her willpower a little more.

First, she carefully put one arm around the back of his neck and then slid the other across his stomach. She waited for a moment, hoping he wouldn’t pull away, before he wrapped his arms around her and set his forehead on her shoulder with an almost relieved sigh. She held in her own, tightened her grip, and they sat that way for a long time. Clarke allowed herself get lost in the tempo of his breathing as it started to calm, reveling in his body heat.

After she lost count of how many yawns she had held in, she pressed her forehead into his neck. “Do you want to go inside and try to sleep?”

Bellamy sighed, but nodded against her shoulder. It was no small effort to untangle themselves from each other, but they did before they helped each other stand, both a little cramped. She held onto his hand while she unlocked the door. There was only a _minor_ argument over sleeping arrangements (“Are you kidding? I’m not taking a bed after I freaked you guys out.”) but getting ready for bed was a mostly quiet affair. Clarke knew he would talk to her when he was ready. There would be time for that after they both got some sleep.

She sent a quick text off to Octavia and Miller to let them know Bellamy was there, then changed into a pair of pajama shorts and grabbed a couple pillows and blankets off of her bed. After she handed him a blanket and pillow, he watched her out of the side of his eye while she closed the blinds and set up her blanket on the other part of the sectional.

“What are you doing?” He finally broke the silence when she set her pillow down.

Clarke shrugged and looked him up and down. She decided to risk a joke. “Well, you are a flight risk. Someone has to keep an eye on you.”

Bellamy half-smiled, but it disappeared quickly.

“Do you need anything? Water? Alcohol? Me to leave you alone?”

“I think sleep will do for now.”

They both settled onto the couch in silence once again. The only noise in the room was the rustle of the blankets while they adjusted themselves. They had both been awake for over a day and Clarke thought it would be easier to fall asleep. Her mind wouldn’t stop racing, though. She needed to find a solution, anything to help the people she loved while they were in pain. The cliché that it just takes time was true, but it frustrated her that she had nothing better to offer them.

“Clarke?”

She jumped, but held in her squeak of surprise. “Yeah, Bellamy?”

“You’re still awake?”

“Yeah, Bellamy.” She chuckled quietly.

“I don’t know how to go to sleep right now.”

“Oh.” An idea clicked into place all of a sudden. If she wasn’t running on fumes, she might have stopped to think about how weird her suggestion was before it popped out. “All right, well, the couch was a bad idea. Let’s go in my room.”

He sat up. “I already told you I’m not taking your bed.”

Clarke scoffed and threw her pillow at him before pulling his blanket off. “ _You’re_ not taking my bed. _We’re_ taking my bed.”

She left him spluttering in her wake as she dragged the blankets back to her room. When he finally padded in through the open door, clutching the pillows to his chest, she had already made the bed again. She pulled the pillows out of his grasp and set them on the bed before poking him in the chest.

“You need to get comfortable. I don’t think you wear a shirt when you sleep.”

“Well, I don’t, but –”

Clarke started to tug his shirt up and he smacked her hands away.

“Fine. Stop. Let me do it.” He glared at her, but pulled his shirt off.

He took a step toward the bed, but she grabbed his hand and pulled him back. “Do you wear your jeans to bed?”

“Clarke.”

“I mean, you’re wearing underwear, right?” She was so grateful that her lamp was on its dimmest setting, because she knew her face was bright red.

“Of course!” He sounded scandalized.

“Well, take your pants off. I’ve seen guys in their underwear before. This isn’t going to scar my delicate sensibilities.”

“Clarke.”

“Take your pants off, Bellamy.” She reached her hand toward the button on his jeans, narrowing her eyes at him. “I’ll pin you down and take them off for you. I’m taking self-defense classes with O. I could totally take you down.”

He scoffed and glared again, but finally unbuttoned his pants. While he stepped out of the legs, he muttered something about stubborn and insane that she couldn’t quite make out. He did a little spin when he was done. “Happy, Princess?”

“I never thought you’d complain about a girl trying to get you mostly naked.” She pushed him toward the bed and moved to the other side to crawl under the covers.

“I never thought you’d be the one asking.” He laid on his side facing her. She pulled the blanket up over his shoulder and he rolled his eyes. “Any other requirements or can we finally go to sleep?”

Clarke sighed, the reality of her suggestion finally sinking in. It had been a long time since she’d slept in a bed with someone. The theory that was bouncing around in her head might be wrong, but she remembered sneaking into her mom’s room after her dad died so many nights. Sleeping alone had been impossible for her. This was about comfort and the fact that Bellamy was laying in her bed in his underwear would _not_ impact their friendship.

The look of mild panic on his face as she scooted closer to him _was_ a little funny. She adjusted herself so that she could put her chin on top of Bellamy’s head and pulled him closer. His heart pounded against her stomach and she wondered if he could feel her own doing the same against his ear. She used her free arm to trace random shapes into his back until his breathing finally evened out.

* * *

The front door closed and startled Clarke awake. The first thing she registered other than Octavia’s hushed cursing was how warm it was in her bed. Everything else came slamming in after that. Somehow, while they were sleeping, Bellamy and Clarke had readjusted so _her_ head was underneath _his_ chin. Both of his arms were still wrapped around her and her left leg was tangled with both of his.

“Clarke? Is Bellamy still here?” Octavia whispered from the doorway.

Clarke gently pulled herself back, but only a little. “He’s in here.” She could see Octavia hesitate in the door and Clarke realized how weird this might look. “Come here.”

Bellamy still didn’t wake up when she extracted her leg from his and rolled over. She had to scoot back into him to make room for Octavia, though, and his grip tightened around her waist. When O took her shoes off and climbed into the bed, Clarke grabbed her hands.

“What time is it?”

“It’s almost one. Lincoln wanted to call out of work, but I wanted to come home anyway.” She studied her brother behind Clarke for a moment. “Thanks for finding him.”

Clarke smiled sadly. “It was easy. I should have just come home from the start.”

“He’s usually a really light sleeper. He must be exhausted.” Octavia smiled softly and then yawned. “Can I stay here? I’m not ready to be alone.”

* * *

The next time Clarke woke up, Octavia was gone. She could hear the shower down the hall, but it wasn’t what woke her up. Bellamy wouldn’t stop moving.

“You know, you wake up really loudly,” she muttered into her pillow.

The movements froze and she smiled. “Sorry. You’re in the middle of the bed, you know?”

Clarke turned around to face him as he settled back onto the pillow. “Yeah, your sister came in here for a while.”

“That explains why my phone is over here.” He smiled, but it fell almost faster than it appeared.

His hair was sticking out in multiple directions and he had a pillow crease on his face, but it was Bellamy, so of course he still looked good. Even with sadness creeping back onto his face as he became more alert… Clarke thought he probably looked good doing anything and quickly pushed the thought back down.

“What time is it?”

“A little after three.”

“Do you want breakfast? I’ve got some food.”

He shrugged and buried his face back into the pillow.

“I’ll go start making some stuff and you can come out when you’re ready?”

She turned to get up, but his arm snaked around her waist and pulled her back flush against his chest. It had been different when they were sleeping, because she could write it off as an unconscious choice, but awake, she was uncomfortably aware of his body heat melding with hers, of the way his skin pressed into her shoulders.

“Bellamy, what—”

“Can we just lay here for another minute, Clarke?”

“You can stay here as long as—”

“No, I need you to stay. Just for a minute. Please.”

The desperation in his voice hurt her heart. She tried to turn around to hug him, but his grip was too tight and he had buried his face into the back of her neck, so she settled for clinging onto his arm. “I can stay here as long as you need me.”

“It’s just a minute, I promise.” Every deep breath he took pressed his ribs against her spine and his body shook every time he exhaled. She waited and stroked his arm, because that was the only thing she could do. When they heard the shower shut off, he spoke, and his breath tickled the hair on the back of her neck. “If we have to get up, that means it’s real. I’m just… I’m really scared.”

“I’m here, though. And if you need anything….” She let her voice trail off as he squeezed her one more time and then pushed away.

“I know. But you don’t need to take care of us. We’ll make it work.”

“Hey.” Clarke frowned and pushed herself up as he pulled his pants on. He leaned down to pick up his shirt and she grabbed onto it. “Stop it. Don’t pull away now. I can help you.”

“But we don’t need your help.” The tears in his eyes took all the heat out of his glare and their tug of war game ended with Clarke yanking his shirt out of his hands. “What are you trying to do, Clarke?”

She threw his shirt on the other side of her room and wrapped her arms around his waist before he could go after it. “I want you to tell me that I can be there for you.”

“You’ve already done more than enough.” His arms stayed stiff at his sides.

“If you really want me to stand off on the sidelines and leave you alone, then I will. I don’t know where you think you need to run off to right now, but you smell bad and you should at least shower before you go. There are extra towels in my closet.”

Before he could say anything else, she stormed out of the room and into the kitchen. Tears burned in her eyes. She gripped the edge of the counter and inhaled sharply through her nose, exhaled through her mouth, and repeated. When she wanted comfort, she wanted physical contact, and she felt horrible that she had pushed that on him. She knew he wasn’t the same way, but he had been waiting outside her apartment, so she thought it was what he wanted. She didn’t want to tell him what Aurora had said… that she would be their family now if they wanted. It hurt to think that he didn’t want that.

Muffled conversation from the other end of the hall broke her out of her thoughts. To avoid listening, she busied herself with starting coffee and breakfast. The bathroom door closed again and Octavia padded into the kitchen in pajamas, running a towel through her hair as Clarke set the finished bacon onto a toweled plate.

“Hey. Did I already thank you for finding him?”

Clarke focused on beating the eggs she had broken into a bowl. “Yeah, you did.”

“He feels like an ass right now.”

“He shouldn’t. It’s okay. I’m overstepping.” O set a hand on her wrist and Clarke stopped mixing the eggs. They were probably overmixed at this point anyway. She gently pulled away from Octavia and poured them into the pan.

“He doesn’t want you to be reminded of your dad.”

“Well, that’s stupid, of course this reminds me of my dad. It’s why I’m being such an ass and keep trying to insert myself into your grief.” She added salt and pepper to the eggs and mixed them gently as they cooked. “But it’s different. I still had my mom and I—” Clarke dropped the spatula and spun around, covering her mouth. Octavia’s eyes glistened with unshed tears. “O, I’m so sorry.”

“Not everything is your fault, you know,” she said, her voice heavy. She cleared her throat and hopped up to sit on the counter. “I can’t believe you didn’t pull out your fancy french toast for this situation.”

Clarke took the hint and turned back to the food. “I wasn’t sure how much either of you would feel up to eating, so I thought I’d go with something easier.”

“Probably a good call. Can I help?”

Octavia made some toast and grabbed plates and silverware while Clarke finished up the eggs. When Bellamy emerged, he took his plate with no protest and they all ate in relative silence. He did try to do the dishes, but let Clarke quash that idea with a glare. She wanted to let them talk and get what they needed to sorted without her, so she washed the dishes as slowly as possible. And by hand. Which sucked, because she _hated_ doing dishes.

When the last dish was in the dish drainer, she grabbed a towel to dry her hands and turned around to find Bellamy sitting on the counter again. “I thought you were leaving soon.”

“Yeah, I’m taking off in a minute. I wanted to say bye, first.” He patted the spot on the counter next to him and Clarke hesitated. “Will you get your ass over here, Princess?” She threw the towel at him, but hopped up next to him anyway. He set his arm around her shoulders and pulled her into his side. “I am sorry about earlier. I know you’d tap out if it was too much for you to handle.”

“Can we not talk about that? It’s nothing. No big deal.”

“I know.” He set his chin on her head and she elbowed him in the side. It was _really_ annoying when he did that. “I’ll just say thanks, then.”

Clarke leaned into him and nodded. “Anything you need. You know where I am.”

“Could I… uh… could I stay here again tonight?”

“Of course.”

He dropped a kiss to the top of her head before he hopped down and shoved his hands in his pockets while he studied the tile floor. “I’ll see you later, then?”

“Yeah. Later.”

She stayed rooted to her spot on the counter for a long time after he left, a little unsure of what she had just gotten herself into.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We'll go more into what Clarke has "gotten herself into" in the ending of the next chapter. Thanks for reading this! I'm sorry we're not getting to any of the "good stuff" yet, but I figured that these two wouldn't let the first time they get together be while one of them is grieving. Season 5 could find a way to prove me wrong, but I just have a feeling.
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this chapter as much as it's possible to enjoy this depressing content. We'll get out of depressing content over the next few chapters. <3 <3 <3


	47. Chapter 47

Packing would have been easier if Bellamy and Octavia could get along for five minutes. Aurora had been very clear in her will that she intended for them to have an estate sale and sell the house. They could use the money to pay off any remaining hospital bills and then split the rest between the two of them. Neither of them needed any of the furniture, to Bellamy’s chagrin, and Clarke cringed every time he tried to keep something else. The couch probably caused the worst argument (“Both our couches are newer than this one.”), followed closely by the refrigerator (“We’re both _renting_ , Bell!”).

The plan was to use the first couple weeks of winter break to sort through everything in the house and have the estate sale right before Christmas. Clarke agreed with Octavia on her point that people might want to come to look for presents. They set up boxes for things to sell and for things to keep, which made Bellamy happy, but they had to work to keep him practical. In the end, there weren’t too many surprises for them to find, although the eight sewing machines (two of which were antiques) seemed a little excessive. Bellamy got mad when O didn’t want to keep one and she got mad in return when he tried to keep two (“You’re going to want one of them one of these days, I swear!”)

It was obvious from the start that Bellamy wasn’t entirely on board with the plan. One night before bed (he only stayed over a few nights a week, even though sometimes he called her at two in the morning and asked if he could come over, it was something she would do for _anyone_ ), she found him making a spreadsheet with different storage unit options. He snapped at her when she told him he was being unrealistic. She thought about showing him the box of her dad’s stuff that she kept hidden in the back of her closet, but she was too mad at him to share it in the moment. They went to sleep on opposite sides of the bed that night, but when she woke up, she had practically burrowed into Bellamy’s back.

The estate sale ended up going pretty smoothly, mostly because Bellamy stayed away for most of the day. There were a few things they’d need to dispose of (Bellamy’s old mattress and a couple boxes of older clothes), but it had brought in a nice bit of extra money. All of their friends had opted to stay in town for winter break to help pack up the rest of the house and clean before the realtor put it on the market.

The hardest thing was finding a way to get Bellamy and Octavia out of the house for a couple of hours. It was astonishingly hard to convince someone to leave their childhood home when they would be selling it soon, but Wells swooped in and saved the day. Clarke and Miller pretended that they would meet everyone at lunch, but stayed behind to put Clarke’s plan into action. Everyone wanted to help, but any more of them staying behind would have been too suspicious.

* * *

Bellamy couldn’t help his mood. He tried to get himself out of it, but was just _angry_. It had been his almost constant mood for going on a month. He was angry at his mom for dying, for leaving hospital bills behind, at Octavia for convincing him that selling the house was actually the correct route, and at Clarke and Miller for not showing up at the lunch they had suggested. It was hard not to take it out on his friends, he knew he wasn’t actually mad at _them_ , so he spent most of his lunch picking at his food and ignoring everyone.

It got harder not to take it out on them with Wells constantly on his phone, making excuses about why they couldn’t go home yet. He even dragged them to the grocery store, because of Clarke’s insistence that everyone do Christmas dinner at her apartment. Apparently, this had been her plan all along, but she forgot to go shopping. Bellamy wouldn’t have bought it, but the shopping list Wells recited was obnoxiously Christmas-like. It was all so stupid that he refused to go into the store. He did at least try to carry groceries into the house, but Harper had a really mean glare and pushed him away.

“Go inside.”

“But I can help.”

“No, you can’t. Go get Clarke for me. She can help.”

He didn’t get why Clarke could help, but he couldn’t, so he glared back at her before walking up the porch and through the door where everything was literally sparkling.

“What is this?” Bellamy stopped dead in his tracks and stared, his anger melting into confusion.

“Clarke!” Octavia sprinted past Bellamy. “Where are – oh!” There was a loud squealing from the kitchen. “How did you do all this?!”

Their conversation from the kitchen faded into the background as Bellamy took in the room in front of him. He had a clear view of the living room and there was a bare Christmas tree with presents underneath. Garlands and lights decorated the stairwell and doorframes. The scent of cinnamon and cookies baking filled the air. It was only moderately less decorated than it would have been if his mother were there.

“Should I not have done this?”

Bellamy jumped. He hadn’t noticed Clarke come out of the kitchen. She studied him from a few feet away, picking at her nails. There were things he wanted to say, questions he wanted to ask, but nothing would come out.

“I wanted….” She trailed off and looked down at the floor. “It’s been a hard month and I just wanted you to have at least one more happy memory in this house before… you know.”

It took a moment for his voice to work properly. “How did you do all this?”

Clarke looked up again and shrugged. “Miller helped.”

“And you two did all this,” he gestured at nothing in general, “in two and a half hours.”

“Well, I saved the Christmas tree for everyone. That helped cut down on the timing.”

Bellamy murmured assent and looked around again. It was something he hadn’t considered doing, because it hurt too much, but he really couldn’t think of a better way to spend one of their last nights in the house.

“Are you mad?”

He realized he was frowning and immediately felt guilty. It only took a few steps to close the distance between them. He pulled her in for a tight hug and had to stop himself from kissing the top of her head when she wrapped her arms around his waist. It was a habit he needed to get out of. Instead, he settled for resting his cheek on top of her head and felt her laugh into his ribs.

“I was really worried you wouldn’t like it.”

“Well, you’re dumb.”

She pinched his side. “You’re high maintenance and you know it.”

Bellamy laughed and pulled away, but kept an arm around Clarke as he turned toward the Christmas tree again. “I hope all those presents aren’t from you.”

“I remembered the rules. Under twenty dollars and only for secret Santa.” She paused, chewing on her lip. “Well, and for you and O, of course, but those are upstairs.”

He laughed again. “I knew you wouldn’t be able to resist, which is why I bought you something, too.”

Clarke punched her free arm into the air. “Yes! I knew it.”

A shriek from the kitchen interrupted Bellamy’s retort and he pulled Clarke behind him. He was about to run in there, but stopped when Clarke almost fell over laughing. When she could finally meet his eyes, she was wiping tears away.

“I almost forgot that I actually arranged another surprise for you guys. Miller had nothing to do with this one, so I get all the credit this time.”

Bellamy eyed her carefully before walking into the kitchen. Octavia and _Raven_ were too busy hugging and jumping in a circle to notice him. Clarke squeezed into the doorway next to him with a huge grin on her face and he elbowed her gently. “You’re really something else.”

“I know.” He elbowed her again and she just laughed. “Go say hi.”

The other two were done with their greeting and Raven was staring at him with a sad smile. He hugged her and grunted when she squeezed him hard instead of letting him go.

“I’m so sorry I couldn’t come for the funeral,” she whispered into his shoulder.

“Don’t worry about it.” He squeezed her and pushed out of the hug, a hand on each of her shoulders. “I’m glad you’re here now.”

Raven grinned then and gave him another quick hug before Clarke started assigning everyone to their stations.

* * *

Thanks to cooking utensils Miller and Clarke brought, everyone cooked dinner together. The kitchen was too cramped, everyone ended up arguing at least once, Bellamy had to take the tongs away from Jasper twice, but it turned out pretty well. Everyone sat in a circle in the living room, eating off of paper plates, but they were all together.

It hit Clarke in that moment that it was the first time in about three months that they _had_ all been together as a group. Miller was still stuck working nights and Harper was almost always with her study group for law school or helping Wells with his LSATs. Lincoln’s friend just got back from studying abroad, so he’d been spending more time hanging out with that group, which took Octavia away a lot as well. There hadn’t been time for a movie night that quarter and it was frustrating.

But that moment made her feel like things would be okay. The fact that everyone made it for Christmas Eve meant that they would always be there for each other when it mattered most.

Octavia led most of the group in constructing a giant blanket fort so everyone could sleep on the floor. Jasper ran off to the kitchen and came back with assorted pots, pans, and boxes (“We’re going to catch Santa!”). Monty and Raven laughed, but started helping him build the trap he had concocted in his mind.

Gradually, everyone changed into their pajamas and started to settle down. It was almost one in the morning when everyone had picked a spot on the floor. Bellamy was suspiciously absent. Clarke found him in the kitchen, decorating gingerbread people with the bright neon frosting Octavia and Harper had insisted on making (and then hadn’t used).

She walked up and rested her chin in her hands. “That’s an awful lot of gingerbread people.”

“That’s because there’s one for each of us.” He smirked.

Clarke leaned forward and realized that he was, in fact, decorating one to look like each of them. They were indistinguishable except for the clothes. “You can’t really tell Lincoln and Miller apart. Maybe give Lincoln his old mohawk. O’s been trying to convince him to grow it back. Maybe your additional support will be encouraging.”

Bellamy stuck his tongue out her, but obliged.

“You can’t tell me and Harper apart, either.”

“I can definitely tell ginger-Clarke and ginger-Harper apart.”

“How?”

He pointed at one of them and that’s when she noticed tiny different colored flecks on “her” hands. There was even one on “her” face.

“I’m not that messy when I paint. You’re rude, you know that?”

He grinned and finished off what she assumed was Raven. The red jacket was the only real clue there. “Are they all ready for bed in there?”

“They’re settling down a little. I think it’ll take some time for Jasper to tire out. Monty swears they don’t actually believe in Santa anymore, but I’m not sure I buy it.”

“Yeah, and Raven was a little _too_ ready to help build that trap.” He carefully set his decorated cookies on top of the large Tupperware holding more undecorated ones. “So, did you just come in here to check up on me?”

“Well, your bed is still here. I’m not putting it past you to wait for the rest of us to fall asleep and sneak up there where it’s actually comfortable.”

“You really know me too well.” He smiled again and glanced at the clock. “Since it’s technically Christmas, do you want to do presents?”

“Yes!” Clarke jumped up and tried to drag Bellamy out of the kitchen. “Where’s my present?”

Since they had both hidden each other’s gifts upstairs, they quietly snuck through the hall and up the stairs to retrieve them. Clarke was so proud of the gift she found for him. It was something he’d never expect, but she knew from the moment she found out that it existed that he would love it. Still, her heart pounded a little harder than necessary when she walked into his room clutching it to her chest.

Bellamy was sitting next to a _huge_ wrapped box on his bed, fidgeting with one of the corners. His hand froze when he noticed her and he looked up with a tight smile. Clarke sat down facing him on the opposite end of the bed with his present in her lap. He turned toward her and folded his legs underneath himself.

“Why does giving presents have to be so stressful?”

“Because of the fear that you don’t know someone as well as you think you do.” He pulled his eyes away from hers and pushed the giant box toward her. “Open yours first.”

The wrapping was immaculate, which meant he did it himself. Octavia was horrible at wrapping presents, even though she loved it. It was sad, really. There was always tape everywhere and weird folds where there shouldn’t be. Clarke felt a little guilty tearing the paper, so she slid her nails under the tape where she could and slowly pulled the paper away.

A breath caught in her throat. “Oh my god.” She glanced up and Bellamy looked a little more confident, a small smile growing on his face. It was a full-size table easel set. She traced the box with her fingers and she read the list of contents on the front. “This is so amazing, Bellamy!”

“You keep complaining about not having enough space in your apartment to paint, so I thought this might help.” He laughed weakly. “I tried to get you one without all the beginner’s books included, but this one looked like it was the best anyway. It’s basically an easel on a box, so you can store some of your brushes and things in there. And it came with a new mixing tray and a new palette, which I thought you said you needed.”

Clarke couldn’t contain her grin. “You know what a palette is.”

“I listen.” He shrugged, but he looked down. She could still see the blush rising in his cheeks.

“This had to be expensive,” she blurted out before she could stop herself. It was hypocritical, considering what his present had cost her, but with how small it was, she thought she could hide the price.

“I did come into a very mediocre inheritance recently.” He choked on the last couple words.

It was obviously meant to be a joke, but it was too soon. Clarke set his still-wrapped gift to the side and leaned over to hug him. He pulled her closer and mumbled assurances that he was okay into her hair. But she realized she was in his lap and she was not okay. She pulled away and practically shoved his gift into his hands to try to hide the fact that she was blushing.

“After how huge your present was, I feel kind of silly that this is so small.”

“Knowing you, this was at least as much as what I got you.” He smiled again. “Next year, I think we need to set a price limit, yeah?”

She nodded and tapped the present he still hadn’t opened. He laughed again, which filled her to the brim with joy, because he had a beautiful laugh. It was cut short by his sharp inhale when he pulled the paper away.

“Fuck, Clarke, is this what I think it is?”

“I don’t know! What do you think it is?”

“This is the letter about the secession of the Patriots from a member of parliament to his friend who couldn’t be there at the time. This was right before the—“

“War of Jenkins’ Ear. I listen, too. You didn’t stop talking about it for almost three weeks after your senior seminar last year.”

He turned the small book over in his hands gently. “Shit, is this a first edition? You’ve got to be kidding me.”

“Seriously. I wasn’t kidding when I said you didn’t stop talking about it for three weeks. I wanted to find a full compilation of the meeting for you, but I had a hard enough time finding this.”

Clarke stared down at the book, waiting for him to start looking through it, but she realized he wasn’t looking at it anymore. She looked up and everything else around her disappeared. The way he was looking at her made me feel like she might actually be the most important person in the world to someone. It gave her so much _hope_ and it was amazing and overwhelming and almost too much. The silence was too heavy and she needed to break it before it grew into her making a fool out of herself.

“Okay, do you like it? Because you’re not saying anything and you’re scaring me a little.”

Whatever trance he was in broke and he chuckled quietly as he set the book down on top of her present. He wrapped his arms around her again and buried his nose into her shoulder. “It’s amazing, Clarke. Thank you. For everything.”

“You’re really hard to shop for, you know that?”

“I don’t just mean the book.” She kept waiting for him to drop his arms, but he didn’t. They tightened instead, and he settled his chin on her shoulder. “For the book. For decorating the house. For… for all the help this past month. I don’t know where O and I would be without you. I was so scared of Christmas this year, because…. You made it happen and I was going to ignore it and I don’t think I can thank you enough.”

She’d give everything to make his life better. She tried to find the words to say it, but nothing sounded right in her head. Every sentence that she tried to form sounded too much like admitting she had a crush on him. She didn’t even want to admit it to herself, yet, even if she knew it lurked in the shadows of her heart. The only time she ever let herself think of the possibility was when there were walls and doors and miles separating them. Her heart ached as she climbed into his lap again and they sat that way for a long time while he talked about the old traditions he would miss without his mom and the ways he might be able to keep them alive.

By the time they made their way back downstairs, everyone else was asleep. They quietly slid into the spaces that their friends had left them and fell asleep quickly.

Jasper woke everyone up the next morning with unhappy exclamations over his failed Santa trap and she and Bellamy were tangled together once again. That was when Clarke knew they would have to stop sleeping together. At least, they would have to stop soon. It was blurring lines in her head and she couldn’t be what he needed her to be if those lines disappeared.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorrrrrrrrrrrry. They're not quite ready yet. Or Clarke's not quite ready yet. Getting closer, but we've got a couple more bumps in the road coming up! You know that they're both pretty stupid about each other anyway. Feel free to yell at me here in the comments or on [Tumblr](http://ilovethisship.tumblr.com/). Whatever works! :)
> 
> Also, you want a weird Google search? Look up "obscure wars". People fight over some super weird stuff!


	48. Chapter 48

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I know we might all still be suffering through time jump ptsd, so I'm really sorry, but we've got a bit of a time jump below. It's about 2 months, give or take. No spoilers? I'll discuss it more in the end notes... please don't hate me.
> 
> Edit: WHOA I was doing my final read before posting and realized I upped the time jump to make chapters 49 and 50 make a little more sense. Oops. So the time jump is like, 3 months. Yikes. I promise I have a good reason. Maybe. Hopefully the fact that this chapter is SUPER LONG will make up for it.

“Come on. We’re always doing boring stuff like staying at home. Sometimes, people do this thing. It’s called going outside. I don’t know if you’ve heard of it.” 

Bellamy glared at his sister from his spot on the couch. Octavia had been begging him to go bowling for almost twenty minutes. Bowling. Apparently, that was an actual thing that people still did. “We go hiking all the time,” he countered. “That’s outside.” 

“It’s March. The trails haven’t exactly cleared up yet.” She stuck her tongue out at him. “I’m talking about leaving the apartment for something other than classes or work. What are you going to do next year when me and Monty and Jasper and Wells and Clarke are finally twenty-one?” 

“I’ve been to enough bars to last me a lifetime. You guys can handle going out without me.” 

“You wouldn’t even come out on special occasions? What about birthdays and promotions?” 

Bellamy rolled his eyes and went back to playing around on his phone. “Of course I’d come out on special occasions. I’d sit in the corner and mope with a beer while you all did your thing.” 

“You can do that at the bowling alley.” She watched him flatly, but he waited her out. Finally, she scoffed and crossed her arms. “Clarke _said_ you wouldn’t come, but I wanted to believe that you weren’t actually this petty.” 

That got him to sit up straight. “Excuse me?”

“You’ve been avoiding us since you met Lexa. I get that you don’t like her, but you shouldn’t punish Clarke for it.” 

Bellamy threw his phone down on the couch and stood up. “You think I’m _punishing_ Clarke, because she has bad taste in significant others? If anything, I should be punishing Lincoln, because he has shitty taste in friends.” He ignored Octavia’s glare at that and crossed his arms. “I actually have a date with Gina tonight, but thanks for assuming that I’m just being petty.” 

“Lexa’s nice!” Octavia hesitated and Bellamy couldn’t hold in a smirk. “Well, she’s nice to Clarke. And that’s what matters, right?” Bellamy waited again, mostly to see if she would try to come up with another ‘good’ quality. She didn’t. She went for the low blow, instead. “Besides, Clarke really misses you.” 

“Oh, does she? Tell that to my phone that isn’t ringing off the hook.” 

Octavia scoffed. “Of course she does. I heard her talking to Wells about it a couple weeks ago. Oh!” She jumped up in the air. “Wells doesn’t like her either and he’s still coming. You two can be grumpy about Clarke’s taste in people together.” 

“One. Do you think Wells and I haven’t already talked about this? Two. Please look around right now. Listen. My apartment is finally empty. Gina and I are hanging out here tonight.” 

“Ew. Can’t you guys just do it later?” She shuddered dramatically. “Besides, the rest of us want to meet her and this is perfect timing.” 

“We’ve only been seeing each other for a month and a half. Why would I inflict all of you on her before I can get her fully invested in me?” 

“Because we’re charming and bring out all of your good qualities.” Octavia grinned at him with her hands on her hips. It was clear that she wasn’t going to back down. 

Bellamy groaned. “Ugh. Fine. I guess she has been complaining that she hasn’t met enough of you yet. Apparently, Miller and Harper aren’t enough for her.” 

Octavia threw a victorious fist up in the air and started dancing around. Bellamy thought that _Clarke_ had been the one avoiding him. They hadn’t talked much since he told her that Lexa was trying to take Clarke away from everyone. She left that night without saying a word, but the next day, she showed up and spent a good twenty minutes yelling at him because she wasn’t someone’s _property_ , which was exactly the point he had been trying to make.  

It was possible that he had been the one doing the avoiding after that argument. The reminders of Clarke all over his apartment were enough to get him out more, at least. It was stupid, but it was the reason he met Gina, so he was a little grateful. He wasn’t quite ready for the two of them to meet yet, but he also didn’t want to go without Gina. If things got too bad, they could leave early and go through with their earlier plans. And meeting his friends would make her happy. 

* * *

Bellamy walked through the door while Clarke was grabbing shoes for Lexa and herself at the counter. It caught her off guard, but in a great way. They hadn’t talked much since she brought Lexa to movie night. Their fight the next day had been one of the worst fights they ever had, including all of their arguments before they were actually friends. She knew he didn’t like Lexa, but it was still exciting that he finally decided to come out with everyone. Maybe they wouldn’t end up best friends, but she couldn’t believe that two of her favorite people couldn’t at least tolerate each other. 

Octavia ran around him, shooting Clarke a smug look before heading off toward the rest of the group. Clarke glared after her and took a few steps toward Bellamy before stopping dead in her tracks. Some brunette with unfairly curly hair was _kissing_ Bellamy in front of everyone. And then he smiled at her. And she was cute. And they were holding hands when they continued to walk in her direction. She was suddenly in a rush to grab shoes and get away from the counter, but even as she turned around, she knew it was too late. 

Shoes in hand, she turned around again just as they reached her. Bellamy shuffled his feet and dropped the girl’s hand almost too quickly. “Hey. Long time no see, stranger.” It would have been nice to say something a little more normal, but apparently, Clarke couldn’t _be_ normal. 

Bellamy was too busy being weird himself to notice, though. “Yeah. I’ve just been….” He ran a hand through his hair. “Things have been busy.” 

“Yeah. Same. Classes are crazy and Lexa….” _Not a good place to start._ Clarke trailed off. 

“O mentioned you guys had been….” Bellamy’s voice raised with obviously false brightness. “I’m still TAing, so that’s been… busy.” 

The girl he was with shot them both a weird look before she extended her hand. “Hi. I’m Gina.” 

“Oh, god, I’m so sorry.” Clarke shoved both pairs of shoes under one arm and shook her hand. “I’m Clarke.” 

Gina brightened up at that. “Clarke! Oh my god, I’ve heard so much about you. Harper and Miller _love_ you!” 

Clarke felt her face heating up. “Oh, well, that’s good to—” 

Bellamy grabbed Gina’s hand again. “We need to get our shoes. What lanes are we at?” 

Clarke tried not to wince at the interruption. The awkwardness that had been pressing every other emotion down didn’t quite fade, but it was pushed aside by something else. She pretended that it didn’t hurt that he would barely look at her. “Seven and eight.” 

Gina glared at Bellamy, but squeezed his hand before dropping it. “I’m a size six and a half. I’ll see you over there?” Before Clarke could register her own amusement, Gina looped an arm through her elbow and pulled her toward the lanes. “Bellamy said you’re his best friend. I have so many questions.” 

“Oh, really?” Clarke heard Bellamy groan behind them, but led Gina over to the rest of the group. She fought with her urge to spill all of the embarrassing secrets she could think of with her desire for Bellamy to actually like her again. 

When Bellamy got to their lanes, Gina was deep in conversation with Wells about the pros and cons of bartending her way through college. Lexa immediately left to get drinks, pressing a kiss to Clarke’s temple first, leaving the only open seat next to Clarke. She wondered what kind of excuse he would make to avoid sitting next to her, but he didn’t make any. After he glared after Lexa for a few seconds, he dropped a kiss to the top of Gina’s head and handed her a pair of shoes.  

Even though the tension radiated off him in waves, he still crossed the small distance between them to sit down. Choosing the seat next to her over the floor apparently did not mean he was going to talk to her, though. She made it through watching him change one shoe before she broke. 

“So, I’m your best friend, huh?” 

He rolled his eyes and moved onto the second shoe. “Most of the time, yeah.” When he finished tying it, he slid his shoes underneath her seat and looked at her, frowning. “I mean, all of the time. You know you are.” 

“I won’t tell Miller.” 

He smiled. “That’s why you’re my best friend.” 

Clarke smiled back. “Well, Gina seems nice.” 

“She is really nice. She’s great.” He looked down at his lap where his hands were tightly clasped together. Clarke wanted to reach over, but held herself back. It wasn’t what they did anymore. It seemed almost inappropriate, given their circumstances. “I’m really glad I met her.” 

“Me too.” 

Bellamy seemed to be making his mind up about something, so Clarke didn’t say anything else. After a moment, he leaned back to sling an arm over the back of her chair and met her eyes. “I may never be okay with… well, you know. But I just want you to be happy.” 

“I am.”  

“I want you to be treated the way you deserve.” 

It was Clarke’s turn to look down at her feet. “I know.” 

Her relationship with Lexa _was_ hard sometimes. They fought, but couples fought. It was a part of the natural order of things. It would have been nice if Lexa made more of an effort to hang out with Clarke’s friends, too, but that was part of what had inspired the whole bowling outing. Octavia wanted to make her feel welcome. It was a big deal that she had agreed to come at all. 

Bellamy’s hand on her knee broke her out of her thoughts. “Can we go back to talking every day? Because I don’t always know how to handle being in an actual relationship. I can’t keep asking Octavia for advice. She says it grosses her out. And I think Miller gives me bad advice on purpose.” 

Clarke laughed, because the bit about Miller was definitely true. “I’d like that a lot.” 

She hugged him, but it was short. It felt awkward. It was hard to know where the line was since they were both in relationships. Things would be much easier if Gina liked her more than Lexa liked Bellamy. 

A throat cleared behind them and they both spun around. Lexa stood there, holding two drinks. “Bellamy.” 

He sat up straighter and bowed in his seat. “Lexa.” 

Clarke snorted and tried to turn it into a cough. Lexa just rolled her eyes. “You’re in my seat.” 

“Oh, well, excuse me.” He kept up his mock-serious façade and Clarke tried not to laugh. “I should go check on Gina, anyway. Wells is a _notorious_ gossip.” 

Lexa sat down after he moved and handed Clarke a drink. The other set of chairs burst into hysterics when Bellamy dropped into Wells’ lap and threw his legs over Gina’s. 

“I really don’t know what you see in him, Clarke.” 

Clarke wanted to tell her, but she couldn’t. It was already painfully obvious that they’d be talking about it later. There was no point starting an argument prematurely and this was one thing Clarke couldn’t give up for Lexa, no matter how often she asked. 

* * *

**Lane 7**  

| 

**Lane 8**    
  
---|---  
Lexa  |  Miller  
Princess |  The Senator  
Bell |  Harper  
Gina |  Monty  
O |  Goggles  
Lincoln |   
  
“I need to come up with better nicknames for everyone.” Octavia started to test new nicknames for their friends out under her breath while Clarke was taking her turn. Bellamy nodded and it was enough to keep her talking, but he had nothing to contribute. He had contributed Princess, Goggles, and The Senator. He had done his duty and was too focused on the atrocity in front of him to be of much help, anyway. 

Clarke was _horrible_ at bowling and the more people watched her, the worse she did. Lexa tried to help Clarke fix her form a couple times before giving up. Bellamy _could_ have told her a better way to approach Clarke with assistance (sneak up on her with it, but not too sneaky or she’ll get even more annoyed), but he knew Lexa wouldn’t appreciate being told 'how to handle' her girlfriend. Their first conversation still caused him to bristle every time he looked at her. 

Of course, like everything else she did, Lexa was perfect. Once she gave up on ‘helping’ Clarke, the two stopped snapping at each other. It meant that instead of forcing him to watch them argue (which he didn’t mind), he was forced to watch celebratory kisses and giggles every time Lexa got a spare or a strike. 

It was fine. Really. Lexa seemed to be on better behavior than she had for their other disastrous meeting. She still wouldn't make conversation with him, though. Gina, however, had the ability to talk to anyone. It was one of the greatest things about her. She was funny enough that she was able to joke her way into a conversation and smart enough that she could keep up with anything anyone threw her way. Even Lexa wasn't immune to her charm. 

Neither was Clarke. Those two really seemed to get along. That was fine, too. If his best friend and his girlfriend got along, it would make his life a lot easier. At least, it would be easier than Clarke's. 

Part of the way through the second game, Wells and Jasper started to tease Clarke during her turns. She took it well and flipped them off before yet another awful throw. Bellamy couldn't take it anymore. Under the guise of getting ready for his turn, he walked up to the ball return when Clarke was waiting for her ball.  

"I'm only going before you so that you look good." She pouted at him, brimming with self-deprecation, and he couldn’t help but smile.

"I always look good, Princess." 

Clarke rolled her eyes. "You're alright." 

"I bet you can get a spare this time."  

"I hit _one_ pin, Bellamy. It's more likely that I'll get it in the gutter again." 

He glanced back at Gina who mouthed _help her_ and motioned toward Clarke with a grin. Lexa frowned until Gina leaned over and engaged her in conversation again. It was impressive. No one could hate Gina. 

"Come on. I'll show you." 

"I'm perfectly content with being horrible at bowling. I can't be great at _everything_. It's only fair." 

Bellamy laughed, grabbed her ball from the ball return and handed it to her before spinning her around. "Just one try and if you're still horrible, I promise to write you off as a lost cause." 

Clarke stepped on his foot (on purpose), but allowed him to push her toward the lane. "One try. That's all you get before you have to admit I'm hopeless." 

He shook his head even though she couldn't see and stopped her a few steps back from the lane. "Okay, so you want to stand a couple steps back, maybe here. And hold the ball like this." He put her left elbow at her waist and moved her right hand to support the ball. 

"I'm going to buy you and Lexa both those stupid bowling gloves before we leave today." 

"You know I could totally pull off that look." She bit of a laugh and was only mostly successful. "Anyway, I like to take two steps and then slide into the third while I throw the ball." 

"Yeah, I know. You look like a dork." 

He pinched her right arm and she laughed. "You use the two steps to swing the ball back. Do you want to try?" 

She turned around and scrunched her nose at him. "Would that make you happy?" 

"I'd be thrilled." 

He tried to keep a straight face when she glared at him, but she practiced the approach a couple times without many complaints. The approach wasn't her main problem, anyway. Once he was satisfied, they went back to the starting position.  He set one hand on her left wrist and the other hesitantly rested on her right arm. 

"So, you're timing your swing fine, but it's where you're releasing the ball that's tripping you up." Everything felt a little weird, because she was left-handed, but the mechanics would basically be the same. "Take a step forward, like you're approaching." He gently pulled her arm back into a swing and pushed it forward, halting it in alignment with her leg. "This is about where you want to start to release the ball. 

The ball dropped to the ground with a loud thud and the group behind them erupted with laughter. Clarke grinned from ear to ear when he hopped forward to grab it and pushed it back into her hands. 

"Very funny." 

"I know." 

He sighed and resumed their previous position. "When you let go of the ball, your arm should keep swinging. It should probably face this way." He twisted her arm so her underarm was facing the ceiling. "You don't want to get too fancy with spins at this point, so you just let your arm swing naturally into this position. And keep your arm swinging after you let the ball go. You should be pointing at the pin you're aiming at. Easy, right?" 

"I can't really practice this one, huh?" In spite of all her joking, she sounded nervous. 

"You'll be fine. You're basically doing it already, but you're pointing at the pins in the _other_ lane, so the ball goes that way." 

She narrowed her eyes at him, not quite a glare, and he could practically see her working through the angles in her head. Finally, she nodded. "I'm giving this one shot and if it doesn't work, it doesn't work." 

Bellamy took a couple steps back to watch. She stood a few steps away from the line and shook herself out before she took her throw. It felt like the ball was going in slow motion down the lane and Clarke watched it, hopping up and down with her hands pressed to her mouth. With a loud crack, she took down another _six pins_ and then she was jumping and yelling and leapt into his arms. 

"I did it! It worked!" 

Clarke was greeted with high-fives from almost everyone, but Lexa looked less than pleased. Bellamy forced himself to focus on his turn instead of on the sudden hostility radiating from the seats behind him. He hovered near the ball return through Gina's turn as well. When she was done, he excused them both to grab a couple drinks. Lexa nodded and Clarke smiled weakly. 

At the bar, Gina used his shoulder to push herself up and give him a kiss on the cheek. 

"What was that for?" 

"You're just really sweet. It was really nice of you to help Clarke." She put in their order and then turned to lean against the bar, facing him. "It's sad that Lexa isn't more secure in their relationship." 

Bellamy frowned. "Did she say something to you?" 

Gina shrugged. "She didn't really have to. It's clear that Clarke cares about both of you and it makes Lexa uncomfortable. The thing is, instead of being jealous of how close you and Clarke are, I'd rather get to know her and find out how cool she obviously is. But Lexa's been ignoring you all night. I feel really bad for Clarke, being put in that position." 

As they walked back, Bellamy wasn't sure how to respond. He hadn't told Gina much about why he and Clarke hadn't been hanging out as much since they both got girlfriends. He'd only mentioned a few times that he didn't like Lexa. While he was fairly certain Gina had been trying to encourage him, he felt horribly guilty instead. When he thought about it, he knew he was being just as difficult as Lexa. The least he could do was be supportive until Clarke figured out that she deserved better. 

* * *

Lexa was the queen of the silent treatment. It was frustrating, because Clarke was tipsy, she had managed to hit way more pins than she ever had before, and she was friends with Bellamy again. All of that positivity made her want to get her girlfriend into bed, but it was clear on the drive home that it wasn't how the night would end. 

Clarke fell back onto Lexa's couch while Lexa put their jackets away and went into the kitchen. She came back out with a glass of water and handed it to Clarke, then set a couple aspirin on the coffee table. 

"Do you need to eat?" 

So, that was what she would bring up first. It was _shocking_ that she and Bellamy hadn't bonded over Clarke's apparent inability to take care of herself. She took the aspirin anyway and shook her head. "I'm good." 

"You're sure? You had a few—" 

"I've got a general idea of my own alcohol tolerance, thanks." Lexa pulled back a little and Clarke sighed. "I'm sorry. You've been pissed off most of the night and I'm so sick of being treated this way every time I have a drink." 

Lexa frowned. "I don't think you've ever had _that_ much to drink around... me." 

She trailed off. Clarke was so tired of regretting everything she said. She was tired of being wary of mentioning Bellamy. It wasn't worth the effort. "Yeah, unless Bellamy's distracted by the possibility of getting laid, he's always 'mom'ing me when I'm drunk." 

It was the first time Clarke had said his name on purpose in a couple of weeks. The first time Lexa met Bellamy, he'd been in a shitty mood and was kind of an asshole. He said some things that hurt her at the time, but it had led to what she thought was a really good talk with Lexa. Her friends were important to her and if Lexa was going to be in her life, she needed her to make an effort to get to know them. And she had. At least, she had agreed to go bowling with them. 

"I need you to just tell me what's wrong, Lexa." 

"I'm tired, Clarke. I'd rather just go to bed." 

"That's what I wanted, too." Clarke grabbed Lexa's hand. "I thought we'd come back here and be a little tipsy and have moderately drunk sex. But you've been giving me the silent treatment since we left and I'm done with it." 

Lexa grabbed her face and kissed her tenderly. Clarke tried to deepen it, to be willing to put off this argument for a few more minutes, but Lexa pulled away. "I don't want to fight with you anymore." 

"Well, if this is about Bellamy again, I don't want to fight with you either." 

Lexa leaned back against the couch and threw an arm over her eyes. "You know he hates me, right? He doesn't make an effort to be more than civil." 

"I don't know what you want me to say, Lexa. He's worried that you'll hurt me. You don't want to hurt me, so can't you guys find some common ground there?" 

"I really doubt it." 

"Well, what do you want me to do?" Clarke stood up without thinking. 

Lexa finally looked at her and a chill swept over Clarke as Lexa leaned forward. "Maybe be a little more subtle in front of _his_ girlfriend, at least? You guys were all over each other tonight, Clarke. Your lack of boundaries with each other makes everyone uncomfortable." 

"That's not.... Lexa," Clarke was horrified by the pleading tone in her voice, but she was desperate to make her understand. "I can't just let him go. We've been through so much. I live with his sister. They're my best friends. They're my _family_." 

"Clarke." Lexa's face softened and she stood, setting her hands on either side of Clarke's face. "I know how much you depend on them. I just want you to depend on me more. Is that so horrible?" 

"I want that, too, but we've only been seeing each other for a couple months." She brought her hands up to stroke Lexa's forearms. "You can't ask me to be ready for that right away." 

"I know. But you're amazing and beautiful and can you blame me for being so scared of losing you?" 

Clarke frowned. The 'to him' was unspoken, but she could hear it anyway. "I'm sorry. I just wish you two could get along. I'm trying to find our boundaries. It's just hard, because we've never had to have them with each other." 

Lexa frowned, too. "I guess it's a good thing you two finally got into relationships, then." 

"What do you mean?" 

"I mean that it will help you discover how to depend on other people. No offense, but I always feel like I'm stuck in the middle of that episode of Friends. You know, the one where Phoebe's dating the psychiatrist?" 

They'd been binging the show together, but it had been at least a season since that episode, so it took a moment for Clarke to remember the details. "Are you calling us dysfunctionally codependent?" 

Lexa shrugged. "Maybe a little." 

Clarke was silent as Lexa left the room to get ready for bed. It was one of those moments where it was hard to tell if something Lexa said was an insult or just a fact. There were almost too many of those moments in the relationship. Sometimes, she really hated dating a psychology major. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's what you need to know from the time jump:
> 
> Lexa is Lincoln's friend that was studying abroad (she was mentioned, not by name, in the last chapter). As a way to distance herself from Bellamy, Clarke decided to hang out with O and Lincoln and his friends a bit more. This introduced her to Lexa. She brought Lexa to a movie night to introduce her to all of her friends and it didn't end well. Lexa and Bellamy argued in the kitchen and then Bellamy and Clarke didn't argue immediately, but Clarke wasn't happy with what he said. As mentioned in the chapter above, Bellamy was frustrated by the distance this created between them and ended up leaving home a little more. This is how he met Gina. 
> 
> I'm only a little sorry I don't have a chapter for these introductions. I have a semi-deleted scene of Bellamy and Lexa's conversation from the movie night. I might post that up on [Tumblr](http://ilovethisship.tumblr.com/) eventually if there's any demand for it (I could do it here, too, I suppose), but the chapter wasn't complete enough of an idea/good enough for me to want to include it in the actual story as more than a mention. The conversation in general also called Bellamy out for his feelings a little earlier then I wanted to and as much as I tried to make them say different things, they really wouldn't. He and Lexa are kind of stubborn that way.


	49. Chapter 49

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, this is the last time I try to finish editing a chapter while watching The 100. Typos were out of control. Let me know if you catch any that I missed.

_Grief is not a disorder, a disease or a sign of weakness. It is an emotional, physical and spiritual necessity, the price you pay for love. The only cure for grief is to grieve. – Earl Grollman_

Clarke was alone again for the night. Octavia was at Lincoln’s, Lexa was busy for the third night that week, and Bellamy hadn’t texted her back. Hell, they had all been so busy that Clarke hadn’t told anyone that she decided to apply to med school.

Winter quarter had been hard and it looked like spring might not be much better. As she laid her MCAT books out on the coffee table, Clarke made a mental note to google time management skills, because hers were still severely lacking. There had been a small argument with her mother when she cut back on her volunteering for the quarter. It would have gone better if Clarke had admitted that she was cutting back so she could study for the MCATs. That argument plus the fight they got into when Clarke mentioned the master’s program in art didn’t exactly encourage her to share.

All of her friends were still all busy with their own schedules. Wells was stressed over his impending LSATs, Harper helped him when she had time, and Miller’s application was due to the police academy in a few weeks. She hardly saw Jasper outside of their Biochem class and any time she was able to grab coffee with Monty, he said that Jasper had a new girlfriend even _he_ hadn’t met yet. Any time she managed to get Jasper over to study, he was _suspiciously_ quiet if Clarke started asking questions, so she assumed it was serious. Raven was in the final stretch of her senior year, so most of her free time was spent figuring out what she would do after the quarter was over. Octavia had been elected the next captain of the dance team, so any night she wasn’t at Lincoln’s, she was with the current captain going over the transition.

The one that bothered her the most, though, was Bellamy. It sounded like Wells still saw him more than she did. Any time she had free time and Lexa was busy, he was either busy with homework or hanging out with Gina. She occasionally went to hang out with them both, but it was easier to spend time with them separately. She wasn’t sure why. Ever since the bowling alley, they hadn’t gone a day without talking. That, at least, had improved.

Clarke decided to take advantage of her empty apartment to play loud music and run through a few practice tests while eating an obscene amount of junk food. She was halfway through the first one when she thought she heard something. Instinctively, she reached over to turn the music down a little and immediately regretted it when the noise turned into a knock on her door. Whoever it was would _know_ she was ignoring them if she didn’t answer the door, but she stayed firmly planted in her seat.

When they pounded on the door again, their accompanying shout was muffled by the door. “Clarke, I know you’re in there. O doesn’t listen to that shit.”

 _Bellamy?_ She checked her phone. There were no texts from him.

“Claaaaaaaaarke!”

She slid her MCAT books underneath the couch and then jumped up to open the door. Bellamy was leaning heavily against the doorframe. If his disheveled hair, half-buttoned shirt, and bloodshot eyes weren’t enough to give it away, it smelled like he had _bathed_ in a bottle of tequila. He stumbled his way past her and she took a step back. Make that _two_ bottles of tequila.

“Jesus, Bellamy, what are you doing here?”

“Octavia!” He shouted as he leaned back against the couch. “Nice to see you, too, Princess.” Bellamy tried to stand, but slipped and had to steady himself again. “Where… where’s my sister? I need to talk to her.”

Clarke crossed her arms. “She’s staying at Lincoln’s tonight.” It was apparently the wrong thing to say, because he pushed himself up. All she had to do was slide over a couple steps to lean against the door, which didn’t stop him from trying to open it. It ended with her awkwardly pinned between him and the door, one hand on his chest, the other gripping his shoulder. “Damn it, Bellamy, just stop! Your sister is a grown-ass, independent woman in a loving relationship. Just deal with it.”

He looked down at her and it felt a little like all of the air left her lungs, because he was pressed up against her and it felt… she didn’t want to think about how it felt. “ _You’re_ not my girlfriend, Clarke. You can’t tell me what to do.”

He grabbed her hand and she thought he was pulling it off his shoulder, but he held onto it. His thumb moved in slow, small circles over the back of her hand and she swallowed hard. “Yeah, Bellamy. Not your girlfriend’s apartment, so not your girlfriend. Why’d you come here?”

“I didn’t _want_ to talk to Gina. I _wanted_ to talk to you. Or Octavia.”

Her heart twisted in her chest. “How did you even get here?”

“Don’t worry, Princess, it’s not like I drove. I….”

He trailed off, staring at their joined hands. Clarke cleared her throat and yanked her hand away. The back of her hand burned and he frowned down at her and it was clouding her head. All of it was… it was fucking confusing. She turned him around and he let her push him toward the bathroom. He leaned against the sink as she turned on the shower.

“Take a shower. I can call Gina to come—”

“No!” He cut off a strangled shout. “I don’t want her to see me like this.”

Clarke sighed and rubbed her eyes. Things were already strained with Lexa over their friendship. She didn’t want it to affect his relationship with Gina, too. But in the end, he had come looking for Octavia. He needed someone, so everything else was less of a problem than finding out why he was falling apart again.

“Fine. Just get in. I think I have some stuff that might fit you.”

“I don’t want Finn’s leftover shit,” he said as he finished unbuttoning his shirt. Which he was not wearing anything under.

Clarke spun around and practically jumped through the door, slamming it shut behind her. “Get in the fucking shower, Bellamy. It’s not Finn's.”

She waited at the door until she heard the shower curtain pull back and then rushed to her room to dig through the bottom drawer of her dresser. The thought of letting someone _else_ wear any of this stuff had never seemed like a possibility, but it was her only option in the moment. Bellamy's clothes smelled too much like alcohol and she couldn’t have a naked Bellamy anywhere in her apartment. The thought of naked Bellamy was really unnecessary.

The shower was off when she got back to the bathroom, so she knocked on the door. “You decent?”

He groaned what might have been a ‘yes’ and she risked opening the door. He was standing where she had left him, leaning against the sink, but in only a towel. It was dangerously close to falling off his hips, so she shoved the t-shirt and sweatpants into his arms and rushed out of the room again.

She barely managed to choke out her words. “I’m going to make up the couch for you.”

By the time Bellamy stumbled back into the living room, she had mostly recovered. The couch was set up with extra sheets and a pillow, she had set water and aspirin on the coffee table, and she was most of the way through making macaroni and cheese. He fell back onto the couch.

“You okay?”

“I drank too much.”

“I know.” She finished stirring the fake cheese packet in with the noodles. “Why’d you do that?”

“This girl in my class… she wants to teach home ec, because her favorite memory from growing up is sewing her own clothes with her mom.”

He didn’t say anymore, but it was enough to break Clarke’s heart all over again. After a couple disastrous attempts with a sewing machine, he had left it at her apartment with explicit instructions for her to get rid of it. He refused to even look at it. It reminded her of how she felt after her father's death. The sewing machine in question was sitting in the back of her closet, waiting for him to be ready to take it home. She pulled herself together while she poured the food into bowls and covered his in just a little more sriracha sauce than her own. There wasn’t anything _right_ to say, so she tucked two water bottles under her arm and took the food out to the living room.

Bellamy smiled sadly, his eyes red and puffy when she pushed the bowl into his hands. “You’re not going to make me eat alone, are you?”

Clarke rolled her eyes and sat down next to him carefully. “Um, do you know me? I didn’t make macaroni and cheese for _you_.”

“Yeah, because I didn’t show you the light. Macaroni and cheese is the best drunk food.”

“Macaroni and cheese is the best _food._ ”

He smiled again, but they were both quiet while they took their first few bites. Clarke tried to figure out the right way to phrase her next question, but couldn’t concentrate when her phone beeping on the table. She smiled apologetically as she reached over to grab it.

 **Lexa <3**  
11:15pm  
_Done with my study group earlier than I expected._  
_What are you up to?_  
11:21pm  
_Are you up? You don’t usually go to bed this early._

 **Clarke**  
11:23pm  
_I’m up for a few more minutes._  
_What’s up?_  
_Thought you were studying till you drop?_

 **Lexa <3 **  
11:24pm  
_I’m getting ready to head home now._  
_I thought I might swing by._  
_I hate the idea of you going to bed mad at me._

Clarke froze, not sure how to respond to that. Lexa had cancelled dates right and left the past couple weeks and Clarke  _had_ been upset earlier. The texts looked like an olive branch, but there was no way she could let her come over. She had two choices. She could admit that Bellamy showed up drunk on her doorstep or she could hide it. Bellamy always said she was a horrible liar, so she was sure the truth would come out eventually.

“Everything okay?”

Clarke glanced up at Bellamy and forced herself to smile. “Yeah, it’s fine. Lexa’s just saying goodnight.”

The look on his face told her that he didn’t believe her, but it didn’t matter. He was her biggest concern at the moment. She wouldn’t put it past Lexa to show up on her doorstep if she said Bellamy was too drunk to go home, so she made up her mind.

 **Clarke**  
11:32pm  
_No, don’t worry about it._  
_I’m seriously about to pass out._  
_I’d probably be asleep by the time you got here anyway._

 **Lexa <3**  
11:35pm  
_You can’t even stay awake for another 20 minutes?_

Guilt flooded through Clarke as she set her phone down. It buzzed again once. Twice. A third time. She swallowed hard and looked up at Bellamy, who set his bowl down on the table.

“She’s pissed I’m here, right? I can call Gina. It was stupid of me to come here. I don’t want to fuck things up for you.”

“Hey, no. You need to stay. Please.” She leaned over to push the bowl back into his lap, but noticed it was mostly empty, so she took it and hopped up. “You need more food in your system.”

“Clarke, really—”

“Bellamy, _really_.” He frowned at her from his seat while she filled up his bowl again. It was obvious he was still too drunk to actually argue, which was a good thing. She didn’t have it in her to argue. “You and I haven’t been able to hang out, just the two of us, in a couple months.”

The frown disappeared from his face as he accepted the second bowl of food. “That is true. We’ve both been pretty busy. School and girlfriends.”

She smiled at him as she settled back onto the couch. “You feeling a little more normal after eating?”

“Oh, I’m still drunk. But I’ve come down a lot.” He shoved a bite of food into his mouth and she rolled her eyes. He swallowed and smiled weakly. “I didn’t come here to see O, by the way. I’m not drunk enough not to say that.”

Clarke’s eyes flickered down toward her phone as a new wave of guilt washed over her. “Then… why?”

“I just….” He hesitated and set his food down on the table. “I need to know how you do it, Clarke. You told me that your dad is the reason you wanted to pursue art. How do you hold onto that? How do you do it and it doesn’t hurt you every day?”

“Oh.” Any remaining guilt rushed away. A tear rolled down his cheek and she surged forward to pull him into a hug. He buried his face in the crook of her neck. “Oh, Bellamy. Hey.”

“I don’t even know how to sew, Clarke. I tried. We both know I’m horrible at it. I don’t have this daily reminder that I shared something with her. I don’t even know how I would handle that.”

“My dad gave me my first sketchbook when I was four after I ruined one of his blueprints. He set up this little desk next to his drafting table and I would sit there for hours and draw next to him while he was working. He converted that room above our garage into a studio for me when I was fourteen. I couldn’t touch _any_ of it for at least six months after he died.”

Clarke pulled back and ducked her head down to look him in the eye. She wiped another tear from his cheek.

“One day, I woke up and I had this idea for a painting stuck in my head. I tried to ignore it, but it was there every single day for two weeks straight. I finally ditched school one day and went up to that room and I lost myself in everything. Every single stroke of paint was… cathartic. It felt like every single bad thing I felt was pouring out of me and I cried and it hurt, but… it was a good hurt. I decided I couldn’t ever let that go again. I mean, maybe I latched onto the idea of the major a little too hard, but you know me. As soon as I realized my mom thought it was a bad idea, I needed to do it. I don’t know what I’m going to do with it, but I do know that nothing will stop me from being an artist ever again.”

“What if I don’t know what I’m supposed to hold onto?”

“If you want to learn how to sew, we can go back to those tutorials on Youtube.”

A laugh bubbled up from his chest. “We both know how well that went last time I tried. You really want to deal with that again?”

“I think it’s an option, if you want it to be. The sewing machine is still in my closet.” She smiled at him and tugged on the sleeve of the t-shirt he was wearing. “We should try to make some emergency pillowcases for you out of some of her old clothes. It might help. I wear this stuff when I’m having a _really_ bad day.”

Bellamy’s head snapped down so fast it was almost comical. He ran his hands along the shirt and then the pants and looked up at her reverently. “I thought these belonged to Wells or something.”

Clarke shrugged. “I keep them tucked in the bottom drawer of my dresser for emergencies.”

“I can’t believe you’re letting me wear these. Isn’t that kind of… weird?”

It didn’t feel weird to her. It felt… _intimate_. The word floated through her mind. She forced it away. “I don’t think so. If anything, the next time I feel like I need to put these on, it’ll kind of be like you’re there with me, too. I’ll just think about the incredibly stupid conversations you would have had with my dad. It would have been awful, by the way. He would have _loved_ you.”

Bellamy scratched the back of his head and looked down for a moment as he flushed up to his ears. “What makes you say that?”

Clarke grinned at him. “You two have the same stupid, sarcastic sense of humor. The jokes would have been out of control.”

He grinned back. “You definitely got stuck with that sense of humor, too. I don’t think we’d be friends if you didn’t.”

They talked about their parents for hours. Bellamy wanted to hear more about her dad and she wanted to hear more about Aurora when they were children, before she was diagnosed with cancer the first time. By the time they were both yawning more than they could control, it was almost four in the morning. It finally felt like their friendship was back to normal and Clarke went to sleep racking her brain for ways to keep it that way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I'm close to having the next chapter finished, but I also figured out I need to completely rewrite the beginning, so it may be a few days. Most of the future chapters are finished, so if I can keep up the pace with updates, we'll probably be done in a little over a month. It's hard to believe, but it's close! Thanks as always to everyone for all the love for this fic.


	50. Chapter 50

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow okay, I'm sorry this has taken me so long. I finally decided to cut this chapter in half, because it was getting way too long. I'm finally a little bit happy with this part and I just have a little bit left in the second half. And there's two and a half weeks between them anyway, so it makes sense to split them up. I wanted to get everything all out in one chapter, but it didn't work that way. <3 Sorry! It shouldn't take me as long to get the next one out.

The first day Clarke didn’t hear from Lexa, she wanted to assume she was busy. It was easier to assume that she was busy than to think that she was being ignored.

The second day, she was angry.

The third day, she was a little worried. She was tempted to ask Lincoln if he knew what was going on, but she didn’t want to put him in the middle of things. Instead, she decided to pretend that there wasn’t anything wrong.

On the fourth night, she cried herself to sleep and wondered what could be so wrong with her that someone would just disappear without saying anything.

The fifth day, Monty bought her a mocha with extra whip and caramel drizzle between classes. When he handed it over, he didn’t even tease her about the grotesque amount of sugar in her drink. It was clear that she wasn’t doing a a great job at fooling her friends.

She skipped her classes on day six, because she had slept so poorly the night before.

By the time a week had gone by, Clarke discovered that anger almost functioned as well as caffeine to get her through the day. If she let herself be angry, it gave her a little boost. Not enough to make it through the day, but enough to make a decision. She was done texting, done calling, done moping. She was just _angry_. Anger is what drove her to Lexa’s apartment to pound on the door until she got an answer.

No one was home, so she sat down on the floor to wait. While she waited, she pulled out her study guide for the MCATs to run over some more questions. The test was in three weeks and Clarke’s current stress levels hadn’t been great for her study schedule. It was a way to pass time until Lexa got home, but time still dragged.

And dragged.

It had been almost an hour when she heard Lexa’s voice coming up the stairs in the form of a hushed argument. Sudden, overwhelming panic made Clarke feel sick to her stomach as Lexa appeared at the top of the stairs, flattened cardboard boxes tucked under her arm. Lexa stopped in her tracks at the sight of Clarke and a startled Lincoln almost slammed into her back.

Clarke took a deep breath and clenched her fists so tight her nails dug into her palms. She barely recognized her own voice through the strain. “We need to talk.”

To her credit, Lexa looked mildly panicked for about thirty seconds. Of course, one of her more frustrating qualities was the handle she had on her emotions, but Clarke felt a little victorious that it appeared to take an effort to get them under control. “I was planning on calling you in a couple days to talk.”

Lincoln scoffed, startling Clarke and Lexa both. “Well, she’s here now, so you can fucking talk.” He took the boxes from Lexa and let himself into her apartment. On his way in, he shot Clarke an apologetic look. She wondered how long he had known about whatever was going on. She wondered what they had been arguing about on their walk up the stairs.

The silence stretched painfully after he was gone. Lexa maintained eye contact, but her jaw was set.

Clarke broke first. “What the fuck are the boxes for?”

“I got the opportunity to live in Florence next year. My advisor arranged it so I can finish the year there. I couldn’t turn it down.”

“You couldn’t… couldn’t turn it down?” It was hard not to choke on her words. Any thought of standing to try to be on more even ground vanished half-formed. Clarke was sure she couldn’t stand if she needed to.  “So you decided to what? Pack up and leave without saying goodbye?”

“I told you, I was going to call you in a couple of days.”

“Were you planning on calling while the plane was taxiing down the runway? ‘Oh, hey, Clarke. On my way to Rome. Peace?’”

Lexa had the decency to look ashamed, but her tone was still harsh. “Don’t be like that, Clarke.”

“Be like what? Pissed off that my girlfriend is apparently moving halfway around the world without telling me? Of fucking course I’m going to be like this. What did you expect?”

Lexa sighed and sat down on the floor, motioning to the ground next to her. Clarke glared and crossed her arms. No way was she going to sit next to her and let Lexa try to talk her way out of it. It felt like she had a better chance at staying strong if she stood, so she finally forced herself up. When Lexa realized Clarke wasn’t going to move, she sighed again and leaned back.

“How would you have preferred I handle this?”

“You could have called or come over or anything! We could have sat down and talked this out like adults.”

“Should we be sitting to talk this out like adults? Because you’re standing now.”

Clarke rolled her eyes. “Just tell me how long you’ve known about this.”

“I’ve known about the opportunity since before we started dating.”

“Did you apply for it right away?”

“No. I almost missed the deadline, actually. I didn’t want to put the strain on a new relationship.”

“And this isn’t strain on a ‘new’ relationship?!” She used air quotes, because their relationship wasn’t new. Not anymore.

Lexa shrugged. “I decided that I needed to look out for myself. I was being weak by trying to factor you into my decisions this early in the relationship. Especially when you’re not ready to make such a strong commitment.”

Clarke’s jaw dropped. It was impossible to fully absorb what Lexa said. “I don’t… what are you talking about? When did I ever give you the impression that I wasn’t willing to commit to you? You didn’t even give me a chance to fix whatever you think is wrong.”

“I gave you plenty of chances. I told you what I needed to feel secure in our relationship and you blatantly disregarded it multiple times.”

The ‘Bellamy’ of it all hit her like a ton of bricks. “Please tell me you’re not moving to a different continent to punish me because you don’t like my _best friend_.”

Lexa raised an eyebrow. “I don’t know if I’d word it that way.”

Clarke took a step back into the wall behind her, shocked at how far Lexa was going to try to prove a point. “Well, then how would you word it?”

Lexa stood, walked over to her, and ran her thumb along Clarke’s cheek. She smiled sadly. “I can be second or third or fourth place behind school or work or maybe even family, but I can’t be behind him. It’s not fair to me. It’s not fair to either of you.”

They stood there in silence for a moment as Clarke once again attempted to absorb what was happening. She didn’t know if she should push Lexa’s hand away or try to beg, because both seemed valid to her in the moment. Lexa had never been patient, though.

“I need to keep packing, Clarke. You can stay, but it would probably be better if you go.”

Clarke frowned and took a few steps toward the stairs before turning back. Lexa was still watching her. “We could have tried long distance, you know. I thought you were worth it.”

“It wouldn’t have worked.”

“Why?”

“If you don’t understand now, I hope you do someday.” Lexa went inside her apartment and didn’t look back.

* * *

 **Lincoln <3 **  
2:32pm  
_Lexa’s moving to Italy._

 **Octavia**  
2:33pm  
_EXCUSE ME WHAT?_

 **Lincoln <3 **  
2:35pm  
_I went to her place today to talk to her and ended up taking her to the store for more boxes._  
_She’s moving to Italy for her first year of grad school._

 **Octavia**  
2:37pm  
_Clarke hasn’t mentioned this to me at all_  
_What the hell?_

 **Lincoln <3**  
2:38pm  
_Pretty sure Clarke didn’t know._  
_When we got back with the boxes, Clarke was sitting outside her apartment._  
_L’s trying to hide the fact that she’s crying while she boxes up her books._  
_I think she just broke up with Clarke._

 **Octavia**  
2:41pm  
_Hey, I love you, but maybe fucking lead with that next time._

 **Lincoln <3**  
2:42pm  
_Noted._  
_Tell me how she’s doing when you get home, okay?_  
_By the time I got out there, she was already gone._

 **Octavia**  
2:43pm  
_I’ll be home in 20_  
_I’ll text you as soon as I can_

* * *

By the time Octavia got home, Clarke was basically a pile of blankets on the couch. The pile didn’t even move when the door shut, but O could see Clarke’s toes sticking out and what appeared to be an eyehole at the other end.

_“You’re being really nice and what I’m about to say is going to make you hate me.”_

_“Okay, then I’ll just open the box for you.”_

Octavia didn’t need to look at the TV to recognize Parks and Rec. She set her bag on the ground and pulled off her jazz shoes before she called across the room. “Why are you starting at season four?” She thought she did a great job at sounding casual.

“I just needed to, okay?” Clarke’s voice was muffled and a little broken.

“Is it okay if I watch with you?”

“If you want. I thought you had practice tonight.”

Octavia _was_ supposed to go to practice, but she hardly ever skipped. This was definitely an emergency and she didn’t want to leave Clarke alone. She walked over to the couch and stood next to Clarke’s head. “I’m not feeling too great,” she lied. “I think I’m going to stay home.”

The blankets shifted, the episode paused, and Clarke poked her head out to study Octavia. Her eyes were red and puffy, but she had stern doctor face on. “Do you have a fever? I can go get you some soup. Do you want Mucinex? Nyquil? Tums?”

“No, no, no.” Octavia climbed onto the couch and hugged Clarke as best as she could through the blankets. “I’m mostly worried _you’re_ not feeling well. You’re usually studying your face off right now, not binging TV. Not that I’m complaining. I want to hang out, just in case.”

“Oh. Well, you don’t need to.”

Octavia rolled her eyes and started searching through the blankets. “Where’s the controller? You really think I’m going to practice when Ben and Leslie are breaking up? You know I can’t see this episode without binging straight through to episode eight. Maybe episode nine.”

Clarke muttered something under her breath about Lincoln, but O didn’t hear enough and just stared at the TV expectantly. The episode eventually started up again and Clarke leaned her head against Octavia’s shoulder.

* * *

 **Octavia**  
4:45pm  
_do you know why they broke up?_  
_clarke has confirmed the event_  
_but won’t talk about the circumstances_  
_i can’t tell if she’s more mad or sad_

 **Lincoln <3 **  
4:57pm  
_Is she okay?_  
_Lexa isn’t being very forthcoming._

 **Octavia**  
5:00pm  
_well the whole thing is fucked up_  
_i don’t know if i even care why_  
_i mean i do_  
_because clarke’s a badass_  
_and lexa’s an idiot_  
5:05pm  
_sorry_  
_i mean i do mean that_  
_but i know she’s your friend_

 **Lincoln <3 **  
5:07pm  
_Don’t worry about it._  
_I'm fucking pissed too._  
_Lexa’s been hurt a lot though._  
_I don’t think she was fully over her last breakup._

 **Octavia**  
5:09pm  
_Well that’s bullshit_  
_why would she start a new relationship?_  
_clarke is way better than a rebound_

 **Lincoln <3 **  
5:15pm  
_I know._  
_This is all my fault._  
_I shouldn’t have introduced them._

 **Octavia**  
5:17pm  
_you can’t blame yourself for this_  
_blame your bff_  
_she’s an adult and knew what she was doing_

 **Lincoln <3 **  
5:18pm  
_You didn’t answer my question, by the way._  
_Is Clarke okay?_

 **Octavia**  
5:21pm  
_I don’t really know._  
_we're watching season 4 parks and rec_  
_she’s not crying_  
_but she’s staring at the screen and won’t talk anymore_

* * *

 **Lincoln <3 **  
7:14pm  
_I have a theory about the breakup._  
_But you can’t freak out if I tell you._

 **Octavia**  
7:16pm  
_You know I can’t promise that._

 **Lincoln <3 **  
7:17pm  
_Well at least promise that you won’t jump all over Clarke about it._

 **_Octavia_ **  
7:18pm  
_Fuck_  
_the things i do for love_  
_this is bullshit_  
_tell me_

 **Lincoln <3 **  
7:20pm  
_Okay, so you know they’ve been fighting._

 **Octavia**  
7:21pm  
_duh_

 **Lincoln <3 **  
7:23pm  
_Not helpful._  
_I’m rolling my eyes at you._  
_What was always the main factor in their fights?_

 **Octavia**  
7:26pm  
_no way_  
_no_  
_just no_  
_that’s the stupidest thing i've ever heard_

 **Lincoln <3 **  
7:29pm  
_You really think it’s that farfetched?_  
_Lexa’s pretty insecure._  
_Why would it be weird for her to be jealous of Bellamy?_

 **Octavia**  
7:31pm  
_okay you know i used to think there was something there_  
_i thought it for a long time_  
_but clarke started dating lexa and bell started dating gina_  
_who is amazing btw_  
_i was wrong_  
_it’s okay to be wrong sometimes_  
_it’s the way odds work_  
_despite what you say i am not perfect all the time_

 **Lincoln <3**  
7:34pm  
_Stop making me laugh._  
_It’s pissing Lexa off._  
_But you know I used to be jealous of Clarke, right?_

 **Octavia**  
7:35pm  
_wow okay_  
_even through texts you’re the worst liar_  
_you two immediately bonded_

 **Lincoln <3 **  
7:38pm  
_Not true._  
_I liked her, yeah._  
_She was the most welcoming out of everyone._  
_But she’s your best friend._  
_She still knows things about you that I don’t._  
_It’s the same thing._  
_And you’re not the only one who thought something was there._  
_Their friendship has always seemed a little romantic._  
_Raven and Jasper never shut up about it._  
_Especially when he was sleeping over all the time._  
_He was still sleeping there a couple nights a week when she started dating Lexa._  
_He didn’t stop until after she introduced Lexa to everyone._  
_It’s why they never got along._  
_Side note, can you tell them to remove me from the fucking group text?_

 **Octavia**  
7:45pm  
_still don’t buy it_  
_we knew he was still there_  
_they weren’t fucking_  
_and lexa never knew he was sleeping over, did she?_  
_also i asked them to a couple times_  
_jasper says no because he wants you to feel included_

 **Lincoln <3 **  
7:48pm  
_I mentioned it to her once._  
_Way before they met._  
_I don’t know if she ever connected the dots._  
_But she’s not stupid._  
_I’d be surprised if she didn’t._  
_Wait... can't you remove me from the group? You're the one who made it._

 **Octavia**  
7:50pm  
_i don't know what you're talking about_  
_at least jasper's been quieter since they started dating people_  
_can't we call it a victory?_  
_and if you don’t know if she knew bell was sleeping over_  
_i still don’t buy it_  
_there were other reasons for them to break up_  
_because i love you i refuse to extrapolate_

 **Lincoln <3 **  
7:52pm  
_Thanks, I think?_

* * *

 **Octavia**  
9:48pm  
_Wow._  
_I honestly can’t believe Lexa dumped Clarke because she’s jealous of my stupid brother_

 **Lincoln <3 **  
9:50pm  
_What changed your mind?_

 **Octavia**  
9:51pm  
_Clarke just told me_  
_on her own, I promise_  
_i didn’t even ask_  
_they’ve literally been fighting about him for three months_  
_are you still at her place?_

 **Lincoln <3 **  
9:54pm  
_I’m getting ready to go home._  
_Why? Want me to call you?_

 **Octavia**  
9:55pm  
_No. I want you to stab her._

 **Lincoln <3 **  
9:55pm  
_You’re terrifying sometimes._

 **Octavia**  
9:56pm  
_All the time._  
_And come on._  
_Just a little bit?_

 **Lincoln <3 **  
9:57pm  
_No stabbing._  
_How do you stab someone just a little bit?_

 **Octavia**  
9:58pm  
_Ugh, you’re no fun._  
_I just want to defend Clarke’s honor._

 **Lincoln** **< 3 **  
9:59pm  
_All over it babe._  
_I promise._  
_WITHOUT STABBING._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, now that you're done and you know what happens OH MY GOD THIS WAS THE HARDEST CHAPTER TO WRITE EVER. I literally rewrote it five times before it felt decent. Getting into the right mindset for a breakup was basically impossible. It was going to happen and it couldn't happen "offscreen" which sucked. I wanted to cut this so bad, haha. All the music in my playlist is Bellarke feels and when I went looking for sad breakup playlists, they were all full of sappy love songs that applied to Bellarke. NOT TO BREAKUPS. I mean, it's been a while since I've been through a breakup, but I don't think those playlists would work for me.
> 
> Oh yeah, surprise! Brief Octavia POV.
> 
> Anyway, I sequestered myself in silence this weekend and I rewrote the beginning about three times, but I got it done! Finally! The second half is being annoying now, because they keep saying things I didn't intend for them to say. So, I'm addressing that and trying to figure out if I can say what I had originally planned.
> 
> But yeah, thank you so much for your patience. I know there's no real Bellamy/Clarke interaction above, but I hope it was sort of worth the wait. Don't worry. He's back in person in the next chapter.


	51. Chapter 51

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry I didn't get this out sooner. The polls last week were definitely the most time consuming of all my procrastination activities, but there were a few other things holding me back. We didn't win everything, but I'm super proud of us for bagging Best Actor, Best Actress, and... dun dun dun... SEXIEST MOMENT! I'm still blown away by the fact that we won THAT poll with such a high margin. 51% of the votes? I don't even have words.
> 
> Anyway, have the chapter! <3

It had been two and a half weeks and Clarke was tired of crying.

It was easy to ignore her feelings during class. It would have been nice if she still had the MCATs to study for, but her regular homework was almost enough of a distraction on its own. Most of the time, she made it through her shifts at the clinic without incident and it was easier to shut down her emotions when Octavia was home (and distracting by proxy).

But the nights? They were the worst. After two months of sleeping next to Bellamy and almost four months next to Lexa, she had adjusted to sleeping next to someone on a fairly regular basis. Instead, half of her bed was cold and empty. When she tried sleeping in the middle, it made her feel worse. In the middle, she was _surrounded_ by the cold and empty spaces. She ended up plugging in her old night light, because total darkness was too suffocating. Sometimes she cried, but a lot of the time, she just lay there wondering why.

Why couldn’t Lexa try harder with her friends?

Why didn’t Lexa trust her?

Why didn’t she believe in love?

Clarke wasn’t sure she believed in love after everything. It was hard to convince herself it didn’t exist, though, with the friends that she had. It was easier to try to push them away. Try being the key word. It was easy to ignore text messages, but impossible to avoid a roommate. When she stopped answering texts, her friends just texted O instead. When they all gave up on texting her and just asked O how she was doing, it didn’t feel like much of a victory.

Still, Octavia refused to shoulder the burden that was Clarke Griffin alone and recruited Wells to try to convince her to leave the apartment. Clarke was annoyed and didn’t feel ready to go out, so she may have yelled at him a little louder than she intended. It _did_ get the message across, though.

He shoved his hands into his pockets at the door and turned around to frown at her. “Clarke, I know you’re not okay. I can stay if you want company.”

“I don’t want yours.”

He winced and exhaled heavily. “Okay. Message received.”

The guilt caught up when he finally turned the doorknob. “Wells, wait!” He hesitated. “Look, I’m sorry. I—”

“Clarke, it’s no big deal. We can do the apology thing when you’re feeling better.” He turned back to give her one more sad smile. “You know my love can be bought with coffee.”

He left and she was alone. Again. It wasn’t much of a victory at all.

* * *

**The Senator**  
6:45pm  
_It’s your turn._

 **Bellamy**  
6:53pm  
_What’s my turn?_

 **The Senator**  
6:54pm  
_To try to get Clarke to come out tonight?_  
_Or to just get her to say anything?_

 **Bellamy**  
6:56pm  
_I need more of an explanation than that._

 **The Senator**  
6:59pm  
_Didn’t Octavia text you?_  
_We’re all going to The Island tonight._  
_Gina’s here._  
_I thought you’d be coming, too._

 **Bellamy**  
7:01pm  
_No…_  
_I told O I couldn’t._  
_I need to finish this project._

 **The Senator**  
7:01pm  
_You also told her to text you if Clarke was coming._  
_That implies a willingness to join us._

 **Bellamy**  
7:05pm  
_And you just told me Clarke isn’t going._  
_You guys should just give her some space._  
_She wants to be alone._  
_That’s how she handles all her emotions._

 **The Senator**  
7:07pm  
_The specific sentiment I received from her when I asked if she wanted company was:_  
_“Not yours.”_

 **Bellamy**  
7:10pm  
_Ouch._  
_Do you need me to defend your honor?_  
_Do you need me to tell her your feelings are hurt?_  
_Do you need a hug?_

 **The Senator**  
7:12pm  
_Neither of you are any fun right now._  
_Here come the big guns, bitch._  
_Yeah, I called you bitch._  
_It didn't feel right, did it?_

 **Gina**  
7:14pm  
_I’m supposed to tell you to rescue Clarke from her self-sabotage?_

 **Bellamy**  
7:17pm  
_Wow._  
_Do you know I have the worst friends?_  
_They’re so nosy._  
_How do you even hang out with them?_

 **Gina**  
7:20pm  
_You know I have horrible taste in people. ;)_  
_Is Clarke okay, though?_

Bellamy sighed. Gina’s question bothered him, because he didn’t know the answer. It had been a long time since he didn’t know the answer to that question.

It wasn’t like he had been avoiding Clarke, but O had basically immediately told him the reason behind the breakup. If anything, he assumed she’d rather not see him. He still texted her every day to ask if she needed anything, but her one word answers got pretty annoying. She didn’t even fight back when he told her that.

That should have been enough of a hint that she needed him, but he had been a stubborn idiot.

 **Bellamy**  
7:30pm  
_I don’t know._  
_I haven’t heard from her today._

 **Gina**  
7:52pm  
_Well, it’s been discussed at length over here_  
_and now you’re aware of the group consensus._  
_If you can’t make time in your busy schedule for us_  
_you should probably go check on Clarke._

 **Bellamy**  
7:54pm  
_You're right._  
_As usual._  
_Don't let it go to your head._

 **Gina**  
7:55pm  
_No promises._

He was already at the store when Gina texted him again. He felt a little guilty about being so willing to go to Clarke’s, but they were right. She needed someone to lean on, whether or not she would admit it. To help her get there, he needed supplies. The looks he got while he was perusing the nail polish aisle didn’t bother him. It wasn’t like he had never bought O nail polish.

Gathering up what he needed didn’t take too long, so he made it to her apartment before nine. He used his key to let himself in more out of habit than anything. It didn’t occur to him to knock until he saw the shocked look on her face.

She was standing at the dining table in an oversized t-shirt and shorts using the easel he bought her for Christmas to paint. It was a good thing it was warm outside, because she had _all_ the windows open (he assumed it was to get rid of the paint smell before O got home). She had also spread plastic all over the table and the floor. He grinned, because it had been a long time since he had seen her painting, but she tilted her head and pointed the red-tipped brush at him accusingly.

“What are you doing here?”

He hoisted the grocery bags up in the air. “I heard you decided to stay in, too. I come bearing gifts.”      

She eyed him carefully. “What did you bring?”

“Well, other than myself?” When she rolled her eyes, but set down her brush, he took the invitation to start emptying the bags onto the other end of the table. “I’ve got some double fudge brownie ice cream, some chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream, a couple different kinds of cookies, red vines, soda, Doritos, some—”

“Did you buy out the whole fucking store?”

“Nope. Just got enough stuff for a fun night on the couch, if you want.”

“Well, I don’t want.” She glared at him again. “I’m perfectly capable of taking care of myself.”

“That’s been pretty clear since the day I met you.”

“Has it? Maybe I wanted to stay in, because I wanted to paint! I’ve been sitting on this idea for weeks now and no one will give me any fucking breathing room.”

Bellamy sighed. “I’m not going to take the bait, Clarke.”

“You think I’m _baiting_ you?”

“I think you’re angry and you don’t know how to get it out, so you’re trying to fight everyone who cares about you.”

“I was _trying_ to take it out on this painting, but you came waltzing in here like you own the place.”

“Then take away my key!”

“I thought you weren’t going to fight with me!”

Bellamy paused and took a step back. Her eyes were watery, but her jaw was set, and he didn’t know what to do. Even though he was mad at her, he couldn’t bring himself to actually argue. It wouldn’t make her feel better. If it would make her feel better, he’d let her yell at him all she wanted, but he didn’t want to be another reason she felt guilty.

“I’m not. I’m sorry.” He pushed everything back into the bags and took it into the kitchen to unload it. When he came back, she looked less confrontational, but he set the handful of nail polish onto the table so he could leave. “You’ve got the stuff. You can do what you want with it.”

“You bought nail polish?”

He shrugged. “I have a little sister. I know what to buy in case of emergency.”

It was silent for a moment and he risked another glance up. She was studying him with narrowed eyes. Still, her question didn’t come out sounding entirely unfriendly. “I’m supposed to paint my nails to feel better?”

“Well, I would have painted them while eating copious amounts of junk food and watching shitty television.”

She studied him a moment longer and he forced himself not to look down under her scrutiny. The corners of her lips twitched up in an almost smile. “Can I paint yours?”

Bellamy rolled his eyes, but couldn’t hold in his smile. “Did O tell you I used to let her do that?” Clarke shrugged and he wasn’t surprised O said something. When she was younger and he had to babysit, it was one of the only things that would keep her still. “Fine. You can paint my toes. I can’t go into Etter’s class with….” He trailed off and studied the nail polish. He’d brought her a variety: neon green and pink, bright purple, yellow, and a blue. He met her eyes again and she was actually smirking, so he grabbed the pink. “I can’t go into her class with bright pink fingernails, but toes? That’ll be fine.”

“Okay, cool.” She walked around the table to look at the colors herself and picked up the neon green bottle. When she looked up at him, her eyes were watery again. “Bellamy, I’m really—”

“Going to find out how awesome I am at painting nails? Yeah, I know. What kind of ice cream do you want?”

Before she could answer, he started back toward the kitchen and left her to clean her brushes. He didn’t need an apology, because she was letting him stay. He had to ask her a second time before she told him to bring everything out into the living room.

“We’re not watching shitty television, though,” she said as she helped him set all of the junk food on the coffee table. When she grabbed the roll of paper towels away from his side, she shook her head. “How did you carry all of this?”

“I’m really talented,” he said around the spoon in his mouth. “What are we watching if we’re not watching shitty television?”

“Did you only bring one spoon?”

He set the spoon on top of the ice cream and smiled at her. “Your kitchen is right there, Princess. If you don’t want to share, go get your own spoon. I’m only _so_ talented.”

She settled on the couch and grabbed the remote and the double fudge brownie ice cream. “If we’re watching stuff, I’m almost done with season six of Parks and Rec again, so we’re just picking up there.”

He threw himself down next to her and grabbed her foot and the nail polish she picked out. “I can’t believe you’re forcing me into the end of a season. Andy and April’s wedding, Ben and Leslie’s wedding? How much of pregnant Ann have I missed? You know I’m going to have to start season one when I get home now.”

She rolled her eyes, but smiled at him. “We can start at season one, if you really need to.”

“No, it’s your night.”

They started the where she left off and he painted her nails while she ate ice cream. Then, they switched and she painted his nails while he ate ice cream. He was proud of himself, because he got her to laugh a couple times when she was paying too much attention to the television and not enough to where she was putting nail polish. After a few episodes, when she was sure her nails were dry, she got up to put the ice cream away and sat down a little closer to him when she got back.

Clarke leaned her head on his shoulder and propped her feet up on the coffee table, wiggling her toes. “How have we been friends for three years and I didn’t know you could do this? You are _way_ better than I am at painting someone’s nails.”

“We haven’t been friends for three years.”

She turned her head so she could glare at him. “Well, fine, if you want to not count the six months we couldn’t stand each other.”

“No,” he laughed and her expression faded into a pout. “I mean, it’s May. We met in October.”

“Oh. Well, I’m rounding up.” She settled her head back onto his shoulder. “How come you haven’t come over before tonight? Everyone else has been really ‘in my face’ trying to get me through my moping stage.”

They had both been busy and he was scared that she wouldn’t talk to him. Their relationship been different the last few months, too. He didn’t want to say that, so he tried to joke instead. “I wanted to, but you know how you get around me. Word vomit. You’d let it all out and it would be cathartic and you wouldn’t be able to be sad anymore. I’m sure you wanted to mope for a while before I magically made everything feel better again.”

She elbowed him, but she laughed. They watched the episode in silence for a few more minutes before she paused it and turned to look at him. “I’m ready for it. The cathartic word vomit, I mean.”

He pulled his feet up onto the couch and turned to face her. “Okay, hit me with it.”

“How is Gina okay with us being friends?”

The question shocked him. He had been expecting a rant of some kind. Even if she had asked a question, he would not have expected that one. “This is part of your cathartic word vomit?”

“Well, I’m pretty sure my bi-ness is what broke my relationship with Lexa. Like, I’m not gay enough for her or something. She was just _so_ jealous of you and I don’t get why she couldn’t trust me. So how does Gina trust you with me?”

Bellamy felt his heart breaking for her. She didn’t like to talk about it, so Bellamy never pressed, but he knew it was the same reason her first girlfriend ended their relationship. “I don’t really know. I don’t think she’s wired for jealousy.”

Clarke fell back onto the couch and closed her eyes. “Yeah, I figured. I guess I was secretly hoping she was talking behind my back or something so it would justify Lexa’s behavior.”

“Well, too bad, because she’s on board the ‘Clarke is awesome’ train. I think Harper and Miller had her brainwashed before she even met you, so you never had a chance.”

“Well, that fucking sucks.”

“Yeah, it’s absolutely awful how nice she is.”

She nudged him with her foot and a small smile that disappeared almost as soon as it materialized. Bellamy watched her for a moment, but she lay there with her eyes closed, mouth slowly twisting back into a frown. It almost startled him when she opened her eyes and met his gaze. A couple tears escaped, but she wiped them away with a quick swipe. He couldn’t stand the idea that someone made her doubt anything about herself.

“I need to circle back to the whole ‘you’re not gay enough’ thing, if that’s okay.”

She nodded and her brow furrowed a little as she picked at her nails.

“Is this something she actually said to you?”

“No. Not in so many words. I just thought it was interesting that she was only jealous of—” She cut herself off and shook her head. “She was only jealous of my male friends. She didn’t care about Raven or Octavia or Harper. I know that I’m projecting my insecurities onto the situation. It’s stupid.”

Bellamy grabbed her leg, because it was the only thing within reach. He felt a little dumb, but he pushed through, because he was committed to the moment. “It’s not stupid, Clarke. But if some guy is ever jealous of the girls in your life, you’d tell him to suck it up, right?”

“Well, yeah, but that’s easier.”

“Why?”

She shrugged. Instead of responding, she focused on the spot where Bellamy’s thumb was rubbing against her calf. He waited, hoping she would say something, because he didn’t know how to make the situation better. When she didn’t, he sighed.

“So, I don’t really know what to say to try to make you feel better. I assumed you’d be doing the venting, not me.”

“But I need validation, Bellamy. Duh.” She laughed weakly and he smiled.

“I don’t know if I can give you that, but if anyone ever makes you feel like you’re not ‘gay enough’ or ‘straight enough’, please tell me and I’ll fight them for you. I’ll tell them that you’re the perfect amount of bi. One hundred and ten percent bi with all that extra credit you turned in. That’s an A plus in most school systems.”

Clarke finally let out a full laugh and Bellamy grinned when she threw a pillow at him. “I’ll keep you in mind the next time my sexuality needs a letter grade.”

“Good. I don’t like it when you doubt yourself. “

“Too bad.” She sat up and smiled at him before pulling the pillow back into her lap. “I’m always a bundle of self-doubt, but I usually hide it better.”

“I know.” He toyed with the edge of the pillow and frowned. “I hope you know that you deserve someone who accepts you unconditionally, though. You don’t need to prove yourself to anyone.”

“Just myself. And you. I had to prove that I wasn’t the spoiled brat you thought I was.”

“But here’s the difference. It bothered you that I thought that stuff, sure, but you didn’t have to actually do anything to prove I was wrong except be yourself. It didn’t take long for me to figure out that you were probably the best person to ever exist.”

Her face immediately turned bright red and she looked down at her lap.

“I’m fucking serious, Clarke. You deserve someone who is going to acknowledge that daily. Someone hot and smart who accepts you and wants to take care of you as much as you take care of everyone else. Someone who will travel the world with you and go art exhibits with you and come to our movie nights and–”

“If you don’t stop, I’m going to start crying.”

“Okay, fine.” Bellamy threw his hands up in the air. “I’ll stop embarrassing you with your awesomeness.”

Clarke glared at him, but the effect she intended it to have was ruined by the smile tugging at the corner of her lips. He grinned at her and pulled her into a tight hug and sighed when she buried her head into his shoulder. It had been a long time since they’d had a real hug and he allowed himself to enjoy it. There would be time for guilt later. After a few moments, she pulled back, wiping her eyes again.

“Sorry if I embarrassed you with your awesomeness.”

She smiled sadly. “Sorry I tried to kick you out.”

He shrugged. “It’s not the first time that’s happened. I mean, you’ve actually kicked me out of here before, so….” He trailed off and she smiled again. “I know this is a dumb question, but do you feel any better?”

“Not a ton, but I’ll get there.”

“Well, you didn’t rant as much as I expected. Maybe it’ll come in waves.”

“I’ll be sure to call you as soon as I get the urge to finish the cathartic word vomit.”

“The second you do, you promise?” She looked down at her lap again and he had to tilt his head to look her in the eyes. “I’m serious. Eight in the morning? Midnight? Two in the afternoon? I’ll answer any time.”

Clarke agreed reluctantly and he could see her pulling back into her shell a little. He tried not to let it bother him. Instead, he chose to focus on the fact that she finally talked to someone and as they turned the show back on, he hoped she knew that he would do anything she ever needed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter went somewhere that I wasn't anticipating in the original outline. It's another reason I was so delayed, I'm sorry. I had to call my little brother and get his opinion on some things and ask it would be weird to include them in a story I was writing. Obviously I got the validation I wanted, lol, but if you have any questions or even just want to talk about it, message me on tumblr or comment here. Not totally happy with the chapter, but not unhappy with it either!
> 
> Next chapter is finished. I'm working on edits now. Things only changed a little with the addition of Gina to the story, so I just have to adjust a couple paragraphs! Way easier than having an entire chapter to write. :)
> 
> Come hang out with me on [Tumblr](http://ilovethisship.tumblr.com/)!


	52. Chapter 52

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was half asleep when I edited this chapter, so don't judge me! :)

Bellamy’s apartment was the loudest it had been all year. They had stopped throwing parties where there might be underage drinking, mostly out of pity for Miller. He wanted to be a cop, uphold the law and all that, so everyone understood. The fact that he could handle Clarke and the others drinking when they came over was enough.

It was pure chaos in the living room. Raven was in town for the weekend and _had_ to meet Gina, so it was as good a reason as any to resurrect movie night. The decision was met with _way_ too much excitement from almost everyone. He was a little ashamed he’d let it go so long without getting everyone together. Really, seeing the way Clarke couldn’t stop grinning made everything worth it.

He watched everyone try to talk over each other from the kitchen for a few minutes, but knew he had to interrupt eventually. “Hey! Are you all going to sit around making googly eyes at each other or will someone help me in here?”

Clarke and Gina both yelled, “I got it!” They looked at each other and collapsed in giggles. Almost to Bellamy’s dismay, Clarke was the one who bounded over the back of the couch and brushed past him. She grabbed his elbow and pulled him through the kitchen door.

Her phone buzzed while she finished prepping the popcorn and her smile faded when she unlocked it. He cut up the pizza and waited to see if she would say something, but she set it face down on the counter and went back to her work. Once he rinsed off the pizza cutter and set it in the dishwasher, he decided to see if he could get anything out of her. “Everything okay over there?”

“It’s fine.” She smiled and there was no reason it should make his heart twist, but it did. “I just can’t believe we’ve gone this entire school year without a movie night with _all_ of us.”

It was obvious that she was hiding something, but he decided to let her for the time being. She was right. He had missed having everyone around. “It _has_ been a weird year.”

“We’ll make sure it doesn’t take so long before the next movie night, right?”

Bellamy couldn’t help but grin. “Your wish is my command, Princess.”

Clarke rolled her eyes and emptied the last bag of popcorn into the second bowl. “You sure you can get the pizza and our drinks?”

He raised his eyebrows at her, grabbed his beer and her coke by the neck in one hand, and slid his hand under the pizza tray. He thought about lifting the pizza up with a flourish, but didn’t trust himself enough. The crowd would riot if he dropped the pizza. Clarke raised an eyebrow at him while she attempted to hide a smile, almost as if she could read his mind.

“Show-off,” she muttered under her breath. She grabbed both bowls of popcorn and led the way into the living room where they were greeted by chaos.

“You can’t sit there,” Jasper said, exasperated. “You _know_ the rules.”

Wells was sitting in Bellamy’s usual spot on the couch. He shrugged and slid onto the floor right into Clarke’s spot. Gina giggled into her hand and bumped him with her foot.

“Are you _trying_ to disrupt the hierarchy around here?! You’ve been to movie nights before!” Jasper’s voice rose a little, but he tried not to yell. Miller and Octavia were not as successful as Gina at hiding their laughter. Wells rolled his eyes and scooted toward the chair Raven was sitting in.

“I was _trying_ to avoid this one kicking me through the whole movie.”

“I don’t kick! I get a little jumpy sometimes. It’s not my fault.”

Wells glared at Raven. “I don’t buy it.”

She rolled her eyes. “Whatever. I don’t get what the big deal is. You’re setting up a seating chart for movie night?”

“Well—” Jasper started, but Miller jumped in.

“Bellamy and Clarke always sit there.”

“Always do,” Monty added with a grin.

Raven sighed. “Bellamy and Clarke have assigned seats?”

“It’s very—” Jasper started again, but Harper interrupted him.

“Very important,” she said in a deep voice before bursting into laughter.

“It’s important to the hierarchy of the group,” Octavia added.

“It disrupts the energy flow of the popcorn or something if they don’t sit there,” Wells said, mildly amused. “I should have known better than to test boundaries.”

Clarke elbowed Bellamy. “That’s my cue.” She cleared her throat and walked to her spot, holding up the bowl in her right hand. “No butter, light salt.” She set it down near Octavia, Harper, and Gina who jumped to get to it first. “Extra butter, normal spot.” That bowl went near her spot.

Bellamy set the pizza down between the bowls on the coffee table. Harper jumped up to grab paper towels with a glare at Bellamy as he and Clarke settled into their spots. Everyone else slammed down into their seats so fast that there were a few muffled ouches under the laughter.

“It’s in the rules,” Jasper announced smugly as she yanked the movie out of his hand. “Last one up puts it in.”

Clarke leaned back and whispered, “Worst sex game ever.” Bellamy and Gina snorted.

“Does Jasper have a copy of the rule book?” Raven whispered loudly to Wells. “I’m feeling a need to study so I don’t fuck up.”

Harper frowned and turned to Bellamy and Clarke. They spoke in unison. “He’s right, Harper.”

“Sorry,” Clarke added.

A calmness settled over Bellamy as Harper started up the movie. It really had been too long since everyone was together. He felt better than he had in months until Clarke finished her slice of pizza, grabbed the bowl of popcorn and then froze. She sat there for a moment, shoulders stiff, before she scooted to the left and leaned against the arm of the couch.

It wasn’t like he never realized that his relationship with Clarke had changed. Their relationship had been changing for the entire year, but not quite in the way he had hoped or expected. She met Lexa, he met Gina, and now she was single again. Their friendship had almost gone back to normal, but something still felt off.

Six months ago, she most likely would have sat back against the couch in between his legs. He would have leaned over to grab popcorn out of the bowl and she would have yelled at him to stop squishing her. No one would have thought it was strange when she inevitably rested her head against his knee. They did both burst into laughter when the male lead showed up drunk on the female lead’s doorstep and she grinned at him when he bumped her shoulder with his knee. They still had inside jokes, at least.

But things were different and it made Bellamy incredibly uncomfortable.

In between movies, he jumped at the opportunity to help Monty and Jasper refill popcorn and drinks. He might have been a little too enthusiastic about it, but it kind of felt like he was overheating and he needed to clear his head. The wonder twins talked about Jasper’s not-so-new anymore girlfriend and Bellamy only half-listened, distracted by the mixture of guilt and discomfort settling in his stomach.

The three of them were gathering things up when Bellamy heard a buzz. Clarke’s phone was still face down on the counter. Before he could stop himself, he picked it up. The phone buzzed again in his hand and the screen temporarily flashed to life to show she had missed three texts from her mom.

Monty peeked over his arm at the screen. “You should do her a favor and delete those before you give her the phone back or she’ll be bitchy for the rest of the night.”

“Huh?” What did I miss?” Bellamy wasn’t Abby’s biggest fan, but she had tried to help out with his mom in the hospital. He thought that Clarke and Abby had settled whatever had been going on between them.

Jasper winced and Monty shot him an apologetic half-smile. “I didn’t realize that you didn’t know. They haven’t been speaking for a few weeks. Ever since Abby found out that Clarke is taking the MCATs, it’s—”

“Whoa.” Bellamy held up a hand and Monty stopped. “Whoa, whoa, whoa. When is she taking the _MCATs_?”

Monty frowned and adjusted the items he was carrying. Jasper nudged Monty with his elbow and they started toward the living room.

“Dude, how long has it been since you guys have had an actual _conversation_?” Jasper asked.

Bellamy glared at their backs as they left the room, but he wasn’t mad at _them_. The more he thought about it, he _was_ mad at Clarke. “Princess!” His shout was louder than he expected. “I need to talk to you!”

The other room went completely silent and Clarke bounded in, smiling. “What’s up?”

He held up her phone. “Why should I be deleting texts from your mom?”

Clarke glanced back at the other room, confused for a moment. When she turned to face him again, she crossed her arms and frowned at him. “Why is it your business if I’m avoiding her?”

“You’ve lost a parent. You know what it feels like. And now you’re shunning the only one you’ve got left because she found out you took the MCATs?”

She somehow managed to scoff and wince at the same time. “You have _no_ idea what it’s like with her Bellamy.”

“No. I get that she loves you and she can occasionally try to be a little controlling when she’s trying to show it, but she just wants what’s best for you.”

“Yeah. She loves me….” She trailed off and ran her hands over her face. “God, you just don’t get it! Aurora was _good_. She tried to provide for you and supported your dreams. My mom… she’s not like that. She only thinks about what makes her look good, not what’s good for anyone else. And that’s a daughter in medical school. And she let me blame Wells—”

Clarke cut herself off with a sharp intake of breath. Bellamy just started at her, unable to process anything she was saying. “She _loves_ you and she’s _here_. What the fuck is wrong with you, Clarke?”

Tears threatened to spill over when she yanked her phone out of his hands and left the room. Bellamy was about to follow, but Wells pushed him back into the kitchen. He could see the girls follow Clarke out of the apartment down the hall.

“Let me go, Wells. She’s being—”

“Don’t you think I know?” His voice was barely above a whisper. They glared at each other in silence for a moment until Bellamy stopped pushing. Wells dropped his hands. “I know better than anyone. Clarke Griffin holds a grudge like nobody’s business. After things with your mom, she tried to forgive her mom for the blame situation, but when Abby found out about the MCATs, things got out of hand. It’s just—”

“But—”

“Dude, I _get_ it.” Wells leaned back against the counter, watching Bellamy carefully. “I lost my mom, too, remember? But… Clarke needs to hold onto this grudge a little while longer. She’ll move on. I know she will.”

“But _why_? I don’t understand what her mom would have blamed you for.”

Wells sighed. “It’s not my story to tell. Can’t we just—”

Bellamy didn’t find out what Wells was going to ask, because his sister burst into the room. “I hope you’re happy, Bell.”

Harper, Raven, and Gina all piled in behind her, varying levels of disappointment on their faces.

“She’s out there—” Harper stopped short when Raven put a hand on her shoulder and took over.

“She’s going home. And you….” Raven trailed off and glanced at Octavia.

Gina stepped up instead. “You really overstepped this time.”

Octavia scoffed and muttered something about an understatement as she stormed out of the room.

Unfortunately, the argument had completely derailed movie night. Octavia left without staying goodbye. Monty, Jasper, and Wells weren’t far behind her. Wells practically rushed out to avoid another conversation with Bellamy. Raven stayed behind to talk to Harper and Miller about law school and the police academy. Gina was hovering on the edge of the conversation, watching him carefully. No one was making much of an effort to include him in the conversation, so he took his drink into his room.

When Raven came in to say goodbye, he was leaning back on his pillows, trying and failing to read the book Clarke lent him about seventeenth century art around the word. She didn’t say anything until she sat next to him on the bed.

“You doing okay?” she asked after she settled in.

“Fantastic.” Bellamy set the book down. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

Raven narrowed her eyes. “I know this has been a rough year.”

Bellamy closed his eyes. “Yeah, but I’m handling everything.”

“Are you?” Raven elbowed him until he opened his eyes and looked at her. “Listen, you trust Clarke, right?”

“More than anyone.” He cleared his throat when she raised an eyebrow at him.

“More than anyone?”

His face felt hot, but he forced himself to keep eye contact. “She’s my best friend.”

Raven stared at him for another moment and finally rolled her eyes. “Then maybe hear her out.”

“How am I supposed to do that when she won’t even talk to me?”

Gina poked her head in through the door and winced when she saw Raven. “Sorry! I wanted to make sure I didn’t miss you before you left.”

“No worries!” Raven grinned and patted Bellamy on the arm before she stood. “I think you need to try again with less confrontation. I’m sure Clarke has her reasons for not talking to you about this. I mean, you know everyone assumes if she tells them something, you’ve known for weeks, right? She’ll come around.”

Bellamy frowned. He didn’t know what to say. Raven stopped to give Gina a hug and turned back before she left.

“You can’t avoid brunch tomorrow. I have a big announcement for everyone and your presence is required. So suck it up, Blake.”

When the door closed, Gina smiled softly at Bellamy. She cuddled into his side and he kissed the top of her head. “I was worried you were mad at me, too,” he mumbled into her hair.

She squeezed him around the waist. “Eh, I think you overreacted, but it came from a place of love.”

“I’m not wrong, though.”

He glanced down to see Gina roll her eyes. “You know Clarke isn’t wrong, either. You didn’t even give her a chance to explain.”

“Did you know this was happening?”

She sighed heavily. “Not everything. It wasn’t my place to say. She was worried about hurting you.”

Bellamy bit down a response. He didn’t want to argue. He’d give Clarke the chance to explain, but he needed them to get back to where they used to be. It felt like he didn’t know her better than everyone else anymore. There were a lot of feelings he was uncomfortable with, but that one was the worst.

* * *

The next morning, Harper, Miller, and Gina left for brunch while Bellamy was still in the shower. It was ridiculous. They still had an hour before they had to be at the restaurant and they left without giving him a chance to get ready. While he wasn’t eager to see Clarke again so soon after their fight, he had promised himself he wouldn’t start another argument. At least not until after Raven left.

When he was ready to go, he patted his pockets to confirm he had his keys and phone. A timid knock startled him just as he set his hand on the door. He was even more surprised when he opened the door to find Clarke holding two cups of coffee.

“What are you doing here?”

“Wow, déjà vu much?” She rolled her eyes and pushed one of the cups into his hands. “I come in peace. Take me to your leader.”

“You’re such a dork.”

She laughed sadly. “Seriously, Bellamy, I’m trying to apologize to you.”

That shocked him almost more than seeing her on his doorstep, but he thought he held it together pretty well. “Is this a couch apology or a doorway apology?”

“Doorway’s fine.” She shook her head with a small smile and then took a deep breath before she spoke. “Listen. I do owe you an apology. We haven’t exactly been connected as a group this year, so I shouldn’t have expected you to know what’s going on with my mom. The only time everyone was together was Christmas, and I guess that’s what matters, but….” She paused and studied him for a moment. He thought about saying something, but if he interrupted at the wrong time, it could cause things to escalate unnecessarily. She smirked at him, because she definitely could read his mind, but continued. “I didn’t want to talk to you about it, but I should have known that was stupid.”

Bellamy frowned. It had been a long time since they didn’t talk about everything. “Why didn’t you want to talk to me about it?”

Clarke looked down at her feet. “Your mom. I didn’t want….” When she met his eyes again, they were watery. “I didn’t want you to be sad. I thought if I brought up the problems with my mother….”

“Was I really so wrapped up in my own shit that you thought you couldn’t talk to me?”

She shrugged. “To be fair, you ignored me for most of last quarter.”

“To be fair, your girlfriend at the time refused to hang out with your friends, so you were never around.”

“Do we really need to bring her up now?”

Bellamy sighed and rolled his eyes, but she was right and he was being an ass, so he moved on. “Fine. I owe you an apology, too. I was kind of ignoring you, because an unnamed person didn’t like me. Also, I knew you would make me face my grief like a grownup. The only times I got to see you, I had to act like an adult and it was annoying.”

“I made you face your grief with macaroni and cheese. That’s hardly facing it like a grown up.”

“I don’t know. There was some level of nakedness involved. It sounds pretty grown up to me.”

Clarke pushed his elbow, but she smiled. “We sat on my couch, _fully clothed_ , ate two boxes of macaroni and cheese, and watched reruns of I Dream of Jeanie and I Love Lucy while contemplating whether or not your big, fat fingers could make a sewing machine work.”

He grinned, but it faltered almost immediately. “Clarke, something happened with your mom, and that sucks, but it’s not what hurt the most. You’re taking the MCATs and you didn’t even tell me you were thinking about it.”

“To be fair, I didn’t tell anyone on purpose. Monty and Jasper found out, because one of my study guides fell out of my bag while we were getting lunch. Wells found one of them under my couch.”

“Should we actually start going in a ‘to be fair’ circle again? When’s your test?”

Clarke blushed, but smiled again. “I actually already _took_ them. Everyone who ‘knows’ about it thinks I’m still just studying for them.”

Bellamy let his jaw drop. “Secret keeper! When do you hear back?”

“Um….” Clarke pulled an unopened envelope out of the back of her pocket. “I got this yesterday. I’m big enough to admit that it’s probably one of the reasons I snapped at you.”

“Well, fucking open it, Princess!”

Her face was almost entirely red. “I think _this_ might be a couch thing.”

He ushered her inside and to the couch and then stared at her. The envelope shook in her hands and she jumped up and sat back down a few times before she shoved the envelop in her purse. “This isn’t what I came here to talk about.”

“Well, it’s what I want to talk about right now, okay?” She chewed her lip and pulled the envelope back out. Bellamy scooted closer to her so he could set a hand on her knee. “Clarke. No matter what is in that envelope, it’s going to be okay.”

She scrunched up her nose at him and _finally_ ripped open the end. The paper shook so hard he thought she might accidentally tear it in half as she pulled it out and slowly opened it. As she read her scores, her eyes got wider and wider until Bellamy was a little worried they would fall out of her head. He couldn’t take the suspense when her hands dropped to her lap, so he propped his chin on her shoulder to read the scores.

 

 **Physical Sciences: 14/15**  
**Verbal Reasoning: 15/15**  
**Biological Sciences: 13/15**

**Total Score: 42/45**

**Percentile: 99**

 

Bellamy’s jaw would have dropped if it weren’t for Clarke’s shoulder. Of course she was in the ninety-ninth percentile. She was smart as hell. He dropped down to the floor to kneel in front of her. She looked utterly overwhelmed.

“Clarke,” he whispered and she finally looked at him. “You did fucking amazing.”

“What am I supposed to do with this?”

“Whatever the hell you want! You’re Clarke fucking Griffin! You’re in the ninety-ninth fucking percentile. You’re amazing!”

The panic in her eyes started to subside. A little. It was just enough to allow a small smile to escape. “I got a forty-two out of forty-five, Bellamy.”

“You got a forty-two out of forty-five, Princess.”

She stared at him for a minute before she flung her arms around his shoulders. He caught her easily and barely reminded himself _not_ to bury his face in her hair in time. But she kept hugging him, squeezing him tighter than he was used to. He had to break the hug after a few moments, because he would have caved and there’s no way he could get away with the ‘your shampoo smells good’ excuse.

Raven and O had dropped her off, so she needed a ride to the restaurant. As they walked down the stairs, the grin on Clarke’s face got wider and wider.

“What am I supposed to do with this?”

“I repeat. Whatever the hell you want. Go to med school. Get your master’s in painting.” He gave her a quick one-armed hug before he unlocked the car door for her. “You can literally do anything.”

“Except talk to my mom.”

He hesitated. “If you don’t want to talk about it….”

“I know I dropped a big bomb on you yesterday. I thought I was over the whole thing, but I don’t know if I’ll ever fully be able to forgive her for letting me blame Wells for my dad’s death for almost three years. It’s just hard to talk about. I know it’s not….”

She trailed off and he shrugged. “You’re going to have to make peace with her eventually.”

He could see her jaw set and the conscious effort it took for her to relax. “I know you’re right. I kind of hate you for it.”

“Whatever, Princess. You wanted to share your test results with me before anyone else. I know you love me.”

She rolled her eyes. “Get in the car, Bellamy. We’re really late.”

He stuck his tongue out at her, but was grinning by the time he buckled in.

* * *

Octavia grinned from the booth as Clarke and Bellamy approached. Jasper yelled, “They made up!” and everyone around the table cheered. Except Miller. He just shook his head with a small smile. Clarke felt her cheeks heating up. It had been a while since she and Bellamy had been in an argument, but she didn’t know why everyone was making such a big deal of it.

Raven scooted in closer to Gina to make room on the end. “Now that everyone’s here, can we all just focus on me for a second?” She grinned. “I have a _very_ important announcement.

Bellamy nudged Clarke with his elbow and shrugged at her. She shook her head. Raven hadn’t said anything to her, but she _had_ been bubbling over with excitement her entire visit. There was a good thirty seconds of silence before Bellamy reached around Clarke to pull on Raven’s ponytail. “Come on, drama queen. Just tell us already.”

“Rude.” She glared at Bellamy, but cleared her throat dramatically. “As you all know, I’m graduating in two weeks. And….”

She trailed off again, looking at everyone expectantly. Octavia finally threw her napkin at Raven. “Come on! Just tell us!”

“I got a job here with a pretty decent signing bonus and I can basically move the day after graduation. Does anyone need a roommate?!”

Jasper cheered, but it was barely heard over Octavia’s shriek of excitement. Clarke pulled Raven in for a tight hug. “You know we’ll find a three bedroom. You’re living with me and O.”

“I know,” she mumbled into Clarke’s shoulder. “I just wanted to hear you say it.”

Breakfast was loud and crazy, but the best time Clarke had all year. O forced everyone to switch seats so she and Clarke could talk to Raven about where they might live. Raven spilled as many details as she could about her new job (entry level Materials, Processes, and Physics Engineer; she officially started in July, but they’d give her a week off for the beach trip in August, PLUS they were helping her pay for her Master’s degree).  Clarke thought about telling everyone about her MCAT scores, but didn’t want to steal Raven’s thunder. They’d be just as happy for her in a couple weeks.

Everything ended too quickly, but it was okay, because in a few weeks, Raven would be crashing on their couch while they looked for a new place to rent. Clarke and Bellamy promised to stop keeping secrets from each other. It felt like everything was actually getting back on track. They fell back into old rhythms quickly and it felt really good until she saw Gina staring at them with a sad smile.

She tried to catch Gina alone before everyone separated, but Raven and O were impatient to get back to the apartment so the real planning could begin. Clarke made a mental note to make a coffee date with Gina the next week, then let herself be swept up in the excitement again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: this is one of the first chapters I wrote for this story. I wrote the original two years ago, so it needed a lot of editing with the decision to add Gina to the story. I was a little sad when I got to the edits for this one, because I had some GREAT Raven/Bellamy dialogue in the middle, but I had to cut most of it, because he has a girlfriend right now. I barely love Gina more than I loved that dialogue... but I think she was amazing and I wanted her to be in this story.


	53. Chapter 53

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was hard! I'm pretty sick right now, so I didn't do much editing. I'm sorry if it's kind of rough! Anyway, feel free to start poking me if I don't have the next chapter out by Thursday. <3 I have no excuses next week.

True to her word, Raven had all of her things packed up and moved into Clarke and O’s living room the day after her graduation. They were still searching for the perfect place to live, but Clarke had already started to pack up non-essentials. One day, while Clarke was working a shift at the clinic, Raven and O claimed that they found said perfect place.

Bellamy was in the middle of grading essays when he got Clarke’s text.

 **Princess**  
11:32am  
_Four bedroom house_  
_2.5 bathrooms_  
_Apparently the kitchen is pretty decent, too._  
_Open floorplan looking into the living room_  
_And there’s enough room for a dining table_  
_So if we get it, we’ll definitely have to take over hosting movie nights and stuff._

 **Bellamy**  
11:35am  
_That definitely sounds too good to be true._  
_Did they at least get the rent info?_

 **Princess**  
11:37am  
_Yeah, it’s a little pricey, but it’s not bad._  
_O says she’ll take the smallest room._  
_I’ll take the biggest one with the bathroom attached._  
_We’ll split rent by square feet._

 **Bellamy**  
11:40am  
_When do you get to check it out?_

 **Princess**  
11:41am  
_I’m going to head over after work._  
_You want to come?_  
_You can hang out with me and judge everything._  
_Two of your favorite past-times._

 **Bellamy**  
11:42am  
_You know me so well._  
_I’ll meet you there._  
_I can’t believe you’re moving for the second time in a year._  
_That’s really going to suck for you guys._

 **Princess**  
11:44am  
_Yeah it will._  
_If only we had a strong, loving group of friends who care deeply for us._  
_It would really help expedite things._

 **Bellamy**  
11:47am  
_That would help a lot._  
_Too bad you’re all so unlikable._

 **Princess**  
11:49am  
_That is unfortunate. My break is over._  
_4:30 sound good?_  
_I’ll text you the address?_

 **Bellamy**  
11:52am  
_Sounds great._  
_See you then._

It was hard for Bellamy to _not_ judge the rental process. Renting a house was too different from renting an apartment. The landlord would have _keys_ to their house and what if the entire thing was a trap? Octavia couldn’t believe that he didn’t think that they could defend themselves against a middle-aged woman (“Appearances can be deceiving, O!”).

Once he found out that they lived across the country and only came into town a couple times a year, his concern turned toward any issues they might have. With a landlord across the country, they wouldn’t receive proper attention. Raven was a little offended that he didn’t trust her to fix any problem that popped up with the house.

In the end, the three of them (and a secret background check he may have paid for himself) shut him up and they applied to rent the place. There were multiple applicants. It turned out that the landlord had a soft spot for helping out college kids and her properties were really hard to get into, but the girls won out in the end.

It meant he got to try to help Clarke make sure everything was packed to her specifications. She had different colors of stickers for everyone and a separate set of shapes for public spaces. Raven set up the moving truck rental while Octavia recruited Lincoln and his truck again. Soon, they had a move-in date and a moving party set up with the promise to provide pizza and beer to anyone who helped.

Bellamy decided he had to let Clarke be smug about the whole situation. If she didn’t get it out of her system, she might never let him live his initial hesitation down.

 **Raven**  
9:27pm  
_So Octavia and I have an idea._

 **Bellamy**  
9:38pm  
_Okay?_

 **Raven**  
9:39pm  
_We want to make the 4th bedroom an art studio for Clarke._  
_You guys can suffer on the couch._  
_Think you can help?_  
_It’s a surprise._  
_In case you were wondering…_  
_The definition of surprise is “an unexpected or astonishing event, fact, or thing”_  
_I have doubts about bringing you into this._  
_Prove me wrong._

 **Bellamy**  
9:41pm  
_I deserve a little more credit than that._  
_I don’t tell Clarke everything._  
_And this is not what I was expecting._  
_Why would I spoil it?_

 **Raven**  
9:44pm  
_You know you’d spoil it if I didn’t double down on the surprise aspect._  
_What were you expecting?_

 **Bellamy**  
9:46pm  
_Ignoring that._  
_Honestly, I was expecting this to be about that drinking game O’s trying to set up for moving day._

 **Raven**  
9:47pm  
_I’m intrigued._  
_Explain this._

 **Bellamy**  
9:50pm  
_We’re not getting drunk until the last box is unloaded._  
_I’m seriously putting my foot down._  
_Clarke already knows and has vetoed the entire thing._

 **Raven**  
9:52pm  
_Why do you two ruin everything I love?_

 **Bellamy**  
9:53pm  
_Seriously?_  
_Can we go back to the art studio thing?_  
_What can I do to help?_

* * *

“This is really dangerous,” Clarke muttered as she stumbled on a step.

It had been an easy decision to humor him, but she regretted letting Bellamy lead her through the partially unpacked house with her eyes covered.

“Maybe you should stop walking around your house with your eyes closed.”

She tried to throw an elbow back in protest, but he dodged it with a quiet laugh.

“Trust me. You’re going to love it, I promise.”

Clarke scoffed, but she knew he was right. She _did_ trust him. “I don’t see how I’m supposed to love it with my eyes closed.”

Bellamy laughed again. “We’re almost there. Okay, open the door.”

There may have been some mild panic that needed suppressing, because even though she trusted him, she had been burned by this group and their pranks before. The pranks _were_ mostly Jasper, but Bellamy could be sneaky if he was in the right mood.

“Question.” He stopped them and whispered in her ear.

It only sent chills down her spine, because he was so close. They would have happened if it were anyone. Her voice still wasn’t as steady as she’d hoped. “Yeah?”

“Do you really think I’d play a joke on you when you have a whole box of knives in the kitchen?”

Clarke laughed. “I guess when you put it that way….”

She could almost feel him grin. Energy buzzed off him in a way she was mostly accustomed to with Octavia. “You ready?”

“God damn it, Bellamy, if you don’t move your fucking hands, I’ll—”

He lifted his hands away before she could finish. She tried and failed to find words multiple times. When nothing would come, she reached back for him and he grabbed her hand.

Beautiful wouldn’t be the right word to anyone except for Clarke (she thought Lincoln might understand, but still). Plastic sheeting covered the floors and went halfway up the walls. A desk was set up in one corner, an easel in another, and there were a few boxes in the middle of the floor that she distinctly remembered boxing up the previous year at her mom’s. Raven and O stood in the middle of the room holding a paper sign that said “Clarke’s Studio” and huge smiles on her face.

Once she took it all in and regained a bit of herself, she turned and pulled Bellamy into a hug, burying her face in his chest. He laughed quietly and smoothed her hair.

“I see how it is,” Raven said. “We come up with the idea and he gets all the credit.” She had tried and failed to keep the affection out of her voice.

Clarke looked up at Bellamy who shook his head with an eyeroll and a smile. She wiped her eyes and turned to her roommates (her _roommates_ , which was going to be _awesome)_. “Is this why you wouldn’t let me look for a guest bed?”

She crossed the room to hug both of them. Octavia was excited to share the sign she made for the door. ‘The Artist is In/Out’ was printed on a chalkboard so Clarke could let people know she was working on a project. They chatted excitedly, but mostly to each other. Clarke was too busy absorbing how lucky she was.           

“I told Bell he wasn’t supposed to turn this into a murder room! Apparently, he and my boyfriend have other plans, though.”

Octavia’s shout pulled her back to reality and she laughed with Raven. “This isn’t a murder room, O. I’m really messy. The plastic was a good idea.”

“You’ve lived with her for _three_ years. You know what a disaster she is around this stuff.”

“If you don’t want your deposit back, we can take it down,” Lincoln offered from the door.

Octavia pouted, mumbling under her breath about helping Clarke bury a body if she _had_ to.

Clarke grinned and jogged over to give him a quick hug. Bellamy was nowhere to be seen. “Thanks for your help with this.”

He smiled back. “Maybe the rest of the house won’t smell like paint, now.”

“If only.” She laughed. “Where did Bellamy go?”

“Oh, Gina had to go. She wanted me to say goodbye for her.” Lincoln frowned and glanced toward the front door. “He walked her out.”

“I’m sure they’re just making out or something,” Raven said, her ponytail swinging as she bounded out of the room and toward the kitchen.

Octavia rolled her eyes and yelled, chasing after her. “We’re going to have to have a discussion about this kind of talk if you’re going to live here!”

Lincoln smiled fondly. “I’ll go make sure everyone finished unpacking before they open the alcohol.”

“I think it’s too late for that.” But she waved him off and started to unpack her art supplies, waiting for Bellamy to come back.

It didn’t take long for her to get impatient, but she wasn’t about to go out and interrupt things in case Raven was right. Bellamy deserved to be happy. She knew she and Gina were friends, but there were definitely lines and she didn’t want a repeat of what happened with Lexa.

Still, she could hear the others as they started to gather in the kitchen. Everyone had been pretty responsible in spite of the attempt to instigate a drinking game in the morning. Lincoln was obviously not going to be successful in holding the activity off any longer and she didn’t think they needed to.

When she got her second box unpacked, she noticed the stack of blank pre-stretched canvases against the wall. There was a sticky note on the back of one of them.

_Clarke,_

_These are for you on the condition you paint me one thing for my apartment. Our design sense is atrocious, or so Harper claims. You should paint it for my room, just to spite her._

_Always,_  
_Bellamy_

She folded the note and put it in her pocket before sticking the canvases in the closet. She half expected to find Bellamy leaning against the doorframe with a smirk, but he still wasn’t back. It had been twenty minutes. That meant it was acceptable to at least peek out the front door.

At first, she couldn’t see anything in the dark, but as her eyes adjusted, she started to make out Bellamy’s outline on the top step. Gina’s car was gone and he was sitting there alone, his face in his hands. Clarke closed the door behind her quietly, but hesitated. The fact that he was alone made her nervous and she didn’t know how to approach the situation.

“I know you’re there, Clarke.” His voice, muffled by his hands, was rough. “Stop hovering.”

Clarke huffed, but complied. She sat down a couple feet away from him, tempted to ask the question straight out. But instead, she said, “You’ve been out here a while.”

There was a beat of silence. “Gina broke up with me.”

“Oh.” Clarke was quiet and waited for him to say more. He didn’t. “I can leave you alone, if you want.”

“Please don’t.”

“Okay.” She scooted a little closer and threw an arm around him. He folded over and set his forehead on her knees. Clarke rubbed one hand on his back rested the other against his hair. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“There’s not much to talk about.”

“How could there not be much to talk about?”

Clarke took her hands back as Bellamy sat up to look at her. “All she said was that we would be better off as friends and then she left.”

“That’s….” It didn’t make much sense to Clarke. She thought that Gina and Bellamy got along well. _They_ made sense. Gina breaking up with Bellamy didn’t. There had to be more behind it.

She looked at Bellamy, who was watching her expectantly and she realized she had trailed off without saying anything.

“I’m sorry, Bellamy. I don’t know what to say. I didn’t even see it coming.”

“Neither did I.”

“Do you need to cry?”

Bellamy shook his head.

“Do you think you’ll be able to be friends?”

Bellamy shrugged. “It’s a little early to know for sure.”

“Can I do anything?”

“You’re already doing it.”

Clarke sighed and leaned her head on his shoulder as he threw his arm around her. “You know where to find me if you need anything.”

“I mean, if you find out what she’s not telling me, that would be above and beyond the call of duty.”

“Noted.”

They sat together for a long time before they got up and joined the others. Bellamy didn’t say anything to them and Clarke wasn’t about to push him. He deserved to hide from it for a few days, at least.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not my favorite chapter, but it was coming! I was originally writing the chapter totally from Bellamy's POV, but it wasn't working. I switched it to Clarke and that helped a ton. Gina really didn't tell him why she broke up with him yet, which is why the Bellamy POV wasn't working. But she's not totally gone, so that information is coming!
> 
> Come hang out with me on [Tumblr](http://ilovethisship.tumblr.com/)! I do post updates on there when I'm delayed, so it's at least helpful for the status updates. :)


	54. Chapter 54

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here, have a filler chapter! Just kidding... kind of. It is sort of filler, but we're getting closer to the end and starting to head towards wrapping up all these loose ends. I'm pretty excited! I had writer's block so bad over this chapter. I did very minor edits/proofreading before posting, because I just wanted to be done lol. Tell me if you see anything super weird. 
> 
> Hopefully the next one will be easier, because it's super cute. More mutual pining with a side of adorableness, if the song that's inspiring it is any indication.
> 
> Anyway, hope you like this! Sorry for the long wait!

The breakup sucked and he still didn't know the whole reason why, but there was one light that shone in the darkness. Bellamy's friendship with Clarke was one hundred percent back to normal.

Any time they didn't have to work, they were together. She went to his apartment sometimes, but they spent most of their time at her house. There was a lot more room and she was pretty obsessed with getting her studio set up perfectly the first couple weeks after she moved in.

His favorite part about hanging out with Clarke was how easy it was to talk. Or not talk, if that's what he wanted. A few of his other friends still hung out with Gina and while he knew Clarke was interested in reaching out eventually, she was his. It wasn't that his other friends _weren't_ , but he had a feeling that at least Raven and Harper knew more than they were saying about the whole situation. Clarke, at least, spent her free time consoling or distracting him and he knew she was on his side.

After they got her studio set up, they spent a lot of time sitting at her kitchen table and working on the logistics of the beach trip. It was a four-person table and there were chairs on all sides, but she always ended up moving her chair right next to him. It seemed normal the first few times, because they had always been in each other’s space. But, about a month after his breakup, it started to feel a little different.

Before she started to date Lexa, Bellamy had spent an abnormal amount of time convincing himself he wasn't into Clarke, because she would never be into him. He _thought_ he had gotten over the whole thing, but he knew he spent too much time watching her chew on her pencil while they planned out the sleeping arrangements for that to be true, apparently. It was distracting and he didn’t really want her out of his space, but he did want her to go back to her side of the table.

"Bellamy?"

"What?" He grabbed the pencil out of her hands and pulled the notebook toward him when he realized she caught him staring. It was going to be impossible for him to concentrate if she kept chewing on the damn thing. "What did you say?"

Clarke smirked, almost like she knew. "You've been distracted a lot lately."

"Just ask the question again. I'll try not to fall asleep this time."

She rolled her eyes. "I _asked_ if you made sure Gina knew she was still invited."

It was obvious _why_ she was asking. Even if they hadn’t vocalized it to him, everyone still wanted Gina to go on the beach trip. Bellamy stared at her, willing her to change the subject. Clarke raised an eyebrow at him and he sighed. He could recognize defeat from a mile away. Or 12 inches away, in Clarke’s case.

"We talked about this yesterday. You _said_ you think it's a good idea."

"Yeah, I know. It doesn't mean I have to be the one to invite her."

"Yes. It does." She grabbed his phone off the table and shoved it into his hands. "Text her now. I need to know if we can downsize the rental or not."

"Can't you text her?"

"No. Do it now, please."

Bellamy glared at her, but he knew she was right. "Fine.

 **Bellamy**  
3:27pm  
_Do you still want to come to the beach?_

As soon as he was done, he waved his phone. " _Why_ do I have to be the one to invite her again?"

"Because she won't want to come if she doesn't know you're okay with it."

He sighed again. He _was_ okay with it, but it was still going to be weird.

"Stop sighing so much. I told you that no one is going to be mad at you if it's going to be too hard to be around her. It really will be okay either way."

"No, I know. And I want to be friends with her. It's fine."

Still, he pulled up his messages again.

 **Bellamy**  
3:35pm  
_Everyone wants you to come._  
_Me included._  
_We said we'd try to do the friends thing, right?_  
_If it's too much, no pressure._

 **Gina**  
3:40pm  
_Is this a pity invite?_

 **Bellamy**  
3:44pm  
_We don’t pity invite._  
_If we adopt you, it’s for life._  
_Suck it up and come to the beach._

 **Gina**  
3:50pm  
_Okay fine. I think that would be fun._  
_I still have the time off work._  
_There won't be any weirdness between us, right?_

 **Bellamy**  
3:53pm  
_I can promise minimal weirdness on my part._  
_I think._  
_I’m 97% sure._

 **Gina**  
3:55pm  
_Haha that sounds fine._  
_It’ll be good to see everyone again._

 **Bellamy**  
3:56pm  
_Awesome._  
_Clarke will email you the details._

“She’s coming.”

Clarke smiled. “Okay, good. Tell her I’ll add her to the email list.”

“Already did.”

They grinned at each other. Clarke was about to say something else when a rapid, sharp knock at the front door startled both of them. She frowned and stood. “No one important knocks.”

Bellamy checked his phone again. He hadn’t missed any texts. “No one said anything to you about swinging by?”

She shook her head.

“Do you want me to come with you?”

The knock came again, more insistent than before.

“I’m a big girl.” Her words were a little sharp, but she smiled. “I’ll scream really loud if I can’t save myself.”

The front door was _almost_ visible through the dining area and living room. He kept an eye on her as she walked to the entryway. When she jumped back from the door and glanced over at him, he ready to rush over there, but she shook her head again, so he sat back down. After a deep breath, she finally opened the door.

If he thought about it, the person who came barging into the house wasn’t the last person he expected to see, but it was pretty damn close.

Abby blew past Clarke into the living room and turned around, barely taking in any of her surroundings. Clarke shut the door and took her time following her into the living room. They stared at one another for a moment. The tension was palpable, even from a distance.

Abby broke the silence, crossing her arms. “You moved.”

Clarke mirrored her mother. “How did you find out?”

“Bellamy came to pick up the boxes from your studio. That was my first hint.”

He fought the urge to duck under the table, but neither of them glanced his way. Instead, Clarke clenched her hands into fists at her sides.

“I _assumed_ you were in the loop when I saw them here, but I don’t know how you got this address. Did you hire someone to follow me or something?”

Abby took a step back. “I’m one of the owners at the clinic, Clarke. You had to update your paperwork.”

"That's insane. That's an invasion of privacy. _Another_ invasion of privacy."

Abby's mouth tightened into a line. It was clear she knew that it was a bit out of bounds. Her shoulders slumped, but she didn't look away from Clarke.

"What are you doing here?"

“You’ve been ignoring my calls and I didn’t know what else to do.” She didn’t wilt under Clarke’s stare. If anything, her daughter’s silence appeared to give her a little more confidence. “The score you got on your MCATs was impressive. If you—”

Clarke scoffed. “I still can’t believe Marcus told you. Both he and my advisor could get fired for that. I never gave any consent to disclose that information.”

“Would you really go that far? He assumed I knew. You’re my _daughter_.”

“I can’t believe you’d ask me that.”

Abby nodded, relieved and sad.

"But that should also mean that you know I don't necessarily intend to apply to medical school."

Abby nodded again.

"Which means, that's why you're here."

"If you are considering medical school, I want to help. We could talk about your options; figure out which school lines up with your goals. I have connections. I could—"

Bellamy stood up, letting the chair drag behind him and pull attention is his direction. He had waited as long as he could handle it, really, but with every word Abby said, Clarke pulled further into herself. “If we don’t leave soon, we’re going to be late for dinner.”

It startled both women, but Clarke recovered faster. She rushed into the kitchen to grab her purse before Abby could recover as well. “Thanks for stopping by, mom, but we do have a reservation to make. You can let yourself out.”

Bellamy barely had a chance to tell Abby it was nice to see her before Clarke dragged him out the back door. They hopped into his car and he backed out onto the road.

“Thanks for that. Do you actually want to go grab food?”

He glanced over at her before he turned the corner. Her mouth was a tight line and her eyes were closed as she rested her head against the headrest. Questions died before he could form them. The relationship with her mother was still something he didn’t quite know how to ask about.

The quiet stretched on and she didn’t react to his lack of an answer. It would have looked like she had fallen asleep, but she was picking at her nails in a much too active fashion. He drove around the neighborhood a couple of times before he could tell that Abby had left.

“Go ahead and ask, Bellamy.”

Her voice made him jump, but he pulled into her driveway and put the car in park so he could turn to face her. “Are you still mad at your mom about Wells?”

Clarke sighed, her eyes still closed. “No.”

“Then, what is going on? I mean, Abby clearly has some boundary issues, but she loves you.”

“I know.”

“Do you blame her for your dad?”

Clarke shook her head and finally turned to him. “I stopped blaming her for all of that a while ago. I mean, she has boundary issues, right? She put sensors on the windows and a GPS tracker on my car, but it was almost five years ago. I’ve gone through all the stages. I blamed Wells. I blamed the driver of the other car. I blamed myself for sneaking out to go to that party. If I had stayed home that night….”

Her voice broke as she trailed off and she turned away from him again. Bellamy hesitantly reached out to grab her hand. She squeezed it as she took a few deep breaths before turning back to him.

“I’ve got all those med school applications and I should want to talk to her about them, right?” Her voice was rough with the tears she tried not to shed. “But I didn’t even have a chance to tell her on my own time. I want to be my own person. I don’t want to be giving in to what she thinks is right for me. Every step I take toward medical school, I feel like I’m losing grip on my dad. I’m giving up on the thing that ties me to him, aren’t I?”

“Clarke.” Bellamy choked a little on her name. The pleading in her eyes broke his heart. How could he tell her that she was wrong about everything? He cleared his throat before he tried again. “Do you want to be a doctor?”

“Absolutely.” There was no hesitation in her response and he smiled. “Don’t smile at me, Bellamy. I really didn’t want to want this.”

“I know, but....” He covered their linked hands with his free hand and squeezed. “Being a doctor isn’t going to make you any less of an artist. You’re never going to stop drawing or painting. It’s in your blood. You couldn’t if you tried.”

“I know that, it’s just…. It’s hard, Bellamy. I miss him every day.”

Before the first tear finally fell, he tugged her into a hug. It was awkward over the center console and he could feel her nails through his shirt as she clung to his back.  He heard her mumble something about how uncomfortable his car was through her tears before she climbed into his lap. Her hip honked the horn and she laughed wetly into his neck while he tried to help her into a more comfortable spot.

“I don’t know what I was thinking,” she finally said as she stretched her legs back over the console.

Bellamy chuckled quietly and ran his fingers through the ends of her hair, but he didn’t respond. It didn’t matter how uncomfortable he was. He’d sit there with her forever if he could.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I talk about weird stuff and reblog mostly cool Bellarke stuff on my [Tumblr](http://ilovethisship.tumblr.com/), if you want to come hang out!
> 
> Also, quick note about stuff above... Marcus and Abby are probably dating here. I'm thinking he's an academic advisor in this world... well, more like a higher-up in the university administration, but he oversees the advisor's offices. I don't know enough about the structure there. I tried to look it up to give a more solid answer, but this is a Bellarke fic and he's only mentioned a couple times and I don't think he appears "on-screen". That may change as I write the later chapters, but not significantly.


	55. Chapter 55

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I knew I wanted the group to do an annual beach trip on their summer breaks as soon as I finished the first beach chapter. I was having a hard time getting inspiration for it, though. Anyway, long story short, I heard a song that gave me some fuel. "Sand In Your Shoes" by This Providence is honestly so cute and inspired at least the base of this chapter. It feels like a total Bellamy-side Bellarke song.

Bellamy’s cup was empty and he rolled it between his hands. He considered getting more, but knew he should switch to water. It was better for him to drink enough to stay relaxed, but not to a point he was _too_ relaxed. As long as he was mostly sober, he could stay content with the distance. He could watch as Clarke danced with their friends by the fire and the golds and reds of the sunset played in her hair. He could enjoy the sensation of his heart swelling in his chest with absolutely no desire to act on his feelings.

Their dancing and shouting was so distracting that it took him a moment to realize that someone was in the chair next to him. Gina smiled at him and nodded at his cup. “Do you need another drink?”

He smiled back. “I think I’m at my limit for the night.”

Gina turned to face their friends again, the corners of her mouth still turned up slightly. “Thanks for telling me to come. I’m really glad I came.”

“Me, too.” And he really was. The whole situation was much less awkward than he had anticipated. There was hardly any awkwardness at all, actually. It had been more like reconnecting with an old friend than anything else.

They sat in companionable silence for a bit, only broken by laughter and music in the distance. It was great, until Gina blurted out, “I was never mad at you.”

It caught Bellamy off guard. At first, he didn’t realize what she meant, but he looked over to find her studying her own cup a little too intently. He suddenly wished he had taken her up on that refill. “Well, I was pretty mad at you.”

“You were not.”

And she was right. He hadn’t ever been angry at Gina. He had been confused, hurt, and he spent a lot of time blaming himself for imaginary sleights, instead. Clarke was eventually able to talk him down, even though she didn’t understand the sudden breakup either.

The thought of her made him search for her again. He found her in time to see her throw her hands up into the air and spin, copying a shrieking Octavia while Monty collapsed onto Miller’s shoulder, laughing way too hard. Bellamy chuckled when she kept spinning until she fell into Wells.

“This is what it was, you know?”

Bellamy turned to look at her so fast he swore his neck cracked. “What?”

Gina rolled her eyes, but laughed. “This. You. Clarke.” She gestured between him and the fire. “All of it. I want to tell you why I ended things and it’s making you uncomfortable. When you feel like that, you gravitate toward her to feel grounded again.”

He frowned and looked down at the sand. He hardly felt _grounded_ when he looked at Clarke, but that was beside the point. “You were jealous?”

“No.” The word came out too fast and she sighed. “I mean, yes. A little bit. It’s impossible to not be jealous of you two.”

“Why didn’t you say anything?”

Gina was quiet for a minute. Bellamy glanced at her out of the corner of his eye to find her watching Clarke with a look he could only describe as… fondness; not what he would have expected from someone who just admitted jealousy.

“I never meant to make you feel that way,” he said.

“Oh, I know. And it wasn’t you and it wasn’t her. Well, not on purpose, anyway.”

Bellamy stared down at his hands, trying to find the right words, but he didn't know what else to say. It had been over a month since she ended things without an explanation and he had spent a lot of time wondering. Any time he thought it might have been jealousy, he pushed the thought to the side, because she had always been so supportive of their friendship.

Gina shifted and set a hand on his arm. He refused to look up at her and she sighed. “Listen, Bellamy. All I’ve ever wanted is to find someone who looks at me the way you look at Clarke. Someone who listens to me the way you listen to her and trusts me the way you trust her.”

“Gina, it’s not…. Of course I trust her. She’s my best friend.”

“And some would argue that’s a solid foundation for a lasting relationship.”

Bellamy did look up, then. There was no malice on her face. She looked open and hopeful and sort of like she thought he was being stupid.  “Some would argue that’s too much to risk.”

Gina sighed again. “Really, I should have ended it as soon as I saw you two together the first time, but I wanted to hold onto you as long as I possibly could.”

Again, he was left speechless. Instead of looking at her, he looked back up at their friends. Well, at Clarke, who was trying to kick off her sandals while O and Raven pulled her back toward the dancing. There was a time he wouldn’t have thought her capable of letting go enough to dance barefoot in the sand. It made him smile, but he was pulled out of the moment when Gina laughed. he dropped his head to look at the sand underneath his feet.                             

“It wasn’t me ending the relationship out of jealousy. It was me stepping aside, because you’d be happier with someone else.” She paused and stood, turning to face him with her hands on her hips. “If you keep pretending nothing is there, none of your relationships will ever work out. Hers, too.”

“I’m not looking to jump back into a relationship any time soon, Gina. My last girlfriend had a hard time with the fact that my best friend is a girl.” He looked up and tried to soften his accusation with a smile. Gina rolled her eyes again and was obviously holding back a smile.

“That’s okay. Clarke’s last girlfriend had a problem with the fact that her best friend is a guy. Maybe you two can bond over it.”

“You’re not going to say anything to her, are you?”

Gina frowned at him.

“I don’t want her to get the wrong idea.”

“I won’t say anything.”

The unspoken ‘yet’ at the end of her sentence was tangible. As she walked back toward the group, he started to study the cup in his hands again. Exes that stayed friends were insane, but Gina was a different kind of person. Hell, she was trying to push him toward a new relationship. It was possible that if more people were like Gina, more exes would be friends.

Then again, he wasn’t sure he was prepared to be her friend if she was going to push the ‘Clarke’ thing. It wasn’t something he talked about to anyone, but he might have to convince her that he didn’t think about Clarke almost every waking minute. He thought she might buy it if he admitted that he had a crush on her when they first met and any residual feelings were just… appreciation for the growth of their relationship?

It even sounded like a lie in his head.

The sound of the ocean and the beat of the radio almost drowned out the approaching footsteps. Without looking up, Bellamy could tell it was Clarke. Her steps were always even. They were cautious and full of purpose. When she stopped in front of him, he kept his gaze on his feet. The best and worst thing about being friends with her was that she could always sense when he needed to talk, even if he wanted to drown in self-inflicted misery instead.

After a moment of silence, she dropped down onto the sand in front of him. “Oh, no.” She giggled and he had to look up. Somehow, she had misjudged the distance and it had been more of a fall than taking a seat. “No more spur of the moment decisions for me when alcohol is involved. I’m going to regret this.”

Bellamy smiled in spite of himself. “There’s another chair right there.” He gestured to the chair Gina had vacated. “You’re going to have sand everywhere.”

“Literally everywhere.” Clarke grinned and her smile was blinding. “But I missed you.”

He didn’t constantly have butterflies in his stomach around her or anything, but there were times she said something that made his heart start to beat out of control. Even with the overwhelming flood of middle-school-like emotions she instigated, one second in her presence made him feel more prepared to face whatever was bothering him.

“I thought you might come dance with us, earlier.”

“Oh, no way. Someone has to supervise. You know, make sure that none of you break an ankle falling down.”

“It’s hard to supervise from all the way over here.”

He stuck his tongue out at her. “I think we were in this exact spot last year when Raven pointed out that we can both supervise with our eyes closed.”

Clarke grinned again. “Valid point.”

They went back to sitting in silence while pushed herself into a seated position and set her head on his knee. He assumed she was watching the dusk disappear into night over the ocean and wishing she could draw it properly. The night before, they had stayed up way too long having that exact conversation and he could feel the frustration from it in her sigh.

Once darkness had truly fallen, she hopped up again and tried to brush herself off. There was even sand coming out of her hair. “Sand everywhere,” she said through giggles.

“I told you.” Bellamy couldn’t help but smile at her. “What are you doing now?”

“Well, you and Gina talked. You’re sitting here looking kind of miserable and it’s a real buzzkill.” He reached out to nudge her hip with his foot and she smacked it away. “I thought you might want to take a walk, get away from all the noise, and talk about it.”

There was his heart trying to do a flip in his chest again. He tried to tamp it down to no avail. “I was having a perfectly good time watching you guys dance around. You’d probably have more fun with them.”

“Come on. You know that I always have more fun with you,” she said, offering him her hand. When he didn’t take it immediately, she glared at him. “We don’t even have to talk about your drama. Let’s just walk, okay?”

It was hard to imagine a time that he wouldn’t have done anything she wanted as he took her hand and let her pull him out of his chair. He was absolutely and totally screwed. “Whatever you say, Princess.”

She grinned and linked her arm through his elbow, leading him away from the noise. “That’s right. Whatever I say.”


	56. Chapter 56

As far as roommates went, Raven and Octavia were amazing, if a little absent. Clarke supposed she would have seemed absent as well if they were home much. She spent most of her free time in her studio, if she had any. Not only was she piled under mountains of med school applications, but there was another exhibition coming up for the art department _and_ the owner of the art gallery she worked at two nights a week saw her sketchbook and offered to showcase a couple of her pieces. To top it off, she _kind of_ missed her mom, but she was still _so angry_. Bellamy said it all showed in her work.

The desk in the corner of the room that had been _meant_ for drawing was usually where Bellamy spent his time. Most of the time, he graded papers or went over notes from his classes. If he finished up, he’d steal one of her books to read. After a few weeks of his constant presence, she ordered an engraved nameplate for the desk. When he walked in the first day after it arrive, he grinned at her until she started to blush furiously. But, she liked his company and she wasn’t ashamed of that.

While she wasn’t ashamed of enjoying his company, she was constantly conflicted over all of these _feelings_ she had whenever he looked at her or texted her or showed up unannounced with takeout and they would lose track of time sitting on the floor talking about nothing. It was more difficult all of the time to dismiss her feelings, but she kept pushing them down. Not only was he her best friend’s brother, but he was her best friend. He was her _family_. Whatever misguided notion her brain or heart was trying to trick her with wouldn’t work.

In spite of her internal conflict, he was a fantastic subject for her art. It was one of the reasons she had a candid shot from their beach trip taped on a stand next to her easel. Instead of using a brush, she had decided to dunk her hands into the bucket of paint and run them along the canvas. The first lines were messy and broken, but as she progressed, she could tell it was going to be one of her favorite pieces.

“Hey Princess. You’re home alone again?”

It shouldn’t have been a surprise when Bellamy poked his head in the room. Octavia was never home before nine, between the choreography for the senior recital and the dance team, and Raven’s not-so-new-anymore job had her working nights three times a week. It still felt like he caught her undressed. Thankfully, it wasn’t easy to interpret the content on the canvas yet, but it _was_ easy to yank the picture down and shove it in her pocket. She only felt a brief moment of regret as she felt the paint on her hand smear across her back.

Clarke forced a grin onto her face. “Hey hey. You know me. Incredibly lazy and no life ambitions to keep me occupied.”

He chuckled under his breath and set his bag down next to the desk. “O said you guys have some leftover lasagna. You mind if I snag some?”

“Our food is your food.”

“You’re the best.” His shoulders slumped with relief. “I haven’t had anything since breakfast. Cafeteria food is the worst.”

When he slipped out through the door again, she dipped her finger back into the bucket to finish a line she had been working on before. It would be incredibly embarrassing if he figured out what she was painting, but she had been in a great flow before. She was still trying to decide what to do when he walked back in, plate piled almost unnecessarily high, already eating. Instead of sitting down, he moved behind her to see her work.

“What’s this one?”

Clarke felt her face start to heat up. “A profile shot of someone.”

“Sunset in the background?”

“I had the colors, so it seemed right.”

He nudged her wrist with his elbow. “Do I need to buy you another set of brushes?”

She turned to face him, fighting the urge to put her hands on her hips. “I’m trying something new with the lines. I wanted it to be… chaotic and… unique.”

“It’s certainly unique.” He smiled at her before he took another bite of food.

“I left my art history book over there for you.” His eyes went wide and her heart did a little skip as he turned away. “Wait!” He turned back and tilted his head at her. Before she could stop herself, she reached out and poked him on the nose with her index finger.

“Did you just…. Did you just boop my nose? With paint on your hands?”

Clarke shrugged. “I’m in a booping mood?”

Bellamy narrowed his eyes at her. “If I wasn’t so hungry right now, you’d be so dead.”

“Plus, I’m working on a new painting and I’d kill you if you messed it up.”

He rolled his eyes and settled in at the desk. Once she realized he was completely engrossed with both the food and the book in his lap, she decided it was better to have him in the room as a model. Soon, she was equally engrossed in her own work.

In a weird way, it almost turned out to be easier to paint him with her hands than with a brush. It was easier to get his hair right. Her fingers were able to make a really nice dusting of freckles along his cheekbone. It gave her more control even while it _felt_ risky. It was the right mood for the painting. The man sitting in front of her was the embodiment of risk. At least, she had felt that at one point. Even though he had calmed down over the past three years, every time she looked at him, she felt like she was jumping out of an airplane.

It was clearly Bellamy when she was finally finished. Or at least, Clarke thought it was obvious. Instead of the usual rush of relief she felt when she finished something, she felt a minor wave of panic. It eased a bit when she saw he was entrenched in grading some math tests. She wiped her hands on a towel as best as she could before pulling a few things out of the closet. When she had a clear space on the floor, she set up the table easel he had bought her for Christmas the year before and moved the painting from the room to the closet. That got his attention, but she waved him off and closed the door.

Bellamy chuckled. “I didn’t realize paintings went into the closet to dry.”

Clarke scoffed. When she turned around, he was packing papers back into his bag. “I don’t know if this one is finished yet.”

“So I can’t see what you’ve done so far?”

“Not yet.” She could feel her face heating up again. “I’ll show you when it’s done. I promise.” And she would. It was almost a promise to herself as much as a promise to him. At least the painting might start a conversation she didn’t know how to on her own.

Bellamy set his stuff to the side of the desk again before he met her at the easel. “Need any help cleaning up?”

She folded the easel and moved it back to the side of the room. “No, I’m good. I thought you’d have way more tests to grade than that.”

He didn’t respond at first. All she could hear were footsteps as she set the easel against the wall. “I’ll finish them later,” Bellamy said from right behind her.

Clarke jumped and spun around. He grinned and wiped his hand on her face, which caught her off guard again. It took her a moment to recover and realize that his hand was _covered_ in orange paint. “Oh, Bellamy, you did not just—”

Her sentence was cut short when he brought up his other hand and wiped blue paint across the other side of her face. His eyes were practically dancing with amusement. “I did too just.”

She laughed and ran back toward the paint to dunk her hands again. Bellamy was close behind. He managed to grab her around the waist with his left arm while dunking his right hand in the bucket. She slipped out of his grip only to trip on his foot and grab onto his shoulders for support.

All amusement dropped from his features, replaced by concern. “You okay, Princess?”

“Oh, I’m just fine.” Clarke grinned, wiped her hand on his neck, and ran.

The room wasn’t large and they had to avoid the desk and his school stuff. There was nowhere to hide, so the fight didn’t last _too_ long. By the time they managed to call an actual truce (because the first truce had been a huge lie), they were laying in the middle of the room side by side, breathless from laughter. It would have been hard to find an uncovered inch of their skin.

“I’ll buy you a new shirt,” Clarke said once she caught her breath. “Maybe some new jeans, too. Your clothes are basically ruined.”

“These clothes were on their way out anyway.” He nudged her with his knee. “And I started it,” he started to say, but then he laughed. “Wait a minute. I did not. _You_ started it.”

“I know,” she said through renewed laughter. “That’s why I offered.”

“God, I needed this.”

Clarke let her head drop to look at him and her laughter stuck in her throat. His hand rested dangerously close to her hip and her heart was suddenly out of control in her chest. For _no_ reason. “What did you need?”

“To unwind. Relax a little. Being stuck in middle school again is killing me.”

“Why? O said you always had a ton of friends in school.”

“In high school.” He turned his head to look at her and poked her on the nose. “If you tell anyone what I’m about to say, I will end you.”

Clarke crossed her heart solemnly. “Obviously.”

Bellamy snorted, but looked up at the ceiling again. “High school? It was easy. I made friends on the soccer team and I did pretty well in classes, so I got along with almost everyone. But middle school.” He shuddered. “ _Middle school_. I was chubby and awkward and I didn’t know how to talk to anyone. I got into a lot of fights. I mean, normal, horrible middle school experience, but being back there is a form of torture. People who end up teaching middle school are either insane or insanely good people.”

“Oh, so _obviously_ not you.”

He glared at her, but it was betrayed by a faint smile. “What about you?”

“Me?” Clarke sighed. “You already know my awkward school stories thanks to Wells.”

“Yeah, blah blah. You think you were awkward. You partied all the time, until….”He trailed off for a moment and frowned apologetically. “Anyway, everyone loved you. Don’t give me that look. I’ve heard the stories, remember? Besides, that’s not what I was asking about.” He nudged her shoulder with his. “You were really into that painting earlier. Is it stress or were you painting something naked?”

Clarke half laughed with panic. “I don’t paint naked…. I mean, I don’t paint naked people when it’s not for class. Besides, it’s way easier to _draw_ naked people.”

Bellamy chuckled and elbowed her again. “What was all the hyper-focus for, then? You were a little more intense than usual.”

“You think I’m intense?!” She gasped with mock-affront and then sighed dramatically.

“You know you’re intense. Now tell me.”

Clarke rolled her eyes, but she _did_ know she was intense. And he knew that things in her life were a little crazy. She rolled away from him onto her stomach in an attempt to let a little sanity rush through her brain, but he rolled onto his stomach too, closing the distance between them again.

“I can tell you want to talk about it.”

Clarke sighed and glared at him. “Being your friend is the worst.”

“I know.” He grinned. “Now tell me.”

“Fine.” She drummed her fingers on the floor and scrunched her nose up in spite of herself. “I’m almost done with my med school applications.”

“Already?!”

She bumped him with her shoulder. “Yeah, I only have a couple essays left.”

“Which will be awesome.”

“Yeah, duh.”

“That’s great, Clarke.”

“I guess. It’s…. I’m kind of freaking out. Turning them in makes it serious and what if I don’t really want to be a doctor?”

Bellamy frowned and moved to a seated position. “Do you want to be a doctor?”

“Well, yeah, but—” His hand settled on her shoulder and it shocked Clarke into silence.

“You’re never going to stop drawing. Or painting. Not even if you go to med school.”

“There’s no way you can know that I’ll still have time for it.”

“Come on, it’s a part of you. It’s in your blood.” He plucked her tank top strap. “And it’s drying all over your clothes.”

“Shut up.” Clarke blushed and pushed his hand away. “I’m going to change.”

She started to push herself up and he grabbed her arm to stop her. “No way. Not fair. You have clean clothes here.”

“I still have stuff that will fit you, you know.” Bellamy opened his mouth to be snarky, she could see it in his eyes, so she pushed him. “Don’t even start. You wouldn’t fit in Lexa’s old clothes.”

“I’d look good.”

Clarke rolled her eyes and tried to stand again, but he yanked on her hand to stop her from standing.

“Say I’d look good, Clarke.”

“You’d look good in anything.”

“Okay. Let’s go change.” He wiggled his eyebrows at her. “Do we get to shower first? I won’t look, I promise.”

Clarke didn’t have time to respond. He jumped up and pulled her up with him, causing her to stumble into his chest. She pushed herself away quickly and pretended to fix her hair. “Don’t be an ass. You can use O’s bathroom if you want to shower.”

“I figured,” he said with a lopsided grin. “I just like seeing you blush.”

Clarke stared after him as he walked away, the air in front of her cool with his sudden absence. He paused at the door to look back.

“Come on. I need to get this stuff out of my hair and we need to bake some cookies so we can delve deeper into your fear of med school.”

The thought of cookies helped ground her a bit, but she would have to make him promise it would be a clean process. They couldn’t have a repeat of the paint incident in the kitchen. She didn’t want to have to take a second shower to wash cookie dough out of her hair.

As soon as Clarke closed the door to the studio behind her, the front door opened. Octavia and Lincoln stopped dead in the doorway. Lincoln was stuck in silence as he continued to take in their appearance and O burst into laughter.

“I’m going to use your shower, O.” Bellamy ignored them and ran up the stairs.

Octavia rolled her eyes and kicked off her shoes before heading into the kitchen, but Lincoln stayed. Clarke was a little uncomfortable with the way he looked at her and then chuckled when they heard the shower start upstairs.

Lincoln grinned at her. “Is there an art project I’m missing out on?”

“You know Bellamy,” Clarke said, aiming for casual. “He thinks it’s fun to fuck with my paint.”

“I’m sure that’s what he thinks is fun. I mean, that’s what the handprint on your hip tells me. That he thinks it’s fun.”

Clarke studied him for a moment, but he kept that stupid smile on his face. She scoffed before starting up the stairs. “Shut up, Lincoln.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (In case you missed it) Fun throwback at the end to the first time Clarke let him wear her dad's old clothes. It's been a few chapters, so I thought I'd throw in that reminder. :)
> 
> Anyway, thanks for reading! I'm starting on the edits for the next chapter later today!


	57. Chapter 57

“But O, we’re supposed to watch movies.” Clarke pouted and crossed her arms. It did _not_ make her cleavage more impressed. Bellamy glared at Octavia, perhaps a little harder than he intended.

“I know. I’m sorry.” Octavia pouted back at Clarke. “Lincoln texted and if I go help him, then I can bring him back to watch movies _with_ us. Raven won’t even be home from work for another few hours.”

“Just because I said I approve doesn’t mean I want to hang out with him all the time,” Bellamy grumbled, earning an elbow in the ribs from Clarke. “Fine. Go pick up your gigantic boyfriend, but don’t expect us to wait for you to start the movies.”

O grinned and kissed them both on the cheek before she bounced out of the house. Bellamy stared at the door until he could feel Clarke watching him. He turned to find her regarding him with a small smile on her face.

“What?” She didn’t say anything and her smile turned into a grin. “Princess, stop looking at me like that.”

“I’m just so proud of you.” She laughed. “So, which movie are we watching without them?”

Bellamy watched her carefully for a moment, because she was still looking at him a little funny. After a moment, he decided to ignore it. “Let’s order pizza first.”

Clarke didn’t let him pay for the pizza, so they had a very _small_ argument in front of the delivery guy, who Bellamy decided was probably in high school. He chased after him when Clarke went in the kitchen to get plates to give him an extra five dollars to make up for how uncomfortable the poor kid had been.

They settled onto the couch with their pizza after Bellamy put the movie in, but didn’t make it past the DVD menu. Clarke’s phone rang while she was trying to eat a piece of pizza while lying down with her feet in Bellamy’s lap. He was busy trying not to choke on his own pizza, laughing at how miserably she failed each time she tried.

“You can’t eat like that.”

“I can eat however I want. Will you hand me my phone before it goes to voicemail, please?”

He leaned forward and tossed her phone at her, laughing a little too hard when she almost dropped her pizza in order to catch it.

“Screw you, Bellamy.” Clarke stuck her tongue out at him before she finally answered. “Hello?”

Bellamy muted the TV immediately when she sat straight up and set her pizza down on top of the plate he had resting on her shins. He would have protested if her entire face hadn’t changed, but her brow furrowed and tears suddenly threatened to spill from her eyes.

“Thank you for calling,” she finally said, a little weak. “I’ll be there as soon as possible.” Clarke hung up the phone and pulled her legs off of his lap. He barely grabbed his plate in time to stop it from falling  . It took a moment before she would look at him and he looked away while she tried to wipe her tears away. “I have to go. Do you want to wait for O here?”

When she stood and picked up her purse, Bellamy jumped up with her and grabbed her arm. “Wait. Clarke, where are you going?”

“I have to go to the hospital,” she muttered while she fumbled through her purse. “Where are my fucking keys?”

Bellamy looked around the room and spotted them in the key bowl by the front door. He pocketed them before she realized where they were, then caught her again before she went into the kitchen to continue the search. He put a hand on each of her shoulders and crouched down to look her in the eyes.

“Talk to me. I’ll take you wherever you need to go. Which hospital?”

“She’s at Ark Central. You don’t have to drive me.”

“I don’t _have_ to. I want to. You can’t even find your keys and it sounds like we should get going, right?.”

Clarke searched his face for a moment before she nodded. While he locked the front door, Bellamy realized they left the pizza on the table. He glanced back to find Clarke hovering near his car looking completely lost. It was enough to reassure him that she shouldn’t be behind the wheel. Once they got on the road, she leaned her forehead on the window. He didn’t prod, but he did reach over to take her hand. About halfway through their drive, she finally told him what happened.

Her mother was the on-call surgeon when a cop and the person he had been pursuing were brought into the emergency room, both with gunshot wounds. Abby was assigned to the thief, who was in and out of consciousness. In one of his moments of clarity, before the anesthesiologist made it into the room, he managed to grab a scalpel and stabbed Abby in the side. The scalpel hit her kidney and she was being rushed into surgery when the hospital called Clarke.

Unfortunately, the nurse who called her had no idea how long it would take and there was no new information by the time they arrived. Bellamy walked next to her as she shuffled down the hallway toward the waiting room.

“Bellamy, you don’t have to stay with me. It’s going to be a few hours.”

He stared down at her set profile, but couldn’t even entertain the idea of leaving her alone. She didn’t even notice that he was still there until they sat down on an empty couch.

“Bellamy, come on.” Clarke sighed and covered her face with her hands. “You don’t need to be here for this.”

“Hey. Seriously, Clarke?” He threw his right arm over her shoulders and set his other hand on her knee. “I’m not letting you sit here alone and keep all that awesome vending machine junk to yourself.”

It was a moment before she finally met his eyes again and hers were red from her attempts to not cry. There was nothing in the world that could drag him away from her in that moment. He wiped away a tear that escaped and tried to smile at her.

“Bellamy,” her voice cracked and his heart broke into a million pieces. “Bellamy, what if she isn’t okay? I don’t even remember the last thing I said to her, but I know it wasn’t nice. What if—”

“Clarke, stop. She’s going to be fine.”

“You don’t know that.”

“I do, actually. She’s strong.”

Clarke smiled weakly, but it dropped just as fast as it appeared. “I’ve been so angry and I’ve been so mean to her. She’s been trying so hard to make up for it and it’s not even entirely her fault. She’s been trying to give me the space to be my own person…. I don’t even think I’ve told her that I love her in…. Oh my god, have we been fighting for two years?”

He moved his hand from her knee to her cheek without thinking. “You’re going to get a chance to make things right, okay?” Tears started to stream down her cheeks, even as he tried to wipe them away. “I need you to tell me that you know that.”

She closed her eyes and nodded before he pulled her into a hug. As she wrapped her arms around his neck, she buried her face in his chest. He pulled her in as tightly as he could when she started to sob and rubbed her back, resting his cheek on the top of her head. Aside from wishing he could take all of her pain for her, he could only think about how completely and utterly screwed he was, because he never wanted to let her go.

Bellamy had no idea how much time had passed when she pulled away and wiped her eyes with a sigh, but she managed another weak smile. “I’m going to go to the bathroom and try to clean up my face. Do you want anything from the vending machine?”

“Lots of Cheetos. And you look beautiful, Clarke.”

It stopped her in her tracks long enough for him to start to panic. It wasn’t like she didn’t know he thought she was hot. He knew she thought he was hot, too. But calling someone beautiful was something else, she wouldn’t stop looking at him, and his panic could hardly escalate more. Finally, she scoffed like the thought he was crazy before she turned away and he sighed with relief.

While she was gone, he texted Octavia and Raven to let them know where they were and what had happened. Unsurprisingly, they responded back within minutes to ensure him they were on the way. He texted Wells, too, but he was on the other side of the country. Even though he probably wouldn’t get the message until the morning, Bellamy knew he would want to know what had happened so he could get an earlier flight home.

As he slid his phone back into his pocket, Clarke turned the corner armed with candy bars and a few varieties of chips. Without saying anything else, she curled up into his side again and he engulfed her in his arms the best he could.

Raven got there first. The fact that she said nothing about the position she found them in proved the seriousness of the situation. Clarke jumped up to hug her immediately and Raven was whispering reassurances into her hair when a wild-eyed Octavia rounded the corner, Lincoln not far behind. While Raven kicked Bellamy out of his seat on the couch, Clarke hugged O and then Lincoln. Bellamy joined Lincoln at the coffee station while the three girls huddled together on the couch.

“I feel weird being here,” Lincoln said, finally breaking the silence.

It shocked Bellamy. “Why?”

“I wouldn’t want Clarke to think I’m only here because I was with O when she got your text. I would have come anyway.”

Bellamy glanced over to find Lincoln studying Clarke with a frown and a concerned wrinkle in his brow. It won him some more points in Bellamy’s book. “Trust me. She’s grateful that you’re here. You’re a part of the family now, whether you want to be or not.”

Lincoln smiled. “Thank you.”

Bellamy tried to smile, but he knew it didn’t meet his eyes, so he turned his attention back to Clarke. She looked up at him at the same moment. He almost smiled, then, but she still looked so scared and sad. It drove him crazy that he was stuck on the other side of the room, unable to do anything to help.

“Okay, I have a question for you,” Lincoln said.

It took some effort, but Bellamy pulled his eyes away from Clarke to look at Lincoln again. “Hit me.”

“How long has it been?”

“How long has _what_ been?”

“You and Clarke.” Lincoln said the phrase as though it were the simplest thing in the world. It was a little frustrating that he couldn’t understand the gravity behind the situation.

“We’ve been friends for three years. I guess you could say two and a half, because we were definitely not friends when we first met. But… semantics, you know?”

Lincoln scoffed. “That’s not what I meant and I think you know it.”

Bellamy narrowed his eyes. “What did you mean?”

“You care about her.”

“She’s my best friend.”

Lincoln glared at Bellamy. “You care about each other.”

“Don’t tell O, but I’m pretty sure I’m Clarke’s best friend, too.”

Lincoln scoffed again. “You two have feelings for each other.”

Bellamy felt his eyes go wide. “We do not.”

“Yeah, and I’m not in love with your sister,” Lincoln said with an eye roll.

Bellamy glanced over at Clarke, who was in the middle of another very intense hugging session, and he felt his heart constrict in his chest. It had been obvious to him for some time that he loved Clarke. No matter how much he wanted to deny it, he knew he had feelings for her. Somehow, he had managed to avoid thinking about the possibility that he was _in love_ with her.

Somehow, Lincoln’s confrontation made it seem real. It was different than their friends joking about them being in charge of everything _together_ or Octavia tricking him into classes that he needed Clarke’s help with or Raven and Wells calling him an idiot under their breath every time Clarke left the room. Holding her in that waiting room until everyone else showed up made it seem more real and _more possible_ than it had in a long time.

When he met Lincoln’s gaze again, the other man was staring at him with a knowing smile. It was so stupid, because once again, the heaviness of the revelation seemed to escape the other man. Trying to turn the situation into something simple, into a possibility, was never going to work.

Bellamy crossed his arms. “Look. Even if I did have feelings for her, and I’m not saying that I do, I would never do anything about it.”

“Why not? It seems like you’re interested in each other.”

“Clarke would never be into a guy like me.” Lincoln raised an eyebrow at him and Bellamy shook his head. “I’m serious. Don’t make a big deal out of it.”

Lincoln raised his hands up in mock-defense. “Not making a big deal out of it. I’m just saying, you two would be good together.”

“ _You_ think we’d be good together.”

“Again, _just saying_ , there’s a reason things don’t work out with her and anyone she’s tried to date. “

Bellamy scoffed and ignored the implied Lexa in the statement. The few months Clarke had been with Lexa, he had missed her immensely, but it was water under the bridge. For Clarke’s sake, he subscribed to the ‘if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it’ philosophy when it came to this particular ex.

“Don’t try to make anything out of it, Lincoln. I’m never going to do anything about it. She’s my best friend and I can’t lose her.”

The other man was quiet for a minute. Lincoln glanced over at the girls, tilted his head, and then considered Bellamy again. “Are you sure you would lose her, though?”

“She doesn’t love me,” Bellamy muttered. “She’s not that stupid.”

Lincoln shook his head. “Sure.”

Bellamy didn’t say anything else. The two of them joined Raven and Octavia when Clarke was finally called back. They waited for about an hour before she came back out with written instructions from Abby that she was to go home and straight to bed.

Raven led the way with Clarke and Octavia lingered behind with Lincoln. When they reached the cars, O pulled Bellamy to the side.

“Can you take Lincoln home?” It was a measure of how exhausted they were that she didn’t try to pout. “We’re going to do our best to make sure that Clarke stays home and actually goes to sleep. Raven’s going to give her a Xanax, I think.”

“Yeah, I can do that. I have her keys, anyway,” Bellamy said as he patted his pocket. “But maybe you two should stay with her to make sure she doesn’t call a Lyft or something.”

O hugged him and kissed Lincoln before she ran off to her car. Clarke stopped short of getting in Raven’s car, leaned in to say something, and then she was running toward him. He barely had time to open his arms to catch her as she collided into him.

“Thank you so much,” she whispered into his chest.

Bellamy wrapped his arms around her shoulders and pressed his forehead to the top of her head. “Any time you need me, Princess. I’m a phone call away.”

Clarke pulled away and favored him with an actual, genuine smile. Then she was hugged Lincoln and ran back to Raven’s car. Bellamy could feel the stupid grin on his face and he tried really hard to hide it, but when he glanced over at Lincoln’s smug face, he knew he had failed.

“Don’t. Say. Anything.”

“This is me not making a big deal out of anything.”

After a moment’s hesitation, Bellamy sighed. “Do not breathe a word to Jasper about any of this.”

Lincoln flinched. “Do you really think I would do that to myself? I like my eardrums intact.”

Bellamy couldn’t help but laugh. “Good point.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear, "Year 4" is such an emotional roller coaster of fluff --> angst --> fluff --> angst --> fluff... etc. etc. I didn't even mean to write the chapters that way, but it's how it happened! I put Year 4 in quotes, because I realize that you guys can't see the folder system I have going to organize these chapters on my computer. It's a doozy.
> 
> BTW I'm in love with the next chapter. I re-read it again last night and it's all Christmas fluff and fun. 
> 
> Come hang out with me on [Tumblr](http://ilovethisship.tumblr.com/) if you want! Game of Thrones has finally wrapped up for the season, so I'm mostly back to being a 100% Bellarke blog again, lol.


	58. Chapter 58

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I meant to have this out yesterday, but my bridal shower was on Saturday, so I didn't have a chance to get any editing done. And I slept way too much yesterday, because for some reason, spending 8 hours in a car is exhausting. I'm glad I had a road trip buddy to go to the shower with, but man, I'm glad to be home.

By noon, there wasn’t a place in her house that Clarke hadn’t found mistletoe. Raven and Octavia were obsessed with the stuff. It was _literally_ everywhere. When she found it in the bathroom, they had gone too far.

She walked into Raven’s room, holding it up. “The bathroom? Seriously?”

Raven shrugged. “You never know who’s going to want to bang in the bathroom. We have to give them an excuse.”

Clarke glared at her and threw it on Raven’s dresser before going back to decorating the living room. The two of them seemed to think that hanging the mistletoe in progressively crazier places was a fun game. The only way Clarke was going to win was to stop taking the stupid things down.

Christmas Eve was going to be bigger than it had been since she had met them all, and Clarke hoped it was the start of a new tradition. The only person who got enough time off from their jobs or internships to go home for the holiday was Harper. When she came by drop off her gifts the week before (and, Clarke learned later, to give Raven and O the mistletoe), she was actually disappointed to find out what kind of party she would be missing.

Jasper claimed that he had too much to do over break for his senior research project, but everyone knew he was staying for Maya. Of course, this meant Monty stayed, too, although she thought there was an ulterior motive for that as well. Clarke didn’t think she was the best at sniffing out crushes, but Monty had been acting a little suspicious over first quarter.

When the three of them arrived, Raven had already kicked Clarke out of the kitchen and insisted that she could handle everything. It meant that Clarke was there to greet them with Octavia and she had to endure the awkward half-hug from Maya, who clearly did not want to be a part of it. Thankfully, it was her first time at the house, so Octavia saved the day by offering her a tour.

Monty shot Clarke a look as they sat down in the living room.

She glared back at him. “It’s not me. I’m trying.”

“Are you trying hard?”

Clarke bit off a retort at the sound of the door opening. Bellamy and Miller walked in and she couldn’t contain her grin. She jumped up and ran over to hug Bellamy, who chuckled and squeezed her back just as tight. As soon as they let go, Maya burst back into the entryway and ran up to grab Clarke’s hands.

Octavia threw her a thumbs up as she ushered everyone else into the living room. Bellamy held back laughter as Clarke was pulled into a conversation about brush techniques, charcoal versus pencil, and Maya’s favorite artists. William Blake was a little darker than Clarke was typically drawn to, but she could appreciate the symbolism in his work.

“So, Octavia showed me some of your new pieces and they’re _amazing_.” Maya smiled earnestly. “Do you mind if I tag along to your art show in a few weeks? I’d love to see everything.”

Clarke put on a smile. She was glad that she had found some common ground with Jasper’s girlfriend, but her head was still spinning a little from the sudden change in their relationship. “No, I wouldn’t mind at all. That would be great.”

In spite of the pleasant conversation, it was such a relief to see Bellamy poke his head into the hallway. “Princess, Raven’s falling apart in the kitchen and she won’t let me back in. Care to give it a shot?”

Maya smiled at the promise of continuing their conversation later and moved into the living room while Clarke followed Bellamy down the hall. Clarke bumped him with her elbow. “Is she really having a meltdown or were you trying to be heroic?”

Bellamy grinned at her and pushed open the door to the kitchen. Clarke’s jaw dropped. Raven had found a fluffy pink apron with lace around the edge somewhere, but it was covered in sauce. Hair was coming out of her ponytail and there was flour all over her face. When she saw them in the doorway, she pointed her spoon at Bellamy.

“I told you to get out.”

“Raven. Honey.” Clarke crossed the room slowly and pushed the spoon down. “Where did the flour come from?”

“There’s flour?”

“On your face?”

Raven touched her face with her free hand and then stared at the dusting of flour on her fingers for a moment. Finally, she pointed at a bowl with a few ingredients in it. “I wanted to make cookies, I think.”

“Okay. Go take a shower.”

“But, I’m helping you—”

“You were a huge help and got so much done. Go take a shower and then hang out with everyone. I’ve got this from here.”

The trauma in her eyes as she handed the apron to Bellamy made Clarke wonder if Raven would ever cook again. He smiled at Clarke as he balled it up and set it on the counter. “What do you need me to do?”

Clarke surveyed the room with her hands on her hips. Raven really had done quite a bit of prep work, but had stretched herself too thin. She pointed Bellamy toward the lasagna while she tried to figure out what cookies Raven had intended to make based off the ingredients surrounding the bowl. In the end, she had to throw out the contents and start over, even though she was pretty sure it was for sugar cookies.

Once she had the batter in the fridge and Bellamy had the lasagna in the oven, they worked together to finish up everyone’s traditional Christmas sides. Jasper and Monty needed macaroni and cheese with hot dogs. Raven wanted a “butt-load” of mashed potatoes. Miller wanted jalapeño cheddar cornbread and Bellamy and O wanted chocolate chip waffles. It was an eclectic mixture, but at least everyone would be reminded of home one way or another.

After everything was finally finished, they walked into the living room to get help carrying food into the dining room. Clarke started to speak, but stopped abruptly. Everyone went silent as soon as she and Bellamy walked through the door. She glanced over at Bellamy, who looked equally confused, before looking back at everyone else. Raven, who looked clean and much more relaxed, wiggled her eyebrows. A sinking feeling took over Clarke’s stomach as she looked to Lincoln and Octavia. O just grinned and pointed up.

Clarke gasped. “How the—” Somehow, they had managed to pin mistletoe up on the high ceiling and she and Bellamy were standing right underneath it.

Bellamy chuckled weakly, his face pale. “So, uh… dinner’s ready. We need help getting everything into the dining room.”

“I don’t think so!” Jasper practically squeaked and Monty elbowed him.

Miller crossed his arms with a small smile on his face. “Mistletoe means you kiss.”

“And if you two don’t follow the rules, it’ll be complete chaos going forward. You’re our shining example.” Wells grinned and Clarke stuck her tongue out him.

“Come on, you guys,” Bellamy said. Clarke wondered if she imagined the shaking in his voice or if it was the blood rushing through her ears. “This is ridiculous.”

“It’s a sacred rule,” Lincoln said, crossing his arms to mirror Miller. “I think you should probably uphold it.”

Clarke rolled her eyes and turned to face Bellamy. She tried to smile, but it felt awkward with everyone staring at them. Of course, it probably wasn’t any better than Bellamy’s expression. His eyes were wide, his jaw tense… he looked like a deer in headlights. She licked her lips and glanced back at O and Raven, who were waving her toward Bellamy. When she looked back at him, he licked his lips and her stomach flipped.

For a second, she thought about kissing him. _Really_ kissing him. Grabbing him by the stupid collar of his stupid shirt and pulling him down and just _kissing_ him. In spite of whatever game everyone was playing, it would definitely freak them out. It would probably freak Bellamy out, too… and herself. The way he was _looking_ at her was freaking her out, all sincere and endearing, telling her with his eyes that he would follow her lead.

In the end, she set a hand on his shoulder, used it to help herself onto her tiptoes, and then kissed him right where his cheek met his jawbone. The blush on his cheeks meant that she had to be red up to her hairline, so she spun away from him and started back toward the kitchen.

“Dinner is ready, assholes.”

Half their friends booed and the other half cheered as she half stormed out of the room. Mostly, Clarke needed to get away from Bellamy for just a minute, even if she knew it wasn’t possible. Like always, he was a half-step behind her. It was only moderately reassuring that he looked as off-balance as she felt.

Like always, in the flurry of everyone helping transfer food, plates, and silverware out of the kitchen, she ended up seated next to him at the head of the table. It was what she had expected; what she had wanted. It wouldn’t have been so awkward if not for the fucking mistletoe. Even after a few beers and a shot of Monty’s moonshine, the tension hadn’t dissipated.

At a normal dinner, he would have nudged her with his knee when Jasper said something no one else (except for Maya) thought was funny, but it wasn’t normal. When their knees brushed, it felt like he lingered and she couldn’t tell if she was projecting. Their hands brushed more than once when they reached for something in the center of the table and Clarke’s appetite disappeared. When she made fun of him for eating _four_ waffles, instead of bumping her foot, they both turned bright red.

Once dinner finally started to wind down, they both rushed out of the room, followed closely by Raven. The three of them agreed that since they had cooked (or tried to, in Raven’s case), Octavia could spearhead the cleanup and put the cookies in the oven. The conversation was stilted and Raven seemed to sense the awkwardness, trying to pick up the slack. As the others trickled in, things started to feel a little lighter. Monty and Octavia brought out more shot glasses with his moonshine and it came out that somehow, Octavia had tricked him into kitchen timer duty for the cookies.

“So, what’s on the agenda now?” Maya asked once everyone was settled.

Clarke opened her mouth to suggest a movie so they could play a drinking game, but Jasper jumped out of his seat first. “I have something awesome in the trunk of the car!”

Everyone exchanged looks, but Maya and Monty both shifted awkwardly in their seats, which scared Clarke. It turned out that she was right to be afraid. Jasper ran back inside clutching a thin, white box to his chest. The heat rose back into Clarke’s cheeks and she glanced at Bellamy, who suddenly looked like he might throw up.

“Twister!” Jasper shouted as he hoisted the box in the air.

“No way,” Bellamy said. “We’re adults. This is not happening.”

“Come on, Twister’s an adult game. It’ll be fun.”

“You can go first and get it out of the way,” Wells offered.

“No.” Bellamy crossed his arms and leaned back into the couch.

“Dude,” Raven said, kicking Bellamy’s thigh. “You’re not going to win. Just play.”

Jasper shot her a not very discreet thumbs-up and started to set the game up in the middle of the room. Clarke stared in horror as the future unfolded before her eyes. She wanted to protest, she kept trying to form the words, but nothing came out. An elbow jostled her out of her motionless terror and Bellamy slid a shot glass into her hand.

“I’m going to spin the wheel,” Jasper said. “First group is Bellamy, Raven, Miller, and… Clarke.”

“And don’t fall down on purpose. I’ll be able to tell.” Octavia directed her words and Bellamy and Clarke, who threw their shots back before joining Raven and Miller on the floor.

If they thought standing at opposite corners would help their chances of not ending up tangled together, they were wrong. It wasn’t the first time Clarke realized that their friends were trying to push them into… something. It wasn’t even the first time that night, but it was easily the least subtle any of them had ever been, and it made her curious. Curiosity was a dangerous thing to feel around Bellamy.

Still, she tried her hardest to outmaneuver Jasper. When she moved closer to Miller instead of Bellamy on right-foot-green, Miller ‘slipped’ on the next turn. Jasper called out left-foot-red when Raven was blocking a majority of the red circles. The only red circle Bellamy could move to put him closer to Clarke. On Clarke’s left-hand-yellow, the only open spot was near Bellamy’s shoulder, and he somehow received a right-hand-yellow shortly after.

Her anger and frustration were sidelined by how distracting Bellamy was. Their arms were touching, she could smell his shampoo, and her foot was in between his legs, because Jasper had obviously rigged the fucking game. Clarke was more sure of that than ever when she glanced up at Bellamy and caught him staring down her shirt.

“Bellamy,” she whispered, strained. “What the hell are you doing?”

“I’m… kind of sorry. I tried looking the other way, but it hurt my neck.” He whispered back. “Twister is _definitely_ an adult game.”

Clarke choked back laughter and reached up to smack his shoulder. She succeeded, but the process threw her off balance and she slipped. The sudden weight of Clarke knocked Bellamy off balance as well and they fell, legs tangled together, and almost everyone else in the room couldn’t stop laughing.

Before anyone could say anything, she pushed herself up and yanked the spinner out of Jasper’s hands. “Next up! Jasper, Wells, Lincoln, and Miller.”

Bellamy was right behind her and swiped it out of her hands. “Agreed.”

“What about Monty?!” Miller protested.

Clarke hesitated. She wanted to put Monty and Miller out there together, because she thought Monty blushed any time she mentioned Miller. However, Monty also was the only one not to endorse Jasper’s actions and was frantically shaking his head, which solidified her suspicions.

“Monty’s watching the cookies. He doesn’t have to take a turn.”

“What about Octavia?!”

Clarke turned to O, whose triumphant expression melted into fear. “She’ll get her turn.”

Lincoln muttered something about the lack of room, but accepted his fate. Wells and Jasper exchanged shrugs and Miller pouted, but finally stepped up to the mat again. While Bellamy kicked Octavia out of her spot on the loveseat, Clarke grabbed the moonshine out of Raven’s hand and poured two more shots. Before she settled in next to him, she handed Bellamy one of the shots and he accepted enthusiastically.

Then, the game truly started.

* * *

Clarke couldn’t sleep. All she could think about was Bellamy on the couch downstairs and how a year ago, he might have been in her room. Another dangerous thought. The only thing that stopped her from texting him to see if he was awake was the fact that he wasn’t alone. The only two people who left at the end of the night were Maya and Jasper.

Maya had offered to be Jasper’s designated driver, but in the end, he was still fine to drive. They were going to her parents for Christmas in the morning and he was worried about being too hungover. Monty, on the other hand, had ended up quite drunk near the end of the night and decided as they were leaving that he wanted to stay and go to Clarke’s mom’s in the morning with everyone else. It meant that Clarke was able to convince him that Wells should sleep on the loveseat so Monty and Miller would have to take the air mattress. It was almost another form of payback, because Miller was blushing as much as Bellamy was earlier. Only almost, because he did look pleased with the situation in the end.

In spite of everyone else in her living room, she couldn’t think about any of them. She couldn’t pull her mind away from Bellamy and the way his body had felt underneath hers or the way his hands felt on her back when he tried to catch her. The way his cheek felt under her lips… she wished she had been braver in that moment.

_Fuck_. Her whole body was warm, even though she was in a tank top and shorts. After a few more useless attempts to clear her mind, she threw off the sheets and snuck downstairs. Sneaking was a little unnecessary. Everyone else had enough to drink that they would probably be out for a while. Clarke thought about drinking more. It might help her sleep, but she had stopped drinking after that last shot during Twister for a reason. The same reason she couldn’t fucking sleep.

Clarke pulled milk and a Tupperware full of frosting out of the fridge and settled on the counter next to the cookie jar. The clock on the microwave told her it was 1:27 and she was grateful that her mother wasn’t expecting them until around noon. The shower schedule alone was going to be a nightmare, even with two bathrooms. She dipped a cookie in the frosting before biting into it and sighed with relief. She was glad that none of the cookies were eaten earlier, because they were good.

Footsteps from the hallway made her pause with a second cookie halfway to her mouth. Bellamy padded in as he finished pulling on a shirt and made his way to the sink. It wasn’t until he reached toward the cabinet to grab a glass that he noticed her and jumped, but he recovered quickly.

“Couldn’t sleep?” He whispered, but sounded a little too alert.

“No.” It was a minor comfort that he was awake. “You?”

He shrugged. “Isn’t it a little late to be sitting on the counter in the dark, dipping cookies in frosting?”

“Is it ever too late?”

A smile spread across his face and he glanced down at his feet. “I guess not.”

Clarke stared at him. His hair was messy. It was always a little messy, but she could tell he had been tossing and turning. She wondered what kept him up at night; if he thought about the same things she couldn’t get out of her head. Hope and fear spread through her chest before she could push the thought away. She was so lucky to have him in her life. He was her best friend and he had been her family when she felt like she had nothing.

Instead of giving in to what kept her awake, she smiled at him. “Care to join me?”

Bellamy grinned and hopped up on the counter next to her. Once he had a cookie dipped in frosting, he tapped it against hers. “Merry Christmas, Clarke.”

With him next to her, she felt safer, less threatened by the possibilities. Nothing outside of the moment existed and she liked the moment they were in. She could scoot closer to him and lean her head against his shoulder, because that was how they always were. It was how they always would be. “Merry Christmas, Bellamy.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, so I was reevaluating some of the future chapters, and it might turn out that there are two less chapters in this fic than I'm currently planning. There are some chapters that need to be condensed, because they're too short, so unless I get some inspiration for more content in those.... Yikes, it's seriously so close though!!! 
> 
> But chapter commentary! Bellamy and Clarke co-parenting their friends makes me want them to both be good cooks. Raven's not bad at cooking, but she was trying to cook that whole meal by herself. Any time you have a group party, cooking becomes exponentially more stressful and it's hard to balance the time that you need for each dish. So, if Raven had just accepted Bellamy's help, she probably wouldn't have been so stressed, right? It's okay, because Bellarke is such a great team that they hardly needed the excuse to knock it out of the park together.


	59. Chapter 59

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHOA this chapter is DRAMA. Sorry not sorry? These two are so dumb. I'm blaming my recent decision to replay Dragon Age: Inquisition. RPGs with great love stories make me extra dramatic.

A few weeks after Christmas, Clarke realized Bellamy had stopped showing up unannounced. They still texted every day, but she could feel him pulling back. She didn’t understand. She missed him and it hurt.

Any time she tried to visit him at work, he was in the back of the café doing dishes. He couldn’t make it to any group events she tried to plan, claiming an insane amount of homework. While she couldn’t fault him for taking his education seriously, it was hard not to wonder if she should take it personally.

The only distraction she had was prepping for her next art show. It was hard to decide which paintings to include. She had moved the painting of Bellamy into her room where someone was less likely to stumble upon it. There were days she was tempted to include it, but she was terrified that she would be discovered. Everyone would know how she felt if they saw it. She wasn't ready for that.

Still, she took it to the art building to get a second opinion. If her art professor liked it enough, she thought she could play it off as a declaration of friendship. It was received with more enthusiasm than she expected, but then Lincoln walked in and Clarke panicked. She covered the painting quickly and made an excuse to leave so she could take it home. It went right back in her closet. She definitely wasn't ready.

The night of the show, she was more nervous than ever. Octavia swore Bellamy would be there. _He_ swore he would be there, reminding her that he had never missed one of her shows. Clarke was still worried that he wouldn’t show up, but in a moment of optimism, she decided to put on the little black dress she never had an excuse to wear. It might be enough to make him regret his disappearing act. Maybe.

As people flowed through her section, she was grateful that she hadn’t included the painting. If she had included it, she would have been even more distracted. She was nervous enough as it was and half-assed most of her conversations as a result. She would have felt guilty about that if she spent less time searching for her friends. For Bellamy.

When she finally saw Raven and Octavia round the corner, her excitement bubbled up inside her. It quickly turned to nausea, but she also felt like she was floating on air, because he was right on their heels. There he was with his stupidly attractive messy hair, easy grin, and infinite freckles. She wanted to run to him, but she couldn’t leave her section.

And then Lexa appeared in front of her with a nervous smile. She had emailed a few weeks prior to apologize for how things ended. Clarke was less angry than she had been and had been feeling guilty herself, because Lexa had been... right. It was a strange thing to think, but it was good to know that while things would never be the same, they might be able to be friends.

“Lexa! I didn’t think you’d be in town until next week.”

“They switched up my schedule a little.” Lexa said as they hugged. “I’m glad they did, because your stuff is amazing.”

Clarke grinned and felt her cheeks burn. “Thanks.” In spite of her hope that they might be friends, the situation was still awkward. She had no idea how Raven handled her monthly lunches with Finn. “How have you been doing?”

“I’ve been great. I’m transferring to Polis next year and to start my master’s program, so things have been crazy. How about—”

Octavia and Raven barreled into Clarke from both sides and she grunted. Lexa actually laughed and Clarke realized how much… lighter she seemed. Things really had changed.

“It’s good to see you again, Lexa,” Octavia said, tightening her grip on Clarke’s waist.

“Let’s pretend I know you so I can say ‘it’s been a long time’,” Raven added, tightening her arms around Clarke’s shoulders.

Clarke grinned and slid an arm around them both, grateful for the save. They promised to set up a coffee date to catch up before Lexa left, not wanting to intrude. As soon as she was gone, Maya was there, clinging to Jasper’s hand and excitedly pointing out the brush techniques Clarke had used. It was hard to not be impressed by Maya’s knowledge when it wasn’t even her major.

When O and Raven went to study some of her newer paintings, Harper slid an arm around her shoulders to give her a squeeze. Clarke set an arm around her waist to reciprocate. They hadn’t seen enough of each other over the year and Clarke hoped that could change over the summer. Monty and Miller trickled in last, nudging each other with their elbows and whispering about something Clarke couldn’t hear.

Clarke’s grip on Harper’s waist tightened. “Wasn’t Bellamy with you guys?”

Harper removed herself from Clarke and walked to the edge of the crowd to stand up on her tiptoes. “Yeah. Where the hell did he go? I thought he was right behind me.”

* * *

Bellamy’s mind was surprisingly blank as he left the building. He barely registered the rain starting to sprinkle down. All he wanted was to get in his car, but once he had achieved that little goal, different emotions started to flood through him.

The first thing he felt was panic. As he turned the key in the ignition, he realized that he was leaving Clarke’s art show. _He_ was leaving _Clarke’s_ show. Even before they were officially friends, he had gone and he was pulling out of the parking lot without even looking at her new work.

The second thing he felt was anger. At himself. He was fucking leaving Clarke’s show.

For a second, he thought about going back, but then he thought about Lexa and the way Clarke had smiled at her and blushed. It was wrong and he knew it, but he felt oddly possessive of that blush. To see her look at someone else like that drove him crazy.

The third thing he felt was confusion. The way Lexa left had been bad. Clarke had recovered, but he knew she would always be affected by the way things ended between the two of them. There hadn’t been a lack of love, though, and if they got back together….

If they got back together, he would be happy for his friend. But his heart was falling to pieces in his chest. He thought they had been moving toward something, rather slowly, but the more he thought about it, the more he realized that Clarke felt inevitable. Whatever they could have had was being ripped away from him without a chance to become real.

By the time all of his unpleasant emotions had come back and settled in for the long haul, the rainfall had turned into a downpour. He had been driving for a few minutes with purpose, his only goal getting as far away as possible. Bellamy slowed his pace to accommodate for the heavy rainfall and searched the road for a street sign or somewhere he could pull over.

He wanted to turn around and go back. He needed to apologize for leaving and find some way to make it up to her. No matter what happened with her love life, he needed to be around her, and his behavior was inexcusable.

A sign finally appeared in the cone of light in front of him. Bellamy leaned forward to try and read it as another car blew through the stop sign to his left. He barely had time to register the oncoming headlights before the crash.

* * *

Clarke shifted awkwardly on her feet. No one had any idea where Bellamy had gone. Even after they adjourned to the lobby at the end of the exhibit, no one could find him. He was just gone. She stole Miller’s drink and tossed it back. Miller didn’t even protest. He just rolled his eyes and left to get a new one.

Octavia stormed up to the group and pulled Clarke to the side. “His fucking car is gone," she hissed. "If he doesn’t have a good excuse, I’m going to lose my fucking mind.”

Clarke’s heart sank. “Wait, he actually left?” She tried to say something else, but nothing would come out, so she closed her mouth.

Octavia frowned and tilted her head to the side. “Are you okay?”

“Um…. Yeah. He’s just….” Clarke hesitated and Octavia ran a hand up her arm. “You guys have been to all of my shows. I just can’t believe he left.”

“If he doesn’t have a good excuse….” Octavia trailed off with a growl.

“Is everything okay over here?” Raven slid up behind the two of them, causing them both to jump. “It looks like you’re about to murder everything Clarke loves.”

Before Clarke could say anything, Octavia interjected. “My brother is _actually_ gone. He _left_.”

Raven chewed on her lip for a moment and then winced. “Wait, did he see Clarke talking to Lexa earlier?”

“Why would he leave because I was talking to Lexa?!” Clarke let out in a strangled shout.

Her roommates shared a look that left Clarke a little tempted to kick both of them. Raven opened her mouth to speak when O’s phone started to ring.

“Oh, shit.” Octavia pulled her phone out of her purse and silenced it. “I forgot to turn it off.” But then she glanced down at the screen and her glare returned. She swiped to answer the call. “I have to take this. _Bellamy Blake_ , you had better have a fucking good—” Octavia cut off and went completely pale. Clarke reached out to steady her at the same time as Raven. It felt like Clarke’s heart was going to pound out of her chest. “Where is he?” Octavia gripped Clarke’s arm tightly. It felt like hours before Octavia hung up her phone and shakily deposited it back in her purse. When she looked up, her eyes were watery. “Bell was in an accident. We have to go.”

Clarke nodded and Raven immediately gathered everyone else. Wells sorted the group into carpools, putting Clarke and Octavia in Lincoln’s truck. Even when she protested, Wells insisted that neither of them would be able to drive.

Lincoln held O’s hand the entire ride there and Octavia let the story out in small doses. It was raining so hard that a car had hydroplaned through a stop sign and hit the driver’s side of Bellamy’s car. The only thing the EMT’s could tell her was that he was alive, but no one would know the extent of his injuries until he was done being checked out by a doctor. 

There was more, but Clarke stopped listening. It was too much for her to absorb. First, she tried to focus on taking off her heels and putting on the flats she kept in her purse, but that only took half a minute. Her stomach rolled suddenly. She leaned her head against the back of O’s seat, closing her eyes tight, willing away the nausea. Something brushed against her calf and she jumped, but it was just Octavia’s other hand. It was hard to tell which of them was gripping the other the tightest.

When they pulled into a spot, Clarke and O jumped out of the truck. Lincoln urged them ahead when they looked back at him and the two broke into a run immediately. They both practically slammed into the admissions desk.

“Bellamy Blake?” Octavia asked, winded. “Which room is he in?”

The nurse looked down the list in front of her and then eyed the two of them. “They're still running some tests. We can only have family back there right now.”

“I’m his sister.”

“I can take you back, but your friend is going to have to wait.”

Clarke inhaled sharply. Octavia glared at the nurse. “She’s our family.”

The nurse sighed and looked over Clarke with pursed lips. “I can really only take one of you back right now.”

“But—” Octavia started to protest.

Clarke stopped her by squeezing her hand and forced calmness into her voice. “O, go. Make sure he’s okay. I’ll wait for everyone else and let them know what's going on.”

Octavia hugged her tightly before she followed the nurse down the hall. Once they were out of sight, Clarke set her elbows on the desk and covered her face with her hands. It was hard to think. It was hard to breathe. The entire world was caving in around her and—

A huge hand closed over her shoulder and she forced herself to stillness. If she moved, she might start to cry. That was the last thing she wanted to do.

“Clarke, are you okay?” Lincoln’s question was cautious and the pressure of his hand remained steady.

She took a deep breath before she forced herself to stand up straight. When she turned to face him, his face softened. Before she could say anything, the rest of their friends came barreling down the hall. Lincoln stepped in front of her to manage questions as they all found seats in the waiting room. He rattled off the information O had given them in the car.

No, there was no new news.

Bellamy had a couple more tests to go through.

Yes, Octavia would probably be back there for the remainder of the tests.

No, no one else could go back and see him right now.

Yes, that explained why Clarke was out in the waiting room.

Clarke sat in silence between Wells and Miller. Wells had an arm slung across the back of her chair while Miller tapped his foot rapidly with his arms crossed, glaring into the distance. Jasper was kept distracted by the others, thanks to a deck of cards Harper pulled out of her purse.

Horrible things kept running through Clarke’s mind. Wells occasionally tried to engage her in conversation, but she was too busy imagining internal bleeding or a subdural hematoma to give him more than one-word answers. It didn’t matter that Bellamy wasn’t in the ICU. She was _certain_ there was something fatal the doctors would miss.

An hour later, Wells had joined in on a particularly loud game of ‘Go Fish’ and Miller was still trying to tap a hole into the floor. It was starting to drive Clarke a little insane. She had no idea how he still had the energy in his muscles to _do_ that. But when she turned her head, ready to snap, she noticed that the same expression was still glued to his face. Suddenly, she was grateful that someone else in the room was too worried to be distracted.

Clarke gently set a hand on his knee and the tapping ceased. He turned to look at her, his mouth in a tight line.

“Nate,” she said quietly, “he’s going to be okay.”

Miller rubbed his face, his nails digging in at the jawline. “We’ve just been here too many times the last couple years.” He opened his mouth to say something else, but words seemed to fail him.

“I know. This is—”

She was cut off as Miller jumped up. Clarke followed his gaze to see O striding into the waiting room and jumped up, too. Lincoln barely beat them both to her side. Octavia hugged him briefly before she stepped around him and smiled widely at the group.

“Bell’s okay.” Her voice was scratchy, like she’d been crying. Jasper cheered and Octavia grinned at him. “He’s got a sprained wrist, a couple broken—” Jasper booed and Wells snorted, which led to everyone except Miller and Clarke laughing. Octavia had to wipe her eyes before she could continue. “He’s got a sprained wrist, a couple broken ribs, a mild concussion, and he had to get a couple stitches. But the doctor says he’ll be okay.”

Jasper cheered again and Harper elbowed him. “When can we take him home?”

“They want to keep him overnight for observation, but we should be able to break him out tomorrow if the doctor likes what she sees.”

Clarke unconsciously grabbed Miller’s arm. He settled a hand over hers and squeezed.

“Can we go in and see him?” Jasper asked.

Octavia nodded and everyone started talking at once until Miller held up a hand. “Clarke goes in first.”

The others turned to stare at him for a moment before they seemed to shrug in unison and returned to their seats. Octavia jumped forward and linked her arm with Clarke’s before smiling at Miller. “You can come, too, you know.”

He stopped in his tracks and looked back. “Are you sure?”

When Octavia nodded again, he glanced at Clarke, silently asking for permission. She rolled her eyes before holding her hand out and he half-jogged to meet them. Clarke squeezed his hand and pulled him in so she could put her arm around his waist. She almost laughed when he tensed up before throwing his own arm around her shoulders. Miller wasn’t particularly affectionate, compared to their other friends, but she thought in situations like this, he needed it as much as she did.

The three of them didn’t talk much as they took the short walk down the hall. There wasn’t much to say. But if they had been talking, Clarke would have lost all ability to speak when she saw Bellamy in that hospital bed; the brace on his left wrist; the IV extending from the back of his right hand; the bruise blooming where she had kissed him on Christmas Eve; the butterfly bandage covering the stitches on his left cheekbone. Each new detail she noticed was another knife in her gut.

But then she met his eyes. They were clinging to her like she wasn’t flanked by his sister and his best friend. His breaths were coming in shallow bursts, his eyes tight at the corners, and she could see a little sweat on his brow.

“Clarke,” he exhaled.

Bellamy's voice, his voice was like music, she decided, and it broke whatever ties were holding her back. She practically flew across the room and threw her arms around his neck. He let out a groan even though his arms closed around her tightly. She whispered his name into his hair and tightened her grip.

“Oof. Clarke. That’s a little—” He inhaled sharply. “Broken ribs.”

“Oh, god.” She pulled back. He stopped her from moving back further by sliding his hands down her arms and gripping her elbows. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. Don’t worry. The pain meds just haven’t kicked in yet.”

Up close, she could count his stitches. There were seven. Suddenly, her chest felt hollow and she was flooded with anger. She smacked him on the shoulder with the back of her hand. “What the fuck, Bellamy?”

“What the fuck, what?”

“I think she’s trying to find out what was so important that you had to leave without telling anyone.” Miller’s voice startled Clarke. She gently extracted her arms from Bellamy’s grasp and stood up to include him.

Bellamy sighed. “I just…. I don’t know, okay?”

Miller carefully set a hand on Bellamy’s upper arm. Clarke waited for him to call Bellamy out, but it didn’t come. “Dude, I’m just glad you’re okay.”

“Thanks, man. And thanks for not punching me.” He glared at Clarke and Miller smiled for the first time since they got there.

“I’ll at least wait until you’re all healed up. And then you won’t get out of that explanation, by the way.”

* * *

It quickly became apparent that Clarke wasn't going to leave. Miller led Octavia out of the room to let a couple more of their friends go in. Clarke was too busy to notice, double checking _everything_ from his chart to the stitches on his face. 

Having Clarke so far in his personal space was overwhelming, but he took the opportunity to soak it in. Tears pricked her eyes as her fingers danced along his cheek to count his stitches for what he was sure was the hundredth time. She murmured under her breath as she quadruple-checked the brace on his wrist.

Bellamy wondered how much she actually knew about what she was doing. There was the fact that she volunteered at the clinic regularly and had shadowed her mom at work since she was a child. Still, she had no official training, he couldn’t bring himself to protest the attention. Lincoln raised an eyebrow at him when he entered the room and Bellamy could barely even shrug. Between the pain and Clarke practically sitting in his lap, he couldn’t move much.

Everyone trickled in and out, except for her. At one point, O was out in the lobby saying goodbye to Monty, who had an early morning. Miller had taken her spot in the chair and propped his feet up on Bellamy’s bed after stealing his Jell-O. Raven snuck in shortly after and convinced Clarke that Bellamy absolutely needed some junk food from the vending machine.

At first, he was confused, but then Raven turned to face him with her hands on her hips as soon as Clarke left. “Dude, what the fuck?”

Bellamy groaned. “Why does everyone keep ‘what the fuck’ing at me?”

Raven plopped into Clarke’s old spot on his bed and tapped his wrist brace. “How are you going to take care of yourself at home, Blake? You’re a mess and you’re not going to have our favorite princess hovering over you every second to pick up the slack.”

“Hey!” Miller yelled, throwing the empty Jell-O cup at her.

“Yeah, I’m perfectl—”

“Fine. You uh, want to stand up and reach for something for me?”

Bellamy glared at her and lifted his arm. His victory was shortlived as the pain in his ribs increased and he dropped his arm too fast, wincing at the pain.

Raven patted him on the knee with a smug smile. “Told you. You’re going to be so screwed when you go home.”

“He’ll come home with us,” Clarke said as she popped back into the room, clutching a bag of Cheetos under her arm. She ducked under the spoon Miller threw at her and shooed Raven out of her spot. “I’ll sleep on the couch until you’re feeling better.” Bellamy could practically hear the jaws drop around the room. Clarke narrowed her eyes at all of them, mildly offended. “Why is everyone staring at me?”

“I can’t let you do that.” Bellamy wanted to go home with her. It would make his month, hell, his year. He wanted to say more, explain more, but he couldn’t stop staring at her. Every time she said something like that, he couldn’t believe his initial impression of her, because she was easily the most caring, amazing, beautiful person he had ever met.

“I do _not_ want Bellamy living in my house for four to six weeks!” Raven half-shouted, breaking him out of his reverie.

“Thanks, Raven, you’re such a doll,” Bellamy said with a grin.

“I can get stuff off of the high shelves for him!” Miller shouted, standing up and crossing his arms.

The look on Clarke’s face, having missed the earlier exchange, was priceless, but Bellamy’s laughter was cut short by a stabbing pain in his side. Clarke jumped up to check on him while Raven almost fell over laughing at the other end of the room.

An hour later, he wasn’t entirely sure how, but Raven and Lincoln finally managed to pull Clarke away. Her leaving was less than ideal for him, but Bellamy was ready to go to sleep and he wasn’t sure if he could do that with Clarke in the room. When Octavia came back in, she looked like she was ready to pass out, too.

Bellamy frowned at her. “I thought you were going home with them.”

“I’m not letting you stay alone in a creepy hospital.” She was quiet as she moved the two chairs to face each other, chewing on her lip. “I just had to make sure Clarke actually got in the car.”

“What do you mean?”

“I caught her at the nurse’s station insisting that more than one person was supposed to be allowed to stay the night if it was family.”

Bellamy’s twisted that word, _family_ , around in his head. The whole night had been a bundle of mixed signals and he hadn’t even gotten the courage to ask her what happened with Lexa. But Clarke had been there with him, not out with Lexa. He thought that meant something and it did. It meant that they were family and he didn’t know what that meant to Clarke.

When he glanced back at O, she was watching him carefully. “What?”

“Nothing, big brother. Just….” She trailed off, chewing on her lip again.

He hated when she did that. It meant she was plotting something. “Spit it out, O.”

Octavia scoffed. “Fine. I knew you had a crush on her, but I never realized it was this bad.”

“What are you talking about?” Bellamy fought to force down his panic.

“Please.” Octavia rolled her eyes. “I saw your face when Clarke walked in here. How long did it take for you to notice that Miller and I were here, too?”

He closed his mouth tightly, his cheeks burning, and he couldn’t respond. Octavia shot him a triumphant look from under the blankets in her makeshift bed.

“It took at least two minutes. _At least_.”

“It did not.”

“Did too.”

Before he could respond, the nurse popped her head into the room and switched the light off without warning. “Come on, you two. It’s time for you both to get some rest.”

Bellamy and Octavia stifled their laughter and he was grateful for the interruption. The last thing he needed was to try and explain everything he felt for Clarke.

“The EMTs told me you were delirious when they picked you up, you know,” O whispered in the dark.

“Get off it, O. Nothing I said while I was half-unconscious counts.”

“Okay, so it didn’t mean anything when you said you deserted someone and how this whole thing was payback for hiding your feelings. And you didn’t ask them to turn the ambulance around, because you needed to go back.”

Bellamy frowned, even though he knew she couldn’t see it in the dark. He stayed silent and she didn't push further. Once his mind was less clouded by pain meds, he might be able to convince Octavia to leave it alone. If she waited for everyone to leave before teasing him about that, it meant she probably wouldn't say anything to anyone else. That was enough to satisfy him for the time being.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise they're done going to the hospital now. 3 times in one fic is enough. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH, ERIN. (I'm in a really weird and excitable mood today, so I can't turn off my capslock sometimes.)
> 
> Chapter notes: I guess that Lincoln has a truck with back seats. Originally, I pictured it as kind of an older, beat up truck, but I needed him to be able to drive them here. So, he's got an upgrade. Maybe his parents are well off, lol.


	60. Chapter 60

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay listen, medical treatment isn't my area of expertise. I read a lot about how fractured ribs are treated while writing (and then again while editing) this chapter. What's written below isn't really the advised way to treat them, but I needed to take some artistic license, okay? Let me live. You won't even mind that it's moderately inaccurate anyway, I promise. Or you might. But I don't. (Okay I do a little, but I needed this, okay? I'm very self conscious about this now.)
> 
> ONTO THE CHAPTER.

When Bellamy refused to go home with them, Clarke followed him home instead. Hiding from his feelings was easier said than done when she would barely leave his apartment. She was there in the morning, in between her classes, and even stopped by to make him dinner most nights. After the second night he found her sleeping on the couch, he thought he could convince her to leave by reminding her that she had finals soon. She was barely gone for an hour when she showed up again with the rest of her books and took over the coffee table.

Harper regarded the whole thing with a quiet amusement that she refused to explain. Miller, however, was more than a little offended by Clarke’s constant presence. One morning, she overheard Miller’s muttering, so she sat him down. When she pointed out that it wasn’t _Miller_ that she didn’t trust, it was _Bellamy_ , because he wouldn’t ask for help if he needed it, they worked out _shifts_. Bellamy was stuck listening from the couch. They ignored him no matter how much he protested.

Really, it wasn’t the smothering he had to endure from them that was the worst part. The worst part was how whenever Clarke was ‘on shift’, she was almost always in his personal space. Sometimes, she was barely within three inches of his face and it drove him crazy. She would show up in the morning to change the wraps on his wrist and ribs, removing the bandages before his shower and putting them back on before he got dressed.

After a few days, it was harder to convince himself that he imagined the way her fingers would linger on his bare skin as she worked with the wraps or the way he heard her breath catch when he would shrug out of his shirt or the way she would blush until he was fully clothed again.

Two weeks after the accident, Bellamy’s wrist usually felt okay, the stitches were taken out of his cheek and the cut had mostly healed, but his ribs still hurt like a bitch. It had been easier to wear button-ups all the time (they were much easier to get on and off), but he wanted to get another reaction out of Clarke so he could work on gauging her feelings. Getting a t-shirt over his head had been… a challenge. It only took twenty minutes, though, and he thought it would be worth the pain.

Clarke showed up almost immediately after Miller and Harper had left for the day. Bellamy sat on the couch with his feet propped up on the table, still in sweats, because he didn’t want to be _too_ obvious. He heard Clarke scoff behind him and looked up to find her glaring down at the back of his head.

“Um, what are you wearing?”

Her reaction was almost exactly what he had hoped for. He couldn’t hide his grin. “That kind of dirty talk is usually more effective over the phone.” He tried to set his hands behind his head casually, but it pulled at his ribs, so he gave up.

Clarke scoffed again as though she noticed his fumble and moved around the couch. “Shut up, Bellamy.” Her bag dropped heavily on the floor and she sat down next to him, pulling her phone out of her purse. “Apparently, Miller and I need to have a discussion about you dressing yourself.”

Bellamy leaned over and snaked the phone out of her hand. “I am a twenty-six-year-old man, Princess. I can dress myself.”

She grabbed her phone back. “Obviously you can’t.”

“Isn’t it time to swap out my wrap so I can shower?” He tried to take her phone again, but she raised it above her head and leaned back.

“Fine.” She smirked at him as she dropped her phone back into her purse. “Take off your shirt.”

Bellamy winced, remembering how hard it had been to get the shirt on in the first place. He smiled weakly. “Can you help? This was sort of difficult to get on.”

Clarke rolled her eyes, but smiled and gestured for him to stand with her. As soon as she set her hands at the base of his shirt, she _definitely_ started to blush. It started along her cheekbones, then it hit the tops of her ears, and Bellamy felt his own face flush in return. He was grateful that she was too busy studying his torso to notice.

In the end, it was just as painful to get the shirt off as it had been to get it on in the first place, but it was much more satisfying. He was grateful for the pain, because it allowed him to focus on her movements instead of how she felt. The way she blushed, the way her fingers trailed along his skin, the way the almost non-existent space between them hummed all had him in a dangerous place, but he enjoyed the way she gently maneuvered his arms to try to avoid causing him more pain. The way she kept muttering under her breath about ‘just cutting the fucking thing off’ gave him images of ripped clothing and… and he had to stop that line of thought, even if it made the whole thing worth the pain.

The night before, he had planned to say something witty if she started blushing, but words failed him as she gently fixed his hair, a slight frown appearing on her face. Concern colored her face as the blush disappeared and he could only watch, savoring her light touch as she worked at the bandage around his chest and waist. She frowned harder with each revealed inch of the purple and yellow bruise and he wanted to make her feel better. He hated being something that made her sad and he wanted to try to make a joke, see her laugh, because that was better.

“Okay,” she spoke before he had a chance. “Get in the shower and I’ll start making some french toast. Sound good?”

Bellamy nodded, flexing his hands instead of touching her as she lingered in his space. When she still hadn’t moved, he grinned at her. “You sure you don’t want to come and help with my pants, too?”

Clarke laughed, even though he could see her blush start to appear again. “No. Now go away. You smell bad.”

He pouted at her until she laughed again and pushed him toward the bathroom. Even if a part of him wouldn’t mind the help with the jeans, the joke had served its purpose of breaking the tension. Before he closed the bathroom door, he could hear her humming in the kitchen while she grabbed things out of the cupboards.

Bellamy showered as quickly as he could, eager to get back out and soak up some more of her time. He threw a towel around his waist to run to his room for new clothes. As he threw on a button-up shirt, he toyed with the buttons for a moment before he opted to leave it open.

His confidence in his theory that _maybe_ she might have a crush on him soared when she set a place down in front of him with exactly the right amount of syrup and powdered sugar, even though she frowned at him again.

“I’ll go grab my stuff so I can wrap you back up. Why didn’t you call me into the bathroom?”

“Come on.” He grabbed her hand before she could get past him, pulling her to a halt. “I can survive for fifteen more minutes without that stupid bandage.”

Clarke eyed him again. “Can we at least button your shirt? Even temporarily?”

“No way.” He squeezed her hand before he dropped it and turned back toward his plate. “You know I’m a messy eater. Now eat, Princess You’re too damn skinny.”

She rolled her eyes, but he thought she looked pleased. They ate in silence. Bellamy would have made conversation about the day ahead of them, but anything she ever made for breakfast was way too good to be interrupted by words. It was too good to be bothered with walking all the way to a table.

Once their plates were empty and in the sink, he followed her obediently and sat down on the couch again. She frowned and blushed simultaneously when he shrugged out of his shirt, but made quick work of covering the offending bruise.

“Can I ask you something?” she asked as she knotted the bandage by his sternum and tested to make sure it wasn’t too tight.

“You know you can ask me anything.”

“You never told me why you left that night.”

Bellamy blinked, nervous. “That isn’t really a question.”

Clarke sat down on the coffee table and started packing up her bag again. “Why did you leave, Bellamy?”

The hurt leaked into her voice and Bellamy’s heart twisted, but he hesitated in his seat. She had finished packing up, but she wasn’t looking at him. He suddenly felt stupid and immature, because he hadn’t apologized. He’d just used the situation to try to figure things out, because he thought she might…. The air left his lungs when she finally looked up at him, eyes were red and watery.

“We were looking for you, you know. When we got the call.”

“O mentioned that,” Bellamy said quietly.

“Why did you leave?”

“Why does it matter?” He didn’t know why he couldn’t just apologize, but the words wouldn’t come out.

“Because I missed you!” Bellamy jumped back at her shout. Clarke’s fists clenched around the strap of her bag and she closed her eyes tightly. “I wanted… you disappeared for a month—”

“School got busy. I texted you every single day.”

“For a month! It went from seeing you every day… hanging out and doing homework together and getting takeout and watching movies to nothing. Overnight! And then the next time I saw you, you were in….” Her voice cracked and she trailed off, covering her face with her hands.

Of course, she was angry. Bellamy felt sick. He was angry at himself for being so nonchalant about a car crash, thinking he could brush it off and make things better when she felt that way. He pushed himself off of the couch to kneel in front of her, setting one hand on her knee and brushing her hair back behind her ear with the other. “Hey. Clarke. Hey, I’m okay.”

Even though she leaned into his touch, she refused to look at him. “I can see that.” She sniffed. “But don’t you get what it was like for me. And for Octavia?”

“Clarke, I’m so so—”

“Bellamy, don’t apologize. Just tell me why. Stop evading the question, because the more you do, the more I think you left because of me.”

“I did,” fell out of him in a whisper before he could stop it.

Her head whipped up. “What?”

Bellamy couldn’t look at her. He settled both hands on her knees, then slid them down to her calves as he searched for the words. “I saw you talking to Lexa.”

“So you left.”

“We all know she’s not my biggest fan.” He pulled his hands away to run them through his hair, leaning back on his heels. “I didn’t want to ruin it if you guys were getting back together.” He paused, but Clarke didn’t say anything, so the words kept falling out. “Are you guys? Getting back together, I mean. She can’t be happy that you’re over here helping me all the time. I mean, she hates me.”

Clarke still didn’t say anything, so he glanced up to see her staring at him, face unreadable. Her mouth opened and closed a few times before any words came out. “I’m not…. Are you jealous?”

For a moment, it looked like she might laugh and Bellamy could feel his ears heating up. “No. No way. I just don’t want to see you get hurt again, okay?”

“Really? You don’t want to have to paint my nails again, right?”

“What? No. I’d do—That’s not the point, Clarke. The whole thing—”

“I know what the whole thing was.” She sighed. “It was disappointing and I wish it had turned out differently.”

“So, you’re giving the relationship another chance?”

“That’s not what I said.”

All of the different possibilities spun through Bellamy’s head and it almost gave him a headache. “So, you’re _not_ giving it another chance.”

“Lexa wasn’t asking for another chance, Bellamy. She wanted to get coffee and catch up. We’ve been emailing for a while.” Bellamy narrowed his eyes and she rolled hers in response. “Sometimes exes are friendly.”

Bellamy scoffed. “No, they’re not.”

“What about Finn and Raven?”

“Fluke. They’ve known each other since they were kids. He’s her family and she can’t exactly get rid of him. Next.”

Clarke crossed her arms. “You and Gina are friends.”

“That’s another fluke. And we’re _friendly_ , not friends. We don’t hang out on our own. Next.”

“I don’t get you!” She threw her hands up in the air. “Why are we arguing about this? What are you _doing_?”

“Damn it, Clarke. It was stupid. I overreacted and I left and it was raining too hard for that guy to stop in time. I know you don’t want to hear it, but I’m _sorry_. I’m sorry that I hurt you and that I didn’t get to be there for you, because I’m _supposed_ to be there for you. All the time. The whole thing was fucked up and it was _my_ fault, not yours. I missed you so much and when I saw you talking to her, I got scared. I did something stupid.”

She blinked at him, her brow furrowed. “You missed me?”

“God, really?” He surged back up onto his knees and ran his hands up her arms. “Of course I did. I… you’re my best friend. I _hated_ not seeing you.”

She grabbed onto his sleeves, gripping them tightly so he couldn’t sit back without pulling her down, too. “So tell me why you did it. What did I do wrong? Were you avoiding me?”

Bellamy had no idea why she wouldn’t drop it. He didn’t know how to answer her question without giving away his feelings, so he waited. He expected her to fill the silence, but she just stared at him, waiting him out instead. The longer the silence stretched, the sadder she looked. The more scared she looked.

But then her gaze flicked down toward his lips and time stopped. He glanced down as she licked her lips. When he looked into her eyes again, fear had been replaced by something else. Maybe confusion, maybe curiosity, he couldn’t decide. It was one of the first times he felt like he had no idea what was on her mind, so when she glanced down at his lips again, every coherent thought deserted him.

Only a few inches separated them. He didn’t have to lean forward much to kiss her. It was careful, barely a brush of the lips, because as he did it, the only thought he could grasp onto was that she would absolutely kick his ass if he read the situation wrong. And she tensed up, so he started to pull away, ready to apologize again, but then her hands were in his hair and she pulled him back.

Her kiss was almost as cautious as his had been. Her lips were soft and everything else he had ever felt in his life was suddenly nothing by comparison. He wanted more. He wanted everything. _She_ was everything and nothing else mattered. His hands moved to cup her face of their own volition and he tilted his head, just barely, but it was enough to deepen the kiss. It pulled a small moan from Clarke, which killed any sense of self control he had, because it couldn’t be real. He needed to be closer. He slid his hands down her back, over her hips, down her legs. When they reached her knees again, he pulled her into his chest.

Too hard. The sudden contact hurt and he winced. It was enough to break Clarke out of whatever reverie she had been in and she jumped up from the table so fast that she bumped into him again. He fell back onto his ass and she slung her bag over her shoulder.

“Clarke—”

“Bellamy, don’t. This was….”

He jumped up and stepped in front of her, pulling his hands back when she flinched away. “Clarke, please. Talk to me about this.”

She rubbed her face with her hands as tears welled up in her eyes again. “I can’t. You want to talk about flukes? _That_ was a fluke.”

It took all of his self-control not to reach out to her again. Instead, he tried to keep himself together while his heart fell apart in his chest, because she had _kissed him back_ and he didn’t understand what was happening. He didn’t understand why she was changing her mind. “If it was a fluke, why did you kiss me back?”

“It was a mistake. You’re my best friend and I missed you and it was a mistake, okay?”

Bellamy stared into her eyes. The fear and pain that he felt was running through Clarke as well and he knew in that moment that if he pushed, he might never get to kiss her again, so he stepped to the side and flinched when the door slammed shut.

“It wasn’t a mistake,” he muttered to the empty room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You didn't really think it was going to be that easy, did you?


	61. Chapter 61

Things between Clarke and Bellamy had been… strained. Her inability to sleep didn’t help (it made her snappy), but every time she closed her eyes, that kiss was all she could feel. It didn’t matter that she had been wondering what it would be like for months, maybe even years, because confronted with the reality that they had feelings for each other, she couldn’t handle it. She didn’t trust herself around Bellamy anymore.

The safest way to handle the situation was to ensure that they always had a buffer. If Miller and Harper were already going to be gone, she’d drag _anyone_ else along. Clarke knew she was projecting her awkwardness. She hadn’t said anything about the kiss and Bellamy clearly hadn’t, either, or their friends would have tried to force them into a conversation. Still, the longer they went without talking about it, the worse it got.

The morning his wrist brace had turned into a cast overnight, she wanted to yell at him. And Miller. But she refrained. Both of them _insisted_ that it wasn’t important how it happened, which she knew meant they were doing something stupid. They’d admit to what happened if she pushed, but she was so angry that she didn’t want to know.

His ribs were starting to feel better, at least. So, he’d have to live with a cast instead of a brace for several weeks. It was one less wrap she needed to help with and that meant she could get in and out of the apartment faster. She settled for shooting him a ‘you should have known better’ look and received a ‘well, you weren’t here to stop me’ shrug in return.

Surprisingly, Octavia was the first to notice that there was something wrong after a couple of weeks. Clarke had expected it to be Wells or Miller, but O was willing to go with her more often than she expected.

Clarke only had a few hours of sleep the night before, but instead of making her cranky, she felt sad. She tried to make polite conversation as she changed his wrap, but as soon as she met Bellamy’s eyes, everything she was going to talk about felt inadequate. Her sadness was mirrored there and it hurt. He made a few attempts to speak, but would go quiet as soon as he remembered Octavia was there.

Clarke could feel O staring at her the entire time they were at Bellamy’s place. When they left, Clarke tried to hug him to make it seem like things were normal and he almost fell out of his chair. While they were walking home, Clarke could see Octavia thinking. Dread settled over her while she waited for the inevitable. She focused on staring ahead. It wasn’t until they had walked a few blocks that Octavia broke the silence.

“So….” Clarke could feel O staring at her again.

“Yes, O?” Clarke stayed focused on the sidewalk.

“Why are things so weird with you and Bell right now?”

Clarke swallowed. “What do you mean?”

Octavia elbowed her. “I mean, you guys are being weird. You’re not even arguing. He’s barely calling you Princess. You’re both being so… polite. It’s _weird_.”

“I don’t know what was in your cereal this morning, but Bellamy and I are fine.”

“So, hosting movie night next week isn’t going to be a big deal?”

“You know I love movie nights. Why would it be a big deal?”

Octavia scoffed. “Never mind. I hate you, sometimes.”

“Not nice.”

Octavia scoffed again, but they walked the rest of the way home in silence.

Talking to O about everything was tempting. Everything she felt about Bellamy was so confusing, but any time they were along, the words wouldn’t come. Instead, she tried to take out her frustrations by painting or drawing, but her ceramics class had taken every ounce of her creative energy. She knew she was messy, but working with clay drove that fact home effectively. Anything she missed caked onto her skin. Behind her ear, the small of her back… she didn’t even know how it got in some of those places.

As she drove home the next Friday, she could feel clay caking into her arm hair. It kind of hurt and she needed to clean up before her friends arrived. But when she got inside, she stopped dead in the hallway. Bellamy was sprawled across her couch reading a book. The cast on his wrist looked thinner, white instead of gray. She could hear O and Raven arguing in the kitchen over the right way to put pizza in the oven, so she tried to force the tension out of her shoulders.

“They had to change your cast?” She hoped her voice sounded casual.

Bellamy jumped, then let the book fall to his chest when he looked up with that stupidly disarming grin. “Yeah. I guess the swelling went down too much or something. Doc says I should be able to get it removed for good in a few weeks, but I have to promise not to bake cookies with Miller ever again.”

Clarke rolled her eyes and dropped into a chair across from him. “Didn’t I tell you that I don’t want to know what happened? I mean, how do you break your wrist trying to bake cookies anyway?”

He laughed and her heart clenched, because it was so _normal_. “What can I say? I’m gifted.” But then he looked her up and down and she swallowed hard. Not normal. “What’s with the… what is that on your arm?”

Clarke looked down and it was her turn to laugh. “That stupid ceramics class I decided I needed? I can draw, I can paint, but I’m shit at this. More clay ends up on me than anywhere else and everything I try to make looks like a….”

She trailed off, because he was staring. When he realized she had stopped speaking, he blinked and met her eyes. “You, uh… need some help cleaning that up?”

It wasn’t a new suggestion. It could even be considered an inside joke, but there was no humor in his tone. Her breath caught in her throat and for a minute, she was actually tempted to drag him upstairs. The kiss had been haunting her dreams, which she couldn’t say out loud, because it sounded cliché. But she had literally dreamt about nothing else, except what might have happened if she hadn’t panicked and stopped everything. If the blush on his cheeks meant anything, it was that he was thinking about exactly the same thing.

Clarke had to clear her throat before she could speak. “I’m good. You know. I mean, you shouldn’t get your cast wet anyway.” He frowned and opened his mouth, probably to apologize, but she couldn’t let him start talking, because his voice was too much to handle. “I’m going. I mean, I’m going to clean up. I’ll be back. In a few minutes. Stay here.”

She practically ran up the stairs and barely stopped herself from slamming the bathroom door shut. It took a few moments to get her breathing under control and a few more after that to feel like her body wasn’t on fire. Clarke scrubbed at her arm a little harder than necessary and then decided to change her clothes, because she knew herself. If she had clay on her arms, there was a good chance it was somewhere on her shirt, too.

By the time she felt prepared enough to face him again, her box of pens and markers tucked under her arm, she could hear a few more voices in the living room. Raven was in the kitchen with Roan, one of her coworkers who Clarke had only met a few times. Octavia was on argument alert, because Raven didn’t know how to have a crush on a guy without yelling at him, apparently. Miller and Wells had settled on the couch with Bellamy and Jasper and Monty had taken up most of the other couch.

Bellamy met her eyes carefully and she smiled, trying to tell him that they were fine. In another attempt to make sure he knew, she shoved herself between him and Wells, because it would have looked strange to everyone if they didn’t sit next to each other. Wells glared at her, stubbornly refusing to move, so she threw her legs over Bellamy’s lap and pulled his cast into hers. He watched her warily as she stuck her tongue out at Wells, who _knew_ the rules (she didn’t understand why he had taken her spot anyway), before throwing Miller a small smile.

Once they were settled, Wells tapped on her marker box. “I remember when I broke my arm in seventh grade. My cast didn’t have enough room for anyone else to sign after Clarke got through with it.”

“I could suffer worse fates, I suppose,” Bellamy said with a smile, his voice a little rough.

Clarke looked up at him again in time to see him glance down at her lips and she had to force herself to look away. If she tried to hold eye contract, it would make their current position between Miller and Wells even more uncomfortable. For everyone.

When Raven started the movie, Clarke focused on outlining her sketch on Bellamy’s wrist. She could feel him watching her more than the movie. Seventeen days ago, she would have been able to convince herself that it didn’t mean anything. It wasn’t so easy anymore. Even if she could pretend to fall back into old habits around their friends, it was still painfully obvious that she couldn’t avoid a conversation about what happened forever.

* * *

Clarke was ready to make fun of Raven when Roan followed Bellamy out and she stared a little too long, but that girl had the weirdest ability to snap back and forth between dreamy and alert. Before Clarke could say anything about six packs or hate sex, Raven spun around to point at her. “What the hell is going on with you and Bellamy?”

Clarke jumped back. “What is it with you and O and that question? What is going on that you guys think is so weird?”

Raven glared at her. “Come on. He looks even more like a lost puppy when he looks at you than he usually does. And you’re jumping out of your skin every thirty seconds, which is also how often you’re finding excuses to touch each other other.”

Clarke scoffed, but it came out more like a sputter. “You’re… I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Don’t pull that shit with me. I think something happened and now you’re freaking out.”

“Oh, like you’re freaking out about having a crush on Roan, so you’re taking it out on me?”

Raven grinned. “So, you admit you have a crush on Bellamy?”

“You’re admitting you have a crush on Roan?”

They stared at each other for a moment before Raven took a step back and crossed her arms. “I guess we’re at an impasse. But I’m watching you, Griffin. I. Am. Watching you.”

Clarke didn’t recover until Raven was almost all the way up the stairs. “You have to trust someone again eventually, Reyes!”

Raven didn’t even look back. “So do you, Princess!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, when I first started this, I had different plans for Raven. My plans for her have actually changed a lot. I was thinking about having her hook up with Wells, but I honestly kind of started accidentally writing it like Harper and Wells were spending a lot of time together and lowkey ship that? About as much as I lowkey ship Ice Mechanic? Anyways, I'm not sure in what capacity Roan is working with Raven, but they're coworkers. Maybe his mom owns the business or something. ANYWAY yeah, I may condense the next two chapters out if I can't get one of them fleshed out a little more, so we're looking at the number going down to 66. It's looking like it'll be better that way though. Less filler and more of the content we're all looking for.
> 
> But yeah, thanks to all of you for reading and the response to the last chapter blew my mind. You're all amazing. If you aren't hanging out with me on [Tumblr](http://ilovethisship.tumblr.com/) already, you should be!


	62. Chapter 62

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! So, I actually condensed chapter 63 into this one (in the beginning, if you'd believe it!) because it was too short and I couldn't extend it for the life of me. But now we have a 3000 word chapter instead of a 2000 word chapter, so I hope that makes up for the chapter count decreasing again!

It was time to take his cast off too soon. Bellamy had grown fond of the cartoon Roman war Clarke had created. It was silly, but having it with him every day was almost a reminder that there was hope for them. After all, she took the time to draw something amazing. People didn’t do that for just anyone.

In the end, he went the less obvious route and settled for taking a few pictures of it on his cell phone.

Octavia seemed to be even more excited than he was to celebrate his freedom from cast and bandages. She wanted to set up an _easy_ hike, because she knew his ribs still hurt a bit if he exerted himself too much. It took a couple days for him to relent. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to go on the hike, but Clarke was still avoiding any one-on-one conversations, so he was a little (constantly) annoyed.

Before the kiss, she would have called shotgun in his car. He almost called her out in front of everyone, but she announced loudly that she needed to ride with Raven and Roan so that they wouldn’t crash the car trying to kill each other or breaking down and finally making out. The statement hit a little too close to home for him, so he didn’t argue as Octavia, Lincoln, and Wells piled into his car instead. The others piled into two cars and then they were off.

That was the _first_ red flag. It was too many cars when no one had anywhere to be afterward, but they were already on their way and Bellamy was sure he was being paranoid.

Octavia had actually picked one of his favorite hikes; a three-and-a-half mile trail up to a waterfall. It was a hike he did on his own if he was in the mood for one and no one else could go. It was also one that he kept almost taking Clarke on, except it felt a little too romantic, so he always chickened out.

That was the _second_ red flag. He did his best to ignore the alarms blaring in his head by falling to the back of the group, but Wells noticed and followed. While Clarke had been avoiding Bellamy, Bellamy had actually been avoiding Wells. At least one-on-one. And he couldn’t exactly sprint to get ahead without looking suspicious, so he nodded as Wells joined him.

“Are you doing okay?”

Bellamy felt a flash of guilt. He nodded again, unsure how to justify himself when he usually led the way. “I’m just trying to take it easy. Clarke will lose it if I push myself too hard.”

Wells nodded and for a moment, Bellamy thought he was in the clear. Until he realized he opened the door to talk about Clarke. “Does this mean that you’re ready to talk about whatever’s been going on with you two?”

All guilt Bellamy felt disappeared. “I’ve told you too many times. We’re fine.”

“Yeah, you sure seem fine.”

“Well, I’m recovering from a car accident. I think I still have some leeway with feeling less fine than everyone else.”

Wells scoffed. “You know that isn’t what I mean.”

“And you know that I’m not going to talk about it.”

Wells stopped in his tracks. Bellamy tried to keep going, but Wells grabbed his arm. “Dude, you are one of my best friends and I’ve known Clarke since _before_ we were in diapers. I know when something’s up, especially when you’re both pulling this evasive shit.”

“I’m not being—”

“Bullshit. You’ve been miserable lately and you’re avoiding me. So is Clarke. And you’re avoiding each other. How am I not supposed to pick up on this?”

“I’m not avoiding Clarke. It’s the other way around,” Bellamy snapped before he could pull it together.

Wells raised his eyebrows. “Wow, you’re easier to break than I thought. I owe Octavia ten bucks.”

Bellamy rolled his eyes and started walking again, but Wells was right behind him.

“Listen, we all have our theories.” Bellamy turned to protest. Wells continued before he could say anything. “Really though, all I want to know is who I need to talk some sense into. Knowing her, I’d say you asked her out and she freaked, but I need confirmation and you know she’d never say anything.”

“You don’t need to talk sense into anyone.”

“Well, someone needs—”

“We can handle our own shit, Wells.”

Bellamy increased his pace a little, making his way through the group until he was at the front with Clarke again. She glanced at him and concern washed over her face. “Are you okay? Was this too much too soon?”

He couldn’t help but smile a little, but it was quick, because he was still annoyed. “I’m fine. We just have nosy friends.”

Clarke glanced back at the group and shook her head as she turned her attention back to the front. He thought he heard her mutter something about invasive assholes, but semi-awkwardness settled over them again. It was still better than walking with Wells.

The group made it to the waterfall without any additional forced conversations. Bellamy sat with Miller while Jasper tried to splash everyone who came near the river and Clarke hovered at the edge of the group. She had seemed wary since he started walking with her earlier and when Clarke was nervous, Bellamy was nervous, too.

Still, when Octavia suggested that everyone see the view from the top of the waterfall, it felt normal. Since Bellamy felt pretty good (physically, at least… emotionally was another story), there was no reason to say no. Of course, it should have been the _third_ red flag. Octavia needed Bellamy to lead the way, because he’d been on the hike multiple times and it felt _normal_ for Clarke to walk with him.

About halfway up the trail, Bellamy realized it was too quiet. All ambient chatter that had followed him most of the way through the wilderness was gone. He looked over at Clarke who seemed to be experiencing the same realization. They both turned around at the same time.

Bellamy tried to imagine a time in his life where the fact that all of their friends were _gone_ would have surprised him at least a little. It might have been funny a few months ago, but he was so sick of people trying to force him into action.

“We clearly need new friends,” Bellamy attempted to joke as he turned to Clarke. As soon as he spoke, her entire body tensed up, and he was angry again. “Why do you do that?”

“Do what?” Her voice was resigned and a little shaky.

“You can’t even be alone with me without freezing up.” It seemed impossible, but she tensed up more with every word he said. It was frustrating and it hurt and everything from the past few weeks wanted to spill out of him. “You won’t be alone with me and this feels broken, but then we’re in front of other people and you’re practically in my lap and—”

“We have _always_ been—”

“No, Clarke, it’s different! It’s different and you know it! You were fine until….” Bellamy realized he was yelling and trailed off. Clarke glared at him and spun rapidly to start walking down the hill. He hesitated for a moment before he followed her. As much as it pissed him off that Octavia or Wells or both had forced them into this situation, he couldn’t give up on the chance to finally talk. “Will you please just talk to me, Clarke? We need to fix this.”

She stopped and he almost slammed into her back. When she turned around, she gasped at the proximity and he took a quick step back. “Bellamy, just stop. Please. I want things to go back to normal.”

“But, they—”

“Don’t say they can’t! You are my best friend. Your sister is one of my best friends. Whatever this is that we’re feeling? It’s wrong and I refuse to jeopardize the group dynamic over a little crush. You guys are my _family_ , Bellamy. I can’t lose you, okay? It isn’t worth the risk!”

Bellamy stared down at her, at a loss for words as her last declaration rang through the forest. Clarke glared a challenge at him, daring him to tell her that she was wrong. There were too many things he wanted to say. He wanted to tell her that she would never lose him or Octavia or any of their friends if things didn’t work out, but the words wouldn’t come. It wasn’t because they weren’t true, but he knew she wouldn’t believe them.

Instead of saying anything, he brushed past her and started back down the trail. Slowly. He didn’t pick up the pace until he heard her footsteps behind him.

They walked back down the trail in silence. Ideas for romantic declarations came and went. Bellamy wanted to tell her that, at least for him, it wasn’t a ‘little crush’ and he had probably been half in love with her since they met. The way she stood up to him in a way no one else ever had… it had always been intriguing. And frustrating. But intoxicating.

The longer he put off trying to change her mind, the more closed off she became. By the time they made it to the parking lot, where of course only his car was left, he could almost see the walls she had built up again. She grumbled something not very flattering about his sister, but Bellamy didn’t protest. He was essentially in agreement, even if he would never vocalize it.

Bellamy put some music on to fill the silence as they drove. Clarke leaned her elbow on the window and stared out into the distance. When he pulled in at a gas station, she barely glanced over. His hand was on the door handle when she spoke. “I’m going inside to get something. Do you want anything?”

“Surprise me,” he mumbled.

She frowned, but left him alone. He set up the gas pump and then stepped away from the car to pull out his phone. Octavia answered before the first ring finished.

“ _I thought you two would be up there for a while.”_

“I cannot believe that you all ditched us like that, Octavia. _What_ were you thinking?”

_“You and Clarke have been acting weird for at least a month. You haven’t been stalking her while she’s working in her studio, she stopped studying at your place. We all agree it’s annoying, so we thought we’d get you into a situation where none of us were left to hide behind.”_

Bellamy pressed his fingers to his temple. “Seriously, O? This was fucked up.”

_“Did you guys at least talk?”_

“No! I mean, for five minutes, but no.”

_“Aaaaaaaand?”_

Bellamy groaned. Clarke wouldn’t talk to him; his friends were annoying…. Everyone and everything was pissing him off. He snapped, quietly. “Me kissing her was a mistake. She thinks of me as _family_ and she’s not going to ruin the group dynamic because I have a little crush on her, okay?!”

Octavia squealed so loudly that he had to pull the phone away from his ear for a moment. _“When the fuck did you kiss her, Bellamy Blake, and how could you not tell me?!”_

“Last month. And because it’s none of your business. Can you just let it go?”

_“I will never let this go. What did she say when you told her that it’s not a little crush?”_

Bellamy hesitated. If Lincoln was going to say anything to Octavia about that night at the hospital, he would have done it already. Maybe he was more transparent than he thought. “I didn’t say anything.”

_“Excuse me?!”_

“She doesn’t want this, O. If she did….” He trailed off when Clarke walked back out of the store. “I have to go, okay? Just… fucking drop it. This isn’t going to happen.”

He didn’t give her a chance to respond before he hung up the phone. After he printed his receipt and stuck it in his wallet, he climbed back into the car. Clarke wordlessly dropped a Twix, Cheetos, and a coke in his lap. It made his heart twist painfully, because of course she knew what snacks he liked on long drives. He didn’t understand how she could be so mad at him and _do_ these things. He risked a glance over at her, but she was already staring out the window again.

There was nothing else he could say to her, anyway. He had to wait for her to be ready to talk and until then, he had to try to be her friend. If she would let him. He just hoped she would be ready sooner rather than later.

* * *

Clarke was _livid_. It was possible that she had never been so angry in her life. The only person she wasn’t mad at was Bellamy, because at least he was as dumbfounded as she had been. But their friends? They could fuck right off.

The anger trickled away slowly as they got closer to her house. Or, at least, she turned it inward at herself. She was still annoyed, but there was no point in dwelling on it. All she really wanted by the time she muttered ‘thanks’ in her driveway was to be alone with her self-loathing.

All of the lights were off and she breathed a sigh of relief. There was no one to judge her and she could just crawl into bed with ice cream and binge something harmless on Netflix.

As she kicked off her shoes by the door, a lamp clicked on in the living room. Clarke almost fell over in the middle of getting her second shoe off. She frantically searched for a weapon, grabbing her shoe before she realized Octavia had been sitting in the fucking dark.

“Oh my god, O, don’t do that,” she squeaked, dropping her shoe and clutching her chest.

“You and I need to talk.” Octavia’s voice was steady in kind of a creepy, murderous way.

“Where’s Raven? Lincoln?”

“They took Roan to the bar to celebrate his first hike with us. You and I need to talk.”

“Don’t you have to practice for the senior recital?” Clarke was really tired of how panicked her voice sounded, but Octavia was freaking her out.

“Damn it, Clarke, just sit the fuck down.” Clarke’s eyes went wide and she dropped into the chair on the opposite side of the living room. “I can see the way you and Bell look at each other when you think the other one isn’t looking, okay? Even when you know the other one is looking. Fuck, it’s so adorable and depressing at the same time, it’s disgusting. Point is, I talked to Bell. He told me what you said and I think you’re stupid.”

“Excuse me?”

“Do you think you’re doing me some kind of favor ignoring your feelings?”

“What? No! I’m doing _all_ of us a favor.”

Octavia scoffed. “How is this a favor to all of us? The longer you pretend something isn’t there, the worse it gets. Or are you not paying attention? Bellamy is nearly unbearable to live with. Harper says Miller’s almost never home. Monty and Jasper used to go over there to play video games, but now it’s the other way around, and you _know_ how much he hates their apartment. Bellamy’s driving Raven up the wall. So are you, by the way. Monty and Jasper are scared to come around the two of you, because they’re apparently your children and they’re worried that you’re fighting.”

“Do you not see my point?”

“I am not finished. Wells is torn between wanting to slap some sense into both of you and trying to support the obvious emotional issues you both have. Lincoln feels awkward, because he’s always been closer to you than Bell, but he apparently knows something about all this.” Octavia gestured between Clarke and the window. “He won’t tell me, because he’s worried I’ll tell you and he doesn’t want you to be mad that he didn’t tell you himself. And if this finally blows up, he’s worried that he’ll have to pick sides and that I’ll be mad if he picks yours.”

“O, this is _exactly_ what I was talking about. Imagine if we dated and broke up. The entire group would fracture. Jasper would break and Monty would break trying to make him feel better. Wells and Bellamy are so close that I’m surprised we’re not having this conversation about _them_ , but Wells would follow me out of a misguided sense of loyalty and I can’t handle them losing each other. I’d never see Harper or Miller again. Lincoln would follow your lead and don’t you dare try to fight me on that. And I’d lose you and Bellamy. I’d lose my family, O, and I couldn’t handle that. You and Bellamy… you’re the only people I’ve always been able to rely on. Even when shit gets bad…. If something happened right now, he’d be over here in a heartbeat. He’s always been there for me and I can’t lose that.” Clarke covered her face with her hands. It was almost a relief to finally say the words.

Octavia sighed. Her face softened as she crossed the room and sat in the armchair with Clarke, wrapping her arms around her. “Hey. _When_ you two get your heads out of your asses and give it a shot, you need to know something. If things don’t work, you’re not going to lose me. Hell, you probably wouldn’t even lose him. Even if you broke his heart, you wouldn’t lose him. I’d be pissed at you for a while, because it would be totally awesome for us to legally be sisters, but I’m going to be angrier at you if you break his heart because you’re too scared to try. You’re our family, too, you know. You’re all we have left and that’s never going to change.”

Clarke hugged Octavia tightly, then wiped away her own unshed tears. “I need you to give me some time to figure this out, O. I can’t risk everything right now. It’s just…. The timing is off or something. I need to figure this out.”

Octavia frowned at her, but nodded. Clarke decided that meant she was free to go. She couldn’t hide forever, but she could at least hide for the rest of the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do I really only have four more chapters after this? Holy shit. I honestly can't believe it. 
> 
> The next one is finished (pending edits). Chapter 64 is about halfway done, but I've got lots of notes, so hopefully it won't be too hard to flesh out. Chapters 65 and 66 are still rough outlines and may take a little longer to get out. But finish line, here I come. I love all of you for sticking with this. I'm already trying to think of what to work on next. My life will feel kind of empty unless I can get another project going.


	63. Chapter 63

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All you guys motivated me to get these edits done as fast as possibly. You're amazing.

Clarke had the house to herself for the first time in over a week. Raven was working a night shift and Octavia was so busy planning for the senior recital that she hadn’t had any more chances to force a heart-to-heart with or about Bellamy.

All Clarke had done for the past couple weeks was think about their last conversation. It was driving her to distraction. When she sat down to try to paint or draw, nothing came out right. Even her ceramics class was turning out worse than usual and that was saying something.

To drown out the thoughts about how it might not be the end of the world if she asked Bellamy out on a date, an _actual_ date, Clarke found an upbeat playlist on Spotify and blasted it at full volume while she put dishes away. The chore devolved into a dance routine and she bounced and twirled between cabinets and the dishwasher in her pajama shorts and an old t-shirt that she used to paint in before it got too worn out.

She grabbed a mixing bowl off the top rack and went to spin her way over to the cabinet it belonged in when a figure in the doorway made her jump. It only took a second to realize that it was _Bellamy_ leaning against the doorframe, watching her with a small smile on his face, but her heart was still trying to beat its way out of her chest.

“Fuck, Bellamy, at least announce yourself next time.” Clarke was a little breathless. It was only partially because of the dancing.

“Don’t stop on my account,” he said, his smile growing into a grin.

She rolled her eyes. “Do you always creep up on women while they’re doing chores?”

“Only when they’re dancing.”

“Right.”

“I mean, you’re hot, so that helps, too.”

Clarke rolled her eyes again, so hard it hurt. It almost felt like old times, like maybe he was teasing her. “Smooth, Romeo.”

Bellamy pushed himself off of the doorframe and crossed the room to take the bowl away from her to set it in the cabinet. “I’m guessing there _isn’t_ a movie night tonight?”

Clarke tilted her head, watching him take over her job of putting the dishes away. “Who told you that we were having one?”

As soon as the question was out, she knew the answer. They both said, “Octavia,” in unison.

“She wanted to have a Star Wars marathon,” he added.

“Which movies?”

“All of them, I think.”

“How in the world did she think we would have time to watch seven movies in one night?”

He shrugged and set the last plate in the cabinet. When he turned to face her, she realized she had been staring at the way his shirt lifted to expose the smallest amount of skin when he reached up to put a plate away on a high shelf; the way it fit his shoulders too well. It did things to her that she had always tried to avoid thinking about. And she wanted… she wanted a lot of things. Most of all, she didn’t want him to leave.

“What’s going on in that brain of yours, Princess?” He smiled like he knew and thought it was the funniest thing in the world. His eyes drifted down to her legs and she realized that her shirt barely skirted the hem of her shorts.

Clarke busied herself with tying the hem of the shirt into a knot at her back, trying to not think about how cute he was when his cheeks flushed like that. “We could watch the movies anyway, if you want. I haven’t seen them in way too long.”

Bellamy didn’t say anything for a moment and Clarke started to panic. Because, what if he was acting so normal around her for once because he was over it? Over her? How could she have been thinking about ways to suck it up and ask him out while he was getting over her?

“If you want, I mean,” she said to fill the silence. “I’d like to watch the original ones again, but you don’t have to stay.”

He still didn’t say anything, but he started to walk toward her and she backed away until she hit the counter. There was less than two inches of space between them. His eyes flicked down to her lips. It was barely noticeable, but Clarke was pretty sure she could hear her heart pounding.

“What are you doing, Bellamy?” she asked breathlessly.

“Making popcorn.” He tore his eyes away from hers and reached into the cabinet behind her to grab a bowl before he turned and walked toward the pantry. “We’re not going to talk about anything, but we can eat a shit-ton of popcorn so that O has to go buy more if she wants any. Payback for her trying to force a conversation, right?”

Clarke could only nod as she recovered from the sudden lack of his presence, although she did allow herself to stare at his ass a little while he started up the microwave.

Halfway through A New Hope, it almost felt like a normal night. They were on opposite ends of the couch, which wasn’t normal, but the bowl of popcorn was in between them. It was a fragile barrier, a reminder of how different things were. Things could have been easy again if Clarke couldn’t feel the underlying tension radiating between them.

Tension may have been the wrong word, but it was the only one Clarke could think of that felt adequate. There was no stiffness in either of their movements and they would occasionally throw popcorn at each other, but Clarke had to force herself not to react if their hands brushed in the popcorn bowl.

About half an hour into Empire Strikes Back, Clarke moved the mostly empty bowl to the coffee table and scooted a little closer to the middle of the couch. The way his face was lit up by the screen… well, it just looked good. And she used to lay in his lap while they watched movies. Being far away felt weird and she didn’t want things to be weird anymore. It was a step in the right direction, she hoped.

A few minutes later, he scooted a little closer to the middle and flung his arm over the back of the couch. His fingers played with a strand of her hair and Clarke leaned back into it. With that small touch, everything felt like _them_ again. She missed the easy touching. It used to be so simple. Or maybe it hadn’t.

Clarke felt like hitting herself, because how could she not have realized years ago that they were more affectionate with each other than with anyone else. It seemed normal to her, because it was how she grew up with Wells and she snuggled with Octavia or Raven sometimes, but that was mostly after they were a little drunk. She wondered if it was why Jasper had insisted on assigned seating at movie nights, because maybe he saw the way she would rest her head against Bellamy’s knee and the way Bellamy would play with her hair. Maybe he had been rooting for them.

A part of her had known when she asked him to stay to watch the movie where things might be heading, but as his fingers danced gently along her scalp, she found that it didn’t really scare her anymore. Not as much as it did before.

They stayed that way until he got up to switch the movies. When he came back, he sat down a little closer than before and Clarke stubbornly closed the distance between them. She pulled his arm around her shoulders and he winced. She immediately felt horrible and tried to pull away.

“I’m so sorry. Are your ribs still—”

He stopped her by grabbing onto her shoulder and pulling her back into his side. “I’m okay. I just can’t move my arm that fast.”

Clarke pulled away again, but not much and turned toward him. She pulled his shirt up and touched his ribs carefully. “You don’t need them to be bandaged anymore?”

“I haven’t for a while. The doctor says I’m good. Unless, of course, you’re just trying to get my shirt off.”

Clarke felt herself start to blush, but she couldn’t hold back her grin. “I think the whole world has seen you without a shirt on plenty of times.” She let his shirt drop and met his eyes.

Bellamy reached over and brushed a strand of hair behind her ear. His fingers sent shockwaves through her system. “I don’t know. You’ve only seen me with my shirt off when you were utilizing your impressive first aid skills.”

“And at the beach. And about half the hikes we’ve ever been on. And basically every time I’ve ever shown up at your place before everyone else.”

“You keeping track, Clarke?”

She rolled her eyes and shook her head. “You wish.”

“Maybe a little.” He licked his lips and Clarke fought back a shiver.

“What if I am?” She licked her own lips and bit her lip when his gaze dropped to follow the motion.

“Clarke….” He frowned a little, as though he just realized what was happening.

She frowned, too, because she didn’t want him to frown. She didn’t want whatever was happening to stop. It was the last thing in the world she wanted so she grabbed the collar of his t-shirt and kissed him.

Their first kiss had been gentle. Their second was anything but. It was full of everything she had been holding back and her teeth dug into the back of her lips. It hurt, but she was kissing Bellamy again. The minor and temporary inconvenience of pain didn’t matter.

It caught him off guard and he didn’t respond at first. She moved her hands up to his cheeks and kissed him again. And again. The shock must have worn off with the third kiss, because his lips finally softened under hers and his hands slid around her waist. His fingers dug into the small of her back when she swung a leg over his lap to straddle him.

The way he sighed when she ran her tongue along his lower lip made her wonder why she waited so long to kiss him again.

The way he slid one hand up her side until his fingers curled into her hair at the same time his other hand gripped her hip made her head spin.

The way he bit her lower lip twisted up everything inside of her.

The way he groaned when her hips swiveled made her wonder why they were still wearing clothes.

Clarke moved away from his mouth to kiss up his neck and take his earlobe between her teeth. He whispered her name when she ran her tongue up his ear. But then his hand wasn’t in her hair anymore. It was on her shoulder as he pushed her back. She pouted when the hand on her hip moved to her other shoulder.

“Clarke,” he said, completely wrecked, “just stop for a second.”

“Bellamy… why?” She ran her fingers along his arms until she could grasp his wrists. She was breathless again. It might have been the fear of why he pulled away or it could have been the kiss. “I want this. I thought you wanted this.”

“I do. I do,” he whispered. He settled on hand against her cheek again and ran his thumb along her cheekbone. “You’re just… you’re confusing the hell out of me right now.”

“How is this confusing?” She gestured at his lap with a smile, but he didn’t take the bait.

“Things used to be like this all the—” He cut himself off when she raised an eyebrow at him and he finally laughed. “Well, not like _this_. But you know, we used to sit around and watch movies and you’d always be touching me. I hoped that we could just be normal today, because I’m tired of not being around you.” He swallowed hard and dropped his hands. “It feels different now. It never felt different until….”

He trailed off and she frowned again. “Until we kissed?”

“It was different before, Clarke. For me, anyway.”

He looked down at his lap and she pulled back. He didn’t stop her as she pushed off of him and settled back into her seat. Clarke folded her hands in her lap and stared down at them, trying to figure out exactly when their touches and jokes had started to mean more.

It made her think about her freshman year when things with Roma had fizzled out and he stopped bringing random hookups around. It made her think about how his relationship with Gina had just _ended_ and he had never told her why. It made her think about what Lexa said when they broke up; how he punched Finn in the nose; how he had waited up after that date Jasper tried to set her up on a couple years back.

Maybe she had misinterpreted the motives behind everything they ever did for each other. Maybe she hadn’t. Even before she knew she had feelings for him, he was the only person she always wanted to be around, whether or not she would have admitted it. Maybe she finally understood why nothing else ever worked out for either of them. But she couldn’t figure out when her feelings had become more. Had they always been more?

Her stomach was tied in knots, because she had no idea if any of it meant what she thought it meant; what she hoped it meant. She looked back over at him and he was _still_ staring at his hands, so she reached over and grabbed one. It was enough to get him to look up.

“When was it different?” Her voice was weak, but she needed to know.

His shoulders dropped as he sighed and turned to face her, pulling one leg up onto the couch. “Clarke, I….” He shook his head. “You don’t want to talk about this.”

“I asked!”

Bellamy studied her for a long time and she made sure she kept eye contact. After a moment, he dropped his gaze again. “You said it isn’t worth the risk. Are you really going to be able to pretend you don’t know how I feel if I say it out loud?”

Clarke closed her eyes and took a deep breath, trying to slow her heart down. The effort was futile, because when she looked back at him, she was immediately lost in his eyes again. “What about what I feel? Can we really pretend that we don’t know—” She cut off when a door slammed outside. “Shit.”

Bellamy let his head fall back against the couch. “Shit. Which one is that?”

Clarke grabbed the remote off of the table and turned the movie down a little bit, trying not to laugh. “You remember that your sister doesn’t own a car?”

Bellamy chuckled and Clarke stifled a giggle into her palm. “I _know_ that. I just thought Linc—”

They both covered their mouths, almost erupting into a new wave of laughter when they heard Raven’s muffled shout outside. “Oh my god, O, are you okay?!” Bellamy and Clarke looked at each other, eyes wide They couldn’t hear Octavia’s response. “They’re going to kill you!”

“They are not going to kill me,” Octavia’s voice was clearer. “They are going to be too busy making out to kill me. You know Clarke gets weird romantic feelings about Han and Leia.”

Bellamy poked Clarke in the shoulder and she smacked his hand away. She _would_ kill O later, even if she was right.

“Can you hear the speeder? That is clearly Return of the Jedi, so unless they took a break from making out to change the movie, you’ve been waiting out here for nothing.” The door unlocked and they jumped apart, but not as far as they would have earlier that night. “Clarke? You in here?”

“We’re in here,” Bellamy called.

Raven poked her head in cautiously. “Star Wars marathon?”

Clarke smiled. “Sorry you missed most of them. You want to finish this one with us?”

“Are you watching the next one tonight or are you going to bed after this one?”

“I’ve got to map out some more practice curriculum in the morning,” Bellamy said quickly. “I might actually head out now. Do I need to go pick up Octavia from the studio?” His question was a little too innocent and Clarke elbowed him. She didn’t even feel bad when he grunted.

“I’m already here,” Octavia yelled sulkily before she stomped up the stairs.

“I’m going to call it a night, then,” Raven said, rolling her eyes. “See you in the morning, Clarke.”

“Night, Raven,” Clarke said.

When they heard both bedroom doors close, Clarke turned back to Bellamy and put a hand on his shoulder. “I know I didn’t want to talk before,” she whispered, “but maybe we can meet for coffee tomorrow?”

He narrowed his eyes at her, but couldn’t hold in a grin. “What time?”

“Ten-thirty?”

Bellamy nodded and stood. Clarke watched him walk toward the door, trying to force down the nerves that threatened to overwhelm all of the good things she was feeling. She knew what she wanted. She still wasn’t quite sure, but she thought she knew what he wanted, too.

He paused at the doorway and turned back. “Clarke?”

“Yeah?”

He smiled. It was a small, sweet smile, and it made her want to kiss him again. “It’s been three years.”

Clarke’s eyes went wide and he left before she could think of a response. Even though she was alone, she could feel her face heating up and she covered it with her hands. It took a long time for her to feel like she could try to go to sleep. She was more distracted by his semi-confession than she was by the lingering memory of their kisses.

But she needed to sleep, because she was going to see Bellamy in the morning. For a moment, she was tempted to wake up Raven and ask her what she should wear. Only for a moment, though, because if things went the way Clarke hoped they would, she wanted to keep it to herself for a while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's not fanfiction until someone sounds wrecked, amirite?


	64. Chapter 64

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, what a delay, right? BUT I'M MARRIED NOW! It is super weird to be married, because my life feels no different than it did before. We already lived together and our finances were merged, so we haven't really had any changes to address yet. So, it's been super weird, but also super awesome.
> 
> ANYWAY, down to what everyone really wants. An update! It's insanely awkward to write people who feel awkward about what they're talking about. I kept feeling like I was stumbling over everything and it took me a while to convince myself that it was how it should feel.
> 
> Also, I'm very sorry for how long it took to get this chapter out, but thank you all so much for your patience. <3

Octavia had settled into the couch with her cup of coffee when Clarke came barreling down the stairs. That wasn’t startling on its own. Ever since they met, Clarke seemed to think she was ten minutes late when she was actually five minutes early, so it was the usual speed she used to descend the stairs when she had somewhere to be. What _was_ startling was that it was _Saturday_ and Clarke was fully dressed and wearing _makeup_. At ten o’clock in the morning. It was enough to make Octavia sit up.

“Clarke?”

Clarke jumped and spun around. “Oh! Hey. I didn’t see you there. What are you doing up so early?”

“It’s ten,” O said, deadpan.

Clarke obviously faked a laugh as she searched through her purse. “Oh, yeah. I know that. But it’s the weekend. I thought you might sleep in.”

“I did. I slept until eight.” Octavia waited a moment, but Clarke had turned slightly to stare at the door. It seemed like she forgot that O was there. “What are you doing?”

Clarke jumped again and yanked her hand out of her purse, clutching her keys. “Um, I didn’t get much sleep last night, so I’m going to grab some coffee.”

“There’s some coffee in the kitchen, if you want.”

“I might take a drive. Clear my head, you know?”

Octavia studied her as she continued to fidget in the hallway. Clarke wasn’t exactly dressed up, but the shirt she was wearing was one of her favorites to wear when they went out. Paired with her leggings and ankle boots… it looked like a first date outfit.

“Aren’t you kind of… dressed up for coffee?”

Clarke froze. “I like this outfit. Is that a crime?”

“No,” Octavia said quickly. “But it’s a little weird that you’re so defensive about it.”

“I don’t…. You’re…” Clarke sputtered for a few more moments before she shook her head and disappeared into her studio.

Octavia sat there for another minute, staring at the door while she tried to decide if she should check on her friend. Something was clearly off. But, as she was about to set her mug down on the end table and investigate further, Clarke emerged carrying something covered with a sheet.

“I’m going to be late. I’ll see you later, O.”

“Late for what?!” Octavia yelled after her, but she was already gone.

* * *

Bellamy hadn’t been to the café when he wasn’t on shift in a long time, but he knew it was Clarke’s favorite, so he couldn’t suggest anywhere else. He needed the caffeine, too. It had been too hard to sleep, because he alternated between floating on air, because kissing Clarke again was the most amazing thing in the world, and convincing himself that she was going to decide the entire thing was a horrible idea and not show up.

He ended up arriving an hour early. He couldn’t concentrate on anything else and if he had stayed at home, he would have changed his clothes for the thousandth time and Miller had been getting too suspicious.

When she finally walked in the door, right on time, it was like the wind was knocked out of him. She always looked beautiful, but she looked… unbelievably incredible. Her hair was loose around her shoulders and she was wearing the long gray tank top that he _loved_ over leggings. There were a few times the group had gone out and she had definitely caught him staring at her ass in that outfit. He wondered if it had anything to do with her choice.

Everything inside of him twisted again when she met his eyes and grinned. He felt his smile mirror hers and knew he probably looked like an idiot, but he didn’t care.

When she reached the table, he stood up, still unable to wipe the smile off of his face. “Hi.”

“Hey,” she said, a little breathless.

“How are you?”

“I’m pretty good, I think. How are you?”

“Good. I’m good.”

They stood there for a moment, staring at each other, and she suddenly dropped her gaze as she tucked her hair behind her ear. “Should we sit?”

“Oh. Yeah.” Bellamy wasn’t sure if he should reach out and grab her hand, so he clasped his hands tightly in his lap. “So,” he said, smiling again.

Clarke blushed and looked down. “So. Right?”

Bellamy felt his own face heating up. “I don’t know why this is so difficult. I tell you everything.”

“Almost everything,” she corrected with a smile.

“Okay, I didn’t tell you this one thing.”

“It’s a pretty big thing.”

“Valid point.” He hesitated, searching for the right words, but he was nervous. “Did you sleep okay?”

Her smile turned into another grin. “No. Did you?”

“Not even a little.”

It went quiet again, but the silence wasn’t suffocating. He had been trying to find the right way to put his feelings into words for… well, possibly for years. Faced with the prospect of actually vocalizing them, none of it felt adequate.

“This is weird, right?” Clarke asked. Bellamy was about to disagree, even though it _was_ weird, but she took a shaky breath and continued. “I thought it might be, so I brought you something.”

“What?” was all he could say.

“There’s, um….” Clarke tried to tuck hair behind her ear again and cleared her throat. “I wanted to show you a painting I did a while ago. It’s the one I was working on when… you remember that paint fight?”

Bellamy nodded. It had been a good night. “You brought it?”

“Yeah, I really want you to see it.”

“Okay. Should we go now?”

“I don’t even get tea?”

“Oh,” Bellamy started. He forgot she hadn’t had a chance to order anything. “I should have ordered you something, but I wasn’t sure—”

Clarke grinned and stood, holding her hand out. “This might surprise you, but I don’t think I actually need any caffeine this morning.”

“You’re telling me that a sleep deprived Clarke Griffin is turning down coffee?”

“Adrenaline is a powerful thing.” She took a step closer and waved her hand at him again.

Bellamy smiled and took it. He let her pull him up with a short tug. Her hand was warm and soft and their fingers slid together easily. As she led him out to her car, he focused on the weight of their joined hands as they walked and the way their arms swung together. It wasn’t like he hadn’t ever held hands with someone. He’d even held Clarke’s hand a few times, but it felt more important than it ever had before.

She dropped his hand to unlock her car and he shuffled his feet behind her while she pulled the painting out of her backseat to lean it against the closed door. The butterflies were starting to become overwhelming. He tried to shove them down, because Clarke had held his hand. It meant that whatever was behind that sheet had to be good. At least, he hoped it did.

When she finally pulled the sheet back, Bellamy forgot how to breathe. It was… it was him. It wasn’t like he spent a lot of time staring at his own face, but his sister was _Octavia_ , so he had been forced to look at plenty of pictures of himself. And Clarke had drawn him before, so he knew how good she was. But this was different, because the reds and oranges with touches of pink and yellow bleeding into grey made it _personal_. It was a memory. One that had confused him for months.

* * *

_“I can’t believe that everyone else fell asleep,” Clarke said, frowning at the horizon._

_“I can’t believe that you’re still awake.” Bellamy laughed when Clarke elbowed him._

_They sat in silence for a few moments as the sky started to lighten at the edge of the ocean. Bellamy reveled in the feeling of her pressed up against his side, no sounds but the water washing up on the shore trying to drown out the few birds waking up behind them._

_“Would you believe that this is the first time I’ve seen a sunrise?”_

_Bellamy snorted and nudged Clarke as best as he could with her head on his shoulder. “Absolutely.”_

_“Wow. No hesitation there. I’m a little offended.”_

_“You’re not exactly a morning person, Princess.”_

_Her fingers jabbed into his ribs. “I can be a morning person. But right now, I’m on a college sleep schedule. Not everyone can function off three hours of sleep.”_

_“I sleep in sometimes.”_

_Clarke snorted that time. “I’ll believe that when I see it.”_

_“And how is that going to work? I’ll text you one morning at ten and say I just woke up and how would you prove otherwise?”_

_“It’ll be different when we live together,” she said, like it was the most obvious thing in the world and wouldn’t have knocked Bellamy on his ass if he weren’t already sitting down. “You don’t have secrets when you live together.”_

_“What?” he finally choked out in what he hoped was a normal voice._

_“You know Octavia’s going to move in with Lincoln sooner or later. Raven wants to live alone again eventually. Miller and Harper aren’t going to live with you forever. Plus, we’re best friends. It’s the obvious next roommate-pairing.”_

_“What about Wells?”_

_“Wells refuses to have a roommate ever again.”_

_“Fine. What if I want to live alone?”_

_“You’re too cheap for that.”_

_Bellamy laughed and threw his arm around her shoulders, pulling her in tighter. They sat that way for a few more minutes before Clarke wriggled out of his grasp and scooted back a little._

_“Smile.”_

_He glanced back in time to wince at the flash. “Oh, come on, Clarke. A little warning.”_

_“I told you to smile!”_

_Bellamy glared at her and then focused on the colors blooming ahead of him, ignoring the fact that her phone was still pointed in his direction and she was standing. “Why are you taking pictures of me? Shouldn’t the view in front of you be more inspiring?”_

_“It’s perfectly inspiring!” She scooted back into his side. “But we’re going to want that picture in our apartment one day.”_

_He almost protested, because the idea of having her as a roommate was a little too much to handle. In the end, he didn’t, because he knew that if she really did want to live with him, he would never be able to turn her down._

_“I’m going to frame it and hang it in the living room. And the frame is going to say,_ ‘Clarke is always right’ _in glitter glue. People will ask why and you’ll have to say that you didn’t believe me and that we’re roommates and I’m always right and have a sparkling personality.”_

_Bellamy rolled his eyes._

_“We’re going to live together one day, Bellamy.”_

_“Whatever you say, Clarke.”_

_“I have a sparkling personality, Bellamy.”_

_He sighed. “Don’t force it, Clarke.”_

_She sighed and he could almost feel her frown._

_He sighed again. “You have a sparkling personality.”_

_“Damn right I do.”_

* * *

Bellamy wasn’t entirely sure what it meant. If anyone had asked him after that conversation, he would have thought it was another nail in the coffin that was his and Clarke’s relationship. It hadn’t exactly been encouraging, except as a reminder that she thought they would be a part of each other’s lives indefinitely. He studied the painting while he thought. Eventually, he could feel her watching him and knew he had to say something. Anything.

“It wasn’t a sunset,” he finally said as he turned back to face her again.

Clarke frowned. “What?”

“I saw you painting this and you told me it was a sunset.”

“I know.” Her cheeks were tinged with pink. “If I corrected you, I was scared you would realize what it was.”

“Oh.” Bellamy turned to stare at the painting again. He leaned forward, studying it, because he was pretty sure he could see her fingerprints in some places. “Why—”

“I guess this might be a weird way to show it, but I thought it might prove that I’m in this.”

“You’re—”

“Like, very seriously in this. If you want.” Her confidence seemed to waver with each word and she started to ramble. “I’ve wanted to be in it for a while and I just…. I knew I wanted to be around you forever, but I tried to convince myself I wasn’t….” She exhaled sharply, frustrated, and Bellamy tried not to smile at the way her brow creased. “I think about you all the time, Bellamy. You’re the only person I always want to be around and I’m tired of pretending it’s not what it is and I want to be with you, okay?”

She may have been frustrated, but he was _relieved_. It was all he needed to hear. He kissed her and she finally closed the gap between them by melting into his chest. As far as their history with kisses went, their third kiss was definitely Bellamy’s favorite. The first two had been good, but it was better when their walls were down and he could feel what she meant. It didn’t have or need the urgency from the first two, because she wanted to be with him and they could finally take their time.

He pulled back a couple inches when he started to feel her smile into their kiss and kissed her nose and her forehead, then grabbed her hands, because he needed to kiss those, too.

“Bellamy,” she said, laughing quietly, “you didn’t—”

“I’m in this, too.” He grinned and set his forehead against hers.

“Are you sure, because—" Bellamy kissed her to interrupt her, but they quickly dissolved into laughter together. Her fingers were twisted up in the collar of his shirt and he had to untangle his hands from her hair.

Her smile was blinding and he knew what he wanted to say, but it could wait. Instead, he smiled back and said, “Yeah, I’m pretty sure.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to make this longer, but it felt natural to cut it where I did. It also feels a little like a half-ambiguous ending, but it's not! There are two more chapters! 
> 
> There was something else I wanted to address above, which I didn't, because I wanted to let you all read first. But seriously, there were so many comments I didn't respond to on the last chapter and I feel so guilty! I was just so busy and the longer it went without responding, the weirder it felt. I just want you all to know how much I appreciate every single thing you've said and every kudos that has come through or follow over on [Tumblr](http://thegriffin-blakefamily.tumblr.com/). You guys make my heart happy.
> 
> Edit 3/12 - I'm actively working on the last two chapters. I want to get them out fairly close to each other so won't be updating until I'm starting to edit the final one.
> 
> Edit 4/22 - Still working on the chapters, but honestly inspiration has been hard to come by. I'm experience a TON of writer's block. But this story isn't forgotten, it's just being a pain.


	65. Chapter 65

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OH MY GOD IT'S AN UPDATE!!! I can't believe some of you have been putting up with my flakiness for so long. Life got crazy and I got a killer case of writer's block... but I wanted this to be perfect! I'm still not 100% happy with the thing and the last 600 words are basically unedited. I wrote them tonight and it's almost 2am so I need to go to bed. But I'll come back and fix them later. I'm pretty worried about my tenses, because I've been playing around with writing in present tense lately and it messed me up coming back to this lol.
> 
> Anyway, I love you guys a lot. Fluff is WAY out of my comfort zone, but I hope this works. And I hope it was worth the really long wait I've put some of you through! :)

Clarke groaned the fifth time she heard her phone vibrate on the nightstand. She kept her eyes shut tight. All she wanted to do was bask in the fact that she was in Bellamy’s bed with his arm around her and she was warm. But then it buzzed again, louder if that was possible. Bellamy tightened his grip on her waist and pressed his lips to the back of her neck.

“What time is it?” His voice was rough with sleep. It made Clarke grin.

“I don’t know.” Her voice was equally heavy. She cleared her throat and it helped a little. “I’m too comfortable. You look.”

“It’s your phone that’s about to shake its way off the table,” Bellamy said, just as his phone buzzed on the other side of the bed.

“And that means it’s probably your sister.” Clarke groaned again as she stretched her arm out. Her phone was just _inches_ away from the tips of her fingers. Placating Octavia was important, but it was so. Far. Away.

“You’re so lazy.”

Before Clarke could protest, she was flattened by Bellamy reaching over her and pulling the phone into the bed. “I would have got it eventually,” she tried to grumble, but it came out as more of a laugh. “Oh my god, I have _fifteen_ missed texts.”    

Bellamy’s phone buzzed again and she frowned as he rolled away from her, because it seemed awful that someone could interrupt her perfect morning. Her phone buzzed, _again_ , and she finally gave in and unlocked it.

 **Octavia**  
9:12am  
_Did you stay out all night?_  
_your car is gone_  
_did someone kidnap you???????_  
9:40am  
_uh, your car is at grounders but you’re not inside?_  
_Where are you?_  
9:50am  
_Claaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarke_

 **Raven**  
9:53am  
_I’m not opposed to you getting some_  
_but you should have told us you were going out_  
_you did go out right?_  
_I hope you’re not as dead as Octavia thinks you are_

 **Octavia**  
10:02am  
_raven thinks you hooked up with someone_  
_if you did and you don’t want to tell me because of bell_  
_i mean_  
_i'd be pissed at you for denying your destiny but we’re friends_  
_you don’t have to hide it from me_  
10:05am  
_Claaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarke_

Clarke sent a quick message to both assuring them that she was fine along with a vague threat about waking her up before her alarm went off. She claimed that she drank too much with her lab partner and had to take a Lyft home. It was a safe lie, because Raven would be at work and Octavia would be on her way to class.

Bellamy choked on laughter behind her and then traded phones with her so they could read each other’s messages.

 **Octavia**  
9:43am  
_hey, have you heard from Clarke today?_  
9:59am  
_Answer me i know you’re awake_

 **Bellamy**  
10:10am  
_I can’t immediately answer all of your texts._  
_And no._  
_Her first class isn’t until 12:30._  
_She’s definitely not awake yet._

 **Octavia**  
10:12am  
_i guess you’re right_  
_her car was gone this morning and it freaked me out_  
_sounds like she had to lyft home last night_  
_sorry if I worried you too_

 **Bellamy**  
10:14am  
_You didn’t._  
_Clarke never wakes up before she has to._

Clarke snorted and gave him his phone back, putting her own back on the side table before promptly turning around to snuggle into his side. He adjusted himself so she could lay her head on his chest and traced circles between her shoulder blades. She made herself comfortable so that she could try to absorb everything that had happened the day before.

After the café had only taken them twenty minutes, they wanted to keep hanging out, but weren’t sure where to go. They went somewhere else for brunch and then ended up at a matinee showing of a movie she didn’t remember. It was really only a place to make out where no one could see them.

By the time he knew that both Miller and Harper would be gone, they couldn’t get back to his apartment fast enough. They couldn’t even get their clothes off fast enough, once they got there. At least, not the first time. And then it was pizza in bed, followed by more sex, followed by Bellamy having to scout out the hallway so Clarke could actually pee. But it had been a good fucking night. And waking up with Bellamy next to her was even better, because it meant everything had been real.

“We didn’t talk much last night,” Bellamy said, breaking her out of her thoughts.

One glance up at him and his smirk said that he knew exactly what she had been thinking about. She hooked her leg over his and tried to scoot closer. “I guess we said most of the important things in the morning.”

“Not all of them,” he mumbled into her hair. “But most of them anyway.”

Clarke grinned up at him then. “Well, what did we miss? I’m in this. You’re in this. I think that those are the two of the most important bases.”

His left hand dug into her spine a bit while he used the other to pull her face to his so he could kiss her. It was sweet and soft and short. She could see the thoughts he was working through. It was obvious to her that he was trying to figure out how much was too much too soon. It was a question that bothered her a little, because what they had mattered. There was no way she was going to let it disappear.

So, she kissed him again and then smiled. “You’re my boyfriend now, right?”

His eyebrows shot up and he laughed. It was a good sound and Clarke wanted to soak it in forever.

“Right?” She wiggled in even closer. His grin was blinding. “Say it, Bellamy. Say you’re my boyfriend.”

Instead, he kissed her and she let him roll her onto her back. But he pulled back and hovered over her on his elbows, studying her face, occasionally twirling a piece of her hair through his fingers.

“Everyone’s going to freak out,” he said finally, a little resigned. Then, hurriedly, he added, “In a good way.”

“Kind of like you are?” She wasn’t sure what he was searching her face for, but she wanted to make him feel better.

“Yeah, I guess,” he laughed quietly. “I’m not freaking out though. I just can’t believe this is happening.”

“In a good way, right?”

“Yes, in a good way.” He hesitated for a moment. “I’m just really into you, Clarke.”

“It’s a good thing I’m really into you, too, then. Isn’t it?”

He let himself fall back onto his side of the bed and she frowned, but instead of following him, Clarke rolled onto her side and watched him continue to work through it all.

“You’re really cute when you think and everything, but you need to tell me what’s going on. No more secrets, remember? They cause us years of misery.”

Bellamy scoffed, but rolled over to face her all the same. “I just don’t think we should tell those assholes right away.”

Clarke could feel her own eyebrows shoot up and Bellamy frowned like he thought he said the wrong thing. “No,” she said quickly. “I think that’s a good idea.”

“You don’t have to—”

“I’m serious, Bellamy,” she said as she pushed herself closer to him. She trailed her hand along his arm. “We could enjoy this, enjoy each other, without everyone butting in and giving their opinions.”

He finally let out a relieved sigh. “That’s exactly what I was thinking.”

Then, without warning, he pinned her down and kissed her quite thoroughly. Clarke giggled and turned her head to the side, but he just moved his attention to her neck.

“I swear, one minute you’re so serious and now—” He bit her earlobe, cutting her off with a shiver. “Bellamy, you know I need to go soon.”

“I don’t know if that’s true,” he mumbled into her collarbone before trailing kisses down her sternum. “I think you need to stay here.”

“Yeah, but—” She inhaled sharply as he suddenly ran his tongue along her hip bone.

“I really need some time to appreciate my new girlfriend,” he said between sloppy kisses down her thigh.

How was she supposed to argue with that?

* * *

Another hour later, Clarke had finally convinced Bellamy that she needed to put pants on, but she couldn’t find her bra. Writing it off as a temporarily lost cause, she pulled her shirt on and sighed. “Do you have a sweatshirt I can borrow or something?”

“I mean, I like the braless look, but if you _have_ to cover up….” Bellamy trailed off as he buttoned his own jeans.

Clarke rolled her eyes and grabbed a hoodie out of his closet. She pulled her hair into a ponytail next, hoping it wasn’t sticking out everywhere. Unfortunately, Bellamy didn’t have a mirror in his room. That would have to change if they were going to be able to pull off any semblance of secrecy.

When she turned around, a fully clothed Bellamy was there, pulling her into a hug. “I like you in my clothes.”

“I like me in your clothes, too.” Clarke grinned into his chest for a moment, savoring every inch of contact. But she had to push away, because they were running out of time. “I’m glad Octavia won’t be there to witness me walking in wearing the same clothes I left in yesterday.”

“And what would you do if she _were_ there to witness your ‘walk of shame’?” Bellamy asked, grinning.

“I’d climb in through my window.”

His grin dropped. “Your room is on the second floor.”

Clarke smiled sweetly. “It’s not that hard. And you should probably get used to it if we’re actually not going to tell anyone about this for a while.”

“You’re sure you’re on board with that?”

“Our friends are assholes and will never leave it alone. It’s a good idea.”

“I don’t want you to feel like a dirty, little secret.”

“But aren’t I?” Clarke bit her lip and batted her eyes at him.

Bellamy rolled his eyes, but only lasted about ten seconds before he pulled her in for a kiss. One of his hands dug into her hair and the other started making its way up the back of her shirt.

“I’m already almost too sore to walk,” Clarke muttered against his lips. “You need to stop this or I’m never going to be able to leave.”

He pouted. “I’m just trying to enjoy kissing you whenever I want.”

“And I’m enjoying it, too, but I need a shower.”

“Fine.” He ran a thumb along her cheek. “I think we’re making the right decision.”

Clarke leaned into his hand. “Hmm? You mean the being with each other thing or the not telling our friends yet?”

“Both.” He kissed her nose and Clarke wanted to melt into a puddle. “We don’t have to deal with our feelings being a spectacle.”

“Yet. Plus, sneaking around will be fun.” Clarke grinned. “Can I see you tonight?”

“You can even teach me how to climb up to your window.” He kissed her and then pushed her back before she could deepen it at all. “Get away from me so I can check the living room for you, because if you stay here any longer, I’m not going to be able to let you leave.”

When he closed the door behind him, Clarke leaned against his desk. She wondered if she would ever stop smiling.

* * *

Not telling their friends had been easier than Clarke expected. They were surprisingly dense about something they were supposedly so invested in. If anything, Octavia and Raven seemed to be almost mad at her, because they attributed the improvement in her mood to sex. It blew Clarke’s mind that neither of them realized that Bellamy was just as giddy and instead assumed that she was sleeping with her very fictional lab partner.

It had also been easier to find time alone than Clarke expected. No one thought it was weird that Bellamy and Clarke spent all their time together. And through Lyft and Bellamy’s increasing ability to scale the side of her house, they were able to spend most nights together.

If they couldn’t spend the night, they were almost always able to find ten minutes to meet. Even if it was just ten minutes of making out in one of their cars, it counted. And they talked on the phone any night they couldn’t get to each other. Really, it didn’t feel much different than their relationship before, except that they got to make out and give each other orgasms. It was pretty ideal in Clarke’s book.

Clarke knew that movie night was going to be a challenge, though. It was becoming gradually more difficult to keep her hands off of him in front of people. Even though no one had showed up at his place yet, she tried to practice keeping her distance. She sat on the kitchen counter and watched him put groceries away. Her eyes lingered on the way his shirt stretched across his shoulders; the way it lifted up to expose the smallest amount of skin when he had to put something on the top shelf. It seemed like such a shame not to take advantage of it before people started to show up.

Bellamy glanced over then, almost as if he could read her mind. He crossed the small spaced between them and hooked his hands under her knees, pulling her close and kissing her hard. His hand was up her shirt, her hands were in his hair, and it wasn’t until his other hand reached for the button of her jeans that she realized they were getting carried away.

She managed to stop him from unzipping her pants. “I’m supposed to be helping you get ready for movie night. We’re not supposed to be making out in your kitchen.”

“I know, but that’s stupid,” he said, laughing, before he kissed her again.

She pushed on his shoulder. “You’re saying we have enough time before everyone gets here?”

Bellamy glanced over at the microwave and frowned. “I can just lock the door. It would give us a warning.”

“And immediately make all of them suspicious.” Clarke laughed, thinking of the varied reactions their friends would have to his door being locked. “We’re being reckless. How have we not been caught yet?”

“I don’t know.” Bellamy sighed and buttoned her jeans for her, patting her hip before returning to his task of pulling snacks out of the grocery bags. “Harper and Miller actually keep asking me who I’m fucking.”

“Raven and O just think I’m fucking ‘Janine’.”

“They haven’t realized that you don’t actually have a lab partner?”

“No.” Clarke scoffed and readjusted her shirt. “Do our friends never talk to each other?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, this is something I’d come to you about. ‘Hey, Bellamy, Raven’s gone all the time.’ And you’d respond with, ‘Weird. Wells is always busy lately.’ And then we’d realize that Raven and Wells were fucking.”

Bellamy snorted. “Do you think they’re actually fucking?”

Clarke shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe once we admit we’re in a relationship, she’ll ask him out. I swear he’s the reason things fizzled out so quickly with Roan.”

“Our relationship could be the domino that starts knocking everything over. Raven might realize it’s not the end of the world to make out with your friends. Miller might finally ask Monty out. We’ll turn into this group full of couples.”

Clarke rolled her eyes. “Octavia would be ecstatic.”

“Speaking of Miller, he might be getting suspicious.”

Clarke winced. “Did he see my car here the other day?”

“I blame you and your last-minute need for a booty call.” Bellamy grinned and tucked the empty grocery bags into a drawer. “You need to get a better check on your hormones, Princess.”

“Yeah, I’m sure you want that.”

“I definitely don’t want that.” He sauntered back over to her and kissed her again. “Are you sure I can’t lock the door?”

Clarke was about to consider it in a moment of weakness, but then the door slammed open and Bellamy jumped back. Her heart pounded in her chest and she hoped she looked less shocked than he did as Octavia, Miller, and Wells led the way into the apartment.

Octavia did a double take when she saw them both in the kitchen and stopped midsentence. “I didn’t know you were already here, Clarke.”

“Yeah, I ran into Bellamy at the store, so I offered to help him out.”

“I think she’s stalking me, O. Control your roommate.”

Clarke rolled her eyes. “You wish. It’s not my fault you put off shopping to the last possible minute.”

“Don’t fuck up my popcorn.” Octavia narrowed her eyes at them before she went back into the living room to continue arguing with Miller over which movie to watch first.

Bellamy exhaled an exaggerated sigh of relief and Clarke hopped off the counter to smack his arm. They worked together to get the pizza started and set up the snacks and it suddenly seemed so _silly_ that they had waited so long to go out. Their teamwork was probably even improved by the kisses he kept sneaking every time they were alone for ten seconds. Clarke was sure they would get caught. A part of her even wanted them to, but their friends have shitty timing. Or great timing.

When they sat in their regular spots and she leaned up against his leg, she was worried that anyone else would notice how content she looked. But Octavia shot her dirty looks from across the living room and it seemed like she still assumed that Clarke shouldn’t be acting that way when she was sleeping with someone else. She hoped she looked appropriately abashed, even though she refused to move.

And when it was time to go home, she hugged him. She listened to him say his goodbyes to everyone else, but she could feel his eyes on her. When she looked back, he grinned and she was sure she immediately started to blush. It was nearly impossible not to break down and run back to kiss him. To yell to everyone that she was so in love with him that she could hardly think straight. Still, she kept her composure and went home. But when she pulled into her driveway, her phone started buzzing in her purse.

 **Bellamy**  
10:34pm  
_I miss you already._  
_Harper’s out with Maya._  
_Miller’s working until 3  
Please come back._

Fuck being careful anyway. She missed him, too. 

* * *

An incredibly full bladder woke Clarke a little after two in the morning. She rolled over to look at Bellamy. He was so cute in his sleep that she couldn’t bear to wake him up to check if the coast was clear. She rolled onto her back and stared up at the ceiling. Harper would be home and her bedroom had an attached bathroom, so there wasn’t a risk running into her in the hall. And Miller worked late. She was probably safe.

Clarke pulled on one of Bellamy’s shirt and tiptoed to the bathroom.

It wasn’t until she finished washing her hands that she heard shuffling in the hall and froze. At first, she thought it might be Bellamy checking on her, but then she heard the keys.

The final nail in the coffin was a sharp knock on the door. “Come on, dude, I’ve been holding it for my entire shift.”

_Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck._

Clarke hesitated with her hand over the doorknob, but then he knocked again. She was terrified that if he kept knocking, it would wake up Harper, so she held the shirt down with one hand and yanked the door open with the other.

Miller blinked and Clarke waited, but he didn’t speak.

“Hey.” She broke first.

“Uh, he—hi Clarke?” He scratched the back of his head. “What’s up?”

“Not much.”

“I didn’t realize you were here, Clarke.” He glanced down, noticed her lack of pants, and wide eyes shot back up to meet hers.

“Yeah, I know.” Her voice was higher than she was used to, so she cleared her throat before sidling past him. “I’m going… back… to bed.”

She refused to look back.

When she climbed back into bed, Bellamy mumbled something and pulled her into his chest. Well… fuck being careful, right?

* * *

Bellamy watched Clarke as she picked up her clothes off the floor and got dressed. He tried to hold in his laughter while she recounted her run-in with Miller in the hall for the second time.

“It was horrifying, Bellamy! I was basically in my underwear.”

He coughed on a laugh. “I’m sure it wasn’t that bad.”

“Underwear, Bellamy.” Her voice was muffled by her shirt as she pulled it over her head.

“It could have been worse.”

She glared at him and fell back onto his bed, covering her eyes with her forearm. “The only way it could have been worse if it had been Jasper.”

Bellamy did laugh, then, and she just grunted. It was a cute noise that made his heart swell. Before he could stop himself, he crawled down the bed so his face was near hers and kissed her on the nose. “You’re cute when you’re flustered.”

“Eh, you always think I’m cute.”

“That’s because you are _always_ cute.” He kissed her chin. “Whatever happens, it’ll be okay.”

“I know.” Clarke pulled her arm away from her face and pouted at him. “Things are just going to be… different, now. Everyone’s going to have opinions, an—”

“Hey.” Bellamy sat up and grabbed her hand. “I love what we have, but we have been pretty reckless lately.” Clarke rolled her eyes and he laughed again. “Really, we have. It’s almost like we don’t care if we get caught.”

“Well, I’m sure it will be _fine_ , but I’m just….” She trailed off and Bellamy waited her out while she sat up on her knees and grabbed his hand. “Everyone’s going to have opinions on this. What if… I don’t know what I’m worried about, really.”

Bellamy squeezed her hand. “No one’s opinion is going to matter. What matters is that I love you and we’re in this together.”

Clarke’s eyes went wide and Bellamy swallowed hard. He’d imagined telling her he loved her a thousand times over the last few years and was a little ashamed that it fell out with zero plan. He wasn’t even sure if they were _there_ in their relationship. It wouldn’t bother him if she didn’t say if back, but he wanted to—

Bellamy’s thoughts were interrupted by her fingers in his hair as she pulled him into a frantic set of kisses. His hands immediately went to her waist and he tugged her onto his lap. He barely registered a knock on the door and yelled, “Go away!” The knock came again and they both groaned. Clarke set her forehead on his shoulder. “Who is it?”

The door opened a crack and Miller poked his head in. His eyes went wide at the sight of fully-dressed Clarke sitting in shirtless-Bellamy’s blanket-covered lap. He squeezed through a crack in the door and leaned against it as it shut. Clarke buried her face into Bellamy’s shoulder.

“Please tell me you have pants on,” Miller said after an extended period of awkward eye contact.

“Bellamy sleeps naked,” Clarke mumbled into his shoulder and Miller shuddered.

Bellamy snorted. “We’ve lived together for four years. I thought you knew that.”

“I don’t need to know all this. I just wanted to….” Miller rubbed his hair and gestured at Clarke. “I don’t know if I should say congratulations or about damn time. When it’s clearly been going on for… a while.”

“A month.” Clarke finally looked at Miller. Her cheeks were rosy in the cutest way and Bellamy wanted to kiss her again. “Tomorrow it’ll be a month.”

Miller kicked his feet and looked at the floor.

“Sorry I didn’t tell you, man,” Bellamy said. “We just wanted to—”

“No, I get it. We’re all pretty much the worst.” Miller looked at Clarke again. “Sorry if I scared you last night.”

“It’s okay,” she said.

The silence started to stretch uncomfortably. Bellamy wondered if Clarke knew that she was digging her fingers into his shoulder.

“I can go check if the living room is clear,” Miller offered. “If you’re getting ready to head out.”

Clarke broke into a grin. “That would be great. I have a class in half an hour.”

Miller snuck out the same way he snuck in and Clarke turned to Bellamy, half-hopeful, half-terrified. Bellamy tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear and kissed her on the cheek.

“That wasn’t so bad.”

“Miller hasn’t been that weird around me in at least two years.”

“I’m sure this comes as a little bit of a surprise. I mean, he’s always known I sleep naked, but it’s another thing to be confronted with the proof.”

Clarke giggled and set both hands on his face. He leaned into one as her thumbs caressed his cheeks. First, she kissed his nose and then his forehead before she set her forehead against his.

“I love you, too, you know.”

The words were soft and honestly the best thing that Bellamy had ever heard anyone say to him. Ever. In the history of his life. Tears stung the corner of his eyes and he brought one of his hands up to her face before he kissed her gently. Lazily. He didn’t deepen it, not sure when Miller would be back.

“Fuck, Clarke, I’ve loved you for the longest time.” He used his free arm to pull her in as close as possible.

She wrapped her arms around his shoulders and burrowed back into his shoulder. “Me too, Bellamy. I don’t even know when it started.”

They sat in silence and he soaked it in. Clarke was his. She loved him. He loved her. Overall, his life was pretty fucking perfect.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick note on the relationships I mentioned in here: I always intended to have some background Minty and Wellven going on, and then I kind of messed it up. I'm not great at writing background relationships. But they are the other endgame couples I have in mind (aside from Linctavia, obviously, but that background relationship was established forever ago, so I'm not super worried). 
> 
> But yeah, come yell at me on [Tumblr](http://thegriffin-blakefamily.tumblr.com/) all you want! I love it!


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